Full advantage

One week later, and I cannot believe how I could have doubts.

Steve is… I don’t even know how to explain. How different things are, and how unchanged at the same time.

The this is, Steve knows me well. He may seem to act like he doesn’t care certain things, but now I know he notices. He messages me through the day to make sure I’m doing okay (to let me know he’s thinking of me, basically. Which is exactly what I need). He helps me if I have difficulties at work. When we’re together (and not at work) he hugs me all the time, he never lets me go. And, while I’ve never been much of a PDA person, with him, I really feel like I belong into his arms.

I’m not doing great: I’m experiencing one of the worst phases of insomnia ever. Last Saturday I went sailing with Bro and others, and the wind was just too much and some of the ropes broke and we had some problems with the boat, so I hit my chest badly and it still hurts, so of course that doesn’t help sleeping.

Steve wakes up in the morning by my side and he’ll just know if I’ve slept at all. I was awfully tired last night, we got back to his place around 11 and went straight to bed. Two hours later he woke up and noticed I wasn’t sleeping, and started caressing/lightly massaging my back until I fell asleep, and I slept for 6 SOLID HOURS!!

Of course, between the insomnia, all the going out every night and the pain, I haven’t been really able to restrict and go the gym, so I’m still stuck at 119.7lbs. I’ll fast next week though, with Marcus, also because I’m back on the pill and this tends to make me gain weight (ouch).

I want this season to last forever. Work’s slow, and I’m kind of going out every night, taking full advantage of the amazing night life this city offers. I want to wear sundresses forever, I want to sail, drink, party… I wanna lay naked in Steve’s arms at night… (and no, we did not really have sex yet… but I promise you we will before we leave for vacation LOL).

Also, Steve’s almost 85lbs heavier than I am. He’s also something like 6 feet 5 inches tall (195cm), which means in my eyes he’s huge (I mean, considering we live in Italy, that’s really tall). I love it, also because… It kind of makes me feel tiny…

But I shall not forget my goals. I promise I will be 115 lbs by the end of August, and I really hope to do even better (110 would be just perfect!)

I love you a lot, I swear, I live for your comments!!

All I needed to hear

Last week I started realizing a couple of things. In first place, when (ex) Boyfriend would call, I was mostly annoyed. I didn’t miss him. I started talking to Bro about my issues, and suddenly it all came out: I wasn’t in love anymore; I didn’t want to share my life with him anymore. I felt awful, but I knew I had to do something.

So I talked to Bro, and I decided to be honest, because how could I rely on his advice if I kept hiding things?

What he said in first place touched my heart. “Well, I guess I haven’t been there for you as I should have, since you never realized anything was going on with this Steve. I’m sorry Sis, I’ll make it up to you”

“Don’t worry Bro. You are listening to me now, and that’s all I could ask for”

Bro opened up my mind, mostly by telling me that, if after a 4 years relationship, I still had all those doubts, it probably meant the ex and I weren’t meant to be together. He also said I needed to talk to Steve to get things clear in my mind. I tend to follow Bro’s advice. Mainly because Bro, well, he’s different. He may not have the greatest social skills ever, but he’s way above normal people as far as the brain department is concerned. His IQ was roughly estimated when he was a teenager around 150. He’s the most intelligent person I ever met, and has unique analysis skills.

So on Wednesday night I was at Steve’s place, but we weren’t alone. His roommate walked out for a second and I stared at Steve “We need to talk”

“We do indeed, but not tonight”

“We are talking tonight Steve, and that’s it”

It wasn’t going well. His roommate spent half of the evening bragging about the impossibility of dating co-workers, we drank too much and then Steve said he wanted to get some sleep. I got up to leave and he walked me out, but I had had too many beers and no food.

“Will you be all right?”

“Honestly I don’t think I can handle getting home on my bike or walking on these heels”

“Wanna sleep here? Up to you”

I took a deep breath

“Steve, what if I did it? What if I dump him?”

“I dunno”

“I dunno is not enough of an answer. I need to make decisions, and I need to make them now”

“Let’s get away together for a weekend”

I was LIVID. “No way! For fuck’s sake Steve! It’s not like you’re going to test me like that! We spent enough time together and you know me enough to be able to decide!”

He hugged me and said “Don’t be angry, I can’t make promises” I felt like crying.

“I don’t want promises, I’m not asking you any engagement of any kind. But I need to know if you’re into this or not”

“Of course I am, it’s just so sudden. But I do want to give us a try”

I kissed him “That’s all I needed to hear”

Some random facts

I'm down to 119.7lbs. Lowest weight over the last 4 years. Now I need to avoid weekend binging, and start heading towards 110.

I dumped Boyfriend. He didn't take it well.

Steve and I are giving it a try.

Forgive me for not developing any further. I need to work fast today, and then I shall go home for my nephew's birthday. I'll explain better on Monday, I promise.

What the hell am I going to do?

I went out last night for a good, Milan style aperitivo, and had a blast. The kind of aperitivo where you meet CEOs working in the fashion industry, and they are quite relieved to meet girls that are not just bodies (no offence to models)

Then, since I was downtown, I pinged Steve on his blackberry asking if he wanted to get the underground together to go home. He said sure, so we met downtown and headed to the bar outside the office for a beer. He was grumpy at first, and then he cheered up and we had a good time. At a certain point, he told me he is not so sure anymore he’ll move abroad. People, that made my day! After two beers, we decided to call it a night and went to the office parking to get my bike, and I hugged him

“You smell good” I said, my nose buried between his collar bone and his neck, even though with the heels I was wearing I was probably close to 5ft11 (around 180cm).

“Yeah sure. It’s been warmer than the Sahara all day long”

“You still smell good”

I got my bike and walked him home (he lives on my way home), and outside his place we hugged and kissed a little bit.

“Don’t make it more difficult than it already is” he moaned

I just hugged him tighter.

Later, at home, I really wished I could drift into sleep next to him.

This morning, I woke up at 120.2lbs. Could have been worse! Now, I’ve got to head towards 115.

Boyfriend is leaving for NYC tonight, and he’ll be away for a week. Then, he should move in. I am trying to make up my mind, and I have yet to decide if I’m going to go on with this thing, or if I’m going to dump him. I know, I’m an awful bitch. Forgive me.

(Amongst other thoughts, from a discussion with Bro, I said I’m happy living on my own. I said how great my life is. I said “Hell, I’m way closer to being skinny than I’ve ever been since I met Boyfriend”)

La Dolce Vita

I spent the weekend at the parents’ place, by the lake, as usual.

I wish I could say I stayed away from the boys, but of course it’s not true: I exchanged phone calls and emails with Boyfriend, Steve and Alejandro. UGH.

I didn’t do much on Saturday, because the weather wasn’t great. I just cooked lunch for Bro’s family, over ate, hung out with my mother, and then cooked dinner for mom, granny and her sister, over-ate.

Right after cleaning up the kitchen, Bro called me saying he was going to run a match race (like a regatta but with two boats only) at night, and offering me to join. Of course I said yes! The night was warm but very windy, so I grabbed my wetsuit and threw it in my bag with all my staff and ran out.

Bro was waiting for me with the tender and before he started rowing he cracked a bottle of beer open and gave it to me.

“A storm is coming, sis. Do you have the guts for this?” he teased me

“Man up Bro, because if you’re in, I’m in!”

Needless to say, while I was climbing into the boat, Bro’s buddies grab my bag and threw me into the water, so I was totally soaked before even starting!! Oh, and I managed to dive without losing my bottle, so Bro was all “look at my Sis, she’s the best, you throw her into the water but no matter what she won’t lose her booze!”.

I quickly changed into my wetsuit, and off we went. We sailed through the night, and the storm kept getting closer only to get away for a while and then come back. It was AMAZING; the lighting would crack allowing us to see the whole lake and the other boat, we would laugh, sail and drink…. It felt like silver screen.

I got home at 4, completely soaked (it poured rain around 2.15 and 2.30 in the morning), Bro’s kids were asleep as well as the Parents, so I didn’t even take a shower and went straight to bed, thinking “I want to live like this forever, I want this summer to last forever.”

Of course Mom woke me up at 6AM to go hiking.. UGH. Whatever. We did go hiking, and that’s good since I had eaten so much! We were back by 11.30, and I thought I would nap through three solid hours and then ride my Vespa to my grandfather. Instead, I had to babysit Bro’s kids until 7PM and then cook dinner for mom and dad. Needless to say, I binged, also because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Well, at least I spent the whole afternoon swimming, rawing on my kayak, and diving, all for the kids, so I did exercise.

So today I had a 400kcals lunch at the canteen, all while watching the ana girl from work who only had three spoonful of zucchini, all the while staring at my lunch with disgust. UGH.

As for the boys department… I’m not doing good. I can’t help having feelings for Steve. Let’s be honest: I don’t want to cut him off and I will not do it. I only have a few weeks left with him, and I’d rather live for the moment right now.

I’ll go to see Eclipse tonight, and then I’ll weight myself tomorrow morning. I hope I didn’t do too much damage!!

Your heart can't tell me no

"Why are you pouting?"
"I’m not. Okay, maybe I am, just a little bit"
"Oh, you totally are. You barely talk to me. So, you can develop or I’ll just go home Steve, because I’m tired"
"What did you do last night?"
"I told you, I was hanging out with a friend"
"Did you go to bed with him?"

I looked at him in the eyes. “No, I didn’t. Is this why you are pouting? This is getting ridiculous”
“I guess I’m just jealous”
“But I said I didn’t” – “That’s not all I’m talking about” he cut me off.
I stared at him, and he avoided my gaze.
“What is it that you want, Steve?”
“Rationally or irrationally?”
“Irrationally. What is it that you really want?”
“I would want you to dump your man”

Wow. I never thought he would get that straight to the point.

“And then?”
“I don’t know. But I understand your position, I do”
“So where does this lead us? Do you want me to leave you alone?”
In my mind, I silently screamed for him to hug me and not let me go.
He put an arm on my shoulders “No, I’m old enough to accept the way between the extremes. I guess we’ll just go on the same way”

Half an hour later, he walked me home, hugged me and started kissing me.

“Don’t leave me, Steve. Please, don’t walk away on me because I can’t take it”
He hugged me tighter “Okay. But I’m going home now”
Instead, he started kissing me with more urgency.
“Do you want to sleep here?” He knew I was not offering sex, but just some tenderness and cuddling.
“No, I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself” his hands gripped my ass “I’d better go now”
“Okay. Good night, and be safe. For what it’s worth, you know how much I care about you”

I woke up this morning at 120.15lbs.
Over stressed for this whole situation. I feel so bad for putting Steve through this, but I can't let him go. It's bad enough he'll move abroad in November.
Of course I had to binge like crazy at noon. Fuck my stupidity.

Action

Alejandro came over last night, and from the moment he stared at my body, I knew I was lost.

“Lucy. You are so beautiful. Your face, your hair... your body. I could stare at your body for hours, it’s just… flawless”

Alejandro, who could totally belong to a male thinspo, was just as usual: perfect tan, perfect waxed legs, his three tattoos in their places, his abs discreetly peeking, his pecs showing just as I like, not too much, not too little. His soft skin, his hands on my face.

“I missed you so much Alejandro”

“Me too Lucy. You have no clue”

Fast forward – two hours later

“I want you so bad. It’s been years, Lucy. You know that with no one else it is like with you”

“What about tomorrow? What if next week I want you again?”

“I’ll be there each time you’ll want me, you know that. I made a promise to you, years ago, and I’ll keep it forever”

“I know you will. But it wouldn’t be fair”

“I’d never cheat. But you… You came first. You came before my girlfriend. Mostly, the alchemy we share… I will never give you up. I tried, and I have never managed to. I’m going to kiss you now, and I’m going to do all I want to do. Just tell me to stop if that’s what you want, and I’ll let go”

...

We both cried out, loud. We both cried for more, until there was no more. It was as good as in my souvenirs, maybe even better.

(I was extremely thankful both my neighbors are on vacation)

When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer,

I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there

In the midnight hour I can feel your power

Just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing,

I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Feels like flying

I close my eyes, Oh God: I think I’m falling!

Last, but not least, stats:

120.8lbs

BMI: 19.19

Apparently, it shows

“You look great honey! You lost weight are look so fit!” Dad said on Friday, when we met at the station.

“Do I?” I knew he was right. I was 120.8lbs on Friday morning, add some high heels I had worn that gave me 4 supplementary inches, and the equation worked in my favor.

Later on the same day, Mother said “You look so thin!! Well done!”

I guess it’s true. I know the weight is not as low as I may wish, but I realized I am better fit than I thought. Over the weekend, dad and I hiked a 4500mt peak (the one in the pic below), and I really did well, never felt too tired or anything. It felt like my legs could go on forever and ever.

It felt like getting closer to the sky.

Most important, dad was so happy we went for this hike, I was glad I had accepted, although I wasn’t very motivated in the beginning. We did have a great time. And, the whole thing totally boosted my metabolism!

I’m hitting the gym again tomorrow morning, then I have a meeting with clients, and a pretty charged week.

Also, I’m working with a junior who’s thinner than I am, so it’s gonna be my motivation for the next two weeks.

Last week was kind of emotionally charged. I even cried on the phone with Alejandro… I’ll do better this week.

I’m not fasting, because from now until my August vacation I need to train harder, but I’ll still be restricting. I hope I didn’t gain too much over the weekend (although I burnt a lot, I had family lunch on Saturday and family dinner last night…). We’ll see tomorrow morning.

Love you skinnies!

Breathe

I did not manage to fast on Monday (friend came over for dinner… ugh), but I did fast yesterday and I’m going on today. 122lbs this morning, before hitting the gym for a long overdue 500kcals burning session. Man it felt good.

Also, I have very long, slightly curly hair that lately I always blow dry straight (until 2 months ago or so, I never used to blow dry it). Now that I finally fully manage the technique (17 minutes from stepping out of the shower to having dry, straightish waist-long blond hair), I’m considering slightly scaling it. A bit like Niki from Heroes, do you remember her looks in Season 1?

Something like this (although my hair is a bit darker).

Anyway, I know you have opinions about the Boyfriend / Steve debacle.

In first place, consider this: when Boyfriend moves here, his friends will stay in France. I mean his “lady-friends” from work. And we lived together for two years and things were good. So I’m hoping that things will be good again. IF things don’t work out (with all the living together again), we’ll split. But right now, I’d be an awful bitch. After all, he’s going to leave his life, work and friends behind and he’s moving to a new country just for me.

I saw Steve last night… I think we’re good. I mean, Steve’s not in love with me. Sure, he has feelings for me, but let’s consider these point: (i) he only tries to kiss me when drunk, (ii) he hooked up with a girl from Brazil while in Greece and (iii) Steve’s probably leaving the country for two years or so starting next November.

Yet, he remains my rock. Work would be (will be?) totally unbearable without him. Outside work, I would feel way more lonely if we didn’t spend half of our evenings hanging out together.

Last night we had a beer at the corner, then he walked me home. I hugged him and asked if he wanted to come upstairs, although he totally understood it was a friendly (and not sexy) offer. So he hugged me back and said he wanted to go home because he was tired. I checked a little later that he was home and safe (Steve’s known for getting lost at ten meters from his place, at least here in the city), said goodnight and went to sleep. That’s what a best friend does. That’s what I want.

Last but not least: what happened to Bella from Return of the Wolves? Her blog is missing and I’m kinda worried.

I love you all, skinnies

Show me love (+ t.A.T.u. thinspo)

This was an accident, not the kind where sirens sound

Never even noticed we’re suddenly crumbling

Tell me how you’ve never felt delicate or innocent,

Do you still have doubts that us having faith makes any sense?

Steve was testing me and even if I realized it, I was too bitter and just told him the truth. He asked me about the weekend and insisted, until I unveiled how “Boyfriend and I” was more like “Boyfriend, his two lady-friends from work, and I” and how I felt I was the one intruding. How they treat him like he’s THEIR boyfriend, chaperoning them here and there, how when I was soo tired at 6AM in the morning and felt like fainting we had to stay at the party (which was over) because one of them was hanging out with a boy and we couldn’t just leave her like that. (Hello? The girl is aged 34 and was driving her own car, and was not drunk. Couldn’t she deal with her own shit, huh?). I’m not even jealous, I know it’s like that when I’m not there, it’s fine, I don’t care, but when I’m in the scene, well, I AM THE GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Steve said I’m crazy if I’m accepting this situation, and I said I don’t know what to do. I said I cannot possibly dump him now: he quit his job and is moving to Italy for me, and I know what it’s like, so I just can’t dump him.

Steve said I should know all issues will eventually emerge. Which deep in my heart I know is likely. He didn't take the news very well though. I hurt him and I didn't want to. He just didn't let go and kept asking until I spilled everything.

I play games you play tricks,

Girls and girls but I’m the one

Like a game of pick up sticks,

Played by fucking lunatics!

So now let’s summarize what’s on my mind:

No 1: I’m fucking scared about BF moving, and I can’t avoid it. I know that if he wasn’t moving, I’d consider breaking up. In the end, I know all I can do is wait for him to settle here and see how things will go.

No 2: Steve may or may not be sentimentally involved with me. He may or may not have been hoping that I’d break up with Boyfriend. I’m fucking scared I’m going to lose him. Two hours ago he had to leave for a new project and will be working out of the office until September (although in the city): I’m already a bit at loss.

No 3: 124.1lbs. Again. I hate myself, I wanna cry and cry and cry. Instead, I have to work. Well, with Steve out of the office, no one will notice I’m fasting.

As for the new girl, here is my decision. Today I’m working in a part of the office where I won’t see her, but when I go back to the open space, I’ll just hide my red bracelet. I’ll even take it off for a couple of days if necessary. In the meanwhile, I’ll watch over her. Let’s see whether she starts crying or not. I really hope for both of us that she doesn’t.

PS: Matilda, lovely, the red bracelet is the worldwide symbol of ana supporters.

Wild nights, danger ahead (long post)

The last days have been confusing. Great moments, with lots of fun, and then some melancholy.

And then the BAD.

Let’s start with the good.

I went out Wednesday night with the crew from work. Steve and I walked to the pub together, ordered two beers and just chilled waiting for the others. The weather is getting hotter and hotter: we’re having over 97F in the evening!! (37Celsius)

So we clicked our glasses and soon after I got up because I wanted to wash my hands, and of course colors started fading and I faltered. Steve grabbed me until I was stable again, and stared at me.

“If you are going to drink that beer, you’d better eat at least something, or you’ll end up drunk, embarrassing yourself in front of all the colleagues”

“… I guess you’re right”

So I ate (300Kcals) and I ended up drinking one beer and a half.

In the meanwhile, Alvaro, Mick, Robin and two others joined us, and Steve managed to drink 12 beers plus half of my second. Of course he ended up drunk, got loud and everything, but it was so funny! At 11-ish, Alvaro bended towards my ear and said “Steve’s drunk. And he’s been staring at your breasts over the last 15 minutes or so. If you prefer, I’ll drive you home when we go”

After the pub, we went to Steve and Robin’s place for a smoke. Well, before we got there, Steve (who by the time was veeeeeeery drunk) pushed me in a corner (firmly but gently) and started getting way too close to my lips. I didn’t want this to happen!! Not in front of the others!! But luckily Alvaro stepped in and pulled me away!! Later on he drove me home as promised: he’s such a gentleman!

Anyway, on the next day Steve emailed me early in the morning: Is there anything I should know about last night that I might not remember? S.

LMAO

When he got to work, he was in a bad shape, head aching and everything, but we spent most of the day together, at the desk or at the coffee machine and I told him stories about the night before and we had a blast! I really hope we’ll do something like that next week!

Let’s go on with the BAD.

We have a new intern. Of course, before she arrived, we checked her out on facebook. I immediately noticed her collar bones. The girl must have a BMI of 16 or so. Bad. Anyway, she got here yesterday. The first thing I noticed: she’s so skinny and beautiful. The second: she has a permanent tattoo, stating THE mantra: “Quod me nutrit me destruit”. The third: while I was staring at her tattoo, she was staring at my red bracelet. Fuck.

This can only lead to trouble. The last girl we hired is a skinny puppy who cries all the time and now thinks I’m her new girl-friend at work (which is bad enough). This new one? She won’t last. She isn’t strong enough to survive in this office, but the boys will bring her out with us and everything. As soon as work gets tough, she’ll start crying and spilling her secrets. And she may spill mine as well. I know, I should support her, but the truth is her presence scares me. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

In the meanwhile, I’m leaving for France for the weekend: Boyfriend and I are attending a wedding by a swimming pool. Food will consist of meat, so I shall be able to avoid bingeing (I’m veggos), and hopefully I’ll get a tan.

I was 121.3lbs this morning, and I hope to be the same on Monday!! BMI: 19.26. I want to see an 18.

I love you skinnies, your comments are the strongest motivation ever

PS I’ll start next week’s fast on Sunday afternoon. I think Ancora and Marcus will fast as well, will you guys? Anyone else joining?