clarity is needed

I may have been a bit melodramatic, but for the sake of clarity, I am not pregnant. Just trying to.

As an excuse, last weekend was somewhat stressful as my 71 years old, lovely and idiot dad went missing for half a day while free climbing a quite dangerous ridge on Monte Rosa.

Dad is fine and safe, he's just an idiot.

Have a good weekend lovelies

Oh the pull

My friend asks me what do I find frightening about the possibility of being pregnant.

I find it so strange that the others do not have the same concerns I have.

9 months without painkillers. The sole idea makes me breathe harder. I have signed up for 20 sessions of back strengthening with a professional in September, but let's be honest... 9 months?

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go 5 weeks without painkillers, but there are times when I spend nights walking in circles around the house since I cannot stand, sit or lay down, and those nights I juggle between Ibuprofen, morphine, cortisol and aspirin in doses that are frankly embarassing.

9 months without drugs, 9 months without wine.

9 months of weight going up without any possibility to revert the trend

and the food? my pregnant friends do not eat any raw vegetable, any milk, any egg unless hard-boiled, any rice, any pasta, any raw fish or raw meat. And this list exhaust everything I DO eat (and like).

Well I met a friend who is a psychiatrist during the weekend and she's had two twins 4 months ago. She told me "the worst part was going 9 months without benzodiazepines". A soul like mine, finally...

We spent the weekend smoking weed, but hey, I stayed away from painkillers. I'm not even kidding myself.

Keith

Keith got married last weekend (finally, considering he's turning 44 next week).

I would have thought this would finally make everyone at peace with the fact that we never ended together, but apparently his parents never really stopped hoping (quite weird considering how everyone seems to believe I have the most rock solid marriage).

Year ago I probably would have spent hours agonizing over the "things could have been different". Now I believe that I have reached a sufficient mindfulness/inner peace not to fret over what could or could not have happened differently.

Good luck Keith - I am sorry we lost touch, but we've been living in different countries for 8 years and this kind of shit happens. I still care for you, and I truly wish you all the best.

I never fell for the super nice or truly good guys, but that is what you've always been and I always did give you credit for that, even when I was an idiotic teenager.

It's all right

I looked into a lie,

and I understood it's sickness

one can't heal from - it's an illness

And I thought about how hard we try. 

I looked into your secret hiding

and realized it was madness

believing in exclusiveness

So I tried to forget, to stop looking

And I watched TV

and I thought that they are stealing my time

and that you, you are stealing my love

But then I took a long walk outside

The sun was shining

And I stopped looking,

I stopped thinking

And it's all right, it's all right, it's all right

(any Italian reader will know the inspiration behind this, but I still decided to post it, after all most of the world does not speak Italian)

I think I am okay, really. Slowly but steadily, the stressful projects I'm on are reaching their natural conclusion and I do not think anything major will start before September.

I will take as much vacation as I can in August and focus on myself a bit.

And only after that I'll probably decide what to do workwise.

xoxo

Skinnier or sober? pieces of conversations

Pain is calling me

and it whispers to me softly "come and play"

I am falling

and IF I LET MYSELF FALL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch,

but why do I feel this party is over?

Coming down, coming down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm looking for myself skinnier

When it's good then it's good it's so good 'till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry never again

broken down in agony just trying to puke again.

(this is what I actually hear when I listen to Pink's Sober)

"You need to lose weight darling"

"I know mom, I do"

"Next time I'll cook the meat so it won't be tempting"

"Yes mom, let's do this".

"How much did you lose from last Saturday?"

"3kg" (that's 6.6lbs for you guys)

"It's too much! have you been fasting??"

"No dad. I have had lunch and dinner every day. I'm just stressed. And I probably gained 2kg back in the weekend"

"...."

"I know"

Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.