03 January 2017

New year, old at heart

My subconscious believes I'm beautiful, skinny and about 18 years old. My subconscious knows all straight men that look at me want to have sex with me.
When I was 18, my conscious self had realized the above was pretty much true, but still wanted to test the facts.

At 34, my subconscious still believes the above. The problem is, I know it is no longer true.
I'm no longer young, I'm no longer skinny. I don't want to test if random people want to have sex with me.

I still wish I was young, skinny and desirable.

It's so complicated.

When I dream, I'm always young and skinny. When I'm awake, I always feel fat. I no longer like myself.
I look at fancy cloths and impulsively think they're great and then I realize I'd never fit it.

I'm so tired to have to justify myself for not wanting kids.
I'm so tired of feeling being fat.

I'm tired of fighting with my husband about his excessive drinking and smoking.
I'm tired of being disappointed with myself.

2 comments:

Aye Ell said...

I felt like I could have written this post. It's hard to look back and it's hard to live in the present.

I hope this new year looks up for you. Even if you don't stick to a daily exercise program every day, the days you do it will make a difference! It's more important to try and fall short that not try and fall even shorter.

Much love to you in this new year!

Anonymous said...

Don't fight with husband! It's great he is relaxed. I had an ex who was a vegan body builder -- TOTAL NIGHTMARE ! Ha ha. No seriously it was bad. PS love you blog. You just seem so glamorous...totally different life though i do love my exercise and am a perfectionist too. X