In the rut

Every morning

When I wake up yawning

I’m still far away …

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

It’s just too far away?

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

You’re digging your own grave?

I’m in a rut.

This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.

I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.

“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.

It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.

I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.

Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.

Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.

Dear skinnies,

I'm sorry, things are out of control.

I'm working 15h+ on daily basis.

Weigh is out of control - went up to 127lbs and back to 123 in 48 hours.... Am way too fat, but I have no time nor will to manage that now.

Hope to be back to regular posting and restricting by the second half of next week.

I miss u lots

xoxo

Ouch

I'm almost 125 lbs. BMI 19.82

Fuck me.

I kinda look pregnant.

I hate myself.

It's just... I am so sad, I feel so hopeless, I can't stop indulging.

I know, that's not a good excuse.

Forgive me. I'll get better, I promise.

Llorando (Crying)

Steve got his job offer yesterday. He has to move to London by October 4^th. Which, in case it wasn’t clear, is less than one month away.

I try to keep a smile plastered on my face, and I congratulated him and everything.

Inside, I’m devastated. Broken hearted.

I’m not even 100% sure he’s willing to try the long distance thing.

Fuck it, I’m no longer 18. I want a full time boyfriend, someone who lives with me, someone who wakes up with me in the morning on working, rainy days, not someone just for vacation and occasional weekends. If I can’t have a live-in boyfriend, I’d rather be single and take full advantage of it. The problem is, I’m hopelessly in love with Steve.

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart: nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

The upside? Once Steve will be gone, I’ll simply stop eating. Just like I lost weight when I was still with the ex but we were living in different countries.

Maybe, if I try hard enough, I’ll disappear before I suffer too much.

Dime tu que puedo acer,

no me quiete ya

y siempre estare

llorando por tu amor

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

I need to fast.

I currently am an awfully fat cow (

No, even worse, because honestly, cows are always cute. I am not cute. I hate myself.

The fact that I just found out my man has been at a strippers’ club last week, with friends, certainly doesn’t make me feel better. It kind of makes me think that, if I looked at least decent, he probably wouldn’t feel this kind of urge.

So, I’m fasting. I really feel it’s the only thing that could possibly make me feel better, right now. And I’ll try to hit the gym as hard as possible over this week. But fasting is my priority n.1.

And if you wanna cheat on me…

…just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s all right, because I like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s all right, because I like the way you lie,

I love the way you lie…

That’s my song for this fast. They’re all so skinny in the video….

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed

the innocent can never last

wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again

like we did when spring began

wake me up when September ends

Summer’s over. At least, it is here. It is still very sunny, but the wind is cold, the nights are so chilly, and the warm days are over.

Granted, I still hope to have fun over the next few weekends (plenty of regattas coming up), but laying in sun and riding my Vespa wearing flip flops and a sundress… well, that’s over.

This pic is the best summary of my summer 2010.

Last night I had my first argument with Steve, over nothing big, but it hurt, and I ended up eating some zucchini and an egg. I woke up this morning sick, I think I’ve got a flu or something. Nose’s running and I have a slight temperature: all in all, I feel like shit. And I’m 122.4lbs (55.5kg). I hate myself.

We’re still waiting for the confirmation that Steve’s going to London.

I’m too sick AND too busy at work to fast. I’ll stick to veggies (no dressings allowed) and fruits. Oh, and tons of coffee of course ;-)

I miss my man badly.

I’m so glad Matilda is back!! You’re so lovely, girl, I really hope this year will be a good one for you.

I miss you guys. Most of you are too busy to post anything in these days, I get it. But I miss you badly.