The day came

The day came, when my dad who, bless him, looks like he was just released from Auschwitz and never reached 140 pounds in his life, told me "do you mind if I prescribe you a diet?". He's a doctor by the way. Said my knees and back are too weak for my weight.
Lost 3kg (about 7 or 8 pounds) In one week with his diet. It's supposed to last 60 days. (It basically consist in fasting).


2 weeks ago one of the senior partners joined a meeting with a client that I was conducting. Videoconference. E stepped into the room I was in and the client (friend of his) said "sit down or we only see your cock" and he answered "this way I'm the right height for Lucia". This morning, after two weeks of avoiding direct confrontation, he cornered me and asked me what was the matter.  Why was I avoiding him.

Tonight I had drinks with my former colleagues, from the firm Vivien worked for. CAN'T THEY SEE ONE PERSON IS MISSING AT THE TABLE?
of course I did not follow the diet, but I puked halfway through and as soon as I came home. Husband's away for  work.

Overall good week from an emotional stand point.

Oh, need to set my alarm at 5h30 cause tomorrow is bank holiday but I need to work. Fuck me. Maybe when they call me a blower right into my face they are right after all.

too late for revenge

Dear Vivien,
so they fired the asshole CEO who made you miserable.
The same one who wouldn't look me in the eye at your funeral.

But it's too late, ain't it?

It's not even revenge, after all, he's retiring as a millionaire, and I don't care.

Maybe, at least, things will improve for those who stayed in the company.

My friend, it's been 5 months and the worst part is there is noone I can talk to about you.

Nor over you

I'm out drinking and the play your favorite  singer.
Will I aver get over you? I start doubting it my friend.
It's been 5 months and it hurts like hell. How could you die so stupidly? No one just drowns for fuck sake
I still love you so much. You were the most amazing person ever. I'll never get over you.

just like that

I ended up fasting for 36 hours, and did not even binge afterwards.
I had not fasted in YEARS.

It was alarming, it gave me an incredible satisfaction.
I'll try again next week

Today I'd rather remember you the way you were,
I'd rather think you still live
Today I will think you are still listening to my ramblings and smile back at me

Nights

While he sleeps, he lays there, so tall and broadshouldered, and yet so vulnerable.

He moans in his sleep, and mutters something about his leg aching. Yet he is not awake, and as I see his distress becoming more and more evident, I try to soothe him.
Incredibly, he does not wake, but still gently caressing his back, his shoulders and his head, murmuring softly in his ear that everything is fine and that he'll feel better in the morning works.
He recovers his inner peace and proceeds into a more calm, quiet, (deeper?) sleep phase.

This always works with him.

Touch me when I'm sleeping, or even just lightly step in the room, or whisper a single word, and I'm fully wake.

Later in the night I wake as he shifted in bed  and is kissing my arm so softly. For a second I wonder what on earth possessed him to wake me at three AM, and again I realized he's fast asleep.

And I love him I love him



And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me.
We both knew it.
And as the years went on, things got more difficult - we were faced with more challenges.
I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning. He is charismatic, magnetic,
electric and everybody knows it. When he walks in, everyone's head turned, everyone stands up
to talk to him. He is like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself.
I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way I understood him
and I loved him.
I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.
And I still love him.
I love him.

Where are you now?

As I get fatter and fatter, I yearn for that vocation, that calling, that muse I used to be able to follow.

All my life I longed to be skinny, but now it's a cry within my soul, hidden deep under the fat. And now I wonder, Ana, where have you been, and will I ever see you again? You've been a gift, for better and for worse, but now you seem to have gone.

gone

I flew back from Greece on Sunday morning, landed happily and got a call.
From a former coworker.
He said "Look I don't know how else to say this, Vivien died"
I actually asked him if this was a bad joke. Vivien, 42, beautiful, healthy and lovely cannot be dead
Vivien, who adopted a troubled, orphaned teenager last summer
Vivien, my friend, who could be trusted to always make sense
Vivien, the kind one, who talked too much and who everyone loved

Vivien drowned last Saturday

Vivien was definitely not the sporty kind, but one thing she could do was swimming. Born and raised by the Mediterrean, swim she could.

Vivien, who a couple weeks ago, when I bailed out of drinks (explaining I had to be at my grandmother's place as my parents were on vacation on the premises I would stay with Granny who's 94) wrote me "I'm thinking of giving up"

We spoke afterwards and she said she was a bit overwhelmed with her kid, but the thought is there

Goodbye my friend. You were awesome. I don't believe in an afterlife. But I do belive you left a sign. So many people were crying at your funeral. We miss you already


Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
I'll let the judges frown

And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be
Goodbye my friend

Summer is coming with news and memories

I remember when life was slow.

In my country, kids enjoy a solid three months summer break from school (albeit they have very few days off during the rest of the year). When I was a kid, living in the countryside, we enjoyed a lot of freedom.

Most of the kids I knew had chores to do in the morning, and then, from noon to supper (which would be typically at 7.30 or 8 PM were completely free. Most of us had bikes, and living by a lake offered infinite opportunities, from swimming, to diving, to explore small canyons, anything really.

But looking back, what really pops into my mind was a lazy rainy afternoon spent watching the Olympic games (something that involved horse I remember) with my mother, who apparently was also able to waste time as well (she was a teacher, so she too had a long summer break).

I am kinda jealous about this – I’ve just booked an appointment with the hairdresser… at 7AM tomorrow morning, which sounds downright wrong, but I’m so glad he’s agreed to see me that early.

But let’s face it, tomorrow the official communication is coming, I’m getting promoted to non equity partner, and celebration is in order. My friend Daniela is becoming equity partner, Matt as well, we’ve booked the winery in the city center, and life is good right? I just hope to fit into that blue dress from last summer’s weddings.

Hot and bothered

The real issue with being married and loving your man, is you can no longer tell your dirty secrets to anyone.
Because it would be betraying your marriage somehow.

And so I'm home alone, Hub's on the other side of the planet, and I'm hot, bothered and frustrated with my dreams, and... I cannot vent with anyone.
Someone mentioning today in a Whatsapp chat my unsuccessfully hitting on Vi 13 years ago did not cheer me up either. A group chat in which Vi is included of course.
And his body is probably not as hot as it looked in my dreams anyway


Well Husband'll be back tomorrow finally, so I guess I'd better just suck it up and try and forget this stupid dreams.

On a positive note, I worked like hell all week and being alone I never had dinner (and sometimes skipped lunch). Hopefully I'll get to see some improvements soon.


I've also been unofficially confirmed I'll be made non equity partner - official communication should come in at the end of the month.
I guess I'm just too tired to really cheer - after all I've been working 18 days straight, most days >12h.

Leave the light on for me

As soon as our friend leaves the table in the winery to go to the restroom, he asks me:
"Do you remember when we went heli-skiing and we had to jump out of the helicopter as it would not land in the place we had chosen for skiing?"
How the fuck do you think I could possibly forget something like that asshole? Of all the stupid things I've done in my life to impress stupid males, this is the one that impressed myself most of all - I think. What I answer is: "Yes, and I still don't get why didn't you make love to me, before or after that"

That kinda leaves him a bit baffled. Serves him right - I do remember the crazy fall from the helicopter, which I thought must have been at least three meters from the ground (later he said 5, but that was probably to impress his friends) and landing in all the snow powder with the blades hitting the air so loudly over my head.

But it only takes him a few second to regain his coolness and smiling like a cat saying "Why, I never thought you would have said yes"
"Shut up stupid - you know perfectly well I asked you to come home with me years before that, when we were in France and I was still hot"
"Damn you were - you still are, but in the Rome office we all still remember how you managed to look hot and innocent at the same time. And after all this years, you still keep wearing these white trousers - we've all had wet dreams about those at some point"

Fuck-you - you still don't want to say it - after all these years?  That you were in love with a chubby and that you like playing and flirting but that's it. Because that is the truth - you did marry her and had kids after all.

But the nice part is, while he still is hot, I'm finding that I truly no longer care, and that I'm having fun but I wouldn't even consider anything with him - I'm actually checking what time it is, because I don't want to come home too late in case Husband gets worried.

Our friend is back, and while later she will tell me that Vi and I "make sparks" and then he was "so smitten with me", I soon leave in the pouring rain (let's all have a silent minute in honor of my formerly white pants please), and run home, where Husband is asleep but has left the light on for me.
And I can't help how much I love Hubby 

What if?

Be careful of what you wish for, my brain whispers me. I know the brain is right.
I seems that, maybe, if everything goes well, blah blah blah, I may be promoted to non equity partner in two months. It's the step before making it.



Allow me a flash-back.
I started working in this specific Big4 when I was 22. I was the youngest, the silliest, the hottest, the skinny bitch who knew nothing but was willing to work VERY hard. I was assigned to a senior manager that we'll call from now on Humbert (Lolita?). He was very demanding, and in the beginning I went home crying a lot at night. Over the following months, B. broke my heart, and although everything seemed a nightmare, Humbert came to appreciate me and supported me at work.
When, not even having spent one year in the firm, I moved to the French office, everyone was angry with me at work, but before I left Humbert called me into his office and encouraged me to keep in touch and to make the most of the experience, and promised I could come back at any time.
Surely neither of us thought that I would come back working for the firm some 12 years later! But that's what happened about one year ago. The firm welcomed me back, and is willing to bet on me. I'm good, granted, but I'm also aware that they need to make female partners, and not many are well positioned as me and my two friends at work to make it :-)


So what am I afraid of?
i) my targets will spike - I know that this year (ending June 30) I'll end up exceeding by far my targets, but I'm cautious about how I can deliver more. Truth is, Humbert (who is now senior partner) is helping me a lot with my sales target. He will keep doing it - if he can. Should the internal political situation change however, his support may no longer be meaningful

ii) will husband be proud enough for me and not feel belittled? This may sound stupid, but hey, this is Italy. My man made it to equity partner - in a Tier 2 firm. Will it be okay for him to have a wife who makes it in a Tier 1 firm?

iii) as much as I want to make it, I know that the partner's daily job is something I like less than my current daily job. I wasn't born to be a salesman, I'm more into the operating part of the job.

iv) Matt, a friend who's one year ahead of me in the process (he'll get promoted to equity partner in June) is now 140kg. That's 308lbs for you Americans. He only uses food to sooth himself, while, let's face it, I am more creative. I (ab)use a mix of a bunch of stuff, most notably wine, pain killers, food, running (less and less these days), and to a much lower extent, drugs. But you guys already know my point: is this sustainable?

Long story short - I'm already planning to rent out Just Cavalli private club to throw the promotion party. I just need to lose weight. And I'm seriously considering a Liposuction.

I'm invincible, yeah I win every single game
I'm so confident, yeah I'm unstoppable today

Oh my heart

I came home to a city half erased
I came home to face.... what we faced
This place needs me here to start
This place is the beat of my heart

I was getting ready and packing my staff when my nephew told me:
"so I really want to try this acrobatics class, but my daddy said that I'm not cut for it"
"I guess it depends Luca. If you aim at the Olympics, whatever you're going to try, at 12 you are too old. If you want to be more agile, and maybe learn a couple of tricks, you should totally go for it!" While I answered readily, my heart was aching - the kid is 12, for God's sake, why does my Bro crash his ambitions? Sport is healthy for him!Meanwhile his sister strikes a mean one : "you must lose weight to do that"
Fuck the little bitch - she's not even really skinny.
Of course Luca turns to get at his sister and I stop him and send her out of the room

"How many of us just had lunch together?"
"Seven"
"Do you know who is the heaviest among those seven?"
"Me?"
"NO!!! Absolutely not! What does your brain tell you sweetie? First you are not tall enough - but it is actually me. You got much skinnier over the past few months, and don't get me wrong, it is good. You want to be more slim? That is fine, and you are right in paying attention to it. But look, you are not fat, you are not. I am definitely fatter than you are"
"But you are beautiful"
"Thank-you darling, that's sweet. But it doesn't change things - I am a bit on the fat side. I'll be paying attention in the next few months - the thing is, there's people like your dad and like grandfather who are naturally skinny, and there's people like us who need to pay a bit more attention. But you need to enjoy life, and sport will always be good for you, Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are not meant for a certain sport - sport is fun, and you should enjoy it! It's good for your body and your mind, and you should try anything that you'd like!"

Lord help me and my nephew, he's only 12. And it's true he used to be fat, but now he's normal - granted, not skinny, but just two months ago the kid ran a 14km race with us, he's healthy now. What the hell does my brother think?

it's sweet, and it's sad, and it's true
how it doesn't look bitter on you
oh my heart, oh my heart, oh my heart!

There is a light and it never goes out.

…and if a double decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side, it’s such a heavenly way to die.

And if a ten ton truck, kills the both of us, to die by your side – well the pleasure and the privilege’s mine.

Take me out, tonight, oh take me anywhere I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care

I don’t want to die fat. But I’d rather die while my husband still loves me. I’m so afraid he will get over me.

So many expectations on me.

Mine: get skinny, make it to the partnership at work. I don’t feel anyone supports me in those.

Husband’s: who knows what he expects of me? Get more fit, surely, Probably a kid, which I don’t want.

Mom’s: children. Stop working as much as I do. Gah

Dad’s: make him get younger (not joking). Do more things with him. Bring him to Nepal again. Oh dad, I'm so worried about you! But I also need to make my marriage work. 

How can I possibly make everyone happy? And myself?

ouch

and of course, eventually I got sick.
Usually I overwork, I get a temperature somewhere above 39° (102F), sleep (and sometimes puke) over 36 hours and get back to life.
I came home on Thursday from a long day in the west, knowing I was not okay. Luckily, when I tesed my temperature, I had muted the call I was on with my lovely American clients, because when I read 39.9° (almost 104F), a lot of swearing went on. Realizing that it was 9PM,I had left home at 7AM and I was still in a fucking conf call did not help.

The real issue is, despite aspirin, paracetamol, ibuprofen and antibiotics... things are not really improving. I spent two nights with 39.9 degrees (bad), and last night was better but the temperature is rising again.

The problem is not about calling in sick. The problem is: who the hell will deliver my 5 projects if I don't? my team? errrrr.... no. Let's face it, they're good guys but on two projects they are not even involved.
Tomorrow it's Monday and I'll be working from home, but to be honest I realize that unless I get better, I can barely function at 50% of my normal capacity (and I'm probably optimistic).
shit shit shit

How do I do it?

How do I do it?
Woke at 5.50 AM, washed up, squeezed my belly into white trousers an an oversize marine blue silk blouse, high heeled booties and ponytail.
I left home at 6.30, heading to the train station. At 7AM I was on the bullet train, laptop on, working. Started conference calls in French at 8.30, reached my destination in the North East at 10 and got into a meeting until 4.30PM. Back to the train station, hopped on the train again, got a conference call with the US (in English), one with another client (in French), one with my boss (in Italian) and another one with a French guy working in a PE in London (in French). In between I tried to brainstorm with the team. At 7.30 the calls were over and I started working.
Arrived at 8.30 in Milan, took a cab, called Mum, got home and started working again.
It's 10 PM, we have no smoke at home, I'm debating whether to wake up at 5 or 6 to get to work tomorrow (luckily from the office). I already know that my last call for tomorrow is scheduled at 7PM (thank-you, US guys for not understanding it's Friday night).
I've been eating sandwiches on the go and milk and cookies all week.
No wonder I'm such a mess.

work hard, get fucked harder

This was an accident, not the kind where sirens sounds: even though I'd noticed I'm suddenly crumbling.
Tell me how you've never felt delicate or innocent?

Do you still have doubts that us having faith make any sense?

Staring at my photograph, everything now in the past, I never felt so lonely, I wish that you could show me love

I am fucking with my own life and not even in a glamorous way.

And the worst part is I fear they may be fucking with me as well - and I may not achieve what I'm working so hard for, and fail, fail, fail.

Get fat e get fucked - that sounds like real good Lucy.

train, eat and work

Came in from a sunny Saturday, at work.
I thought I saw something in the mirror.

I turn on on my laptop, work, listen to music
Still, I can't escape the ghost of me.

What is happening to it all? Crazy, someone say
Where is the Lucy that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world, somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive.


Well now pride's gone out the window, past the rooftop, gone away...


(thought remotely inspired and adapted to Duran Duran's "Ordinary world", although I suspect if anyone's still reading, they'll be too young to know it)

shame on me

Early this week I reached a new highest weight ever.
and just for the shame of it: 143.3lbs, or 65kg. BMI: 22.8

the shame
the shame
the shame

Winter is here

Every new beginning feels harder, but this year feels like I have so much to prove and so many achievements to make gathering on my shoulders.

Work keeps getting more and more demanding. There is some talk going on about making me junior (non equity) partner in June, which would be a first step towards being equity partner in 12 more months; but... I don't know how realistic this can be. I should be working on my business case, instead I'm doing real work for something like 60 hours a week (sometimes 70). I can't work more than I've been doing in November and December; I've already been on the edge of a melt-down, and I've been stressing so much I spent a few nights puking already. So I guess we'll see, but I really shouldn't fantasize too much on this.

I really need to train more and eat better. While training wise I've been good over holidays, and I've already booked a few sessions with a PT to kick-start the year, the problem of course is keep training when work kicks in so hard. I aimed at running 1000km in 2017, and I barely ran 750km, and the figures of Nov and Dec are embarrassing low.

I'm at my highest weight of the last 8 years. during these days when I throw in 12 hours, plus one to go and get back from work, lunch break end in me finding consolation in food. When I come home, hubby is sometimes asleep. We spend one hour together in the morning waking up, having breakfast and talking, and then everything cycles back to madness.

Will I ever feel sexy again?

I need to train, restrict and focus. Winter will end, longer and warmer days will come. I can make it. you too, lovelies.