Fuck it, fuck me

I've been demoted at work.
fuck everything.
I'm going to get drunk, and then on Monday I'll  look into going back to consulting.
What a bunch of fucktards.

Fucking proud

slowly getting back to eating, and successfully avoiding uncontrolled bingeing after fasting.
Had some regular food last night, with no damages (the scale even awarded me with a small loss this morning).
Fucking proud of myself. I need to do this more often.

Day Four

My hands are shaking. I did train last night, but this morning I gave up running, as I felt the danger of passing out and/or embarrassing myself by vomiting (and thus exposing my fasting to my husband) was concrete.

On the sad side, I've only dropped 2kg (just a little over 4 punds), and I was hoping for more. Granted, I did have a bowl of steamed spinach last night, and I'm planning to have another one for lunch today - let's face it, passing out at work isn't an option, but still. Let's hope to see a better number on the scale tomorrow morning.

Back to old habits

Do you remember when you used to fast?

I didn't think I was any longer capable of fasting. The last time must have been in 2011 or maybe even before. Yet, somehow, I've been fasting for 62 hours, and I hope I can go on. The plan is keeping on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

Oh, I had forgotten entirely how deeply satisfying fasting can be!! In case you are wondering, I've had so far two detox drinks (spinach, fennel, celery and chia seeds), and a bowl of green salad (no oil, no sauce, just pure lettuce), which I do consider as fasting. In addition, I worked out twice (gym + running, and one Kayla ITsines BBG workout), and I plan to workout tonight as well (another Kayla Itsines session).

Let's face it, the only reasons I can actually make it are i) my husband is away/working all the time and has work dinners pretty much all week long, and ii) I'm doing nothing at work.

Work, by the way, is so bad right now I don't even want to talk about it.

Well let's see how long I can make it last. I kinda feel younger.

joke of the day

during a meeting with the C-suite today (the top management of the firm), a colleague apparently challenged a projection saying "of course you can wish but that doesn't change things. I wish I was hot, tall and blonde like Lucy's Shadow, but that doesn't change who I am"
:-o

Failure

At the end of December, my boss was demoted at work. As an indirect consequence,  I went from being second line (albeit with privileged access to the CEO) to being third line.
The new CFO is a fat bitch.

Then last Friday, with no warning at all, I was moved from my office to the open space.
I know it's petty, but this was humiliating.

Action plan: the next two months will be focused on training and losing weight (because let's face it, I'm back to 134lbs (almost 61kg)); meanwhile, I'll figure if things work out here or if I'd better find another job. Should I quit, I think I have a couple other options, so I'm not really worried. I just feel I failed - nothing new there right?

New year, old at heart

My subconscious believes I'm beautiful, skinny and about 18 years old. My subconscious knows all straight men that look at me want to have sex with me.
When I was 18, my conscious self had realized the above was pretty much true, but still wanted to test the facts.

At 34, my subconscious still believes the above. The problem is, I know it is no longer true.
I'm no longer young, I'm no longer skinny. I don't want to test if random people want to have sex with me.

I still wish I was young, skinny and desirable.

It's so complicated.

When I dream, I'm always young and skinny. When I'm awake, I always feel fat. I no longer like myself.
I look at fancy cloths and impulsively think they're great and then I realize I'd never fit it.

I'm so tired to have to justify myself for not wanting kids.
I'm so tired of feeling being fat.

I'm tired of fighting with my husband about his excessive drinking and smoking.
I'm tired of being disappointed with myself.