Leaving on a jet plane

Lovelies,

I'm going to Nepal. I'll be trekking up to Everest Base Camp.

I'm confident that this will boost my metabolism and help me drop weight.

Of course I'll have zero internet access.

I will be back on November 8.

Love

Lucy

Ask me to wear white for you, and I'll be yours forever

This body? I'd kill to have it!

Instead of asking me, he's leaving in 5 days. And I'm hopelessly in love.

A few nights ago he said "When in ten months we'll still be in love as we are now, we shall get married".

My hair looks just like that. How come my body DOESN'T?

Scenes from last weekend

Act 1, in a small boutique, while I’m trying a lovely white, warm racket I fancy

Mother “You don’t look good in those jeans”

Lucy (shadow? This is fat Lucy talkin’, no shadows here) “Umh you always say that, no matter what jeans I’m wearing, mother”

Mother “Yeah, the thing is, you’re not 17 anymore, and more important you’re not 45 kilos anymore, so you should stop wearing jeans altogether”

Lucy * keeps quiet and desperately tries to swallow her tears back, while handling her Amex to pay for her jacket. Silently wishing she could just lose weight by paying with her Amex.

Act 2, dinner party at next door neighbor (aged 52), about 35 people attending

NDN (on his way to drunk-ness) “You know, Lucy here, you should see what a nice boyfriend she has now!”

Another friend “Yeah totally, don’t let him go Lucy, he totally seems a great guy, plus he’s gorgeous”

NDN “Yeah well, you should probably drop a couple pounds if you want to keep him”

(Note: NDN is obese, not just overweight. My BMI is currently 20. Awful, I know, but do I deserve all this?

Also, sorry for the lack of posting.

I cough a flue that is still lingering, and I’m working 60-70 hours per week. It’s all pretty insane. I keep reading you though.

I love you all!!

In the rut

Every morning

When I wake up yawning

I’m still far away …

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

It’s just too far away?

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

You’re digging your own grave?

I’m in a rut.

This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.

I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.

“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.

It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.

I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.

Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.

Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.

Dear skinnies,

I'm sorry, things are out of control.

I'm working 15h+ on daily basis.

Weigh is out of control - went up to 127lbs and back to 123 in 48 hours.... Am way too fat, but I have no time nor will to manage that now.

Hope to be back to regular posting and restricting by the second half of next week.

I miss u lots

xoxo