Life sucks, and then you get fat

Ouch, I have done it again.

Binged last night, while I had been doing well over the last few days.

I had lost almost 3lbs, now I’m back to 124.5 (56.5kg). No one else to blame, it’s all my fault.

The reason I do this to myself is simple: I am awfully unhappy. I miss Steve and work is hell on earth. Now I just found out that on Monday and Tuesday, when Steve will be here, I will be sent away for work. Needless to say, Steve works as much as I do, so he doesn’t even have the time to talk to me.

So I’m on my own on this: an old buddy of mine (used to be my boss ages ago) wants me to join his company. It’s a start-up, but he’s offering me def. better money than I’m doing now. And of course, should thing work well for him, I’d be in from the beginning (he set up the business at the end of last year). Yet, should things turn bad for him… in this economy.. what would I do? Oh, and of course we’re talking about a 65+ hours a week kind of job.

The truth is I hate changing job, I hate the stress that comes with it, but it may be time to show some guts and do it.

I cannot change the “Steve is so far away” situation, can I? Also, being so unhappy doesn’t help. I cannot stop thinking how better things would be if he was here. He’s putting a lot of pressure on me ‘cause he’d want me in London, but there is no way I’m moving. And since I’m an awful bitch, I’m afraid at some point I will start resenting him for not being here with me. Because in the end, let’s face it: he chose London over me.

So my life sucks right now. And I’m fat.

Great huh?

Stuck into the rut

I gained even more. I woke up at 125.8 this morning. I felt numb.

Weight loss competition, huh? Mother spent the weekend criticizing each piece of my wardrobe always saying I’m too fat or that I need a bigger size (which is exactly the same).

Thanx Mother, it’s always nice to feel loved.

So I binged like a mad cow yesterday. Very reasonable, huh?

I’m sticking to fruits and raw veggies until Friday night (and coffee of course, but since I have it unsweetened, that doesn’t add up). I need to get back in control, just like I was in July.

The thing is, work has been really depressing lately. Mother keeps making sneaky comments. Keith, my eldest bro, moved back to our country, and is so busy screwing his girlfriend he hasn’t yet found time to see me. Steve is away and keeps putting pressure on me because he’s miserable and wants me to move to London (which is simply not going to happen because I can’t and don’t want to move abroad anymore).

I need to hit the gym harder, to fast, to feel I’m in control. Also, I need to clean up my place, I started last night (after bingeing). I need to seriously think about work: what am I going to do? Keep up with this, or look for something else (no clue what I could do other than this by the way)?

I need to see a skinny bitch staring back at me when I look into the mirror.

Back to life, so in love

Well, I’ve been in London and things with Steve were… just great.

I’m so in love with him, he seems so in love with me, sometimes when we hug I feel tears of joy streaming from my eyes.

The distance, especially after spending 24/7 together for months, is really tough. Luckily, he’s flying to see me in 8 days, and he’ll be staying for 4 nights. But I know, enough romance!

As for the weight, well, I haven’t behaved as I should have (of course) but I still managed to drop a tiny little and am currently 123.2 lbs (55.9kg). I, however, fear next weekend at home, when we’ll be celebrating Mum and Granny’s birthday. Also, I need to have a serious talk to Mum about weight, because she needs open her eyes and go back to restricting pronto! Damn, 10 years ago Mother dropped 18kg (almost 40lbs), and she’s tiny!

And now, well, let’s say over the last year, she gained back maybe 7-8kg, and it’s such a shame!

So I want to try to talk her into a bit of pre-Christmas weight-loss competition. We’ll see how she takes it…

Growing up..

One of the biggest advantages of ageing is the way you live your love relationships.

One may thing teenage love, with all the drama involved, evolves, but it’s not true. Life does. So at 28, you get to live a relationship in a more natural, smooth way. You most likely move in together and your man gets to know you actually have hair on your legs that require a painful maintenance. He gets to know that you poo, that you own period underwear, that at the end of a long working day your armpits smell: in short, that you are human.

And that’s great! Because really, your love life gets to a much higher level of intimacy, and everything is smoother.

And then your man moves to another country, and all you get are weekend visits, and you get back to the crazy loop, where you think that, since you get to see each other only once in a while, he needs to see the perfect you. And so you get crazy again with waxing, manicure and that stuff. And you crazily get a haircut on Friday afternoon, right before hopping on a plane, because you feel insecure because he never has time for you anymore because he’s working too much.

And of course that bitch of a hairdresser fucks up everything and gives you curls when you asked for straight hair. And you look like you shoved your fingers into a plug and got 220 volts straight to your hair.

Needless to say, your boyfriend will work too late to get to Gatwick to meet you. Of course you will have to get on your own to his new place.

And of course, you’re fucking fat, because you are a failure (fuck, you even ate chocolate cake at lunch: who the hell does that??). And that’s why he doesn’t have time to talk to you on the phone or come and get you.

Because you’re a failure, and what’s worse is you cannot possibly hope that you’ll be better when you grow up because you’re fucking 28, and you have already grown.

Into a huge, fat failure.

I can't explain it...

Stop telling me you miss me too much. Stop saying life ain’t beautiful without me by your side. Because I didn’t leave: you did.

I miss a little bit the air of that nights,

Or even just the soft skin of your back.

And that clock would never turn,

Just like me it was watching you.

I never cry about you,

I’ll never do such a thing, no, never..

Okay I confess,

I do think about you,

But I just move on

You cannot touch me anymore.

But then, I was thinking how useless it is,

believing I’m fine when winter is coming,

and you take away your warm hands,

you don’t hug me, don’t tell me how great I am.

Those memories that make me live through many things…

Flats, books, newspapers, things that are worthless

but allow you to go on dreaming…

Forgive me, I’d never want to put you in distress,

but can you tell me how this can be over?

I can’t explain it myself….

(adapted from this)

PS: 123.9lbs. Small steps, at least in the right direction

Special needs

“Hey Lucy, I’m in Scotland! Look girl, I’m Flying back on Thursday: can I bring you anything? Maybe Hoola Hoops? Are you still a fun of that crap?”

My friend Kat, Lord bless her, called me this morning. As if I needed more junk food to stick to my hips.

Although my trousers are loose, although I KNOW I have dropped some fat in Nepal, I’m 124.4 lbs. Bleah. Now, while trekking I've been sick, I caught some virus that thought my stomach was the best place in the world, and after a while I would puke even water. I managed to complete the trek, but I didn’t eat nor drink for DAYS (I also ended up being badly dehydrated, but there was no way to avoid it).

I know that if I'm so heavy, it's partly because I've built up some muscles. But 124.4 lbs, a BMI of 19.75, that's simply inacceptable.

Now that I'm back and I'm living alone, I have to take full control of things. By Christmas, I need to be well below 120lbs. Especially since I'll be spending holidays with Steve, so I need to get skinnier BEFORE Xmas.

This morning I went back to the gym (finally), because I know muscles are heavy and everything, but I want to stay toned and I'll need the training for the skiing season.

My ultimate goal weight would be 105 lbs. Which would mean a BMI of 16.8. I don't think I could ever get there, but I need to try in order to find out, right? In the meanwhile, small steps. First goal will be 120 lbs, but I need to get there ASAP.

I'm catching up with your blogs lovelies. Be strong, always.

Missing

I’m back.

It was beautiful. But I don’t want to talk about it now, I’ll do it Tomorrow.

For once, my biggest fear is not the scale. I still haven’t weighted myself (I’ll do it tomorrow morning). My biggest fear is facing the emptiness of my flat.

Steve has moved to London while I was away.

Not only I’m back to a spinster-ish lifestyle. I’ve also lost the friend I could always count on for drinks, or for a late night herbal tea. I cannot anymore hope on my bike and reach my best friend at any time. Because my best friend, my favorite coworker, my love, my everything went away.

And now I have to face it.