Check-up

 Can you please step on the scale?

When I booked the check-up, I knew this was going to happen. And frankly speaking, the clinic scale was kind to me, indicating 1.2kg less than my home scale (2.6lbs)

170cm and 73kg

I stay quiet. I mean, it wasn't a question, it's a statement, so I don't think an answer is needed

Have you experienced any weight gain?

Ah, yes, I had a knee surgery two years ago, and then the lockdowns, and I gained 15 kilos (33lbs my dear American friends). I lost a couple in August and September when I finally started training again, but my knee discus tore again a month and a half ago.

And before your knee accident, did you experience weight swings? Were you ever on a diet?

Uh, no, not really (mind your fucking business)

Any eating issues? 

Nope (mind your business bitch - do you really think I'm going to spill it all over here? This check-up is work sponsored you idiot - I'm not that dumb). 

Yes Doctor - I know I've put on weight and I'm trying to find new forms of training that are respectful of my knee. I'm doing elliptical now, but I used to run a lot in the past. I know I'm a bit overweight and I'm concerned for the impact on my back and on my knee.

Yes, you must lose 10kg

Ok I understand (first of all: I have to lose at least 15, bitch. Second - I hate you and I know what you are going to say)

So you should eat fish or chicken

I'd rather fast than eating those Too late I realize this has slipped out of my mouth. My disgust for fish and chicken is too strong to hide

Ah, but you need to eat fish or meat at lunch, with a side of vegetables, and then fruit. And the blah blah blah blah blah

My thoughts wonder, while I nod furiously and make promises.

This was fucking humiliating

Once upon a time

 Aunt Piera made it so far, and was sent home last weekend. I spent the last two weekends at my parents' place, as Mom (the Panther) really needed some rest and someone to step up on her behalf.

I was VERY happy to see Aunt back, although I must admit she is so much more fragile (I know it sounds absurd as you will tell me the woman was 94 even before her heart attack, but trust me - she was not fragile). It's not just a psychological matter: she cannot hurry or make efforts as she gets angina if she does. On Saturday night, after she spent the day at my parents' place (she had had her third covid shot in the morning) I was walking her to the car as she wanted me to drive her home, and she missed a step. I was kinda expecting this, as my Grandma (her sister) always misses the same step, so I was holding her and she did not fall at all, but she got a bit scared and she immediately had a bit of angina.

Meanwhile Grandmother is less and less lucid and aware - most of the time it's like she'd rather be left alone than having someone talking with her. While I try and understand this, it is very hard for her sister (Aunt P) and her daughter (my Mom).

On Sunday morning Aunt P came over for lunch, and we talked a bit just the two of us, about how much she still misses her husband (who passed 30 years ago), and how they always cared for each other. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 16, and not one year later he went rogue as his older brothers were called to war and they all ran away, so they all spent 2 years in the mountains as partisans. They were not driven by high ideologies, politics, or anything really, except for one strong drive: staying alive. --he would write postcards to his young fiancée, and sometimes she would hike up the mountain to bring him a basket of food.

Later on, while I was driving back to the city, I thought about how skinny and unhappy I was in all those years back from when B left me, until I started dating Husband. How I felt alone, lonely, and how I had gotten used to being sad and hurting.

And yet, Husband deserves more - he started dating a skinny girl, married a normal one, and now has a fat wife.

And I deserve more.

So it's probably time I do something about this - after all, I'll never go back to running again, so it's time to restrict.

Family shenanigans

 I started this post a few times already, and then cancelled it. I guess I'll try again.

Grandma is more and more volatile these days (she's 98 and in good health, but her memory is getting more and more fragile). She started sleeping most of the time, and has suddenly reduced significantly her food intake (which is a polite way to say that until 2 weeks ago she ate like a pig, and now she eats like a picky anorexic). We initially blamed this on a temporary effect from her third dose of vax, but it did not change.

Her sister, Aunt P, is really like another grandmother to my family: the two sisters were always close, Aunt P and her late husband did not have kids and she's always been very much involved with us. I remember that when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with Aunt P and her husband (as I did not attend kindergarden) and I remember going to ski with them, and even a vacation in Austria. They were such a cool couple!

Uncle passed away at 64, almost 30 years ago and our relationship with Aunt P was even reinforced while, as she grew old, she relied more and more on us being the only family left she had.

On Sunday I received a call from mom who was crying and sobbing loud. It took me a few minutes to understand that Aunt P, who is now 94, had had a heart attack. I was 3 hours drive away and sped home as fast as I could. Poor Aunt was home alone, and although by the time I got there she was already at the hospital in ICU, her house was a mess. The poor woman had tried to crawl to the phone but was not able to place a call - in the process, she had thrown up all over the place.

I helped my mom cleaning up the mess and regaining a bit of composure, and by the time I drove back to the city it was almost early morning.

She made it, but she was scheduled for another coronary angiography last night... which she refused. Dad, who's a cardiologist, says she's gonna have another heart attack unless she undergoes the procedure. 

Meanwhile, my grandmother keeps trying to phone her sister and complains she's never home - we've told grandma several times about the accident, but she simply forgets. And even worse, we all believe that her relationship with her sister is one of the things that makes her hold on, and missing her probably does not help.

Ah whatever, I foresee a difficult month ahead.

Nothin's fine I'm torn

 Well, it's not as dramatic as the title may suggest, but I've torn AGAIN my left knee meniscus, the same one I broke 3 years ago and had surgery on almost two years ago. It took me 15 months from the surgery to walk okay, and now it's fucked up again. (and even before this last event, it was understood that running was a souvenir from the past).

I do not expect anyone has been reading this rambling blog for the last 10 years or so, but running used to be a big part of my life - until 3 years ago. And then, I got fat: no wonder, as I eat the same (or more) and I used to run something in between 18km and 40km per week.

In any case, there is no way I'm repeating surgery . frankly speaking, it was SO NOT WORTH IT - the pains were much more significant than the benefits.

The only problem is this only leaves me one option which is to lose weight. And instead, of course, I keep gaining :-(

PS how did I tear it this time? Oh, by doing exactly the exercises that all doctors and physiotherapists have suggested I do. What the fuck. 

August can be difficult

So we had to buy a new car as the old one was a company car and I had to give it back.

I wanted a Tesla but in the end the chargers are not yet spread enough in this country for it to make sense. I thought we were going to get a Mercedes Class A, went to the shop and Husband started blubbering about a CLA.

At this point I stepped up - there is NO WAY we need such a big car. If that's the budget he had in mind, fine, we were going to get what I liked.

I chose this beauty:

(yes, it does have a hard top - I'm not nuts yet).

No we do not need 4 seats. 2 and a small trunk are absolutely enough.

And what if you need to move something large? I'll hire someone or rent a van

And what if you have a baby? Well, that's not happening, is it? And if it happens, last time I heard you get quite a few months of notice - more than enough to sell the car a buy a larger one.

So we drove off to the Italian and Swiss Alps for a short vacation. Frankly, it wasn't great. We worked too much during the vacation, I got a horrible period with all my body aching full time... The long story short is: i) I can't stand this periods thing any longer and want to get back to Nexplanon; ii) Alps are beautiful and everything, but we haven't been at the sea since Jan20 and I just want to have some peaceful time laying in sun on a beach, not having to climb mountains or anything.

So when we came back to my Parents place at the lake, since I have a few extra days off and Husband wants to go back to work, we decided that I'll stay at the lake a couple more days, working a bit in the morning (this will allow me to take it easy next week, rather than start with a hellish week) and in the afternoons I lay in sun on the inflatable mattress on the lake with Mom (the Panther). I'll also take the cat to the vet on Friday since he has a big lump on his shoulder that will have to be removed - poor kitty!

It's good to cool off a bit and relax, but if the Panther keeps telling me more than 10 times a day that I got horrendously fat and I REALLY REALLY need to drop weight, I might scream.