Thinking about the Horrors

 The Horrors is how I've come to define the 2021-2025 period, when I was always feeling unwell and all doctors told me I just had to lose weight and be less stressed (and then it turned out I have a womb tumor that was affecting all my body). If I have to recap 2026 so far, I got diagnosed, started treating the issue, starting feeling like a champ (ok like before 2020) and got in the best shape of my life. I also lost 22kg or 48lbs since my highest weight.

The reason I'm writing this is that a difficult part of the process was getting over the fact that I feel I wasted 4 years of my life and that it could have been avoided with just a simple, harmless scan had any gynecologist actually listened to me. 

I do not intend to dwell any further on this, my goal is to enjoy my life as much as I can, but today I'm sick (I have a step throat) and here's the thing: except for the throat ache, today I feel exactly how I felt almost daily over those 4 years:

- back pain

- hurting knee

- every step feels miserable on my joints

- standing up from a chair feels taxing

- overall miserable and prone to tears

(at least I'm not bleeding by hey). The main difference is I know by tomorrow I'll feel better and by the end of this week I'll be back in my champion shape.

And guys I can positively tell you I am amazed at how I still got my shit together over those long painful years. I now forgive myself for the weight gain and for everything. Actually, I deserve a treat for how good I was (ok it will be a black decaf but still :-) )

Sometimes self forgiveness is also important.

Song for this post: "F**kin' Perfect" by P!nk

Back to it

 Husband was slightly dizzy for a couple days during our stay in Greece, I got him some antibiotics and he immediately improved - two days later I spent 6 hours puking VIOLENTLY - like 12 times in 6 hours and I got a throat ache from the acid. The antibiotics quickly kicked in, which was lucky because the next day we had a rough 3 hours by boat to get to Mykonos from where we were flying back (I cannot imagine how I would have managed to do the whole journey while sick).

Despite this and the work, the week in Greece was amazing. We've been to this remote island so many times that by now we know the locals, and Greek hospitality is still more sacred than it's depicted in the Odissey, trust me. The weather was amazing, the food is always good, the place is beautiful, what else could I ask? The cherry on the top: we even had sex three times and one of them it was not me starting things!

It was a week lived from dawn to night, everyday watching the sun rise during a morning walk/slow run, and every evening enjoying the sunset. One day, not too far, I will be able to live a life where I can enjoy every sunrise and every sunset, it's a promise I've made to myself.

One mor pic from Greece (I don't know why I always look short in pictures when I'm tall in reality!):

I'm also happy that overall during the stay at the lake, the couple days in Zermatt and the week in Greece I did not gain a single pound- I did not lose either but that's okay, it was not the goal.

Now I'm back and I need to do another next step - although it's not gonna be easy as September plan includes:

- 3 and 4: corporate party event at the best beach club in Tuscany (it's the only event I am in charge of and trust me it's huge). Fort the first time in years, I will not cover up like a nun - I think I'll wear a bikini with my short jeans

- 9 and 10: corporate partners meeting in Rome

- 19: Anyma concert with one of my nephews (at least this will be an event with no food)

- 20 (Sunday): family gathering at our place to celebrate some birthdays (husband and a brother in law, it's going to be 20 ppl)

- 21 to 23: corporate Europe leadership meeting in Munich, will include two dinners one of which at Oktoberfest

- 23 to 24: other corporate event in Munich

- 26 (Saturday): big family lunch at the lake

- 28 and 29: meeting in Frankfurt with dinner

I guess I'll throw in as many gym sessions as possible! I think this will not leave me any time form the customary September melancholy, which is actually good as I tend to get that a lot.

Did I forget Mischief? I did not. He texted from Hawaii where he was with the family, than from DC (funeral), and now he's in Japan.

Back to Heaven

 I’m here, the place I hope to retire to.

Still working a bit but not much. Eating bread risk and tomatoes. Life is beautiful 

Cloudy eclipse

 August 13 and my summer vacation is yet to start. But enough feeling miserable.

We moved to my Parents' place by the lake on Tuesday as S was fed up with the city. The minute we got here he started complaining. it's too warm (it is), the air is filled with smoke from the fires (it is), the Canadairs plunging in the lake a few yards from my Parents house are noisy (they are), he is bored as I'm working all day (he is and I am). Between him and the Panther claiming my attention, my capability to work is seriously impaired. neither seem to realize that if they gave me 6-7 solid hours for two consecutive days I'd be done. Instead they interrupt me every 15 minutes, each time setting me back (I do need to focus to get work done). I'm exhausted.

On the flip side of the coin:

- S is training me like crazy despite lacking the home gym. He prepares a daily plan that is either HIIT or pure strength and I'm sore all over which is good

- yesterday a family friend came into the backyard while we were training and she was like "Oh my God, you have a sick pack!!" (not true but still made my day)

- last night I had organized a family picnic with Bro and his family, Parents and us on top of a neaby mountain to have dinner and watch the solar eclipse. We got to see about 20% of the eclipse, then as luck would have it ONE SINGLE CLOUD came in and obscured the sun. But we did have an amazing time, all together

I'm eating too much and cannot weight myself which worries me but hey, it's August. at worst I'll have to diet more in September. I'll get back to work...

Song for this post: "The Spectre" by Alan Walker

America?

 Summer is half over and I'm still here working.

I finally got the deal that made me spend so many nights in negotiation calls signed, but another one started, the team has signed off for vacation (some projects finished, some not) and as always when I feel I'm alone working on something I feel lonely. It's not even fair that I write this because I have a manager who is working with me super hard on this project but he's based in India and I still feel lonely.

I also miss Mischief, who has last texted on Tuesday and then went MIA.

Spotify just gave me an old Italian song that says this:

Make me dream! she bites her lip and can feel America

Make me fly! he reaches out with his hand, and she can touch America

Make love to me! stronger and stronger, as if it was America

Make love to me! stronger and stronger, and I am America

Food control has not been good but yet I did lose a little more and woke up at 59.9kg - 132lbs - BMI 20.7 -  while change is minimal, the psychological threshold of having a different first number when you do kilos is big. I felt a little in a rut but now I feel again I can reach 57 by end of September. I want to need new jeans.

I'm also still working hard on the pull-up goal. I can do two non-assisted chin-ups and if I have a good bar 1 pull-up but I need to see improvement and am a bit worried about vacation as I won't have access to a bar. Whatever.

Song for this post: "America" by Gianna Nannini

A weekend by the sea

 I spent most nights last week in negotiation calls / reviewing agreements and shooting emails. The latter is possibly worst than the former, because when I know I have a videocall starting at 11PM, I just try to get home not too late, get dinner ready, relax a bit with aperitivo on the terrace with husband, have dinner, maybe watch some TV with him and then he goes to bed and I get ready for my call. But when emails keep coming and going, I go to bed and then I fall asleep but I stress that something may be happening so I typically wake at 1 in the morning, start reading emails and reviewing things and this can go on for two to four hours and then once it seems things are calming down I fall back to sleep but I'm still stressed so that's not good.

Why at night? because our counterparties are in San Francisco which has a 9 hours difference this time of the year (it's even worse n October when it's 10 hours); also, this time it's a bunch of disrespectful idiots (that's usually not the case but it is on this deal). With some luck this shall be signed today (although I have already started another acquisition project again in SF).

Husband and I spent the weekend at the seaside, our neighbors have a nice villa on a sea-facing cliff and had invited us to stay for the weekend. I love so much spending time by the sea, especially in summer. Just the sensation of the sun on my skin paired with the smell of the sea is enough to make me feel so good. Of course I had to be in a call through half of the dinner, but overall it was a lovely weekend. I managed not to stress too much about how I looked in my bikini, relaxed a bit in the sun and had some good laughs. I binged, but I'm at a point where I don't feel like complaining about what I've done - I'd rather focus on the next steps. I hope I get more sleep this week as this will certainly help keeping the training and eating on track.

I had the dietician appointment this morning and even though I missed the goal by 1 kg (we had so much focaccia and various pesto and carbs over the weekend I feared the worst) he was happy with the results: 60.3kg (132.9lbs) - BMI 20.9. Next time will be beginning of October, with a goal of 57-58kg. He also said I can start eating some chickpeas, which I missed tremendously.

Finally, Mischief keeps the chat alive. I suspect he will continue to do so in the next 10 days or so and then disappear as he'll go to Hawaii with the family in the second half of August. I dreamt of him on Saturday, and we were walking around Milano.

Song for this post: Wicked game by Chris Isaac

This is where we had dinner on Saturday

More zombies please

 Believe it or not, just as I wrote my last post, that night Mischief reappeared. I am starting to think I have jinx powers - when I write here he disappears, he resurfaces. When I write here he's supposed to call he never does.

I also realize what this actually means: he's just not that into me and he probably writes and calls when he feels lonely or bored, or when he needs something from me.

In case you were wondering, he just randomly texted, it was late and I was with work friends at a champagne tasting experience which should have involved 6 wines and actually involved 12 glasses. It was a fun night overall, I sent him a pic of the glasses and then he went on bitching a bit about how he works too hard and has too many social nights with clients. As much as my heart kind of skipped a bit when I saw he was texting, I was overall unimpressed. I'll try not to initiate any conversation going forward (but the reality is that if I travel to the US I will text him, let's face it, even though he said he does not want to see me, because I apparently have 0 dignity - and I am likely to travel to the US in Autumn). 

On a different note, my training schedule still involves some elliptical machine sessions, which I especially love because I watch those films and shows that my husband is not keen on while doing this. I try to watch them in English (unless if they are French of course) to practice a bit. The thing is lately (after finishing Euphoria I should say) I have indulged in romance (One day, Before Sunset - which really struck, Notting Hill). I do not think this is good for me right now, so once I'm done with Notting Hills I shall go back to something violent an unromantic - my top pics are usually shows involving zombies, although I will re-watch Fauda in the autumn before the new season comes out. If you have recommendations, they're welcome! (I would love to watch Station Eleven as I adored the book, but it's not available in Italy).

Weight update: 60.3kg - 132.9lbs, BMI 20.9

Final appointment with the dietician in a week and I still have one kg to go - fingers crossed

Song for this post: "The Spectre" in the Alosa version

Jeans and clients

I lost count of the jeans I've bought and discarded this year as they were getting too loose. 

Last night I was talking to a client (my main and my favorite by far incidentally)  and he was commenting the counterparty requests on a deal we're working on and he said "it's like the thing you always say, right? about how anyone can lose 20kg by dieting but what we're buying is the current situation, not a hypothetical adjustment". And I said "so true! but I may need to change example because I lost 19 kg, you have not seen me in a while". And he was like "really??? are you like massively training, or dieting or both?" and I explained and honestly, I think it's the first time I realized that I have really lost 19 kg and in pounds the number is even more satisfying (42lbs).

If I'm being honest, I'm also more slim than I used to be at the same weight in the past - I think it is because I am doing a lot of strength training on top of cardio, and I never lifted in the past - my posture has improved as well.

Mischief has of course disappeared entirely, as expected. To Bath point, yes, he is married and has two teenage kids. I may also add that there was a bump in his marriage many years ago when he spent a night with a colleague, who later sent a letter to his wife informing her she had given him a blow job.

Which incidentally brings me to the BJ topic - I never understand if Americans are obsessed with blow jobs or if they simply don't get them at home? I realize it's my neurodivergent mind that dwells on these kind of topics, but I have come to peace years ago with the fact that my mind is wired differently than most people's.

Weight update: 60.8kg - 134lbs - BMI 21.0

Song for this post: "Dernière Danse" by Indila

Snap

So I'm snapping, one, two

Where are you?

You're still in my heart

Snapping, three, four

Don't need you here anymore

Get out of my heart

'Cause I might snap

Working on my goals (still supported by the elastic band though - is there an elastic band equivalent for my feelings?)

Weight: 61.3kg - 135lbs - BMI 21.2

Song: Snap! by Rosa Lynn

or maybe

 ... he's just not that into me.

Maybe I'm just old, fat and simply unattractive.

the end of Mischief

 Me: Mischief, can you find 5 minutes to talk?

Mischief: sure call me tomorrow - I'll be in the car 8AM to 8h30 

That was yesterday. My last ancestor passed on Sunday, she was my grandmother's sister but we always treated her like a grandmother and she was extremely close to my mother. She was 99 and she died weighting less than 55lbs (25kg). The poor woman had shrank to almost nothing.

The funeral was this morning so I went to the lake and even gave a speech at the funeral - I think this really made my mother happy, so at least there's that. Husband was super nice and drove with me. I admit I wasn't very emotional - to be honest, I have already grieved her, I know it sounds bad but I realized that this is how it works with me when people lose their minds. Also I believe in being there for people when they are alive, rather than at their funeral - but still, all went well.

We drove back and I admit I escaped to the office since husband was working from home. I did not want to be mean, but I thought it was time to close things with Mischief and I could not possibly do this while I was sitting in the same room with S.

So I called, he did not pick up but called back in a couple minutes. Small chatted for like 15 minutes, told me a lot about his plans, his upcoming vacation, business etc. When he asked me about my travel plans I said the reason I wanted to talk to him is I am figuring out whether to push or not to attend certain US meetings. I said

"I figured you did not want to see me two weeks ago when I was in NY so I did not call or ask, you were with your family and it would not have been a good idea."

and he was like "wait you were in NY? when?"

I said "July 1st and 2nd. I sent you a picture"

"Oh I did not realize you were there. I would have wanted to see you but you are probably right"

I said "Look it's fine but honestly - I want to see you but at this point, I need to understand if you do want to see me or not. For the sake of clarity, I would never try to mess up with your life or your family, but I know what I want. I believe we can work this out but in the end I need to know if you want it"

I knew this was not going well. He stayed quiet and then said "I do not think it's a good idea to see each other. I want to but I don't think we can handle this".

I said "Fine. I understand. I do not agree but I understand"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I would want to see, I do not want or wish anything crazy but I feel like I'm 17 when I'm with you and I think it's the same for you and this is not going to happen to me again, but I understand your motives so it's fine."

And then he was like "Wait so we're not friends anymore? You're like not gonna talk to me again?"

I said "Mischief, when have I ever not talked to you?" (inside my mind I was like what are you, 15 years old?)

He rumbled a bit more about how he wants to see me but thinks this is too difficult to manage and so on, and then thanks God he said he had a meeting and he had not realized I wanted to have this kind of conversation or else he would not have talked with such a short timeframe and basically the poor guy panicked. I said "Mischief, it's fine, don't worry - I also have a meeting to go. We're fine, don't worry"

And this was it.  I was a bit flushed by the end of the call, but to be honest I saw this coming and I cannot say I'm broken hearted. I get his motives, and I respect he prioritizes his family (trust me I do). If anything, I feel guilty for not doing the same, and I guess it's good that things are improving with husband. I am grateful that Mischief has seen me when I was still fat - this really boosted my self confidence which was in rugs at that time, and somehow it helped me losing weight.

I am also not ok, I dreamed about this, made plans and castles in the air, and now reality made me crush on earth, but it will be okay. I guess like all dreams it had to come to an end and I do not regret at all cornering him.

My next goals are:

- letting this very emotional day come to an end

- work on my relationship with husband

- work on my 6pack and drop the last 3kg

- incorporate certain exercises in my routine to improve strength in the right areas to be capable again of doing pull-ups

- keep up with what I'm doing at work, as I'm having my most successful year ever.

It's a lot but having goals is good. Let's start with item 1 on the list, I'll shoot a couple emails and sign off.

Song for this post: Don't cha by Pussycat Dolls

PS my belly piercing is healing nicely and did not give me any trouble at all!

As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen

The Tan

 Just as if I jinxed it by writing that Mischief was in touch on a daily basis, he disappeared. Since he's a psychopath about privacy and online presence, he set our whatsapp chat to delete messages after 7 days, which is something I hate as I'm the kind of person who religiously keeps old letters, messages etc.

The chat is now empty.

I know I had said I would not reach out, but eventually I wrote this morning "Stranger, did something happen?".

 

He was probably already sleeping by the time I texted (remember he's 9 hours behind, and I sent this after training at the gym), so we'll see. I know he was spending the 4th of July on his own and his wife was staying back in NY, so either they changed plans and stayed as well, or it's strange that he was on his own and has not reached out.

 

I know I should just let this go, and you know I won't. And the reason is simple. I am fairly confident he feels the same way I do. And I am very confident that neither of us will experience this again, considering we have not in more than 20 years. I do not want nor plan to wreck his or my life over this, but if I get a chance to enjoy this and see his a couple times a year, I will.

 

 

On a different note, I went to the lake for the weekend and managed to grab a quick coffee with my brother. I was wearing short jeans and a polo shirt and he was like "Sis, you look amazing! The tan! And I love your shorts, these clothes really suit you". This made my day.

 

I have an appointment with a piercer tonight. I don't think I'll go through, but let's see.

 

Weight wise: 61.8kg (136lbs) - BMI 21.4. Slow progress, but still progressing.

 

Song for this post: "Don't think of me" by Dido

Twist in my sobriety

 Once upon a time, this was a weight loss blog. At that time, I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now and I felt fat. This was 16 years ago.

This morning I had the dietician appointment and managed to hit 62kg (136.6lbs - BMI 21.5). I negotiated with him that I still want to drop 3 more kilos (6.5lbs) and have next appointment in one month. I guess I'm going to eat a lot of tomatoes :-) While this may sound strange, I'm happy, happy about how I look and feel, about how strong I am.

 

The dietician is an old physician and a bit of a flirt, the way old gentlemen from his area of Italy can be, and always showers me in compliments. He asked "Is your husband happy that you lost weight?" and I truthfully replied "No, doctor, he would like me fatter - but then again, he always liked boobs and ass on women". He laughed, I just shrugged.

 

S (husband) is unhappy at work. As a consequence of an acquisition, he had to renegotiate his agreement. They made him an offer and he went back asking twice, apparently (at least later on he said this to me) hoping they would reject the offer. They said fine, and now he's pissed again. Meanwhile I got him two other interviews, with my firm and another one. He was unsatisfied with both. The only thing he seems to be into these days is training at the gym.

 

I also am not in the list of things he's happy about. He's not happy about the fact I work too much, about how I dress, how I eat, the weight I lost, the way I look. We had sex last Sunday, for the first time in 30 days. Later I said I was going out shopping and he asked what I was looking for an I said I needed to get some underwear (I'm basically losing my panties after the weight loss) and he said "Oh, ok, just don't buy anything sexy". Ouch. I ended up buying a pair of short jeans that were pretty much what I would have worn at 17 - probably too much indeed, but EVERYONE who has seen me wearing them has complimented me (like even random people in shops). I may not be skinny but I've been training so much it shows. A bit of tan also helps - I mean I feel more comfortable in my body than I have for so many years, and I'm loving that.

 

I am considering a belly button piercing - I wanted one when I was young and never got around to it, and now I look decent again… Husband would be strongly against it so I haven't even told him. I think if I manage to hit 59 kg I'm going to do it, but we'll see. I may still change my mind (I'm a bit afraid of the healing, especially about going to the sea in late August).

 

I think what I'm trying to say is I still love S and still plan to spend the rest of my life with him, but I sometimes wonder if he will ever get out of this rut. He's been unhappy about work over the past two years (he changed one year ago and it was not a good choice) and I get that this affects his whole life, but after two years of bitching I just want my man back. I may be unfair but… I'm the one who's bringing home most money, and yet I'm the one who has to cook dinner every night, who has to manage the household and so on.

 

I am grateful that he never told me "You got fat" or "You look horrible". But these days, whenever I have to go somewhere for work, I feel like I'm escaping. I want to feel "seen", and I'm not getting this at home.

Song for this post: "Twist in my sobriety" by Tanita Tikaram

The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)

All my life on my head (don't want to think about it)

 It's been a bit of a rough week. First my computer died on me on Wednesday, and after arguing with IT (they initially offered to give me a new one on June 25....) for a couple hours, I managed to grab one at 6PM, with most of the updates yet to be done but at least I'm relatively autonomous at this - I still lost almost a full day of work, and this is the busiest season of the year...

On Thursday I had a client event in the evening at one of the rooftops with the best cathedral view in the city - just as I was about to leave the office with two colleagues who were also attending, a (difficult) client of mine called screaming and threatening to sue the firm. Long story short, legal department (not mine) has made a mistake in sharing information, and client now wants their heads on a tray. Which is not something I can offer. I apologized profusely, called legal and ask them to deal with the mess. Fast forward to Friday morning 7h30AM (after a relevant number of gin tonics on Thursday night I shall add) client was already calling me, screaming, even more enraged than the previous night. Among other things I heard "we're going to sue everyone in the firm" "we're going to drag you in the dirt" "we will destroy your reputation" and much more. I took about 20 minutes and then calmly said "Look, I do understand you are furious and rightly so, I apologize again and I'm trying to work to fix this. At the same time, you've been working with me for over a year, and you always noted how good and professional my team was. Now as much as I understand your position, please try and also see mine: it's another team and another partner that made a mistake, and I'm taking all your frustration". He calmed a little but reinstated he wants this to escalate.

It was not a great day.

Mischief called me that night (he needed more help with his investment thing) and could see I was not in a very good place, he was nice at listening to what happened and trying to cheer me and shared some gossip from the US firm. I stayed away from any conversation about meeting each other or anything about the two of us, I was not calm enough to have this kind of conversation. I have also kind of decided to try and not be the one who initiates conversations - not sure I'll be capable to respect this decision, we'll see. I should also mention: he looked incredibly good. I kind of wanted to eat him. I think he just got a haircut, and he was tan and oh my God I wanted him. (at least I think I also looked good, I have a bit of tan, had my hair straightened and was wearing a shirt same color as my eyes)

I'm spending the weekend at the lake, trying to get a tan and spending some time with my parents. I drove here this morning, I put the car top down and just drove by the lake in the warm air and that was by far the best hour of the week. I normally hate driving but it felt good.

Weight update: yesterday I woke at 62.5kg - 138 pounds - BMI 21.5. But I may have been a but dehydrated, it's been consistently reaching 100F and Thursday night event was open air so...

Song for this post: "Disturbia" by Rihanna

Ad a pic of Thursday night - my arms are still big but overall I was not unhappy with the look

A big question, followed by a big silence

 Today I turn 44, which sounds unreal. I had a party at home last Friday night, and I must say I really felt loved and surrounded by friends. I know, most of these relationships stem from work, but the fact that people who stopped working with me years ago are still friends I see and talk to often and that they show they still care is somehow reassuring.

(my mother in my young years and then my husband always told me I have no friends and I never managed not to be hurt from their assessment).

The party went on from 7PM to midnight when I basically told the last few people it was time for them to go home, considering the amount of alcohol consumed :-)

Sunday I suggested that maybe husband and I could spend an extra half an hour in bed for some fun and was clearly met with a "no it's late I have to go to the gym and then I want to work a bit before lunch". ooooookay.

The rest of the weekend was spent tiding up, going to the gym, having lunch outside and working a bit - and talking to Maria who at least is going through phases now, sometimes she's obsessive and crying but sometimes seems to be more tranquil - and this is a big improvement from crying 24/7. I suspect I will probably have to talk to her every day at least until mid August when she gets to Italy but it's ok as long as she's making some progress. I wish I could convince her to seek professional help but she flatly refuses.

Mischief is.... I don't even know what to say. I ended texting my question and well, a big question was met by a big silence I would say. Well, that's not even true, I explained about the SF thing which blew up and something crazy that happened with a client and  wrote:

Me: "question is: if I happen to be in the US this summer/autumn, do you want to see me?"

Mischief: "That's crazy stuff. Yes call you Friday"

Then he disappeared, texted some random stuff yesterday and disappeared again.

Honestly I don't know. There are moments when I think I shall just tell him hey, let's meet in NY in a couple of weeks (he'll be there) and moments when I think "what the hell Lucy? the guy does not want you". The first kind of moments usually happen when I'm high from vaping.

I hate it when I cannot read a situation but I'm not sure if I cannot read it, or to quote my brother, if he's just not that into me. May be I just do not want to acknowledge the latter, but on one thing I trust my gut: I have never felt so alive in the past 20 years as I have with him, and I feel the same is true for him.

Weight: still stuck at 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. But after the drinking, the pizza, the meat of the weekend, I consider it a success. Now I have two weeks ahead of restriction.

On a different note, I want to fully enjoy this summer. I want to travel a bit, to spend more time outdoor, to get as tan as possible (I am a huge user of SFP 50 don't worry). My friends from university were organizing to meet in Helsinki and I immediately said yes (then plans got postponed to next summer because the one who lives farther away (Bangkok) broke his feet but my point is until last year I would have said "sounds lovely but no thanks". Now that I feel good again, I want to live.

Song for this post: "Spending my time" Roxette

Interlude - Maria

Foreword: this post may be triggering - it is not about weight loss, but mental illness, depression, loss and death of a pet (not mine) are unfortunately the main topics. Please do not read it if you think it may harm or hurt you.

 Maria is my friend from the French years (though she's Italian). 

I do not write a lot about her, but I'm sure I mentioned her many years ago here.

Over the years, I let her down, and trust me, not because I'm jealous. It's simply difficult. Time seems to never be enough, and it's often not easy to talk to her. Sometimes she can spend two consecutive hours on the phone going obsessively through details of something that feels irrelevant, and not even ask "and how are you my friend?". Her depression comes and goes, but the lows are low. Time has not made things easier for her, quite the opposite. With her condition, it has become more and more difficult for her to hold on to a job, so she's often unemployed and money is tight. 

Over the years, many of her friends have left Lyon, where she still lives, and she has grown apart from others, so she's also a bit lonely.

Recently we had spoken a few times, she had suggested a French novel on friendship between women that I absolutely adored and just last weekend she had some plans to go to a Capoeira workshop in the Alps with some nice people. She sounded better and I was so happy to hear her like this.

Then on Monday I got a text from her sister who was panicking that something had happened and Maria was going nuts.

Basically Maria has had a cat over the last 8 years, Maya, who had become her emotional support. Maria's flatmate left a window opened, and Maya jumped out chasing a bird and crushed badly on the street 3 floors down. They took her to the vet but there was nothing they could do.

I spent most of this week on the phone with her crying desperately and saying she no longer wants to live. It's been tough - it still is. On Monday and Tuesday I was extremely concerned. While I still am, I do feel she's a tiny bit more stable now, but it's really painful being so helpless when someone you love is hurting so badly.

Short weight update: 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. Slowly but steadily in the right direction.

Song for this post: "Joining you" by Alanis Morrissette

I would stand in line for this

 "Interesting" was his reply. (I had texted him: "So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California" ) Then he added: 

"Lmk when you know" - followed by

"I'm on NY and India in jul"

I did not reply to this.

Meanwhile, since my life is never under control (and never was, let's face it), the situation has changed entirely:

- I will actually be in San Francisco again in late June for a few days, I probably won't in July

- I have been so busy I literally have not had the time and energy to even text Mischief, but interestingly he hasn't either.

My idea is to get him on the phone early next week, tell him about the SF and ask if he wants to see me or not. At this point I want to understand it, I'm not interested in being someone he chats with when he is bored if he chickens out when it's time to see each other.

This may sound aggressive, but I do not want bullshit. If he backs out, fine, I'll lick my wounds and move forward.

Weight-wise, I am exactly where I was at the last post, despite training like crazy. Still better than a gain though.

On a completely different note, I got tickets for a big Anyma show. If you've never heard of him, check out the Sphere show he did last year.

Song for this post: "Extreme ways" by Moby (one of the songs that keeps coming back into my life as decades go by)

Cliffhanger

 It's a long weekend down here as Monday and Tuesday we have bank holiday.

The heat wave is incredible, given it's not even June, but I'm not complaining. I'm at the stage is life where I realize the number of summers I have ahead of me is finite. I love the long days, I usually wake upd before 6AM and I love that it's not dark.

Weight update: 65.1kg or 143.5lbs - BMI: 22.5.

Not where I want to be of course but at least it's progress.

Tomorrow we booked a day at a new SPA with lots of outdoor space and water, I really hope to tan a little, as I'm still pale and I love being tan. I'll use sunscreen don't worry! But I really love laying in the sun. We could not go to the seaside for the weekend, so I'm happy at least we're doing this.

Jay update: first of all, from now on (and backwards) let's change his name to Mischief.

After a couple days of internal debate (during which Mischief texted me frequently) I finally dropped a bomb text today (I assume he's still sleeping given time difference). It says:

"So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California"

Admittedly I'm kind of scared to see how he will react, as this will define a lot about the future of this dream I guess. I mean, this can literally be the end of it, but it has to be I'd rather end it now than spending 6 months watching it fade away.

Also I kind of hate when I give myself this kind of cliffhanger but it is what it is.