a difficult post

 My grandmother is dying. Well, we all are, technically speaking, but she has stopped eating a few days ago, and she's sleeping all the time now. Christmas was a mistake - her sister and her daughter (my mom) really wanted to be with her, so we picked her up for the small family lunch we had organized (grannie, her sister Aunt P, my parents, myself and Huband - Bro was in Germany at his inlaws), The whole Group hasv got 3 anticovid shots, and Husband and I had tested negative (just in case).

On the 24th Mom and I were supposed to do the usual: prepare fresh pasta dough, make it in sheets, cook it and prepare lasagna. Mom was late so I got started - by the time she came in, she was exhausted - she had been at Granni's to shower her, and right after being showered and dressed, Grannie puked all over herself and the couch, and as soon as she was cleaned and changed again, she needed to pee but didn't make it in time. I tried to lighten up the atmosphere and I think I did succeed to some extent.

On Christmas morning, when we picked Granny from her place, she did not recognize me (nor did she afterwards) - until last week, she knew me, and I it as a bad sign.

She did not eat of course, and spent the grand 90 minutes she was at my parents sleeping on the couch and puking from time to time - she didn't even say a word to Aunt P or my mom, and frankly speaking that's the hardest part.

When she said she wanted to go home, my dad and I walked her to the car (some 30 meters from the living room, no steps), but at some point she was too tired and let herself slip. Luckily we were quite ready and caught her (at the expense of my knee... more later). We made it to the car, and asked Husband to come with us - luckily he's a big guy, tall and strong, because the only thing we could think of, to bring her up to her place (she has stairs) was to bring down a chair, move her from the car to the chair and carry the chair and herself upstairs, which was quite a nightmare.

The worst part is that my mom and Aunt P are really suffering through this. It does not make any sense for me to stay at Granny as she does not want me there - since she no longer knows who I am, it stresses her to have strangers around. And I don't really know what to do to help my mom, besides talking to her. Well, she was very grateful with the new Ipad we got her for Xmas, and I did download her movies and a couple of books on Audible to help her pass time when she's at Granny's place (Granny's sleeping all the time, so..) but that's not much really to do but to wait for the end.

I also felt for Husband, who lost his mom over last year Boxing Day, and I was hoping to offer him a more cheerful break this year, but it is what it is.

On a different note, I went to see the doctor today, and his comment was that my knee's quite fucked up and no miracles can be expected. He said the damage goes well beyond the meniscus, and it looks like the rotula's partly compromised. In any case he game me a shot of steroids and I'll be back for more infiltrations of hyaluronic acid. Worst part is he ordered I stop for a while any kind of training including the elliptical machine, on which I've been spending 5 hours a week. Shit.

So, apologies for the depressing post. Really looking forward to Maldives in 10 days, provided we manage to avoid Covid (75% of my coworkers either have it or are quarantined for close contacts.... no shit)

a selfish post

 While pretty much everyone's on vacation, I decided to stay in the city and catch up with a couple of projects where the managers are home sick with Covid. I'm down of three resources in my team due to Covid - and each of them had been vaccinated with two shots in summer.

Fuck.

I'm getting my third dose next Sunday, and I've been careful and managed to avoid covid sofar. But I'm overwhelmed with work, having to step in for those colleagues. In addition, other assholes are seriously underperforming, which results in more and more time to review.

I've tried to increase my training, and while I do see a difference (meaning that I manage to increase my time and resistance on the elliptical machine), yesterday I managed to walk around with a too dried-skin on my feet that resulted in a long cut that now hurts. Shit.

I really hope we're not going into another lock-down - trip to Maldives is lined up for January 6, and both Husband and I are really looking forward to it. Fingers crossed.

Check-up

 Can you please step on the scale?

When I booked the check-up, I knew this was going to happen. And frankly speaking, the clinic scale was kind to me, indicating 1.2kg less than my home scale (2.6lbs)

170cm and 73kg

I stay quiet. I mean, it wasn't a question, it's a statement, so I don't think an answer is needed

Have you experienced any weight gain?

Ah, yes, I had a knee surgery two years ago, and then the lockdowns, and I gained 15 kilos (33lbs my dear American friends). I lost a couple in August and September when I finally started training again, but my knee discus tore again a month and a half ago.

And before your knee accident, did you experience weight swings? Were you ever on a diet?

Uh, no, not really (mind your fucking business)

Any eating issues? 

Nope (mind your business bitch - do you really think I'm going to spill it all over here? This check-up is work sponsored you idiot - I'm not that dumb). 

Yes Doctor - I know I've put on weight and I'm trying to find new forms of training that are respectful of my knee. I'm doing elliptical now, but I used to run a lot in the past. I know I'm a bit overweight and I'm concerned for the impact on my back and on my knee.

Yes, you must lose 10kg

Ok I understand (first of all: I have to lose at least 15, bitch. Second - I hate you and I know what you are going to say)

So you should eat fish or chicken

I'd rather fast than eating those Too late I realize this has slipped out of my mouth. My disgust for fish and chicken is too strong to hide

Ah, but you need to eat fish or meat at lunch, with a side of vegetables, and then fruit. And the blah blah blah blah blah

My thoughts wonder, while I nod furiously and make promises.

This was fucking humiliating

Once upon a time

 Aunt Piera made it so far, and was sent home last weekend. I spent the last two weekends at my parents' place, as Mom (the Panther) really needed some rest and someone to step up on her behalf.

I was VERY happy to see Aunt back, although I must admit she is so much more fragile (I know it sounds absurd as you will tell me the woman was 94 even before her heart attack, but trust me - she was not fragile). It's not just a psychological matter: she cannot hurry or make efforts as she gets angina if she does. On Saturday night, after she spent the day at my parents' place (she had had her third covid shot in the morning) I was walking her to the car as she wanted me to drive her home, and she missed a step. I was kinda expecting this, as my Grandma (her sister) always misses the same step, so I was holding her and she did not fall at all, but she got a bit scared and she immediately had a bit of angina.

Meanwhile Grandmother is less and less lucid and aware - most of the time it's like she'd rather be left alone than having someone talking with her. While I try and understand this, it is very hard for her sister (Aunt P) and her daughter (my Mom).

On Sunday morning Aunt P came over for lunch, and we talked a bit just the two of us, about how much she still misses her husband (who passed 30 years ago), and how they always cared for each other. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 16, and not one year later he went rogue as his older brothers were called to war and they all ran away, so they all spent 2 years in the mountains as partisans. They were not driven by high ideologies, politics, or anything really, except for one strong drive: staying alive. --he would write postcards to his young fiancée, and sometimes she would hike up the mountain to bring him a basket of food.

Later on, while I was driving back to the city, I thought about how skinny and unhappy I was in all those years back from when B left me, until I started dating Husband. How I felt alone, lonely, and how I had gotten used to being sad and hurting.

And yet, Husband deserves more - he started dating a skinny girl, married a normal one, and now has a fat wife.

And I deserve more.

So it's probably time I do something about this - after all, I'll never go back to running again, so it's time to restrict.

Family shenanigans

 I started this post a few times already, and then cancelled it. I guess I'll try again.

Grandma is more and more volatile these days (she's 98 and in good health, but her memory is getting more and more fragile). She started sleeping most of the time, and has suddenly reduced significantly her food intake (which is a polite way to say that until 2 weeks ago she ate like a pig, and now she eats like a picky anorexic). We initially blamed this on a temporary effect from her third dose of vax, but it did not change.

Her sister, Aunt P, is really like another grandmother to my family: the two sisters were always close, Aunt P and her late husband did not have kids and she's always been very much involved with us. I remember that when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with Aunt P and her husband (as I did not attend kindergarden) and I remember going to ski with them, and even a vacation in Austria. They were such a cool couple!

Uncle passed away at 64, almost 30 years ago and our relationship with Aunt P was even reinforced while, as she grew old, she relied more and more on us being the only family left she had.

On Sunday I received a call from mom who was crying and sobbing loud. It took me a few minutes to understand that Aunt P, who is now 94, had had a heart attack. I was 3 hours drive away and sped home as fast as I could. Poor Aunt was home alone, and although by the time I got there she was already at the hospital in ICU, her house was a mess. The poor woman had tried to crawl to the phone but was not able to place a call - in the process, she had thrown up all over the place.

I helped my mom cleaning up the mess and regaining a bit of composure, and by the time I drove back to the city it was almost early morning.

She made it, but she was scheduled for another coronary angiography last night... which she refused. Dad, who's a cardiologist, says she's gonna have another heart attack unless she undergoes the procedure. 

Meanwhile, my grandmother keeps trying to phone her sister and complains she's never home - we've told grandma several times about the accident, but she simply forgets. And even worse, we all believe that her relationship with her sister is one of the things that makes her hold on, and missing her probably does not help.

Ah whatever, I foresee a difficult month ahead.