Keith

Keith got married last weekend (finally, considering he's turning 44 next week).

I would have thought this would finally make everyone at peace with the fact that we never ended together, but apparently his parents never really stopped hoping (quite weird considering how everyone seems to believe I have the most rock solid marriage).

Year ago I probably would have spent hours agonizing over the "things could have been different". Now I believe that I have reached a sufficient mindfulness/inner peace not to fret over what could or could not have happened differently.

Good luck Keith - I am sorry we lost touch, but we've been living in different countries for 8 years and this kind of shit happens. I still care for you, and I truly wish you all the best.

I never fell for the super nice or truly good guys, but that is what you've always been and I always did give you credit for that, even when I was an idiotic teenager.

Stuck into the rut

I gained even more. I woke up at 125.8 this morning. I felt numb.

Weight loss competition, huh? Mother spent the weekend criticizing each piece of my wardrobe always saying I’m too fat or that I need a bigger size (which is exactly the same).

Thanx Mother, it’s always nice to feel loved.

So I binged like a mad cow yesterday. Very reasonable, huh?

I’m sticking to fruits and raw veggies until Friday night (and coffee of course, but since I have it unsweetened, that doesn’t add up). I need to get back in control, just like I was in July.

The thing is, work has been really depressing lately. Mother keeps making sneaky comments. Keith, my eldest bro, moved back to our country, and is so busy screwing his girlfriend he hasn’t yet found time to see me. Steve is away and keeps putting pressure on me because he’s miserable and wants me to move to London (which is simply not going to happen because I can’t and don’t want to move abroad anymore).

I need to hit the gym harder, to fast, to feel I’m in control. Also, I need to clean up my place, I started last night (after bingeing). I need to seriously think about work: what am I going to do? Keep up with this, or look for something else (no clue what I could do other than this by the way)?

I need to see a skinny bitch staring back at me when I look into the mirror.

Goodbye Keith

Keith left a couple of hours ago. Going back to Maldives.

For those who are new, Keith is my eldest brother, who I love and who currently lives in Maldives. He only comes home twice per year, for a couple of weeks.

I wanted so hard to be thin for him. So that we could go swimming together and he could carry me out of the water, like he did when I was skinny and we would go on vacation together.

I'm sorry, Keith. My failure didn't matter.

I didn't even get to see him, because I couldn't go home. I was working the whole time, and I'm 800km from home.

I miss you Keith. More than I can tell you on the phone. We were never good at talking, we're better at hanging out.

I'll do my best, oh brother I will. Hopefully, by this time next year, you'll be living at home. And we'll go swimming at night, tipsy and everything. And I'll be thin, I promise. I'll be your mermaid.

Just do forgive me please.

Keith. Whale versus mermaid

It keeps raining and raining.
Completely unusual for this place, this time of the year. I should be spending my weekends laying in sun by the lake, sipping white wine chez the neighbor, skinny dipping with my brothers at night.

Instead, I listen to U2’s Electrical storm.

On rainy days we’d go swimming out, on rainy days swimming in the sound, on rainy days we’d go swimming out..

Not yet warm enought to swim.

My eldest bro, Keith, is not really my brother. He’s Bro’s best friend, has been forever, and I call him brother and he calls me little sister. Has been this way forever.
When I was young and skinny, we would go on vacation together. The summer I turned 18, the three of us (Keith, Bro and I) spent the whole summer travelling through Austria, Switzerland and Germany. We would camp by lakes and go swimming at every time. We drank a lot.

Many, many times, Keith carried me out of the water like this.

Mostly at night time, when we would go back to our tent.
Keith moved to Maldives almost 2 years ago. He’s home now for a short while, then he’ll leave again. I miss him a lot.

Bro loves me, I love him, I’m closer to Bro, but Keith understands better my wilderness, my failures, my problems.

I’ll see Keith in two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, there is no romance between us.
But how can I go swimming with him when I’m so fat?
How can I expect him to carry me out of the water?
How can I expect him to even care about me?

I’m at 124.6 lbs. Gross. I had actually fasted for 30 hours (only drank unsweetened espresso and water), and then ate one whole pizza last night. I feel more like a whale than like a mermaid.

Coffee is cold, but it'll get you through:
Compromise, that's nothing new to you

Coffee is always my solution. As if I wasn’t already fucking sleepless.

Forgive me Keith. Please, try and love me anyways. Time with you is too precious to be wasted. I can’t tell you how obsessed with food I am. Please believe I’m fine. I just want everything to be the same as ten years ago.