Safe in my own skin?

After Dubai, it was one week in Montecarlo.
Same client, who operates restaurants and night venues. Never seen so many Ferraris and Lambos in my life.
It was like the world was spinning and it was mostly populated by supercars, diaphane hookers, musicians and singers dressed like the 70s were now, dwarves (yes, dwarves), shishas, 30 liters bottles of Dom Perignon. And in the morning at their offices trying to figure the business, while my head experienced troubles addying 2 and 2.

Carrying around 10/15kg more than all the other girls tends to be depressing. I don't care that most of the girls were hookers, that is not the point. And in the end, how different are we?
I don't have sex with clients, but truly I still have to make them feel successful, smart, powerful and brave. I sell them my skills and knowledge in principle, but practically I sell my time. My time away from home, away from what I care.

The saddest part is that I am totally aware that I'll have to work all my life, and I'm also aware this work/life balance is unsustainable even in the short term. I can no longer manage it, blame it on the age, on the responsibilities it doesn't matter. I just can no longer manage it.

And I tried, I tried quitting, I tried working in a corporate and where did it lead me? If fucked up my mind in first place, and the other consequences, the real ones are/were unspeakeable. Vivien is dead and there is no going back, and I'd rather not even considering that kind of adventure again.

The day came

The day came, when my dad who, bless him, looks like he was just released from Auschwitz and never reached 140 pounds in his life, told me "do you mind if I prescribe you a diet?". He's a doctor by the way. Said my knees and back are too weak for my weight.
Lost 3kg (about 7 or 8 pounds) In one week with his diet. It's supposed to last 60 days. (It basically consist in fasting).


2 weeks ago one of the senior partners joined a meeting with a client that I was conducting. Videoconference. E stepped into the room I was in and the client (friend of his) said "sit down or we only see your cock" and he answered "this way I'm the right height for Lucia". This morning, after two weeks of avoiding direct confrontation, he cornered me and asked me what was the matter.  Why was I avoiding him.

Tonight I had drinks with my former colleagues, from the firm Vivien worked for. CAN'T THEY SEE ONE PERSON IS MISSING AT THE TABLE?
of course I did not follow the diet, but I puked halfway through and as soon as I came home. Husband's away for  work.

Overall good week from an emotional stand point.

Oh, need to set my alarm at 5h30 cause tomorrow is bank holiday but I need to work. Fuck me. Maybe when they call me a blower right into my face they are right after all.

too late for revenge

Dear Vivien,
so they fired the asshole CEO who made you miserable.
The same one who wouldn't look me in the eye at your funeral.

But it's too late, ain't it?

It's not even revenge, after all, he's retiring as a millionaire, and I don't care.

Maybe, at least, things will improve for those who stayed in the company.

My friend, it's been 5 months and the worst part is there is noone I can talk to about you.

Today I'd rather remember you the way you were,
I'd rather think you still live
Today I will think you are still listening to my ramblings and smile back at me