There's an old voice in my head, it's my ED talking to me it says it missed our little talks

I don't like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear
The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake
It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even trust myself
It's killing me to see you this way

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
I tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will all be over, buried with our past
You used to play outside when you were young
Full of life and full of love

Some days I don't know if I am wrong and I am right
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Don't listen to a word I say
The screams all sound the same

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore 

Go, go, go away
I wish you'd disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go, me against you
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I see you when I fall asleep

Don't listen to a word I say
The screams all sound the same 

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore  


As always, in my dreams I'm still skinny, just like I used to be.

In the rut

Allergie are killing me. I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't stay away, I just keep coughing.

131.2lbs
BMI: 20.8

disgusting.
Even the dietologist is unhappy with me.
I am most unhappy with myself.

Can I go to sleep and wake up in three months? please?

I need to stop eating.

In the rut

Every morning

When I wake up yawning

I’m still far away …

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

It’s just too far away?

Girl you’re home,

You’re dreaming don’t you know

You’re digging your own grave?

I’m in a rut.

This morning I stepped on the scale… 124.8lbs. That’s 56.6 kg for kg-thinkers like me.

I felt tears streaming on my face, and quickly wiped them as I was Steve wearing his contacts. While we walked to work, he kept inquiring on why I was so quiet and sad. I said I was a bit unhappy but that it wasn’t related to him. He kept bugging me until I exploded.

“I’m fucking fat. I’m getting close to 57, you have NO CLUE of what sacrifices I’ll have to go through to get rid of it, and stop saying I look good because I FUCKING HATE myself. I haven’t been at the gym in TWO weeks. I haven’t eaten a single healthy meal in 10 days. The house is a freaking mess and it’s dirty, and I’m running out of clean clothes for work. I’ve been working over 14 hours every day over the last 12 consecutive days. I CAN’T GO ON LIKE THAT”.

It’s unfair. He’s working almost as hard as I am, and since he moved in, I know he does help at home. But the truth is that living alone is easier, I just don’t keep food at home, avoid eating out, shower at the gym, so I even have less cleaning to do.

I love Steve, I just need to work less. Also, things aren’t going well at work, so I’m constantly depressed.

Steve is moving to London on October 22. On the same day, I’ll leave with dad, heading to Nepal, where I’ll trek up the Khumbu valley all the way to Everest base camp. Hopefully I’ll drop weight while trekking. In the meanwhile, I need a fast so badly, but I feel so weak (I’m running a slight temperature at least once a week) I can’t face the idea of fasting.

Since I’m on the pill, I cannot purge either.