the end of Mischief

 Me: Mischief, can you find 5 minutes to talk?

Mischief: sure call me tomorrow - I'll be in the car 8AM to 8h30 

That was yesterday. My last ancestor passed on Sunday, she was my grandmother's sister but we always treated her like a grandmother and she was extremely close to my mother. She was 99 and she died weighting less than 55lbs (25kg). The poor woman had shrank to almost nothing.

The funeral was this morning so I went to the lake and even gave a speech at the funeral - I think this really made my mother happy, so at least there's that. Husband was super nice and drove with me. I admit I wasn't very emotional - to be honest, I have already grieved her, I know it sounds bad but I realized that this is how it works with me when people lose their minds. Also I believe in being there for people when they are alive, rather than at their funeral - but still, all went well.

We drove back and I admit I escaped to the office since husband was working from home. I did not want to be mean, but I thought it was time to close things with Mischief and I could not possibly do this while I was sitting in the same room with S.

So I called, he did not pick up but called back in a couple minutes. Small chatted for like 15 minutes, told me a lot about his plans, his upcoming vacation, business etc. When he asked me about my travel plans I said the reason I wanted to talk to him is I am figuring out whether to push or not to attend certain US meetings. I said

"I figured you did not want to see me two weeks ago when I was in NY so I did not call or ask, you were with your family and it would not have been a good idea."

and he was like "wait you were in NY? when?"

I said "July 1st and 2nd. I sent you a picture"

"Oh I did not realize you were there. I would have wanted to see you but you are probably right"

I said "Look it's fine but honestly - I want to see you but at this point, I need to understand if you do want to see me or not. For the sake of clarity, I would never try to mess up with your life or your family, but I know what I want. I believe we can work this out but in the end I need to know if you want it"

I knew this was not going well. He stayed quiet and then said "I do not think it's a good idea to see each other. I want to but I don't think we can handle this".

I said "Fine. I understand. I do not agree but I understand"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I would want to see, I do not want or wish anything crazy but I feel like I'm 17 when I'm with you and I think it's the same for you and this is not going to happen to me again, but I understand your motives so it's fine."

And then he was like "Wait so we're not friends anymore? You're like not gonna talk to me again?"

I said "Mischief, when have I ever not talked to you?" (inside my mind I was like what are you, 15 years old?)

He rumbled a bit more about how he wants to see me but thinks this is too difficult to manage and so on, and then thanks God he said he had a meeting and he had not realized I wanted to have this kind of conversation or else he would not have talked with such a short timeframe and basically the poor guy panicked. I said "Mischief, it's fine, don't worry - I also have a meeting to go. We're fine, don't worry"

And this was it.  I was a bit flushed by the end of the call, but to be honest I saw this coming and I cannot say I'm broken hearted. I get his motives, and I respect he prioritizes his family (trust me I do). If anything, I feel guilty for not doing the same, and I guess it's good that things are improving with husband. I am grateful that Mischief has seen me when I was still fat - this really boosted my self confidence which was in rugs at that time, and somehow it helped me losing weight.

I am also not ok, I dreamed about this, made plans and castles in the air, and now reality made me crush on earth, but it will be okay. I guess like all dreams it had to come to an end and I do not regret at all cornering him.

My next goals are:

- letting this very emotional day come to an end

- work on my relationship with husband

- work on my 6pack and drop the last 3kg

- incorporate certain exercises in my routine to improve strength in the right areas to be capable again of doing pull-ups

- keep up with what I'm doing at work, as I'm having my most successful year ever.

It's a lot but having goals is good. Let's start with item 1 on the list, I'll shoot a couple emails and sign off.

Song for this post: Don't cha by Pussycat Dolls

PS my belly piercing is healing nicely and did not give me any trouble at all!

The Tan

 Just as if I jinxed it by writing that Mischief was in touch on a daily basis, he disappeared. Since he's a psychopath about privacy and online presence, he set our whatsapp chat to delete messages after 7 days, which is something I hate as I'm the kind of person who religiously keeps old letters, messages etc.

The chat is now empty.

I know I had said I would not reach out, but eventually I wrote this morning "Stranger, did something happen?".

 

He was probably already sleeping by the time I texted (remember he's 9 hours behind, and I sent this after training at the gym), so we'll see. I know he was spending the 4th of July on his own and his wife was staying back in NY, so either they changed plans and stayed as well, or it's strange that he was on his own and has not reached out.

 

I know I should just let this go, and you know I won't. And the reason is simple. I am fairly confident he feels the same way I do. And I am very confident that neither of us will experience this again, considering we have not in more than 20 years. I do not want nor plan to wreck his or my life over this, but if I get a chance to enjoy this and see his a couple times a year, I will.

 

 

On a different note, I went to the lake for the weekend and managed to grab a quick coffee with my brother. I was wearing short jeans and a polo shirt and he was like "Sis, you look amazing! The tan! And I love your shorts, these clothes really suit you". This made my day.

 

I have an appointment with a piercer tonight. I don't think I'll go through, but let's see.

 

Weight wise: 61.8kg (136lbs) - BMI 21.4. Slow progress, but still progressing.

 

Song for this post: "Don't think of me" by Dido

The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)

Mountain View part II and more horrors

 The four of us went to a beautiful (but strange) place called Rosewood Sand Hill in Palo Alto. The bar was classy, but a hybrid thing where everyone was standing but no one danced, which apparently is normal in California but for the two Europeans in the group was weird?

Anyways the night quickly took off, company was great. After a first bottle of Dom Perigno (fort of 4 and admittedly I generously contributed to the emptying of the bottles) and a few Negronis, At some point the guys started talking sports and I waltzed my way towards two Israeli girls who were clearly looking for a distraction (read: they were wearing very deep a neck blouses and very red lipsticks) and made friends with them, they were super fun and told me how the ate mothers, bored with their life and so on and they were super nice. 

That is until Alex, started screaming at me “Lucy stop talking to hookers and come back here”. 

I saw red - turned to Mischief who looked horrified and hissed at him “Seriously? Those are not hookers Mischief. The one that has been sitting closer and closer to you is though”.

Somehow Mischief managed to be gracious enough to fix things, inviting Sara and Dvora to have a glass with us.

Much later, after the ladies left, the real hooker came to talk to me and slipped a hand under my shirt “your boobs are so beautiful “ she said. She was very drunk and older than I expected and I think she was really looking for an easy job. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and gently told her Thank you but I was not into it. She desisted and went her way. I turned and my friends were.. speechless…

By then most of the people had left, our tab was amounting to $2,500 (seriously everything in the US is overpriced) and I made my way to the restroom. 

Did I wait to check if I could hear footsteps following me? I did, out of curiosity really. No one followed me. 

When I came back the Americans started talking about how they are scared of divorcing and I was puzzled. Mischief especially was serious and I was like why if you don’t fuck around why would you divorce I mean your wife is a stay at home mom, why would she leave you? And that’s where he started complaining she never wants to have sex and I said wait, you do use lubricant right? Once again everyone was speechless (apparently no they did not). I was baffled and said guys your wives are no longer 20, they just don’t get that wet, lube is your best friend just don’t make a big deal of it! It’s a few bucks per pack and makes your sex life so much more enjoyable!

We also spent a long time talking how it's different to do business in the US vs Europe and how it's different for men and women - I would never go to a dinner alone with a male client in Milan, although I may do it if we were both travelling (I would still prefer to be more than 2 people). Europe is flexing towards business lunch these days... but reality is that it's easier for men (clients are 99% men so apologies if I sound biased).

The night started slowing down after that and eventually we made it back to the hotel at 2am with the usual promises of everlasting friendship (Alex was too drunk for those and anyways..) Mischief and I were on the top floor at the hotel and again I thought he was giving me the eye when he said goodnight out of my room but I did my best to casually say Nite and thanks I had a great night and quicklyake it into my room to avoid any confusion.

The next day was the last. Alex never showed up at the training, I felt fine, Carlos had a bad headache and I proceeded teasing Mischief saying that if his wife was going to see the bar bill he would be divorced in no time under the accusation of having paid strippers and we had a good laugh. Mischief hugged me goodbye a little longer and a little closer than Carlos did but it felt good and off I went back to Europe.

I came home to find that I was still 72kg (159lbs). The week later I was in Amsterdam where they filmed me for the interview where I look like a whale and it was hard. 

I should also mention that over the past four years I have not been good. As part of the overall horrible body situation, I got never-ending periods (at the worst point over one summer I experienced 70 days of bleeding, 10 days off, followed by 45 more days bleeding) with huge back pains and smarting joints. This has not helped with the weight, with my feelings towards my body (and with our sex life tbh). I have seen several different doctors who always told me it was normal and to just deal with it. Back in September I tried a new doctor who finally listened to me and immediately put me on different meds that almost stopped the bleeding, and then prescribed some more analyses. I got some results before Mountain View and they basically found a tumor but did not know what kind in my womb, so I had to do two biopsies right after Mountain View and before the Netherlands. I was seriously depressed, although because I've been through horrible years that could have been dealt with. Doctors told me in any case I shall probably have my womb removed. No cliffhangers here, I got all the biopsies done and it turned out to be a benign thing, and eventually my doctor said that I should not undergo surgery for the time being, continue the meds (bleeding has now completely stopped and I am immensely grateful) and keep the thing monitored once a year through a scan. I also got positive feedback on dealing it this way from my Brother (who's a doctor).

To add more horrors, my mom (the Panther) got a knee replaced while I was in the US, replunged in her anorexia and stopped eating. Of course she got anemic and they would not release her from the hospital, and then she escaped and went home. On the day after my biopsies I drove to my parents place and spent two days cooking stuff and freezing or putting it under vacuum so they would have food while she was using crutches. In exchange I got a lot of sneaky remarks on how fat I am.

My mom is still eating very little and is now 44kg (97lbs) and ecstatic about this.

Husband meanwhile has been there although it sometimes seems like we share a house. I mean, he has not initiated sex in years, and after the bleeding stopped back at the end of September I've tried to make this somehow more frequent but... it's a bit embarrassing to always be the one that starts things you know? He's having a hard time at work (but he's been bitching about it over the past two years), and I often feel he really resents that I've achieved a better career than he has over the past 3 years (it was always the opposite way around previously). I'm not trying to justify anything, this is just how things are. I certainly still love him and I'm invested in our relationship, although this will sound phony in the next post, please do believe me.

The thing is I've been travelling a lot and you may remember from the past some of his "lapses", when I would be away for work and he would get wasted and high and end up with a broken arm, a twisted foot, black eyes or this kind of things. This year it's easier for me because now two (beloved) nieces moved to Milan and always hang out at our place and I've been basically blackmailing them to come over to our apartment as much as possible when I'm away (it was my friend Matt who suggested this genius strategy). I had almost always worked, just last week there was a minor episode where I think he fell coming home but nothing dramatic.

Meanwhile, Mischief set up a chat with me and Carlos and we kept texting....

Song for this post: Chandelier, by Sia

(forgive typos, most of this long post was typed on my iphone and my nails are too long)

Guess who’s back?

 Do I deserve your attention? Certainly not but you all know why ai am back.

Ok you do not know the exact trigger (but you already figured the situation) so let me share this.

In February I went on a work trip to the US and it was very interesting and also fun. I met some colleagues from other countries and even thought one fancied me. This is just to record I thought this, of course I didn’t care but I thought he was giving me the eye.

The week after that I had another work event in Europe and I was filmed for an interview. They shared the final cut today.

I look like a sea lion perched on a stool.

I shall also add that the interview was not at my peak weight which was 80kg last year (I dropped 6kg before the interview and 4 more since).

I have no idea how I thought anyone could possibly fancy me.

I am fucking horrified. My mother, bless her, is right. She, incidentally, has lost further weight after a knee surgery and is now 45kg.

The worst part is you wouldn’t believe how much training I am doing.

At this point t I shall just stop eating but I also thought it was time to come back to the place that always helped me. 

I missed you lovelies

A long December

 One more drink he said,

and baby you got me tripping

though we're face to face

'bout to do it again, again, again and again

One more drink she said

I think I'm losing my head now

tonight we'll make

bad memories

(Meduza, Bad memories)

Last night there was the annual Christmas party, and no I did not attend. I have 0 intentions to attend a no-mask event with 2500+ people bumping into each other - meaning, I have 0 intentions to spoend Christmas break with covid.

Additionally, more than half of my time feels the same way about it, and this is lucky for me (as the only thing nearly as bad as getting covid would be having half of the team down with covid and needing to cover for them, which already happened in the past..)

Besides that, things are mostly okay, although we finally had to put down the black cat at my parents' place (the one who lived with us in 2020 during the lock downs). He had cancer and had gotten to a point that he was suffering so it was the right thing to do - yet a sad affair. That cat gave a lot of emotional support to husband when his dad passed during the first lock down in spring 2020. We will always remember him fondly.

Loki instead is doing well, growing up (I think he's going to be a big cat, my boy!). He's a very loyal cat, always running to me whenever I come home, wanting to be petted for a while, purring and so on. We're trying to potty-train him and, although it's a slow process, I think it's going well - we also spent two days with him at my parents' place and two at my sister in law's last week, and he behaved super well.

Blogging has been slow as I have a lot going on but it's some work related matters I can't really write about so, it is what it is. I'm confident there'll e enough family drama over Christmas to make for a good post or two :-)

Wake up call

 This was an accident,

not the kind where sirens sound

never even noticed

we're suddenly crumbling

(show me love, t.A.T.u.)

While we were planning a summer roadtrip that involves visiting some top French wine caves in the Burgundy region, chateaux, middle age towns, kayaking down the Ardèche canyon and relaxing by Lake Annecy, driving around lazily, and then...

Husband suddenly proposed to do a week of diet retreat. He actually sent me the link of a sick place where instead of giving you food they give you an IV with fluids and nutrients. (for the modest price of fucking 5k Euros per person, per week).

Besides the obvious fact that I'd rather shut myself in at home without food for a week rather than flushing money down the toilet like this, the simple think he is considering this kind of plan triggers some huge warnings.

I need to lose weight ASAP. Let' face it - my parents can barely look me in the eyes and are basically ashamed of being around with me. Husband enquires about sick places that are meant for old rich fat people that wannabe anorexic. Do I need any more suggestions?

When T.A.T.U. were famous, no one ever focused much on Lena Katina, even though she was the real voice of the duo. She was probably a normal weight, but she was the fat one of the duo and eye were all over skinny Julia Volkova, the hot skinny bitch.

Surprise!

 Last Thursday evening, there was the leaving party of one of my work lieutenants, and as you can imagine I drank a bit too much - not awfully so, but wine was not top quality and thanks to my allergies I woke up in the morning to find some bumps on my face (that luckily disappeared well before noon).

On Friday evening, there was Husband's work summer party. I almost bailed, as I was really tired, but then, it was really close to my office so at 7h30PM I signed off and decided to stop by to say hi to a few friends. And luckily I did...

... because it was actually a surprise birthday party for me!

(yes, truly yours is turning 40 this week)

I always wanted a surprise birthday party.. and never had one before! Husband pulled together a surprising number of people (supported by Matt, my work best friend) and I was truly moved by the fact that some actually drove from far to attend, especially on a very warm Friday night.

In short.. it was awesome, and I really felt loved!

Coming soon on "Waiting for the Miracle": my 16yo nephew temporarily moved in with us as today he's starting his summer internship!

tired

 Things are mostly okayish.

I'm working so hard I don't really have time to feel tired. I almost freaked out during the 3 days in Corfù with Mom - she has become so high maintenance... and sometimes I cannot stand her way of being tight with money. I'm not a big money waster frankly, but I do not see the point in saving 50 Euros if it means taking a bus with no AC that will take 2 hours (plus one extra waiting hours) when I can afford an Uber that will make me save 2 hours and a half. Time has become precious.

These days, I'm usually waking up around 5h30 in the morning (though my alarm is set at 6). I manage emails received overnight, water all the plants (I really have many, and since weather is so warm where I live, this takes some time), tidy up a bit the house and by 6 I'm back in bed with breakfast for myself and Husband. 30 minutes and we get up, we get ready and by 6.50 I'm in the gym. by 7h40 I'm back but I cannot seem to manage showering, untangling my hair and getting ready in less than 40 minutes (Lord knows I tried). This mean I'm not at work before 8h45, and then.... it's work until 8h30 PM these days, run home, eat a bite, manage some more work emails and go to bed.

It would be okay honestly, except that I'm spending also 5 to 10 hours working in weekends. Weekends are spent working, at the gym, sleeping, cleaning the hamster tank and fixing food, eating and drinking.

Luckily, busy season will relent in a month or so.

Weight wise, I usually lose 2.5kg from Monday morning to Friday morning (c.5.5lbs) and gain back most of it over the weekend

a conversation with the Panther

 The trip to Florida is in a week, and then in May I have a work event in Barcelona and my sister in law wedding.

I needed a dress that fit and the Panther (mom) needed a break from her daily shenanigans, so she came to Milan last Friday. We went to see an exhibition featuring Marc Chagall drawings, and then shopping. I had already in my mind to buy the same model as the dress below, in an acquamarine color (and in a different size).

"You are not going to wear that right?"

"uh yes, why?"

"your arms are too fat"

"Mom - this is a size 8 and I do not even have to pull by belly in to zip it - I don't think it's necessary to make dramas"

"I still don't think you should wear it - and it doesn't make sense to buy it, why don't you just wear the old one?"

"Because the old one (size 4) does not fit any longer - I would need to drop 15kg (33lbs). And Florida is next week and the wedding is on May 15"

"Well I think you can lose 15 kilos in two months"

"Mom are you kidding me? If I lost 15kg while working in 8 weeks, I would die or worse".

Below the original dress, worn at a wedding in Portugal in summer 2017

I cringe at the thought I felt fat. I was not skinny, but compared to now I was a fucking goddess.

Back

 Granny passed when we were away, after lapsing in a coma for a couple days. It was expected, but I regret not being there to help my Mom organize things and just not being there for her.

I haven't been at the Parents place yet, as I was too afraid of bringing Covid home (the Malé airport was a jungle of thousands people in a room, most of them refusing to wear properly a mask).

A part from that, we had a good time, we managed not to spend too much time working, got a tan, went snorkeling several times, ate delicious food, made love and so on.

Pictures soon

a daytrip that was easier than expected

 A family friend had dinner with the Parents on New Year's Eve, and texted me on the following day. I asked her how did she think my Mom was faring, and  the answer was not that well.

Between that and the fact that they're starting to reinforce lockdown measures today, I decided for a day trip at the lake yesterday, and drove there in the morning.

I don't know what I was expecting, but perhaps I did the right thing? Mother as happy to get to spend a couple hours with me, she vented about Granny live-in aid (as she always does), but overall she seemed happy to see me. We went together to see Granny, who has no clue of who I am, but was a bit more lucid than usual, and at some point emerged from her torpor and told my Mom "thank you for taking care of me, you are so good". This meant a lot to Mom, and with all the effort she's putting in taking care of Granny, I was so happy she got this at least.

So overall, it was tiring, but I'm happy I went.

Tomorrow we're getting the PCR Covid test (necessary to go to Maldives) - we both took a quick test yesterday (negative) so hopefully it should be okay... but you never really know, more than half of the people I know with 3 doses are still positive... fingers crossed!

a difficult post

 My grandmother is dying. Well, we all are, technically speaking, but she has stopped eating a few days ago, and she's sleeping all the time now. Christmas was a mistake - her sister and her daughter (my mom) really wanted to be with her, so we picked her up for the small family lunch we had organized (grannie, her sister Aunt P, my parents, myself and Huband - Bro was in Germany at his inlaws), The whole Group hasv got 3 anticovid shots, and Husband and I had tested negative (just in case).

On the 24th Mom and I were supposed to do the usual: prepare fresh pasta dough, make it in sheets, cook it and prepare lasagna. Mom was late so I got started - by the time she came in, she was exhausted - she had been at Granni's to shower her, and right after being showered and dressed, Grannie puked all over herself and the couch, and as soon as she was cleaned and changed again, she needed to pee but didn't make it in time. I tried to lighten up the atmosphere and I think I did succeed to some extent.

On Christmas morning, when we picked Granny from her place, she did not recognize me (nor did she afterwards) - until last week, she knew me, and I it as a bad sign.

She did not eat of course, and spent the grand 90 minutes she was at my parents sleeping on the couch and puking from time to time - she didn't even say a word to Aunt P or my mom, and frankly speaking that's the hardest part.

When she said she wanted to go home, my dad and I walked her to the car (some 30 meters from the living room, no steps), but at some point she was too tired and let herself slip. Luckily we were quite ready and caught her (at the expense of my knee... more later). We made it to the car, and asked Husband to come with us - luckily he's a big guy, tall and strong, because the only thing we could think of, to bring her up to her place (she has stairs) was to bring down a chair, move her from the car to the chair and carry the chair and herself upstairs, which was quite a nightmare.

The worst part is that my mom and Aunt P are really suffering through this. It does not make any sense for me to stay at Granny as she does not want me there - since she no longer knows who I am, it stresses her to have strangers around. And I don't really know what to do to help my mom, besides talking to her. Well, she was very grateful with the new Ipad we got her for Xmas, and I did download her movies and a couple of books on Audible to help her pass time when she's at Granny's place (Granny's sleeping all the time, so..) but that's not much really to do but to wait for the end.

I also felt for Husband, who lost his mom over last year Boxing Day, and I was hoping to offer him a more cheerful break this year, but it is what it is.

On a different note, I went to see the doctor today, and his comment was that my knee's quite fucked up and no miracles can be expected. He said the damage goes well beyond the meniscus, and it looks like the rotula's partly compromised. In any case he game me a shot of steroids and I'll be back for more infiltrations of hyaluronic acid. Worst part is he ordered I stop for a while any kind of training including the elliptical machine, on which I've been spending 5 hours a week. Shit.

So, apologies for the depressing post. Really looking forward to Maldives in 10 days, provided we manage to avoid Covid (75% of my coworkers either have it or are quarantined for close contacts.... no shit)

Once upon a time

 Aunt Piera made it so far, and was sent home last weekend. I spent the last two weekends at my parents' place, as Mom (the Panther) really needed some rest and someone to step up on her behalf.

I was VERY happy to see Aunt back, although I must admit she is so much more fragile (I know it sounds absurd as you will tell me the woman was 94 even before her heart attack, but trust me - she was not fragile). It's not just a psychological matter: she cannot hurry or make efforts as she gets angina if she does. On Saturday night, after she spent the day at my parents' place (she had had her third covid shot in the morning) I was walking her to the car as she wanted me to drive her home, and she missed a step. I was kinda expecting this, as my Grandma (her sister) always misses the same step, so I was holding her and she did not fall at all, but she got a bit scared and she immediately had a bit of angina.

Meanwhile Grandmother is less and less lucid and aware - most of the time it's like she'd rather be left alone than having someone talking with her. While I try and understand this, it is very hard for her sister (Aunt P) and her daughter (my Mom).

On Sunday morning Aunt P came over for lunch, and we talked a bit just the two of us, about how much she still misses her husband (who passed 30 years ago), and how they always cared for each other. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 16, and not one year later he went rogue as his older brothers were called to war and they all ran away, so they all spent 2 years in the mountains as partisans. They were not driven by high ideologies, politics, or anything really, except for one strong drive: staying alive. --he would write postcards to his young fiancée, and sometimes she would hike up the mountain to bring him a basket of food.

Later on, while I was driving back to the city, I thought about how skinny and unhappy I was in all those years back from when B left me, until I started dating Husband. How I felt alone, lonely, and how I had gotten used to being sad and hurting.

And yet, Husband deserves more - he started dating a skinny girl, married a normal one, and now has a fat wife.

And I deserve more.

So it's probably time I do something about this - after all, I'll never go back to running again, so it's time to restrict.

Family shenanigans

 I started this post a few times already, and then cancelled it. I guess I'll try again.

Grandma is more and more volatile these days (she's 98 and in good health, but her memory is getting more and more fragile). She started sleeping most of the time, and has suddenly reduced significantly her food intake (which is a polite way to say that until 2 weeks ago she ate like a pig, and now she eats like a picky anorexic). We initially blamed this on a temporary effect from her third dose of vax, but it did not change.

Her sister, Aunt P, is really like another grandmother to my family: the two sisters were always close, Aunt P and her late husband did not have kids and she's always been very much involved with us. I remember that when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with Aunt P and her husband (as I did not attend kindergarden) and I remember going to ski with them, and even a vacation in Austria. They were such a cool couple!

Uncle passed away at 64, almost 30 years ago and our relationship with Aunt P was even reinforced while, as she grew old, she relied more and more on us being the only family left she had.

On Sunday I received a call from mom who was crying and sobbing loud. It took me a few minutes to understand that Aunt P, who is now 94, had had a heart attack. I was 3 hours drive away and sped home as fast as I could. Poor Aunt was home alone, and although by the time I got there she was already at the hospital in ICU, her house was a mess. The poor woman had tried to crawl to the phone but was not able to place a call - in the process, she had thrown up all over the place.

I helped my mom cleaning up the mess and regaining a bit of composure, and by the time I drove back to the city it was almost early morning.

She made it, but she was scheduled for another coronary angiography last night... which she refused. Dad, who's a cardiologist, says she's gonna have another heart attack unless she undergoes the procedure. 

Meanwhile, my grandmother keeps trying to phone her sister and complains she's never home - we've told grandma several times about the accident, but she simply forgets. And even worse, we all believe that her relationship with her sister is one of the things that makes her hold on, and missing her probably does not help.

Ah whatever, I foresee a difficult month ahead.

August can be difficult

So we had to buy a new car as the old one was a company car and I had to give it back.

I wanted a Tesla but in the end the chargers are not yet spread enough in this country for it to make sense. I thought we were going to get a Mercedes Class A, went to the shop and Husband started blubbering about a CLA.

At this point I stepped up - there is NO WAY we need such a big car. If that's the budget he had in mind, fine, we were going to get what I liked.

I chose this beauty:

(yes, it does have a hard top - I'm not nuts yet).

No we do not need 4 seats. 2 and a small trunk are absolutely enough.

And what if you need to move something large? I'll hire someone or rent a van

And what if you have a baby? Well, that's not happening, is it? And if it happens, last time I heard you get quite a few months of notice - more than enough to sell the car a buy a larger one.

So we drove off to the Italian and Swiss Alps for a short vacation. Frankly, it wasn't great. We worked too much during the vacation, I got a horrible period with all my body aching full time... The long story short is: i) I can't stand this periods thing any longer and want to get back to Nexplanon; ii) Alps are beautiful and everything, but we haven't been at the sea since Jan20 and I just want to have some peaceful time laying in sun on a beach, not having to climb mountains or anything.

So when we came back to my Parents place at the lake, since I have a few extra days off and Husband wants to go back to work, we decided that I'll stay at the lake a couple more days, working a bit in the morning (this will allow me to take it easy next week, rather than start with a hellish week) and in the afternoons I lay in sun on the inflatable mattress on the lake with Mom (the Panther). I'll also take the cat to the vet on Friday since he has a big lump on his shoulder that will have to be removed - poor kitty!

It's good to cool off a bit and relax, but if the Panther keeps telling me more than 10 times a day that I got horrendously fat and I REALLY REALLY need to drop weight, I might scream.

I wanted it bad

 The gym finally opened, and it was right about time - as suddenly yesterday my sister in law announced that she will get married on June 5, and I'm quite confident I cannot fit into any of my dresses.

I managed to do some spinning and then a yoga workout this morning, and man, did I miss real training! It's also good for the allergy - which has been a pain lately, I even passed out on Sunday due to low blood pressure as I haven't been sleeping a lot.

Of course it's not the same as running - I'll always miss running I think. I even dream of it sometimes, and it feels like these good dreams in which you can fly or you can breathe under water (you guys do et these right??).

I started this week at 160lbs, with a BMI of 25.4. I ama ashamed, but I feel I need to put this down, in order to focus on improving. In two days I'll be eligible to book my vax, and I'll probably be able to get my first shot in July. It's high time to leave covid behind, get out, work out and drop this belly.

On June 2nd the firm will announce the promotions to equity partners. I still do not know if I'll be in the announcement... If I get promoted, I'll go back to bright blonde hair. If I'm not, I'll go for a darker shade (ash blonde). It's a bit sad that I no longer care as much as I used to...

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let's be clear I'll trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cos I've got an elastic heart

(SIA)

Grieving, again

 In the last week of the year, my mother in law died.

She had an ictus an than extensive brain bleding. The country being in the situation it is, hospitals are full, and they did not admit her past ER. To be fair, she lived 15 minutes drive from a major hospital, and it took 5 hours and a half for an ambulance to come, pick her up and bring her to ER. You cannot drive yourself to ER or a family member these days, due to covid19.

By the time she was checked into ER, her brain was gone, she was in a deep coma. The doctors called my sister in law and explained she had 1 or two days left and that another ambulance would drive her back home, since they did not have free beds and she was terminal.

At least my husband, one of his brothers and his sister were with her at the end (the other 2 brothers had  unfortunately left to grab a bite some 10 minutes earlier). It was good for them I think, but really, it made me understand that it's so true when they say everyone dies alone. She was not conscious.

After all, the main measure taken by our government after months of debate on the pandemic, was spending 3 billions euros to equip schools with desks with wheels to ensure social distancing (and schools were only opened for three weeks in September, then they closed again).

Being the stubborn person I am, of course I always liked my mother in law and had a very good relationship with her. My husband is not the kind to express feelings, but I can see he's really in pain.

Since the family is strongly catholic, they had the open coffin in the house for 4 days, with people coming in from 7AM to 9PM. It was exhausting. Most people would start praying as soon as they step in, reciting what we call a Rosary (roughly, it's 50 Hail Marys, 5 PAter Nosters and a bunch of other prayers).

By the day of the funeral everyone was a train wreck - her priest son celebrated a beautiful functions, that made everyone cry (I really admire how good he was with words and memories, all without faltering - well not faltering too much). These poor guys have lost both their parents in 2020, and there's really not much anyone can do.

Finally yesterday, after the funeral, we decided to go back to our place in Milan (we won't be able to move in the new flat before the end of April).

On other news, I was late with periods for a while around Christmas, but then our hopes were crushed. Also, it seems they are putting me in the equity partners admittance process again, with a 50% chances of success. Frankly speaking, we came to a point where I'd rather not be made equity partner, but I'll develop more in the next post.

And the sad truth of how much more weight I have gained in these weeks of overeating and staying at home finally hit me very hard this morning.

This really need to go back to a weight loss blog.

Song of the day:

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens,

Whipe my nose, get my new boots on.

I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter

I put my hands in my fathers gloves

(...)

I hear a voice: You must learn to stand up

for yourself, 'cause I can't always be around

When you're gonna make up your mind?

When you're gonna love you as much as I do?

When you're gonna make up your mind?

These things are gonna change so fast

All the white horses are still in bed

I tell you that I'll always want you near

You say that things change

My dear, never change

I like Tori Amos, but I love Dream Theater cover for this one.

Nothing but fat

I'm still around, but not much is happening.

Except for me gaining weight, my mother cooking for 10 when it's 5 of us eating, and then nagging at me for my being fat.

Oh, and for forking out an advance payment of €280k for the flat - the purchase will be final at the end of February. The only one that seems excited about this is my nephew Luke, but then again, he's a sweetheart.

Old ones

 GrandMa is turning 97 next today. Since I'm working12319832761478946 hours a day, we baked a cake and made persimmon ice cream on Sunday to have a bit of a birthday celebration.

She has not had a good week - I think in a couple weeks or so, unless she gets better, she will no longer be able to climb stairs. I've been trying to convince the Panther that Granny needs to move in with my parents and that we can't wait any longer, but she... I dunno. Says that Granny is happy to live on her own. True I guess, but I'm really afraid she'll fall and end her days alone at the hospital, scared and abandoned (you can't visit anyone in hospitals right now, and those who check in at her age rarely check out these days).

On a different note, as Granny becomes more and more erratic, we were looking for some papers a couple weeks ago, and we found a notebook scribbled by GrandFather.

GrandFather has literally looked after me for a long time, because I did not attend kindergarden or any kind of nursery before I started school at 6. I loved him dearly, he was a great man, born 1917, capable, intelligent even though he didn't go much to school, and mostly he was good and kind.

The notebook turned out to be a story of his youth, he wrote in 2001. Despite all the difficulties, most of it transmits a pure joy of having lived a life fulfilled with satisfaction for his achievements. I also love how we wrote about GrandMa: in a tender way that is so full of respect it borders on shyness. It felt like reading "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café", one of my favourite books.

The only sad part is really about him dating a girl born out of marriage when he was a teenager, and blaming himself on having wronged her by dating her because he knew he could not have introduced her to his family or marry her since she didn't have a father - how sad really.

I spent a night reading through his memories and shed a few tears - I'm so grateful at having found this, at having received this peace of memory. It was like being granted another day to spend with him, 14 years after he passed away.