Then this thing turned out so evil, I don't know why I'm still surprised

(to my ED) But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind I keep swinging. I don't even ultra-super-mega binge. Honest. I never get to the point I consider puking. Then I realize I've fagocitated 2500kcals in a single day. ...and it's sick that all these battles, are what keeps me satisfied... I don't know. My mounth is still tore up due to the tooth estraction, therefore puking is not an option. I've never been much of a MIA, but I'm considering this: I need to drop the fat. I must stop the binge. Therefore, (as soon as my mouth heals), I may consider throwing up after bingeing, as a punishment (I don't believe in throwing up for losing weight: it takes 20minutes to absorb the calories; my massive overeating happens at the parents' place, where coffee goes on for a while after eating, so puking would happen too late to help). Effing disgusting, I know. I must stop running away, and start facing reality. Each calory counts. At least I'm still training hard.. On to another subject. Bloggers sometimes disappear. Sometimes someone we specially care for disappears, and when it's within the blogorexia, it's often scary. Did they drop out because they're happy? I hope so, but often don't believe it. Marcus from Do you like lemones? disappeared, and even cancelled his blog. Marcus, I hope you're doing great, but I miss you. Miss Burton, on the other hand, may be back. I really hope she decides to come back to the blogorexia, because I missed her too! Belle, who later turned into Rogue, is another beautiful person I lost track of. And I think everybody remembers (wonders?) about Ana Regziz. Love you all sweeties. I'm not commenting much, but I'm still reading!

I'll face myself

I was too ashamed to post.

I still am ashamed, but I need to face my shit.

Last week weight: 136.2lbs. 61.3kg. Fuckin' disgusting

Spring is finally breaking, and soon it's going to be bikini time.

So let mercy come,

and wash away

what I've done!

I'll face myself

to cross out

what I've become

erase myself

and let go

of what I've done!!

Oh, I'll post more often. And I'll drop the damn weight. But right now, something worries me even more: what happened to Marcus ? I can't find his blog anymore, it's like he's fell off the face of the earth! And of course I'm worried, probably he's just happy and dropped blogging, or blogger messed up, but I can't stop worrying so if you have news, please let me know!

Valentine fast

Ladies & Gentlemen!

The first 2011 fast has officially begun, together with the greatest and unique Marcus from "Do you like lemons?" (be sure to check out his blog if you don't already know it!)

Somehow, I can't help preferring "wanna-be skinny" boys. Girls, forgive me, but the thing is this: I'm not a competitive person, and fasting with a girl has always something of a competition (which works for many, but not so good for me). Fasting with a boy just feels like mutual support, you know?

Anyway, I spent a lovely weekend with my boyfriend, preparing St. Valentine dinners and lunches, so I weighted this very morning:

131.4lbs (59.6kg)

BMI 20.9

Let's see how far I can take it with Marcus' help!

And of course, anyone wanting to join us fasting is welcome!!!

St. Valentine and fasting

I went back to the gym, basically because I need it more than anything.

Winter will soon be over, and in less than a month my allergies will start: unless I'm very well trained by the end of march my asthma will kick in, and I won't be able to do anything unless I stuff my body with cortisone, which would result in gaining 5 kg at least.

So training is the top priority right now.

I'm not doing good with food either, and with Valentine's weekend ahead... well, at least on Monday I'll start fasting together with the lovely Marcus, and I can't wait for it!!

I love you all sweeties

I hope you will have a lovely weekend

xoxo

Soon I'll stand up again

I was doing good, and then I messed up again, and I’m, once more, ashamed to confess my scale this morning screamed 131.6lbs back at me (59.7kg).

In addition, On Friday I’m flying to London and I’ll carry a tons of foods to celebrate St. Valentine with my love. I’m talking pure carbs: I’ve got polenta, porcini mushrooms, 2 different kinds of cheese, heart shaped cookies, plus (just for him) salami and chocolate (I bought plenty of cheese and chocolate in Switzerland over the weekend).

I’m hitting the gym 4 times a week (plus I’ve been freeriding yesterday), but I know it’s not enough.

I know it’s no excuse, but work is so hard, I can’t seem to fast like I used to. I’m hoping to do it next week, maybe with Marcus (buddy, please tell me you’re in: together, we can do it!)

I’m sorry I’m not posting as often as I used to: I can’t seem to give my life that spark I had last spring/summer. Most likely, it’s the same spark that helped me losing weight at the time.

But I DO know I have to get skinny soon: the mountaineering ski season is starting in a month (and I’m too heavy to carry myself up to the top of the Alps highest peaks), swimming suit season will start in May, and I seriously need a skinnier body for that.

Then, I’ll hang out at the lake, ride my Vespa, swim and sale, and my life will once again shine.

Or maybe, with Steve so far away, the shining is gone, but I’ll be strong and stand up for my mind’s sake.

Skinny past

I’m never tired of writing it: once upon a time, I was skinny. For real.

What never occurred me is, back when I was skinny, I was a real puta! Really guys, it never occurred me before. Now that I’m fat, I realize this depended on two factors:

- men used to hit on me all the time

- I was more confident in my skinny body than I am now in my fatty one.

(Thinking about it now, those days I should have worn a T-shirt à la David Guetta with a good slogan such as “FUCK ME, I’m Skinny!”).

I mean, let’s face it. I always thought Steve was a bit of a man-whore, and I recently found out I’ve had sex with more people he did (when I say I found out, it means, I found out and he didn’t, thanx god!).

I always thought that I was an average girl (I’m 28 and I’ve slept with circa 30 guys) dating prude guys (lol), but finding out that even Steve is less experienced than I am… Well, all I can say is, not displaying the full whore-mode when we first started dating was, in retrospect, a genius moves on my side!

Just to be clear, I haven’t slept with anyone but Steve and the ex over the last 5 years (and Alejandro, but I’d never admit this to anyone I know, plus he was an ex from the past so that shouldn't really count).

(all in all the saddest thing is, in my dreams I’m still the skinny bitch I was 10 years ago. Always. I never dream of fat Lucy, not even in nightmares. And when I look into the mirror, I still expect Lucy’s Shadw to stare back of me. Instead, it’s always fat Lucy)

Anyway, enough of my (past) sluttiness.

The thing is, girls, I’ve been busy and overworked, I may still be, but I’m back on the wagon.

Weighted 132.3lbs (60kg) on Monday morning, but I am back in control, with 129.9lbs (58.9kg) this morning and starting the Sacred Heart diet once again (I already prepared the soup last night + I hit the gym this morning after 15 days of laziness). A bit old-fashioned maybe, but the sacred heart diet always worked for me.

So, fuck fad diet haters, I’m going to rock it. I’ll need all your support girls!!

PS: Why am I not fasting? Well, I don’t feel ready for a real fast, and I lack the right motivation. I lack my all times favorite fast buddy, the great Marcus. But alas, Marcus went to university in autumn and has been MIA since. I hope you’re happy and skinny Marcus, but you are missed.

Tuesday stays for Total abstention from food...

Yesterday I binged like a mad Mia. Steve had to leave for work, and he'll be away for the week. I don't know how I'll deal once he'll move to London.

All I know is after yesterday super binge, I woke up this morning at 123.5lbs (56kg). FUCK ME!!!

So, I hit the gym (pretty hard), and I'm water/coffee (no sugar) fasting today. I'll try to stay on liquid fast until Friday night. I want to be 114.6 lbs (52kg) by the end of September. I NEED to get there.

Oh, and since Marcus asked, my fave junk food is not sold in Italy (luckily). It's Hula Hoops, you know those potato chips rings they sell in the UK? yeah....

I miss Steve.... badly.

Love you all, let me know if anyone's fasting with me!!!

Motivational Monday

To keep things short and effective:

Let’s fast.

I started this morning, together with Marcus, Poker face (love to see you’re back sweetie), so let’s be strong together.

Lord knows I need some fasting. I messed up with food over the weekend, plus I’m back on the pill (sorry boys, I know this is weird) and it makes me gain weight. It always does.

However, yesterday I trained hard-core. I woke up in the morning and went running in the mountains for 12km, and then I got out on my kayak for 20 solid km on the lake. Then I went swimming, and to end the morning in glory, I got drunk on white wine at my neighbor’s.

The ex came on Friday night, and finally realized things are over. It was pretty awful, but at least it wasn’t long. Now, it’s time to move on.

Steve called sick at work, and asked me to pay him a visit over lunch break: perfect excuse to fast.

The truth? He got so drunk last night he couldn’t drag his sorry ass at work. LOL

Boys, girls, I love you. Let’s make this fast last as long as possible. I’ll keep the comments window opened as much as possible, so write if you need some support!!

Wild nights, danger ahead (long post)

The last days have been confusing. Great moments, with lots of fun, and then some melancholy.

And then the BAD.

Let’s start with the good.

I went out Wednesday night with the crew from work. Steve and I walked to the pub together, ordered two beers and just chilled waiting for the others. The weather is getting hotter and hotter: we’re having over 97F in the evening!! (37Celsius)

So we clicked our glasses and soon after I got up because I wanted to wash my hands, and of course colors started fading and I faltered. Steve grabbed me until I was stable again, and stared at me.

“If you are going to drink that beer, you’d better eat at least something, or you’ll end up drunk, embarrassing yourself in front of all the colleagues”

“… I guess you’re right”

So I ate (300Kcals) and I ended up drinking one beer and a half.

In the meanwhile, Alvaro, Mick, Robin and two others joined us, and Steve managed to drink 12 beers plus half of my second. Of course he ended up drunk, got loud and everything, but it was so funny! At 11-ish, Alvaro bended towards my ear and said “Steve’s drunk. And he’s been staring at your breasts over the last 15 minutes or so. If you prefer, I’ll drive you home when we go”

After the pub, we went to Steve and Robin’s place for a smoke. Well, before we got there, Steve (who by the time was veeeeeeery drunk) pushed me in a corner (firmly but gently) and started getting way too close to my lips. I didn’t want this to happen!! Not in front of the others!! But luckily Alvaro stepped in and pulled me away!! Later on he drove me home as promised: he’s such a gentleman!

Anyway, on the next day Steve emailed me early in the morning: Is there anything I should know about last night that I might not remember? S.

LMAO

When he got to work, he was in a bad shape, head aching and everything, but we spent most of the day together, at the desk or at the coffee machine and I told him stories about the night before and we had a blast! I really hope we’ll do something like that next week!

Let’s go on with the BAD.

We have a new intern. Of course, before she arrived, we checked her out on facebook. I immediately noticed her collar bones. The girl must have a BMI of 16 or so. Bad. Anyway, she got here yesterday. The first thing I noticed: she’s so skinny and beautiful. The second: she has a permanent tattoo, stating THE mantra: “Quod me nutrit me destruit”. The third: while I was staring at her tattoo, she was staring at my red bracelet. Fuck.

This can only lead to trouble. The last girl we hired is a skinny puppy who cries all the time and now thinks I’m her new girl-friend at work (which is bad enough). This new one? She won’t last. She isn’t strong enough to survive in this office, but the boys will bring her out with us and everything. As soon as work gets tough, she’ll start crying and spilling her secrets. And she may spill mine as well. I know, I should support her, but the truth is her presence scares me. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

In the meanwhile, I’m leaving for France for the weekend: Boyfriend and I are attending a wedding by a swimming pool. Food will consist of meat, so I shall be able to avoid bingeing (I’m veggos), and hopefully I’ll get a tan.

I was 121.3lbs this morning, and I hope to be the same on Monday!! BMI: 19.26. I want to see an 18.

I love you skinnies, your comments are the strongest motivation ever

PS I’ll start next week’s fast on Sunday afternoon. I think Ancora and Marcus will fast as well, will you guys? Anyone else joining?

Fasting

Most sporty weekend ever

I spent HOURS swimming with Bro’s kids on my back or on my shoulders, hours carryign both of them around the lake with my (one place) kayak.

I spent HOURS making love to Boyfriend

And hours eating and drinking white wine, gulp!

I don't know how much I gained, I'll weight myself tomorrow morning.

Long story short: I’m fasting. I started this morning, and will try to go on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

And while fasting, I’ll keep the lovely Marcus on my mind. Stay strong dear friend.

Binge & Fast

Dear, lovely skinnies,

I’m sorry for disappearing. The weekend has been crazy, mad and hectic. I had to organize this huge party with all my family friends, 65 people were attending, all in my parents’ garden, and Mother and I cooked and baked through two solid days. The only pause occurred when my 83 years old aunt called me on the phone

“Come and get me”

Now, aunt is no drama queen, so I worried and inquired

“I’ll be right there but where are you?”

“I fell into the creek. Hit my head. Come, please”

I couldn’t make her say anything else. She does have a rocky creek in her garden (almost a small river actually). I stashed the phone, cried out loud for dad and Bro (they’re the doctors after all) and sprinted downstairs, through the garden and to the car. We hopped in and, while driving, I explained I did not know whether she was still in the creek, on her legs or not, or anything that mattered. In the end, she was mostly fine, had indeed hit her head, but was conscious and on her legs, all bruised but mostly scared.

So we took her home with us, medicated her head, nose and hands, I washed her hair and combed it, and mostly tried to make her feel comfortable. She was so thankful!

The only downside is, between this and the stress of the party, I stuffed my face like I was mia (Which I’m NOT). I’m probably over 125lbs.

Oh well. We also sailed the regatta on Sunday (though the Pirate wasn’t there), it was way windier than usual, and very physical, we even got scared at certain moments, and I got completely washed up more than once (and it WAS cold).

Something interesting came up on Saturday morning… I was baking a quiche, when I got an email from Steve:

“Will you fly to Greece with me on Thursday? We’ll be back on Wednesday. Let me know. S.”

What sucks is, I want to go. It’s been pouring rain here, and I’m so tired, I’d love so much to get to that island (that I know very well by the way, I spent 4 months there when I was a kid). But I can’t. Work is going nuts again, and my vacation booked for next week (that I shall spend with Boyfriend) will most likely be cancelled. If I manage to have the weekend off from work, I’ll see boyfriend, and I’d better, since I haven’t seen him in over a month and I swear I don’t even know what to tell him on the phone. Plus, he’s furious that I won’t be able to get away from work next week.

Well, that’s almost all folks. Last but not least, Marcus and I are fasting. We started this morning, and hope to make it until Thursday – Friday. Anyone would like to join us? I love fast buddies!!!

What I've done

Last Friday, while fasting, Steve IMed me
Steve: “You in town tonite?”
Lucy: “Yup, cause I’m working tomorrow. Wanna hang out?”
S: “Am super pissed. Work sucks. Prepare your liver, we’re getting drunk”

Huh ho, I thought, I’m not getting THAT drank because I’m working tomorrow, but hell I DO wanna go out!

We both worked late, and at 10PM we met on the way to out favourite pub, where Steve ordered the first round of beers before I even walked in. the night was hot, kids were partying because the school is over, we got a table outdoor and started drinking and sharing stories about our respective weeks. I shared my concerns about Boyfriend and how I didn’t meet Alejandro, and Steve, being Steve, said I am a train wreck.
“Steve, be honest with me. You are a man, and I remember very well what you told me about your friend stag that you attended three weeks ago. Is my boyfriend getting laid in this very moment?”
“Not necessarily, stop being a train wreck, it depends on him”
“Why aren’t you looking at me in the eyes while you’re telling me this?”

Then we moved the discussion to his week: he told me he got a job interview for the London office (he would like to go there for 2 years), and I said I’m glad for him but sad for me. As I explained before, I do think that I’d be way more miserable in the office if Steve wasn’t a part of it. Steve was indeed stressed and angry, and had only started chilling, so he started saying that everything will change anyway once Boyfriend moves in, and I was a bit hurt, so I said sure, I won’t hang out THAT much anymore, but it would be just the same if HE had a girlfriend, and he agreed I was right. Then he really started chilling, ordered food, didn’t even insist that I eat (because I did not eat, at least), and we kept ordering beers.

Blame the night, blame the heat, blame the beer. I knew I needed a man, and Steve was there for me. We kept hugging, moved to another pub (closer to my place), kissed, danced, he took me on his lap, and then... I passed out.

I wasn’t even drunk, just hypoglycemic. Luckily I knew it was going to happened, and managed to tell him “Hold me tight because I’m falling”. And I passed out. Luckily, I came back pretty quickly, and he blamed it on the booze. But the truth is, he had had shots and was way more drunk than I was. So at 4AM we walked home and I thought he was way too drunk to go home alone, and I wouldn’t manage to walk to his place and back, so I told him to shut his big mouth and to sleep at my place.

Of course, we both ended more or less naked during several phases of the night, but no real sex happened. Sure, Steve tried hitting on me at various moments, but we spent most of the night hugging tightly. Lord, how I needed a little tenderness! I mean, he even gave me an awesome back massage early in the morning! And then I showered and went to work (which was hard, because booze without food and not even 3 solid hours of sleep….) and left him sleeping at my place.

I cannot say I regret it. I felt good, I felt protected, I felt desired. I know it was wrong, towards Boyfriend, towards Steve and towards me.
I think we can go on with our friendship like it never happened. I just hope I’m not wrong. I mean, later on Saturday he stopped by at the office to give me my keys, and we talked later on the phone because I had some issues at work, and we were normal.
I AM NOT SORRY.
Call me a bitch if you want.

PS I ended up fasting 30 hours, than I went home to see the parents and had to eat. But I’m fasting again this week, I'm probably starting tonight!


UPDATE: I started fasting, and the lovely Marcus is in as well! Join us, skinnies!!