Mountain View part II and more horrors

 The four of us went to a beautiful (but strange) place called Rosewood Sand Hill in Palo Alto. The bar was classy, but a hybrid thing where everyone was standing but no one danced, which apparently is normal in California but for the two Europeans in the group was weird?

Anyways the night quickly took off, company was great. After a first bottle of Dom Perigno (fort of 4 and admittedly I generously contributed to the emptying of the bottles) and a few Negronis, At some point the guys started talking sports and I waltzed my way towards two Israeli girls who were clearly looking for a distraction (read: they were wearing very deep a neck blouses and very red lipsticks) and made friends with them, they were super fun and told me how the ate mothers, bored with their life and so on and they were super nice. 

That is until Alex, started screaming at me “Lucy stop talking to hookers and come back here”. 

I saw red - turned to Mischief who looked horrified and hissed at him “Seriously? Those are not hookers Mischief. The one that has been sitting closer and closer to you is though”.

Somehow Mischief managed to be gracious enough to fix things, inviting Sara and Dvora to have a glass with us.

Much later, after the ladies left, the real hooker came to talk to me and slipped a hand under my shirt “your boobs are so beautiful “ she said. She was very drunk and older than I expected and I think she was really looking for an easy job. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and gently told her Thank you but I was not into it. She desisted and went her way. I turned and my friends were.. speechless…

By then most of the people had left, our tab was amounting to $2,500 (seriously everything in the US is overpriced) and I made my way to the restroom. 

Did I wait to check if I could hear footsteps following me? I did, out of curiosity really. No one followed me. 

When I came back the Americans started talking about how they are scared of divorcing and I was puzzled. Mischief especially was serious and I was like why if you don’t fuck around why would you divorce I mean your wife is a stay at home mom, why would she leave you? And that’s where he started complaining she never wants to have sex and I said wait, you do use lubricant right? Once again everyone was speechless (apparently no they did not). I was baffled and said guys your wives are no longer 20, they just don’t get that wet, lube is your best friend just don’t make a big deal of it! It’s a few bucks per pack and makes your sex life so much more enjoyable!

We also spent a long time talking how it's different to do business in the US vs Europe and how it's different for men and women - I would never go to a dinner alone with a male client in Milan, although I may do it if we were both travelling (I would still prefer to be more than 2 people). Europe is flexing towards business lunch these days... but reality is that it's easier for men (clients are 99% men so apologies if I sound biased).

The night started slowing down after that and eventually we made it back to the hotel at 2am with the usual promises of everlasting friendship (Alex was too drunk for those and anyways..) Mischief and I were on the top floor at the hotel and again I thought he was giving me the eye when he said goodnight out of my room but I did my best to casually say Nite and thanks I had a great night and quicklyake it into my room to avoid any confusion.

The next day was the last. Alex never showed up at the training, I felt fine, Carlos had a bad headache and I proceeded teasing Mischief saying that if his wife was going to see the bar bill he would be divorced in no time under the accusation of having paid strippers and we had a good laugh. Mischief hugged me goodbye a little longer and a little closer than Carlos did but it felt good and off I went back to Europe.

I came home to find that I was still 72kg (159lbs). The week later I was in Amsterdam where they filmed me for the interview where I look like a whale and it was hard. 

I should also mention that over the past four years I have not been good. As part of the overall horrible body situation, I got never-ending periods (at the worst point over one summer I experienced 70 days of bleeding, 10 days off, followed by 45 more days bleeding) with huge back pains and smarting joints. This has not helped with the weight, with my feelings towards my body (and with our sex life tbh). I have seen several different doctors who always told me it was normal and to just deal with it. Back in September I tried a new doctor who finally listened to me and immediately put me on different meds that almost stopped the bleeding, and then prescribed some more analyses. I got some results before Mountain View and they basically found a tumor but did not know what kind in my womb, so I had to do two biopsies right after Mountain View and before the Netherlands. I was seriously depressed, although because I've been through horrible years that could have been dealt with. Doctors told me in any case I shall probably have my womb removed. No cliffhangers here, I got all the biopsies done and it turned out to be a benign thing, and eventually my doctor said that I should not undergo surgery for the time being, continue the meds (bleeding has now completely stopped and I am immensely grateful) and keep the thing monitored once a year through a scan. I also got positive feedback on dealing it this way from my Brother (who's a doctor).

To add more horrors, my mom (the Panther) got a knee replaced while I was in the US, replunged in her anorexia and stopped eating. Of course she got anemic and they would not release her from the hospital, and then she escaped and went home. On the day after my biopsies I drove to my parents place and spent two days cooking stuff and freezing or putting it under vacuum so they would have food while she was using crutches. In exchange I got a lot of sneaky remarks on how fat I am.

My mom is still eating very little and is now 44kg (97lbs) and ecstatic about this.

Husband meanwhile has been there although it sometimes seems like we share a house. I mean, he has not initiated sex in years, and after the bleeding stopped back at the end of September I've tried to make this somehow more frequent but... it's a bit embarrassing to always be the one that starts things you know? He's having a hard time at work (but he's been bitching about it over the past two years), and I often feel he really resents that I've achieved a better career than he has over the past 3 years (it was always the opposite way around previously). I'm not trying to justify anything, this is just how things are. I certainly still love him and I'm invested in our relationship, although this will sound phony in the next post, please do believe me.

The thing is I've been travelling a lot and you may remember from the past some of his "lapses", when I would be away for work and he would get wasted and high and end up with a broken arm, a twisted foot, black eyes or this kind of things. This year it's easier for me because now two (beloved) nieces moved to Milan and always hang out at our place and I've been basically blackmailing them to come over to our apartment as much as possible when I'm away (it was my friend Matt who suggested this genius strategy). I had almost always worked, just last week there was a minor episode where I think he fell coming home but nothing dramatic.

Meanwhile, Mischief set up a chat with me and Carlos and we kept texting....

Song for this post: Chandelier, by Sia

(forgive typos, most of this long post was typed on my iphone and my nails are too long)

The horrors and Montain View part I

 Let's start with the main, most important topic - which is weight of course.

Tears spring into my eyes when I realize I never write here the extent of the damage - but this has always been my place for confession so to the truth I shall stick. 

In Spring 2025 I hit 80kg, or 176lbs a MBI of 27.7.

I know. Just reading this on the screen makes me have a hard time breathing.

Last year I did restrict for a couple months and dropped 5kg, bringing me to 75kg or 165lbs by summer 25 - I basically did this with some help from ChatGPT. I then remained stable until February 2026.

In February 2026, right before the week in Mountain View (more later on this), I started again a ChatGPT project and lost 4kg in a couple months, despite spending almost 1 month travelling for work (which makes it very hard to restrict, trust me) between the week in California, one week in the Netherlands and a couple short trips to Germany. 

What happened in Mountain View? I was there for a training, and it was a great one - I had actually won it as an internal corporate award (and trust me I did compete hard because I wanted it) and the topics were super interesting. HOWEVER, right before leaving I got hit by anxiety - feeling akward, fat, and out of place. To partly explain: i) my English is poor (French is my second language) and I had just started aligners which do not improve my articulation and ii) you may think it was an event with colleagues and it's true, but even in my organization I do something that is extremely niche both in terms of activity (financial due diligence) and sectors (Media & Tech), while ppl usually do audit or consulting for private equity or manufacturing - add that I have no kids and I do not watch sports...

Anyways, I flew in, got super jet lagged, and when the even started I stumbled to the table I was assigned to (men only, of course! and not even a French!) and 5 minutes into the kick-off someone sighted and dropped into the empty chair next to me. I quickly looked and judged him American - from his teeth (don't get me wrong lovelies - only Americans have such shiny perfect white teeth that look like they were polished with a blue laser sword!).

Mischief introduced himself as a cybersecurity person, working for the Media sector. I instantly felt better.

The training was even above my expectations, and I spent the week waking up at 2 (hello jet lag), doing work with Europe until 5:30, hitting the gym (why so full so early?), showering, more work, training all day followed by dinner and drinks which I always had with Carlos, a cool guy from Spain, Mischief, Kevin and Alex. Despite the horrible weather, I had a blast and always felt super good. At least one week of full immersion improved my English.

On the last evening Mischief sneaked me out of dinner with the promise of bringing me and Carlos to a "real Palo Alto place" and Alex joined as well. He had already hauled an Uber when I suddenly shivered and almost chickened out. He seemed sad and I changed my mind again but stared at him and said "Promise me I will not regret this in any way". He looked at me and said "I promise".

More in another post tomorrow, I promise!

Song for this post: "California Dreaming" - the version sung by Sia

Year end

 Almost year end, and while I do not update often, I am reasonably content.

Still fat, super tired (this is one of the seasonal peaks in my job), but overall happy. As time goes by, I keep thinking I'd ideally like to work for 9 or 10 more years and then retire - hopefully live by the seaside in a quiet place. I am not sure husband has the same plans, but recently we had 4 days of bank holiday that we spent home by ourselves and he was commenting on how he had a great time and I said "one day this could be our life - would that be so terrible?".

Don't get me wrong - I'd be happy to retire even now but one must be realistic. I must match my financial needs, my life expectation and my savings. So I think 9 or 10 more years - and still, stopping work at 50 would be quite a luxury!

On a side note, we've booked a vacation in Maldives again in the first week of January - I know we keep going there but hey, this time of the year it's so good and regenerating! We did consider Carribean Islands as well, but the trouble is we still have to attend some videocalls, and anywhere with more than 4 hours difference gets difficult to manage. And Maldives are soooo relaxing!

Lastly, my beloved cat is the spoiled brat of the household - actually he behaves decently and is super affectionate.

Wish you all the best for this year end, dear readers

Quick update

 All is well, except for the lack of progress weight-wise.

Work is busy as usual, Loki is always the best cat in the world. He is now 10 months old and he's super cute and adorable. At least a couple times a week we take him out for walks, although he usually prefers to sit on our shoulders/on top of a backpack for extra support, rather than walking outside. If we stop at a meadow or somewhere quiet he'll happily explore around, but generally speaking he feels safer on my or my husband's shoulders.

We have not neutered him so far; the vet told us that, living without other cats near, he may not start peeing around to mark territory, and so far we've had zero accidents so for the time being, he gets to keep his balls ahahahah. He's a cheerful cat, very cuddly and loves playing. While I would not go as far as saying he loves travelling, he puts up with our weekend trips without any problem.

Not much else going on, except that I keep postponing buying a dress for my friend's wedding (I'll be bridesmaid) hoping I'll manage to drop some weight... at some point I'll have to make up my mind and buy the thing!

Got it

 Somehow I got Covid...

Not sure how really, I came back from Dubai without any issue, tested negative. I suspect a client meeting last Wednesday (we all tested at the beginning of the meeting, but now the client is positive and so am I, so,...)

In any case, I have not lost taste/smell, so I'm as hungry as usual. I guess I got a soft form, it really feels like having a bad cold.

What's really annoying is that I have to work from home - as much as I kind of like a hybrid where I spend half of the day at the office and half at home, I still dislike very much working from home all day. It's boring, I miss office gossip, coffee breaks with my friends, having lunch downtown and so on. Well at least the cat is very happy with me staying at home all day.

Weight wise, I had started well, then gained again in Dubai, but I'll try to stick to restricting onwards.

Otherwise, not much going on I'm afraid..

first steps

 As always, the first week dieting is the easiest - and I shredded 2kg (4.5lbs) relatively easily (I even went out for drinks with the kids at work).

On top of the upcoming wedding, I'll have to go to Dubai for work in 10 days and then it'll be Monte Carlo (again - it's a project that already occurred 3 years ago, see the first two posts here). The main difference is that this time, I'll be carrying around 15/20kg more than the other girls. Shit.

At least going back to those posts made me remember that the hotel I'll be staying at in Dubai provides a scale in the room. And to be honest their gym is pretty awesome.

New year, old goals

 Happy new year bloggers!

My weight is at its highest, and a good friend just invited me to her (very fancy) wedding in Sicily in June.

I need to go back to old methods, also bcs I need to lose weight for medical reasons:

- I'm getting a new Nexplanon implant as dealing with periods has become unmanageable

- my back hurts

- my knees are better than last year but they'd still benefit from less weight to carry.

The good news is our friends who come over for excessive dinners every Sunday are having a baby tomorrow so I expect they won't be so keen about going out for a few weeks at least.

140 days to lose at least 10kg (22lbs). I need to to this, and needless to say, 15kg would be better but I don't think I can do it. 

Today menu is:

breakfast (half cup of cereals with skimmed milk, same as usual)

raw salmon and salad for lunch

baked broccoli, baked pumpkin and 1 kiwi for dinner

On different news, while Loki the cat is potty trained by now, this morning he was in a bad mood and he tried to piss on the bathroom mat. I'm going home after lunch and work from home, hopefully that will raise his spirits.

If you want to know more about Loki, you can follow him on Instagram @loki.the_siberian_cat

Wishful thinking

 When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to be a boy (only one person in the world wanted that more than I did - my mother). Since that was not going to happen, I desperately wanted to be tall and boyish. At 14 I got a boy haircut (which did NOT suit me). I was severely underweight, but I wanted to be tall to be able to ride my brother's enduro motorbike.

I ended up being a tall woman (at least for Italian standards). Years went by and I also ended up being a fat woman.

And funnily, I now wish I was shorter, smaller, petite. I am so jealous of my short friends who, even when they get fat (they usually don't), have such little weight to carry around.

I still wish I was born as a boy.

Wake up call

 This was an accident,

not the kind where sirens sound

never even noticed

we're suddenly crumbling

(show me love, t.A.T.u.)

While we were planning a summer roadtrip that involves visiting some top French wine caves in the Burgundy region, chateaux, middle age towns, kayaking down the Ardèche canyon and relaxing by Lake Annecy, driving around lazily, and then...

Husband suddenly proposed to do a week of diet retreat. He actually sent me the link of a sick place where instead of giving you food they give you an IV with fluids and nutrients. (for the modest price of fucking 5k Euros per person, per week).

Besides the obvious fact that I'd rather shut myself in at home without food for a week rather than flushing money down the toilet like this, the simple think he is considering this kind of plan triggers some huge warnings.

I need to lose weight ASAP. Let' face it - my parents can barely look me in the eyes and are basically ashamed of being around with me. Husband enquires about sick places that are meant for old rich fat people that wannabe anorexic. Do I need any more suggestions?

When T.A.T.U. were famous, no one ever focused much on Lena Katina, even though she was the real voice of the duo. She was probably a normal weight, but she was the fat one of the duo and eye were all over skinny Julia Volkova, the hot skinny bitch.

Overwhelmed

 well the title says it all I guess.

We left Italy on a Friday morning, and as typical, I got my period (since the period know when you have a 11+ hours flight), and it was a bad one, with an horrible backache and all joints (and the damn knee) aching for days.

Miami beach was full of springbreakers, something I would have loved 20 years ago, but I would much rather have enjoyed quiet. Actually the crowds were so bad and unruly the police enforced a curfew, resulting in police sirens and megaphones all night long.

The beach and the parks were really beautiful and the weather amazing. It would have been perfect, had I not been in almost too much pain to walk. Meanwhile, phone conversations with the family were full of cute comments such as "Are you really going to the beach? you are too fat to wear a bikini" and other lovely comments of the kind.

Orlando was nice, although, predictably, I got sick - I take it as a miracle that I did not get covid (2k people in closed spaces with no masks - insane), but the constant swing between hot wet weather outside and AC indoors is a killer for me. The even was beautiful, we had a private night opening of Universal Studios and a lovely evening at a golf place, with a DJ set, fireworks, amazing food and booze etc.

Meanwhile every single pic sent to the family whatsapp chat (such as the one above, in the new dress) resulted in more sneaky comments.

We got back. got tested (negative), and the first thing my father told me on the phone was I need to go on a diet. Cool huh?

On Monday I went to Tuscany for a Partners meeting. The place was lovely (see pics). I did make a mistake in sending a text to the family chat along the lines of "having a vertical tasting of Brunello di Montalcino right now, so not coming home LOL". The reply frtom my father was "You're not coming home because you won't fit through the door".

Frankly, I'm done. I've had enough. For the first 20 years of my life everyone had to stress out that I was not eating enough and that I was such a nuisance for not eating. Then 20 years of telling me I'm too fat. 

I'm fed up - hello, I do see mirrors, and I do own a scale. Just fuck off. No more phone calls from me.

not a huge deal?

 Today is one of those day when I feel like hey, it' not a huge deal. Granted, I've let myself become overweight, but now I'm taking the matter into my hands and drop the weight. I've done it in the past and I will do it again. Hell, I've heard that even eminem got to 100kg at some point and then dropped the weight, and he's 10 years older than I am after all.

The problem in this is always that I tend to have this optimistic feelings only right after breakfast. The will may last for a few days, but to lose the weight I have gained it would take months.

and yet, sometimes I see a reflection in a mirror with the corner of my eye, and it still catches me by surprise to see I'm fat. 

in my dreams I'm always skinny, just like I used to be. I'm not always young, but I'm always skinny - I'll never get over this

All my life I've been waiting

for you to bring a fairytale my way

but living in a fantasy without meaning..

..it's not okay, I don't feel safe

(Anastacia)

Check-up

 Can you please step on the scale?

When I booked the check-up, I knew this was going to happen. And frankly speaking, the clinic scale was kind to me, indicating 1.2kg less than my home scale (2.6lbs)

170cm and 73kg

I stay quiet. I mean, it wasn't a question, it's a statement, so I don't think an answer is needed

Have you experienced any weight gain?

Ah, yes, I had a knee surgery two years ago, and then the lockdowns, and I gained 15 kilos (33lbs my dear American friends). I lost a couple in August and September when I finally started training again, but my knee discus tore again a month and a half ago.

And before your knee accident, did you experience weight swings? Were you ever on a diet?

Uh, no, not really (mind your fucking business)

Any eating issues? 

Nope (mind your business bitch - do you really think I'm going to spill it all over here? This check-up is work sponsored you idiot - I'm not that dumb). 

Yes Doctor - I know I've put on weight and I'm trying to find new forms of training that are respectful of my knee. I'm doing elliptical now, but I used to run a lot in the past. I know I'm a bit overweight and I'm concerned for the impact on my back and on my knee.

Yes, you must lose 10kg

Ok I understand (first of all: I have to lose at least 15, bitch. Second - I hate you and I know what you are going to say)

So you should eat fish or chicken

I'd rather fast than eating those Too late I realize this has slipped out of my mouth. My disgust for fish and chicken is too strong to hide

Ah, but you need to eat fish or meat at lunch, with a side of vegetables, and then fruit. And the blah blah blah blah blah

My thoughts wonder, while I nod furiously and make promises.

This was fucking humiliating

Once upon a time

 Aunt Piera made it so far, and was sent home last weekend. I spent the last two weekends at my parents' place, as Mom (the Panther) really needed some rest and someone to step up on her behalf.

I was VERY happy to see Aunt back, although I must admit she is so much more fragile (I know it sounds absurd as you will tell me the woman was 94 even before her heart attack, but trust me - she was not fragile). It's not just a psychological matter: she cannot hurry or make efforts as she gets angina if she does. On Saturday night, after she spent the day at my parents' place (she had had her third covid shot in the morning) I was walking her to the car as she wanted me to drive her home, and she missed a step. I was kinda expecting this, as my Grandma (her sister) always misses the same step, so I was holding her and she did not fall at all, but she got a bit scared and she immediately had a bit of angina.

Meanwhile Grandmother is less and less lucid and aware - most of the time it's like she'd rather be left alone than having someone talking with her. While I try and understand this, it is very hard for her sister (Aunt P) and her daughter (my Mom).

On Sunday morning Aunt P came over for lunch, and we talked a bit just the two of us, about how much she still misses her husband (who passed 30 years ago), and how they always cared for each other. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 16, and not one year later he went rogue as his older brothers were called to war and they all ran away, so they all spent 2 years in the mountains as partisans. They were not driven by high ideologies, politics, or anything really, except for one strong drive: staying alive. --he would write postcards to his young fiancée, and sometimes she would hike up the mountain to bring him a basket of food.

Later on, while I was driving back to the city, I thought about how skinny and unhappy I was in all those years back from when B left me, until I started dating Husband. How I felt alone, lonely, and how I had gotten used to being sad and hurting.

And yet, Husband deserves more - he started dating a skinny girl, married a normal one, and now has a fat wife.

And I deserve more.

So it's probably time I do something about this - after all, I'll never go back to running again, so it's time to restrict.

Nothin's fine I'm torn

 Well, it's not as dramatic as the title may suggest, but I've torn AGAIN my left knee meniscus, the same one I broke 3 years ago and had surgery on almost two years ago. It took me 15 months from the surgery to walk okay, and now it's fucked up again. (and even before this last event, it was understood that running was a souvenir from the past).

I do not expect anyone has been reading this rambling blog for the last 10 years or so, but running used to be a big part of my life - until 3 years ago. And then, I got fat: no wonder, as I eat the same (or more) and I used to run something in between 18km and 40km per week.

In any case, there is no way I'm repeating surgery . frankly speaking, it was SO NOT WORTH IT - the pains were much more significant than the benefits.

The only problem is this only leaves me one option which is to lose weight. And instead, of course, I keep gaining :-(

PS how did I tear it this time? Oh, by doing exactly the exercises that all doctors and physiotherapists have suggested I do. What the fuck. 

August can be difficult

So we had to buy a new car as the old one was a company car and I had to give it back.

I wanted a Tesla but in the end the chargers are not yet spread enough in this country for it to make sense. I thought we were going to get a Mercedes Class A, went to the shop and Husband started blubbering about a CLA.

At this point I stepped up - there is NO WAY we need such a big car. If that's the budget he had in mind, fine, we were going to get what I liked.

I chose this beauty:

(yes, it does have a hard top - I'm not nuts yet).

No we do not need 4 seats. 2 and a small trunk are absolutely enough.

And what if you need to move something large? I'll hire someone or rent a van

And what if you have a baby? Well, that's not happening, is it? And if it happens, last time I heard you get quite a few months of notice - more than enough to sell the car a buy a larger one.

So we drove off to the Italian and Swiss Alps for a short vacation. Frankly, it wasn't great. We worked too much during the vacation, I got a horrible period with all my body aching full time... The long story short is: i) I can't stand this periods thing any longer and want to get back to Nexplanon; ii) Alps are beautiful and everything, but we haven't been at the sea since Jan20 and I just want to have some peaceful time laying in sun on a beach, not having to climb mountains or anything.

So when we came back to my Parents place at the lake, since I have a few extra days off and Husband wants to go back to work, we decided that I'll stay at the lake a couple more days, working a bit in the morning (this will allow me to take it easy next week, rather than start with a hellish week) and in the afternoons I lay in sun on the inflatable mattress on the lake with Mom (the Panther). I'll also take the cat to the vet on Friday since he has a big lump on his shoulder that will have to be removed - poor kitty!

It's good to cool off a bit and relax, but if the Panther keeps telling me more than 10 times a day that I got horrendously fat and I REALLY REALLY need to drop weight, I might scream.

Summer day

The day ahead is a difficult one and I wake up grumpy. The monster's running wild inside of me, insecure and tired.

I have lunch with all the other equity partners in my group. Most of them had known the 22 years old me. I want them to know that I am the same person - I may be 45 pounds heavier, but I'm still me.

The simple fact I want them to understand this tells me how insecure I am.

I end up opting for a long white strapless dress that is completely okay for drinks on the beach and that is quite out of place in an office. Ironically, this cheers me up just a tiny bit because I will manage to achieve what I want: it doesn't matter that we have aged, I'm still the same person. And if you continue to judge me because I'm not wearing a bra, fine.

I walk towards the office in my flowing dress and sandals, and while I cross the park the sun is right in my face. I squint and look at two bunnies I must have scared, as they sprint away in the grass. I squint some more and the tall man jogging in my direction is my husband. The light is so blinding I squint some more as he approaches.

He stops to quickly drop a kiss on my lips, he's sweated and barely touches me, but I'm in plain sun and his smile when he looks at me tells me everything I need to know.

I resume my walk towards the office, conscious that I'll try to keep cherishing this moment through the day and to hold on to it through the difficult hours ahead.

work fattie, work

Welcome, we love you, we hate you, we love you
We want you, we need you - we wish we were like you
They say you're a saint, you're a whore, you're a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can't live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it's time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

(Garbage "Shut your mounth)

This feels very appropriate.

The partnership admission process started again and I'm in. They said I have a 50% chance. I have not told them I have just sold a €1million project.

Went to buy a pair of jeans today. I must start saying the truth at some point, so here it is: I started the year at my maximum weight ever: 160 pounds. Officially fat, for real, with a BMI of 25.4 and the lowest muscle mass ever. So far, I've only dropped 5 pounds.

I tried the jeans on and felt so ashamed.

Nothing but fat

I'm still around, but not much is happening.

Except for me gaining weight, my mother cooking for 10 when it's 5 of us eating, and then nagging at me for my being fat.

Oh, and for forking out an advance payment of €280k for the flat - the purchase will be final at the end of February. The only one that seems excited about this is my nephew Luke, but then again, he's a sweetheart.

because I'm going deeper and deeper, harder and harder, getting darker and darker

For some complicated and probably stupid reasons, I'm back in the city (illegaly, I might add, since we're still not allowed to travel) and alone (Husband left for southern Italy for work).

Perfect time for a little fasting by the way, and I went to bed all happy and excited, looking forward to my scale in the morning because the first day of fasting always brings incredible joys.

At 1.30 I woke in such agony that it took me 5 minutes to manage to stand. I felt like a hot piece of rod had been somehow inserted at the base of my spine, and my hips were pulsing in waves of pain. I felt nauseous from the pain, and I didn't even want to puke since I had not eaten in 30 hours and I knew it would not help anyway.

I managed to swallow some ibuprofen and ti lay down on my belly, with the pillow propped under my hips, since this somewhat helps with my back ache, but the trouble is it's not a position that fits well with my swollen nose from the allergies.
Tossing and turning, I made it till morning, when I saw my reflection in the mirror and I honestly thought "I've got it. I've got this fucking Covid and I'm going to die alone, like my father in law".
My face was so swollen and the pain so bad, I had such trouble breathing...
But no temperature, and trust me I almost cried when I checked.

Even the scale numbers dropping by 2.4lbs in 24 hours were meaningless.
In any case I had never been this heavy and fat before, so nothing to rejoice I guess.

The real trouble is, I don't have much to look forward. I've been relatively okay at home for the past few months (resulting in fat fat fat fat accumulating).
But then what?
Work will never be the same again. I've been through one crisis before, and even worse, I already knew before the covid that I was not going to make it to equity partner.

So I don't really look forward to the "back to normal". I am not so keen on everyone at work finding out I've become fat.

Last weekend it was Vivien's birthday, and she's been dead for almost two years - I can hardly believe it
I'll never forget you my friend. I'll never know if it was an accident or if you've simply had enough, but I miss you and I'll still do my best to carry on.

Where are you now?

As I get fatter and fatter, I yearn for that vocation, that calling, that muse I used to be able to follow.

All my life I longed to be skinny, but now it's a cry within my soul, hidden deep under the fat. And now I wonder, Ana, where have you been, and will I ever see you again? You've been a gift, for better and for worse, but now you seem to have gone.