a time for changes

despite not trusting my father's scale, I gave in and stepped on it.
The number was the highest I've ever seen in my life.
However, this was a bit of a wake up call. I finally started restricting and despite everything I'm managing to stay positive.

we'll be spending a day at our place in the city over the weekend and then come back here, so I'll recover my scale.

Lockdown update: we are now allowed to go for a walk, but that's pretty much it. My office will probably be closed until OCTOBER. Not positive on that

Following the roadmap

Strangely, I'm keeping on with the diet.
Granted, I never manage to follow it literally: from Monday to Friday I tend to have 1 day when I eat a tiny bit more than I should (since I end up having lunch with someone for work), and 4 days in which I eat way less than I should (no lunch and very little for dinner).
I do not drink all the proteins I should - it is impossible for me.
Then from Saturday evening to Sunday night I binge (and sometimes puke on Sunday nights).

Following this unhealthy roadmap, I dropped almost 5 kg (a bit more than 10 pounds). And somehow I am at the lowest weight over the past 12 months. I also lost 6cm of waist and 2 at my right tight level.

When I started the diet I ordered a bikini from lovekini

In 9 days we're flying to Maldives for a week off - of course I had hoped to be below 60kg (132 pounds) but it looks like it's impossible (I'm 62.9kg now, thus 138.7lbs).
Still, better than last summer and of course I shall resume the diet as soon as I'm back.

Workwise, it is now clear I'll not become equity partner this year. Hopefully next one, meanwhile I need to bring my skinny me back

In my secret life

Although I had at least 200kcals of French fries last night (due to celebrations with an old friend), I am still losing, and I woke up this morning at 134lbs (60.8). I’m dropping 250gr on average on good days (c.0.6lbs).

Depending on my mood, it feels somewhere between barely okay and definitely not enough.

But could I possibly drop faster? Considering I’m working every day well over 12 hours, up to 15? I mean, I even went to the gym 4 times so far this week.

Every time I step in front of a mirror, I expect to see the skinny girl I used to be. Instead I get a blobby mess staring back at me. I proved to be capable to go down to 118lbs (54kg) last year, but that’s still 18.9BMI. Still blobby.

What I want is what I used to be as a teenager: 104lbs. 47kg. 16.5 BMI.

The only time in my adult life I got back to that weight, I screwed up work, and that I can’t do. Because even if no money is no food, I need a place to live, I need to pay the gym fee, I need nourishment for my soul.

Somehow, after all this time, I’m still waiting for a miracle to come.