The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)

Lucy at the gym

Do you remember that ana song?

Lucy at the gym
she's there everytime I go
and I don't go that often
so she must live at the gym.

This is how my coworkers talk about me, lately.
I currently have two subscriptions to two different gyms. At one I go with Husband in the morning; at the other (next to the office) I go over lunch break.
I'm training 7 to 9 times a week. Running, swimming and HIIT/Tabata. Fuck I even got a Personal Trainer.
I have about one month to waist (hopefully by mid March I'll have a new job): let's make the best of it right?
Also it's the only thing restraining me from losing it completly at my current work.

Keep on Lucy, keep on working working.....

Fuck off moon

After everyone else in the world, I finally got this fucking respiratory infection that's been running around the whole month. Husband caught it on his way back from Colorado (which of course was on the day Delta airlines fucked up, and needless to say he was flying Delta). Then we spent a couple days in the Swiss Alps, and 3 days in central Italy by the seaside (before the earthquake luckily) with fat friends.
On a side note, modesty on Italian beaches is unknown. I'm not criticizing (I would totally stay naked if that was acceptable, but even topless is totally unacceptable) but most girls (even fat ones) wear brazilians or string bikinis which are totally unflattering for most.
I did not gain, but I did not lose either.
On the sunny side, I'm back to being the white knight of the company at work (actually, I've even been enrolled for the stock option plan, which involves like 12 people out of 1800 - cute huh?).

Back o how I'm feeling - I've been at a different gym where mirrors are angled in such a way one gets a full view of one's back. I almost burst in tears. I knew my tights are huge, but... well..

And so last night I dreamed for the millionth time the same old memory, the time when B (who fucked my life over 11 years ago) told me "you no longer have the hot body you had when we got together". (by the way when he told me that I was a good 710 pounds lighter than I am now)

Fuck off moon, since that mess
Since that unlucky night
How long has it been moon? It feels like being left outside

I wonder what happened to the skinny girl I was
and to that bastard I still want

How long has it been moon, since I lost it
I even buried my heart
What happened to me?
I bade myself farewell

How bad it feels being so lonely
In these nights of damned dreams

What happened to her,
What did we make of ourselves?
What happened to the Lord: did he also bid farewell to us

Not making any sense

At the gym this morning - at the fourth km, almost passed out. Had to stop running.
Jogged 20km last Sunday with Husband and two friends. It was a slow jog, on a trail (with lots of ups and downhill), we took it easy and completed in 2h30'.

Weight is plateaud
whatever.

Allergy is taking over me.
8 days and I'll be in Crete.
Falasarna, Elafosissi, Samaria Gorges. Can't wait.

The word Falasarna is so ancient its meaning is lost; civilization existed there so long ago it's not even Greek. Yet, today, it's almost wild, inhabited. to me, Falasarna means paradise.

Also, found out the Spain thing is all a misunderstanding.

Falasarna

Elafonissi

This point of the Samaria Gorge is called Sideroportes (The Iron Gates). Makes me thing of Moria gates

Don't forget your vitamins, your water and your km to run. And say goodbye to Grandfather

My Grandfather finally passed away yesterday.
There's nothing there to be said, besides that at least he went in peace.

I've been good with my training program. I'm running 21km per week (gonna increase that progressively, but I don't think I'll get above 25km). Basically I run 5 to 7km twice weektime early in the morning and 10km on Sunday afternoons. On top, I do pull-ups, abs and lounges after running, and I do the 30days shred by Jillina Michales twice during the week. (Basically it's 3 circuits, each with 3min strength, 2min cardio and 1min abs, but it is intense).

S is gonna be in Rome for the next two weeks; I expect a significant upside for my restricting, although I will join him next weekend and man, Roman food is the most exquisite in the world, so that may be dangerous.

On Saturday I went shopping and refused to purchase trousers - until I lose a lot of weight, that is.

I started 2014 at 140.4lbs (63.7kg, BMI22.3) . SHAME ON ME

I'm currently at 135.6lbs (61.5kg, BMI 21.5).

On April 6 I'm running a 10km run with my boss. My goal is 55 minutes. My weight goal is to be 57kg by then, and 55kg bu May15 (when I'll go to Crete on vacation).

This is achievable. It is. So yes, water, vitamins and training.

Run like hell

Ran 6 miles last night (10km). Fast (at least fast for me)
I had not run further than 4 miles since before the wedding (in August) due to hip problems first and laziness afterwards.
Am ridiculously proud of myself.
Weight wise though, things are not going well.
Bah

get comfortablewith being uncomfortable

On the morning of the wedding, I was chatting with my hairdresser. (who at 50, has the hottest body in town).
We were talking about girls who like, 1 month before the wedding, decide to grow their hair. HAHAHAHA
and then she said
"It's like chicks who start dieting in June in order to get a bikini body for July".

This is so true.
That's why I started the 30days shred again, last Sunday (that and yeah, I look like an overweight hippo)

But I can'ìt stop loving Jillian Michaels when she creams "You should feel you abs on FIRE!!!!!"

The doctor said..

I can train. At least, that's what he thinks. I'm allowed to do:
-10min on the elliptical, OR
-10min swimming (crawl or back)
AND
limited squats
AND unlimited pull ups (a if I could do unlimited pull uos...)
AND certain kind of abs crunches

facepalm

basically, this is NOTHING compared to my July training schedule.

ABSOLUTE BAN of: running, stairs, rowing machine, lounges and most of plank exercise.

I shit you not loveys.

In addition, I'm undergoing a therapy that is extremely painful and leaves blues all over my hips and legs - someone at the gym even asked me if I'd been in a car accident yesterday.
Anyway, I'll try to work on the arms and shoulders...sigh...

MRI outcome

The not so bad news is I did not gain weight over the weekend. I trained, ate about one thousand deep fried pumpkin flowers, one shit ton of salad, and somehow, maintained.

The bad news is, I got my MRI scheduled on Monday, and the outcome is, while the bones are fine (which is good I admit), the tendons of both my hips are not fine.
And this means, I'm supposed to stop training.

Now, this is not going to happen.
I'm getting married in 35 days and I'm supposed to fit into that fucking tight dress I bought.

The upside is they gave me different painkillers which are also supposed to smooth the problem, and those DO work, so finally I'm walking almost like a normal girl.
Also, I'm seeing a physiotherapist on weekends.

I did drop the 30 days shred at day 24 (many of the moves hurt too much), and I cannot run.
I have picked up the 6pack6weeks by Jillian Michaels, and I'll try to do the elliptical machine at the gym.
Honestly, this whole thing pisses me off so much I can't even tell you.

Stop training for one month means throwing away months of fatigue and sweat. I hate it! 

30 days shred challenge - update

I have been consistently training over the last 11 days.
in addition to the daily dose of 30daysshred, I went running 4 times (although only 4 or 5 miles each time).

Yesterday I moved to level 2 of the 30DS

thoughts: I positively hate Jillian Michaels
I have only dropped 1 pound, but then again I have to admit bingeing a lot last week.

Last night I could't do the whole lev2, I had to stop for about 30 seconds of the second strength circuit because I had cramps in my right leg.

While I will have to skip Saturday because we'll be at S mom place by the sea, I do mean to keep up with the challenge and complete it, with this one time exception.

Friend or foe. Jillian Michaels

Maria, my best friend, my biggest foe.

Maria is my best friend, and she still lives in France, where we met. We shared so much, but last year she fell deeper and deeper into a horrible depression. While my feelings towards her were unchanged, at a certain point I almost stopped reaching out for her, because every time we spoke on the phone she would end up sobbing louder and louder until excusing herself and hanging up. It got to a point where I realized that talking to me would only stir certain feelings that were probably best left alone.

This did not stop me from visiting her last December, where I met a poor shadow of my friend, weighting barely 38 kg (BMI 16.4).

Around spring, she slowly started getting better. She goes out, started a new class of capoeira, blah blah.

she came over the weekend to visit, and well, she did hit 40 kg. which puts her BMI at 17.3 (she is short and tiny).

I love her and really hope she keeps getting better.
But shopping with her? pure nightmare.


On a side note, I've started the 30 days shred program by Jillian Michaels, on top of my regular training. I'll let you know the results.

Try

It's funny how appetite can be deceiving, more than just a couple times..
Where there is food there is gonna be a fail
Where there is a fail someone's bound to feel fat
But just because it hurts it doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try...

(P!nk is always a massive motivation for me)

I did binge over the weekend, but it doesn't matter, because work keeps me so busy I never manage to eat for more than 20 consecutive seconds during the week. So by Wednesday morning I'm always back to pre-weekends weight.

Fitness wise things are not good though - I simply do not have the time. Haven't been on facebook for weeks either, so I feel it's legitimate heck I'm not even posting here! But I still hate it. This weekend I have lined up one solo massive training (sans S) of at least 2.5 hours, and one massive training with S.
In the meanwhile, my old rheumatism is back and I'm hurting like crazy.

I have guests on Saturday for dinner. I'm ccoking meat (so that I cannot eat it). I guess I'll allow myself some wine and mostly I'll stick to weed / coke (depending on what turns the party takes). Don't blame me.. I am hurting after all, and painkillers don't work with empty stomach.

Lots of love to you all!!

lowest weigh of 2012

58.9kg. 129.9 lbs. BMI: 20.6.

Lowest weight of this year (so far).
I'm doing good.
Worked out last night (boot camp at home), went to the gym this morning (ran 7km (4.2 miles) fast), did pull-ups and abs).
This is the current routine:
6.15 - alarm goes off. Snooze it.
6.25 alarm again. Wake up and stumble out of bed.
three times a week I then go to the gym, stepping in at 7 AM. at 8.50 I'm at work.
the other days, I make coffee, go back to bed for breakfast and at 8 I'm at work.
Lunch is either sashimi or tuna salad.
I leave work somewhere between 9 and 11 PM
If I'm home by 10PM, I do half an hour of training with some DVD
I usually chunk down a little something - greens, or even 200kcals in carbs if I have trained at least once during the day (which usually is the case).

And then, bed.

S is away for work, and he'll spend away mondays to fridays for the next 3 months. I can see skinny-ness approaching.

Boot camp

Too busy to blog gals.... I want to put together a wedding thinspo, but in the meanwhile, check out this:

Amazing boot camp

I'll start this tonight (on top of my usual work-out at the gym)
Please let me know if anyone wants to join me!
I'll start the training program tonight, after Xmas I'll consider the food plan (depending on how I'm doing with the weight). I'd love to have someone to share the motivation with!

xoxo

Plans

Next summer will ROCK.

I'm probably going here

And I'm going to be THIS skinny

So, everything will be perfect


(oh, and Mom? last night when I told you I'm not going to have kids, I wasn't lying. Sorry!)

38 days away

In 38 days I'll be flying to Kathmandu.
Nepal will never lose its charm to me, and I long for the time to come.

This year we have planned a very beautiful trek which also very... challenging.

I realized two things:
1. I'm 62 kilos and that's too heavy for what I'll be doing
2. I'm not trained enough.

So I started putting more miles on the treadmill, and I'll need to train real hard over the next 37 days. Which, of course, will be overall a good thing.

Civil War - part II

What we've got here is failure to communicate.
some men, you just can't reach..

Wolverine has put his 2 weeks. He's leaving. My boss is leaving and I'll be damned, for now nobody's gonna stand up for me when promotion time comes, or when salary raise time comes and so on. The whole team I devoted myself to over the last 12 months has left!!!
And he didn't even warn me. I thought we were friends, I really did.

(all these dreams are swept aside)

In the meanwhile, I spent 4 consecutive days stuffing my face with food, proceeded weighting myself this morning, proceeded choking when the scale showed up 137.1lbs, proceeded hitting the gym and running 10km (6miles) at a good pace, and then here at work. UGH. My life needs improvement.

I hope you're all doing good!

I don't need your civil war!

..and I don't feel fine.

part of the division I work in is leaving. Not as in a spin off: each Director and Partner is seeking a different job on their own.
The problem is, our division is deeply fractured by an internal civil war.
The problem is, I belong to the part that has lost the war and that is leaving.

I didn't chose side: they simply started planning me on their jobs (Wolverine especially), and then the others started thinking that I belonged to Wolverine and eventually I was "marked".
This was okay in the past, I mean, my choice would have been different but I did find my place so I thought it would work.
But now Wolverine and his gang are dropping dead like flies at the end of the summer, and I don't know what will become of me.

(remind yourself, that you can't trust freedom when it's not in your hands
and everybody's fighting for their promised land!
I don't need your civil war!!!
It feeds the rich, while it buries the poor!
...look at the leaders we follow,
look at the lies we swallowed)


Luckily, Steve belongs to the other side, so at least the risk is balanced.
But I really don't know what I'm going to do. This happens with the worst possible timing: the job market here is non existent right now.


On a more positive note, Wolverine prepared me a new training schedule which is VERY hard, but so far I'm managing to stick to it. There it goes:

Day 1 - 10km running at 10.5km/hour. No stops allowed
Day 2 - 2km warm up; 10 times 400mt at 12.5km/hour, with intervals of 1minute and 30 seconds between each 400mt, walking at fast pace (6-6.5km/hour)
Day 3 - two times 5km or 3 times 3km, at 11.5km/hour.
Extra day: 1 hour of cardio

Let's hope this will boost my metabolism.
Weight is stable. At least I'm not gaining. Am kinda worried about Xmas, but I really hope to manage to put in some extra training sessions.

On Scarsdale

Previously of Waiting for the Miracle

It seems that my family is determined to spend most of their spare time telling me how fat I've become. This is even more weird given the fact they keep stuffing my face with food whenever I'm at the Parents' place. The Panther (aka Mom, who, FYI, is overweight) keeps bugging me, then comes up with healthy plans such as:

- having dinner at 11.30PM on Saturday

- Sunday lunch: fried pumpkin flowers (about 10 each), homemade mayo (about a lot too much each).

The only exception to this is Bro, who as always is skinny as a bitch, but who thinks a BMI between 21 and 22 is nobody's business but mine. I love Bro: he understands and never ever criticizes when I'm fasting, and he doesn't bug me when I'm fat.

Now

As much as it may hurt my feelings, the parents are right. I look horrible.

Since nothing else seems to work, I have decided to (temporarily) give up my principles. I've been vegetarian over the last 6 years, but I'm going on Scarsdale diet.

Started yesterday, am loosing already, but let's also keep in mind yesterday I've hit the gym twice (yeah, 2 times), burning over 1000kcals only on cardio.

In the meanwhile, I won't be at the Parents' place for two weeks, so I really hope to drop enough to shut them up by the time I'll go there. So, scarsdale.

Start weight: 138lbs / 62.6kg (BMI: 21.9) (shame on me)

Day 2: 136.5lbs /61.9kg (BMI: 21.7) (still disgusting)

14 days Goal: 120lbs / 54.5kg (BMI: 19.1) (a little bit better, still far from my ideal weight of 110lbs or 50kg)

(oh, and let's be honest, 99lbs / 45kg would be even better)

I really hope this Scarsdale thing works.

Love you lots

Wolverine is going to kill me

Let's start from the good things: I trained hard both yesterday and this morning.

That's all.

The bad things now.

Steve's flying to see me tonight, and we both took the next two days off from work, to have some quality time, arrange the painters that need to re-paint my flat, a job interview (him, not me unluckily), get out of the city for two days and so on.

Wolverine, my boss, just canceled my days off, so I'll have to stay and work. Needless to say, Steve's furious.

The only good thing is, I'm working 14 hours a day and skipping meal after meal. I just had a cup of strawberry for lunch today (air for breakfast).

Let's hope this will start to show at some point, so far I'm still a fat whale at 134,9lbs (61,2kg).

Fuck my life....