Cloudy eclipse

 August 13 and my summer vacation is yet to start. But enough feeling miserable.

We moved to my Parents' place by the lake on Tuesday as S was fed up with the city. The minute we got here he started complaining. it's too warm (it is), the air is filled with smoke from the fires (it is), the Canadairs plunging in the lake a few yards from my Parents house are noisy (they are), he is bored as I'm working all day (he is and I am). Between him and the Panther claiming my attention, my capability to work is seriously impaired. neither seem to realize that if they gave me 6-7 solid hours for two consecutive days I'd be done. Instead they interrupt me every 15 minutes, each time setting me back (I do need to focus to get work done). I'm exhausted.

On the flip side of the coin:

- S is training me like crazy despite lacking the home gym. He prepares a daily plan that is either HIIT or pure strength and I'm sore all over which is good

- yesterday a family friend came into the backyard while we were training and she was like "Oh my God, you have a sick pack!!" (not true but still made my day)

- last night I had organized a family picnic with Bro and his family, Parents and us on top of a neaby mountain to have dinner and watch the solar eclipse. We got to see about 20% of the eclipse, then as luck would have it ONE SINGLE CLOUD came in and obscured the sun. But we did have an amazing time, all together

I'm eating too much and cannot weight myself which worries me but hey, it's August. at worst I'll have to diet more in September. I'll get back to work...

Song for this post: "The Spectre" by Alan Walker

Nights

While he sleeps, he lays there, so tall and broadshouldered, and yet so vulnerable.

He moans in his sleep, and mutters something about his leg aching. Yet he is not awake, and as I see his distress becoming more and more evident, I try to soothe him.
Incredibly, he does not wake, but still gently caressing his back, his shoulders and his head, murmuring softly in his ear that everything is fine and that he'll feel better in the morning works.
He recovers his inner peace and proceeds into a more calm, quiet, (deeper?) sleep phase.

This always works with him.

Touch me when I'm sleeping, or even just lightly step in the room, or whisper a single word, and I'm fully wake.

Later in the night I wake as he shifted in bed  and is kissing my arm so softly. For a second I wonder what on earth possessed him to wake me at three AM, and again I realized he's fast asleep.

And I love him I love him



And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me.
We both knew it.
And as the years went on, things got more difficult - we were faced with more challenges.
I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning. He is charismatic, magnetic,
electric and everybody knows it. When he walks in, everyone's head turned, everyone stands up
to talk to him. He is like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself.
I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way I understood him
and I loved him.
I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.
And I still love him.
I love him.

overwhelmed

I just..

I don't know

I can't keep up with this anymore



Been working over the last three weekends in addition to full week.

70 hours this week and it's only Saturday (Italian week goes from Monday to Sunday)



I never have time to eat - I end up fasting without even wanting it. This is very triggering. I'm not even hungry anymore. I just have a constant headache. Been having it for 10days now.



I drink fresh grapefruit juice at aperitivo and avoid eating.



I blurted out to a close friend (who is skinny and not pro-ana, Lord bless her): "I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to stop eating entirely."



Over the past week I usually had milk and cereals at breakfast, and sometimes a boiled egg for dinner. I also once ate 15gr of parmesan cheese, and one 0%fat, no sweeteners greek yoghurt.



(Sie kommen zu euch in der Nacht, Demonen (...) Schwartze Feen)



at least BMI is finally below 20.

I hate my German client. I hate him on so many levels I have a hard time restraining myself from insulting him in German all the time.

(insulting in German is so liberating)

I am despicable.

Mein Herz bMein Hertx brennt rennt!!!!







Now dear kids

listen carefully

I'm the voice from under the pillow

I brought something along

(...)

with this very heart I did it (...)

I'll sing 'till day breaks

A burning star from the sparkling firmament





I am so in love with Stefano, and yet I can't help my fear that thing may not work.He was away last week, now he's back. If he figures out I'm not eating, things may get out of control.



I don't wanna go back to eating

I just don't

Ishould have stayed in Crete

Back to reality, work hits hard on me
At this precise moment my promotion is being discussed. I should have an unofficial answer by the end of the day.
I feel like puking.

In the meanwhile, my main sponsor at work told me how at Partner's meeting, a Partner said "Yeah, but the fact she married S is bound to be a problem. Eventually, we'll have to chose him instead of her, and she's gonna have a bad influence on him"
Seriously?
1. we are not the only married couple in this office and were not the first. we don't work on same projects. there is no fucking problem.
2. besides, this is unfair on so many levels, I don't even want to start sorting them out

this in a company where last month was dedicated to Diversity celebration.

fuck you assholes.

weightwise, things are slow as fuck but at least going in the right direction.
127.4lbs this morning (57.8kg). BMI 20.2

Not making any sense

At the gym this morning - at the fourth km, almost passed out. Had to stop running.
Jogged 20km last Sunday with Husband and two friends. It was a slow jog, on a trail (with lots of ups and downhill), we took it easy and completed in 2h30'.

Weight is plateaud
whatever.

Allergy is taking over me.
8 days and I'll be in Crete.
Falasarna, Elafosissi, Samaria Gorges. Can't wait.

The word Falasarna is so ancient its meaning is lost; civilization existed there so long ago it's not even Greek. Yet, today, it's almost wild, inhabited. to me, Falasarna means paradise.

Also, found out the Spain thing is all a misunderstanding.

Falasarna

Elafonissi

This point of the Samaria Gorge is called Sideroportes (The Iron Gates). Makes me thing of Moria gates

30 days shred challenge - update

I have been consistently training over the last 11 days.
in addition to the daily dose of 30daysshred, I went running 4 times (although only 4 or 5 miles each time).

Yesterday I moved to level 2 of the 30DS

thoughts: I positively hate Jillian Michaels
I have only dropped 1 pound, but then again I have to admit bingeing a lot last week.

Last night I could't do the whole lev2, I had to stop for about 30 seconds of the second strength circuit because I had cramps in my right leg.

While I will have to skip Saturday because we'll be at S mom place by the sea, I do mean to keep up with the challenge and complete it, with this one time exception.

The Deal

I have very little time and I'm quite absent from Blogger lately.
But I feel I have to share this.

I'm getting Married!!

now, you all now I'm as happy as one can be and bla bla

The thing is: now I have no excuses. In order to fit into the dress (which I already have, long story for another day), I need to lose a lot of weight.
Let's start!

xoxo

Plans

Next summer will ROCK.

I'm probably going here

And I'm going to be THIS skinny

So, everything will be perfect


(oh, and Mom? last night when I told you I'm not going to have kids, I wasn't lying. Sorry!)

Heaven

Dear lovelies,

Autumn has come, and within 30 days S is moving back home, leaving the UK for good and coming home with me.

I can't tell you how happy I am. These 12 months have been hard on me, and I have missed him dearly. Now we will be back to our old routine, waking up together, walking to work together, sharing lunch with our friends, cuddling on the couch at night... oh I can't wait!!

Now our dreams are coming true

through the good times and the bad,

I'll be standing here by you!

And baby you're all that I want

when you're lying here in my arms,

I find it hard to believe: we're in heaven!

In the meanwhile, although we don't really celebrate halloween down here, I'm putting together a little halloween thinspo... I'll try to post it tomorrow!

Namasté. I'm back, but where is my shadow?

On October 4, I left Italy and flew to Kathmandu, via Delhi.

I left in the form of an ugly cow (not a sacred one), with my awful 135lbs and 21.4BMI (61.2kg).

I decided I had to live this journey, and I mean to really live it and stop thinking about my body.

It was a physical and spiritual journey, hiking almost 200km, from 800mt to 5416mt, walking through the Himalayan peaks that surround the Annapurna, walking with people from many countries.

We started from the rain forest, surrounded by huge butterflies and monkeys, walked through higher woods, where a musk deer suddenly crossed our path one morning at dawn, reached the pine trees, where long donkey caravans carried all kind of objects.

Then we've seen the Tibetan refugees harvesting buckwheat in the sunset, while we made prayer wheels spin, we hiked more, where no more trees grew and yaks are bred, and then climbed up until we reached the ice.

Finally, after the pass at 5.416 (Thorong La), we started the descent through Mustang and the Kali Gandaki, walked some more through a sand storm, and then, it was over.

I will post some pics, but it will take 10 days or so before I get them.

I did lose a little (am currently 132.9lbs, BMI 21.1 (60.3kg), but I think I also gained some muscle weight.

S is moving back from London at some point around the end of November.

In the meanwhile, we all know what I need to do, n'est ce pas?

PS Marcus, did you erase the blog or something? I miss you my friend.

I tasted the answer and my body was weak

Let’s start again.

Summer is over, I’m back to work, another year is starting. I got my promotion (yay).

Summer is still here, with 36° (97F) outside, no AC at my place, and worst of all, me at 138lbs (62.6kg), BMI 21.9 (disgusting).

Now it’s time for a fresh start. I don’t have any promotion in sight this year, and I won’t let work ruin my body anymore. I need to train pronto, since on October 4 I’m leaving for Nepal, where I’ll spend 2 weeks trekking around the Annapurna with dad.

Vacation was dedicated to family and mountaineering (1^st week, including climbing Monte Rosa as I mentioned, up to 4.554mt or 14.941ft), and then to quality time with S, love of my life (2^nd week, which included some hiking, a lot of sunbathing and even more love making).

All in all, I loved my vacation. I am fat, but I will get better very soon. I know I can do it, as I did it in the past. I have faith in me, and I have faith in you all, lovelies. I am still catching up with your blogs, so if I haven’t commented on your blog yet, I will do it soon.

I love you all and I really hope you’re having a good time. I’m sending you strength and encouragement.