How could I fuck up so badly?

I, once again, am not going to make it to equity partner this year. Nor ever.

My boss very kindly (sarcasm dripping) explained that next year it'll be me for sure, but this year they're already making a female equity partner in Spain (we are grouped with Spain and Portugal), so they're keeping me to fill the female quota next year. Also, they're making equity partner a kid whose father is in Government, so that is very important.

Finally, I shall not despair because if the firm at global level forces us to make a female partner it will be me.

I kid you not, this is what he told me.

Incidentally, he told me something on the same lines last year. I am NOT waiting for another year working like this. What's left of my humanity would be destroyed. And between you and I, I don't think I'll grow a penis in one year and thus be allowed to join the fucking boys club.

And I'm so silly, I, at least, expected my husband to understand the kind of grief I'm going through.

Instead, being a man, he simply said it doesn't matter, that I can do something else, become a mom and so on.

He made it, but somehow he can't understand how much more I have had to endure (and how longer - I've been doing this for 15 years).

He doesn't understand how it feels to remember all the pride I've had to swallow. All the times I've been judged - too aggressive, not enough aggressive. Too sexy, not sexy enough. Gained weight - means she can't manage the pressure. The time a partner told a client and of my team in front of me that I was perfect when I was sitting, since my head was at the same height as his dick.

So long, so much, for what? Nothing.

The urge to stop eating and indulge in self harming had not been this strong since I was 23. But then again, I was already doing this job back then.

What if?

Be careful of what you wish for, my brain whispers me. I know the brain is right.
I seems that, maybe, if everything goes well, blah blah blah, I may be promoted to non equity partner in two months. It's the step before making it.



Allow me a flash-back.
I started working in this specific Big4 when I was 22. I was the youngest, the silliest, the hottest, the skinny bitch who knew nothing but was willing to work VERY hard. I was assigned to a senior manager that we'll call from now on Humbert (Lolita?). He was very demanding, and in the beginning I went home crying a lot at night. Over the following months, B. broke my heart, and although everything seemed a nightmare, Humbert came to appreciate me and supported me at work.
When, not even having spent one year in the firm, I moved to the French office, everyone was angry with me at work, but before I left Humbert called me into his office and encouraged me to keep in touch and to make the most of the experience, and promised I could come back at any time.
Surely neither of us thought that I would come back working for the firm some 12 years later! But that's what happened about one year ago. The firm welcomed me back, and is willing to bet on me. I'm good, granted, but I'm also aware that they need to make female partners, and not many are well positioned as me and my two friends at work to make it :-)


So what am I afraid of?
i) my targets will spike - I know that this year (ending June 30) I'll end up exceeding by far my targets, but I'm cautious about how I can deliver more. Truth is, Humbert (who is now senior partner) is helping me a lot with my sales target. He will keep doing it - if he can. Should the internal political situation change however, his support may no longer be meaningful

ii) will husband be proud enough for me and not feel belittled? This may sound stupid, but hey, this is Italy. My man made it to equity partner - in a Tier 2 firm. Will it be okay for him to have a wife who makes it in a Tier 1 firm?

iii) as much as I want to make it, I know that the partner's daily job is something I like less than my current daily job. I wasn't born to be a salesman, I'm more into the operating part of the job.

iv) Matt, a friend who's one year ahead of me in the process (he'll get promoted to equity partner in June) is now 140kg. That's 308lbs for you Americans. He only uses food to sooth himself, while, let's face it, I am more creative. I (ab)use a mix of a bunch of stuff, most notably wine, pain killers, food, running (less and less these days), and to a much lower extent, drugs. But you guys already know my point: is this sustainable?

Long story short - I'm already planning to rent out Just Cavalli private club to throw the promotion party. I just need to lose weight. And I'm seriously considering a Liposuction.

I'm invincible, yeah I win every single game
I'm so confident, yeah I'm unstoppable today