How could I fuck up so badly?

I, once again, am not going to make it to equity partner this year. Nor ever.

My boss very kindly (sarcasm dripping) explained that next year it'll be me for sure, but this year they're already making a female equity partner in Spain (we are grouped with Spain and Portugal), so they're keeping me to fill the female quota next year. Also, they're making equity partner a kid whose father is in Government, so that is very important.

Finally, I shall not despair because if the firm at global level forces us to make a female partner it will be me.

I kid you not, this is what he told me.

Incidentally, he told me something on the same lines last year. I am NOT waiting for another year working like this. What's left of my humanity would be destroyed. And between you and I, I don't think I'll grow a penis in one year and thus be allowed to join the fucking boys club.

And I'm so silly, I, at least, expected my husband to understand the kind of grief I'm going through.

Instead, being a man, he simply said it doesn't matter, that I can do something else, become a mom and so on.

He made it, but somehow he can't understand how much more I have had to endure (and how longer - I've been doing this for 15 years).

He doesn't understand how it feels to remember all the pride I've had to swallow. All the times I've been judged - too aggressive, not enough aggressive. Too sexy, not sexy enough. Gained weight - means she can't manage the pressure. The time a partner told a client and of my team in front of me that I was perfect when I was sitting, since my head was at the same height as his dick.

So long, so much, for what? Nothing.

The urge to stop eating and indulge in self harming had not been this strong since I was 23. But then again, I was already doing this job back then.