work hard, get fucked harder

This was an accident, not the kind where sirens sounds: even though I'd noticed I'm suddenly crumbling.
Tell me how you've never felt delicate or innocent?

Do you still have doubts that us having faith make any sense?

Staring at my photograph, everything now in the past, I never felt so lonely, I wish that you could show me love

I am fucking with my own life and not even in a glamorous way.

And the worst part is I fear they may be fucking with me as well - and I may not achieve what I'm working so hard for, and fail, fail, fail.

Get fat e get fucked - that sounds like real good Lucy.

Back to old habits

Do you remember when you used to fast?

I didn't think I was any longer capable of fasting. The last time must have been in 2011 or maybe even before. Yet, somehow, I've been fasting for 62 hours, and I hope I can go on. The plan is keeping on until Friday night/Saturday morning.

Oh, I had forgotten entirely how deeply satisfying fasting can be!! In case you are wondering, I've had so far two detox drinks (spinach, fennel, celery and chia seeds), and a bowl of green salad (no oil, no sauce, just pure lettuce), which I do consider as fasting. In addition, I worked out twice (gym + running, and one Kayla ITsines BBG workout), and I plan to workout tonight as well (another Kayla Itsines session).

Let's face it, the only reasons I can actually make it are i) my husband is away/working all the time and has work dinners pretty much all week long, and ii) I'm doing nothing at work.

Work, by the way, is so bad right now I don't even want to talk about it.

Well let's see how long I can make it last. I kinda feel younger.

bad

Lana Del Rey is killing me

Work is killing me

Being fat is killing me

Kiss me all before you go, summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
that baby, you're the best

Mid year moderation meeting at work. Turns out I'm the best of my group. Yet, there may be no place for promotions. Which I already did not get last year.

I'm fat. I'm ashamed of my fatness.

Just wanna go back to when I was 16 and skinny
Living in the UK summertime with Kat, who really was the best at that time.

I really really really feel miserable in my body. I wish I could just no longer care about work and focus on training and dieting.

I cannot die, because then I'd stay fat forever. Nothing scares me more.

Kat is gone, my sweet 16 are gone, the time when I was skinny's gone.

All that's left is this fat sitting on my belly, on my bootie, on my legs, every fucking where.

Goodbye my friend

Goodbye my friend.

You have been a good companion, for 9 years you have been always there for us.
You were always home whenever I cam home, waiting for me on the door mat into your small house.

You were always ready to cuddle into my lap, ronfing yourself to sleep, pawning softly my legs.

9 years ago, in early September you came along, 20 days old, meowing in desperation after being abandoned. It was a lovely sunny day, just like yesterday.

You were so shy, you rarely left the garden.

Why did you have to cross the road yesterday?

To whomever hit you with the car:
I know sometimes accidents happens. But you should have stopped to ring my bell. I would have taken you 2 minutes. Instead you just kept driving, leaving Salomé dying there on the concrete. I hope you get run over by a car and that nobody helps you. I hope you lay there suffering too.

I found her laying outside the gate, she tried to come home. I looked to heartbeat and breath, but she was gone already.
I was so annihilated when some people passing by stopped looking at me, crouched by her, I screamed at them.

You were my first and only cat, and I'll never forget you. I miss you so much already, it hurts so badly.

Rest in peace Salomé, my beautiful and loved friend.

and I'm the only one to blame

it is never enough
whatever I do, it is never enough

I've dropped 2kg of fat over 7 days, yet I somehow managed to gain 1kg of water. screw me

I'm training hard, and most of the time I'm exhausted. I'm also not sleeping well, so on weekends, I try to get some rest through a nap or such. Dad just told me on the phone "I don't want to see you on the couch the whole weekend" (instead of saying "lovely that you're coming to visit").

And work, that's the worst.


when it's good then it's good it's so good
till it goes bad

I'm still trying to find the me I once had

In the rut

Allergie are killing me. I can't breathe, can't sleep, can't stay away, I just keep coughing.

131.2lbs
BMI: 20.8

disgusting.
Even the dietologist is unhappy with me.
I am most unhappy with myself.

Can I go to sleep and wake up in three months? please?

I need to stop eating.