More zombies please

 Believe it or not, just as I wrote my last post, that night Mischief reappeared. I am starting to think I have jinx powers - when I write here he disappears, he resurfaces. When I write here he's supposed to call he never does.

I also realize what this actually means: he's just not that into me and he probably writes and calls when he feels lonely or bored, or when he needs something from me.

In case you were wondering, he just randomly texted, it was late and I was with work friends at a champagne tasting experience which should have involved 6 wines and actually involved 12 glasses. It was a fun night overall, I sent him a pic of the glasses and then he went on bitching a bit about how he works too hard and has too many social nights with clients. As much as my heart kind of skipped a bit when I saw he was texting, I was overall unimpressed. I'll try not to initiate any conversation going forward (but the reality is that if I travel to the US I will text him, let's face it, even though he said he does not want to see me, because I apparently have 0 dignity - and I am likely to travel to the US in Autumn). 

On a different note, my training schedule still involves some elliptical machine sessions, which I especially love because I watch those films and shows that my husband is not keen on while doing this. I try to watch them in English (unless if they are French of course) to practice a bit. The thing is lately (after finishing Euphoria I should say) I have indulged in romance (One day, Before Sunset - which really struck, Notting Hill). I do not think this is good for me right now, so once I'm done with Notting Hills I shall go back to something violent an unromantic - my top pics are usually shows involving zombies, although I will re-watch Fuada in the autumn before the new season comes out. If you have recommendations, they're welcome! (I would love to watch Station Eleven as I adored the book, but it's not available in Italy).

Weight update: 60.3kg - 132.9lbs, BMI 20.9

Final appointment with the dietician in a week and I still have one kg to go - fingers crossed

Song for this post: "The Spectre" in the Alosa version

Jeans and clients

I lost count of the jeans I've bought and discarded this year as they were getting too loose. 

Last night I was talking to a client (my main and my favorite by far incidentally)  and he was commenting the counterparty requests on a deal we're working on and he said "it's like the thing you always say, right? about how anyone can lose 20kg by dieting but what we're buying is the current situation, not a hypothetical adjustment". And I said "so true! but I may need to change example because I lost 19 kg, you have not seen me in a while". And he was like "really??? are you like massively training, or dieting or both?" and I explained and honestly, I think it's the first time I realized that I have really lost 19 kg and in pounds the number is even more satisfying (42lbs).

If I'm being honest, I'm also more slim than I used to be at the same weight in the past - I think it is because I am doing a lot of strength training on top of cardio, and I never lifted in the past - my posture has improved as well.

Mischief has of course disappeared entirely, as expected. To Bath point, yes, he is married and has two teenage kids. I may also add that there was a bump in his marriage many years ago when he spent a night with a colleague, who later sent a letter to his wife informing her she had given him a blow job.

Which incidentally brings me to the BJ topic - I never understand if Americans are obsessed with blow jobs or if they simply don't get them at home? I realize it's my neurodivergent mind that dwells on these kind of topics, but I have come to peace years ago with the fact that my mind is wired differently than most people's.

Weight update: 60.8kg - 134lbs - BMI 21.0

Song for this post: "Dernière Danse" by Indila

Snap

So I'm snapping, one, two

Where are you?

You're still in my heart

Snapping, three, four

Don't need you here anymore

Get out of my heart

'Cause I might snap

Working on my goals (still supported by the elastic band though - is there an elastic band equivalent for my feelings?)

Weight: 61.3kg - 135lbs - BMI 21.2

Song: Snap! by Rosa Lynn

or maybe

 ... he's just not that into me.

Maybe I'm just old, fat and simply unattractive.

the end of Mischief

 Me: Mischief, can you find 5 minutes to talk?

Mischief: sure call me tomorrow - I'll be in the car 8AM to 8h30 

That was yesterday. My last ancestor passed on Sunday, she was my grandmother's sister but we always treated her like a grandmother and she was extremely close to my mother. She was 99 and she died weighting less than 55lbs (25kg). The poor woman had shrank to almost nothing.

The funeral was this morning so I went to the lake and even gave a speech at the funeral - I think this really made my mother happy, so at least there's that. Husband was super nice and drove with me. I admit I wasn't very emotional - to be honest, I have already grieved her, I know it sounds bad but I realized that this is how it works with me when people lose their minds. Also I believe in being there for people when they are alive, rather than at their funeral - but still, all went well.

We drove back and I admit I escaped to the office since husband was working from home. I did not want to be mean, but I thought it was time to close things with Mischief and I could not possibly do this while I was sitting in the same room with S.

So I called, he did not pick up but called back in a couple minutes. Small chatted for like 15 minutes, told me a lot about his plans, his upcoming vacation, business etc. When he asked me about my travel plans I said the reason I wanted to talk to him is I am figuring out whether to push or not to attend certain US meetings. I said

"I figured you did not want to see me two weeks ago when I was in NY so I did not call or ask, you were with your family and it would not have been a good idea."

and he was like "wait you were in NY? when?"

I said "July 1st and 2nd. I sent you a picture"

"Oh I did not realize you were there. I would have wanted to see you but you are probably right"

I said "Look it's fine but honestly - I want to see you but at this point, I need to understand if you do want to see me or not. For the sake of clarity, I would never try to mess up with your life or your family, but I know what I want. I believe we can work this out but in the end I need to know if you want it"

I knew this was not going well. He stayed quiet and then said "I do not think it's a good idea to see each other. I want to but I don't think we can handle this".

I said "Fine. I understand. I do not agree but I understand"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I would want to see, I do not want or wish anything crazy but I feel like I'm 17 when I'm with you and I think it's the same for you and this is not going to happen to me again, but I understand your motives so it's fine."

And then he was like "Wait so we're not friends anymore? You're like not gonna talk to me again?"

I said "Mischief, when have I ever not talked to you?" (inside my mind I was like what are you, 15 years old?)

He rumbled a bit more about how he wants to see me but thinks this is too difficult to manage and so on, and then thanks God he said he had a meeting and he had not realized I wanted to have this kind of conversation or else he would not have talked with such a short timeframe and basically the poor guy panicked. I said "Mischief, it's fine, don't worry - I also have a meeting to go. We're fine, don't worry"

And this was it.  I was a bit flushed by the end of the call, but to be honest I saw this coming and I cannot say I'm broken hearted. I get his motives, and I respect he prioritizes his family (trust me I do). If anything, I feel guilty for not doing the same, and I guess it's good that things are improving with husband. I am grateful that Mischief has seen me when I was still fat - this really boosted my self confidence which was in rugs at that time, and somehow it helped me losing weight.

I am also not ok, I dreamed about this, made plans and castles in the air, and now reality made me crush on earth, but it will be okay. I guess like all dreams it had to come to an end and I do not regret at all cornering him.

My next goals are:

- letting this very emotional day come to an end

- work on my relationship with husband

- work on my 6pack and drop the last 3kg

- incorporate certain exercises in my routine to improve strength in the right areas to be capable again of doing pull-ups

- keep up with what I'm doing at work, as I'm having my most successful year ever.

It's a lot but having goals is good. Let's start with item 1 on the list, I'll shoot a couple emails and sign off.

Song for this post: Don't cha by Pussycat Dolls

PS my belly piercing is healing nicely and did not give me any trouble at all!