All my life on my head (don't want to think about it)

 It's been a bit of a rough week. First my computer died on me on Wednesday, and after arguing with IT (they initially offered to give me a new one on June 25....) for a couple hours, I managed to grab one at 6PM, with most of the updates yet to be done but at least I'm relatively autonomous at this - I still lost almost a full day of work, and this is the busiest season of the year...

On Thursday I had a client event in the evening at one of the rooftops with the best cathedral view in the city - just as I was about to leave the office with two colleagues who were also attending, a (difficult) client of mine called screaming and threatening to sue the firm. Long story short, legal department (not mine) has made a mistake in sharing information, and client now wants their heads on a tray. Which is not something I can offer. I apologized profusely, called legal and ask them to deal with the mess. Fast forward to Friday morning 7h30AM (after a relevant number of gin tonics on Thursday night I shall add) client was already calling me, screaming, even more enraged than the previous night. Among other things I heard "we're going to sue everyone in the firm" "we're going to drag you in the dirt" "we will destroy your reputation" and much more. I took about 20 minutes and then calmly said "Look, I do understand you are furious and rightly so, I apologize again and I'm trying to work to fix this. At the same time, you've been working with me for over a year, and you always noted how good and professional my team was. Now as much as I understand your position, please try and also see mine: it's another team and another partner that made a mistake, and I'm taking all your frustration". He calmed a little but reinstated he wants this to escalate.

It was not a great day.

Mischief called me that night (he needed more help with his investment thing) and could see I was not in a very good place, he was nice at listening to what happened and trying to cheer me and shared some gossip from the US firm. I stayed away from any conversation about meeting each other or anything about the two of us, I was not calm enough to have this kind of conversation. I have also kind of decided to try and not be the one who initiates conversations - not sure I'll be capable to respect this decision, we'll see. I should also mention: he looked incredibly good. I kind of wanted to eat him. I think he just got a haircut, and he was tan and oh my God I wanted him. (at least I think I also looked good, I have a bit of tan, had my hair straightened and was wearing a shirt same color as my eyes)

I'm spending the weekend at the lake, trying to get a tan and spending some time with my parents. I drove here this morning, I put the car top down and just drove by the lake in the warm air and that was by far the best hour of the week. I normally hate driving but it felt good.

Weight update: yesterday I woke at 62.5kg - 138 pounds - BMI 21.5. But I may have been a but dehydrated, it's been consistently reaching 100F and Thursday night event was open air so...

Song for this post: "Disturbia" by Rihanna

Ad a pic of Thursday night - my arms are still big but overall I was not unhappy with the look

A big question, followed by a big silence

 Today I turn 44, which sounds unreal. I had a party at home last Friday night, and I must say I really felt loved and surrounded by friends. I know, most of these relationships stem from work, but the fact that people who stopped working with me years ago are still friends I see and talk to often and that they show they still care is somehow reassuring.

(my mother in my young years and then my husband always told me I have no friends and I never managed not to be hurt from their assessment).

The party went on from 7PM to midnight when I basically told the last few people it was time for them to go home, considering the amount of alcohol consumed :-)

Sunday I suggested that maybe husband and I could spend an extra half an hour in bed for some fun and was clearly met with a "no it's late I have to go to the gym and then I want to work a bit before lunch". ooooookay.

The rest of the weekend was spent tiding up, going to the gym, having lunch outside and working a bit - and talking to Maria who at least is going through phases now, sometimes she's obsessive and crying but sometimes seems to be more tranquil - and this is a big improvement from crying 24/7. I suspect I will probably have to talk to her every day at least until mid August when she gets to Italy but it's ok as long as she's making some progress. I wish I could convince her to seek professional help but she flatly refuses.

Mischief is.... I don't even know what to say. I ended texting my question and well, a big question was met by a big silence I would say. Well, that's not even true, I explained about the SF thing which blew up and something crazy that happened with a client and  wrote:

Me: "question is: if I happen to be in the US this summer/autumn, do you want to see me?"

Mischief: "That's crazy stuff. Yes call you Friday"

Then he disappeared, texted some random stuff yesterday and disappeared again.

Honestly I don't know. There are moments when I think I shall just tell him hey, let's meet in NY in a couple of weeks (he'll be there) and moments when I think "what the hell Lucy? the guy does not want you". The first kind of moments usually happen when I'm high from vaping.

I hate it when I cannot read a situation but I'm not sure if I cannot read it, or to quote my brother, if he's just not that into me. May be I just do not want to acknowledge the latter, but on one thing I trust my gut: I have never felt so alive in the past 20 years as I have with him, and I feel the same is true for him.

Weight: still stuck at 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. But after the drinking, the pizza, the meat of the weekend, I consider it a success. Now I have two weeks ahead of restriction.

On a different note, I want to fully enjoy this summer. I want to travel a bit, to spend more time outdoor, to get as tan as possible (I am a huge user of SFP 50 don't worry). My friends from university were organizing to meet in Helsinki and I immediately said yes (then plans got postponed to next summer because the one who lives farther away (Bangkok) broke his feet but my point is until last year I would have said "sounds lovely but no thanks". Now that I feel good again, I want to live.

Song for this post: "Spending my time" Roxette

Interlude - Maria

Foreword: this post may be triggering - it is not about weight loss, but mental illness, depression, loss and death of a pet (not mine) are unfortunately the main topics. Please do not read it if you think it may harm or hurt you.

 Maria is my friend from the French years (though she's Italian). 

I do not write a lot about her, but I'm sure I mentioned her many years ago here.

Over the years, I let her down, and trust me, not because I'm jealous. It's simply difficult. Time seems to never be enough, and it's often not easy to talk to her. Sometimes she can spend two consecutive hours on the phone going obsessively through details of something that feels irrelevant, and not even ask "and how are you my friend?". Her depression comes and goes, but the lows are low. Time has not made things easier for her, quite the opposite. With her condition, it has become more and more difficult for her to hold on to a job, so she's often unemployed and money is tight. 

Over the years, many of her friends have left Lyon, where she still lives, and she has grown apart from others, so she's also a bit lonely.

Recently we had spoken a few times, she had suggested a French novel on friendship between women that I absolutely adored and just last weekend she had some plans to go to a Capoeira workshop in the Alps with some nice people. She sounded better and I was so happy to hear her like this.

Then on Monday I got a text from her sister who was panicking that something had happened and Maria was going nuts.

Basically Maria has had a cat over the last 8 years, Maya, who had become her emotional support. Maria's flatmate left a window opened, and Maya jumped out chasing a bird and crushed badly on the street 3 floors down. They took her to the vet but there was nothing they could do.

I spent most of this week on the phone with her crying desperately and saying she no longer wants to live. It's been tough - it still is. On Monday and Tuesday I was extremely concerned. While I still am, I do feel she's a tiny bit more stable now, but it's really painful being so helpless when someone you love is hurting so badly.

Short weight update: 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. Slowly but steadily in the right direction.

Song for this post: "Joining you" by Alanis Morrissette

I would stand in line for this

 "Interesting" was his reply. (I had texted him: "So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California" ) Then he added: 

"Lmk when you know" - followed by

"I'm on NY and India in jul"

I did not reply to this.

Meanwhile, since my life is never under control (and never was, let's face it), the situation has changed entirely:

- I will actually be in San Francisco again in late June for a few days, I probably won't in July

- I have been so busy I literally have not had the time and energy to even text Mischief, but interestingly he hasn't either.

My idea is to get him on the phone early next week, tell him about the SF and ask if he wants to see me or not. At this point I want to understand it, I'm not interested in being someone he chats with when he is bored if he chickens out when it's time to see each other.

This may sound aggressive, but I do not want bullshit. If he backs out, fine, I'll lick my wounds and move forward.

Weight-wise, I am exactly where I was at the last post, despite training like crazy. Still better than a gain though.

On a completely different note, I got tickets for a big Anyma show. If you've never heard of him, check out the Sphere show he did last year.

Song for this post: "Extreme ways" by Moby (one of the songs that keeps coming back into my life as decades go by)

Cliffhanger

 It's a long weekend down here as Monday and Tuesday we have bank holiday.

The heat wave is incredible, given it's not even June, but I'm not complaining. I'm at the stage is life where I realize the number of summers I have ahead of me is finite. I love the long days, I usually wake upd before 6AM and I love that it's not dark.

Weight update: 65.1kg or 143.5lbs - BMI: 22.5.

Not where I want to be of course but at least it's progress.

Tomorrow we booked a day at a new SPA with lots of outdoor space and water, I really hope to tan a little, as I'm still pale and I love being tan. I'll use sunscreen don't worry! But I really love laying in the sun. We could not go to the seaside for the weekend, so I'm happy at least we're doing this.

Jay update: first of all, from now on (and backwards) let's change his name to Mischief.

After a couple days of internal debate (during which Mischief texted me frequently) I finally dropped a bomb text today (I assume he's still sleeping given time difference). It says:

"So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California"

Admittedly I'm kind of scared to see how he will react, as this will define a lot about the future of this dream I guess. I mean, this can literally be the end of it, but it has to be I'd rather end it now than spending 6 months watching it fade away.

Also I kind of hate when I give myself this kind of cliffhanger but it is what it is.