the end of Mischief

 Me: Mischief, can you find 5 minutes to talk?

Mischief: sure call me tomorrow - I'll be in the car 8AM to 8h30 

That was yesterday. My last ancestor passed on Sunday, she was my grandmother's sister but we always treated her like a grandmother and she was extremely close to my mother. She was 99 and she died weighting less than 55lbs (25kg). The poor woman had shrank to almost nothing.

The funeral was this morning so I went to the lake and even gave a speech at the funeral - I think this really made my mother happy, so at least there's that. Husband was super nice and drove with me. I admit I wasn't very emotional - to be honest, I have already grieved her, I know it sounds bad but I realized that this is how it works with me when people lose their minds. Also I believe in being there for people when they are alive, rather than at their funeral - but still, all went well.

We drove back and I admit I escaped to the office since husband was working from home. I did not want to be mean, but I thought it was time to close things with Mischief and I could not possibly do this while I was sitting in the same room with S.

So I called, he did not pick up but called back in a couple minutes. Small chatted for like 15 minutes, told me a lot about his plans, his upcoming vacation, business etc. When he asked me about my travel plans I said the reason I wanted to talk to him is I am figuring out whether to push or not to attend certain US meetings. I said

"I figured you did not want to see me two weeks ago when I was in NY so I did not call or ask, you were with your family and it would not have been a good idea."

and he was like "wait you were in NY? when?"

I said "July 1st and 2nd. I sent you a picture"

"Oh I did not realize you were there. I would have wanted to see you but you are probably right"

I said "Look it's fine but honestly - I want to see you but at this point, I need to understand if you do want to see me or not. For the sake of clarity, I would never try to mess up with your life or your family, but I know what I want. I believe we can work this out but in the end I need to know if you want it"

I knew this was not going well. He stayed quiet and then said "I do not think it's a good idea to see each other. I want to but I don't think we can handle this".

I said "Fine. I understand. I do not agree but I understand"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I would want to see, I do not want or wish anything crazy but I feel like I'm 17 when I'm with you and I think it's the same for you and this is not going to happen to me again, but I understand your motives so it's fine."

And then he was like "Wait so we're not friends anymore? You're like not gonna talk to me again?"

I said "Mischief, when have I ever not talked to you?" (inside my mind I was like what are you, 15 years old?)

He rumbled a bit more about how he wants to see me but thinks this is too difficult to manage and so on, and then thanks God he said he had a meeting and he had not realized I wanted to have this kind of conversation or else he would not have talked with such a short timeframe and basically the poor guy panicked. I said "Mischief, it's fine, don't worry - I also have a meeting to go. We're fine, don't worry"

And this was it.  I was a bit flushed by the end of the call, but to be honest I saw this coming and I cannot say I'm broken hearted. I get his motives, and I respect he prioritizes his family (trust me I do). If anything, I feel guilty for not doing the same, and I guess it's good that things are improving with husband. I am grateful that Mischief has seen me when I was still fat - this really boosted my self confidence which was in rugs at that time, and somehow it helped me losing weight.

I am also not ok, I dreamed about this, made plans and castles in the air, and now reality made me crush on earth, but it will be okay. I guess like all dreams it had to come to an end and I do not regret at all cornering him.

My next goals are:

- letting this very emotional day come to an end

- work on my relationship with husband

- work on my 6pack and drop the last 3kg

- incorporate certain exercises in my routine to improve strength in the right areas to be capable again of doing pull-ups

- keep up with what I'm doing at work, as I'm having my most successful year ever.

It's a lot but having goals is good. Let's start with item 1 on the list, I'll shoot a couple emails and sign off.

Song for this post: Don't cha by Pussycat Dolls

PS my belly piercing is healing nicely and did not give me any trouble at all!

As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen

The Tan

 Just as if I jinxed it by writing that Mischief was in touch on a daily basis, he disappeared. Since he's a psychopath about privacy and online presence, he set our whatsapp chat to delete messages after 7 days, which is something I hate as I'm the kind of person who religiously keeps old letters, messages etc.

The chat is now empty.

I know I had said I would not reach out, but eventually I wrote this morning "Stranger, did something happen?".

 

He was probably already sleeping by the time I texted (remember he's 9 hours behind, and I sent this after training at the gym), so we'll see. I know he was spending the 4th of July on his own and his wife was staying back in NY, so either they changed plans and stayed as well, or it's strange that he was on his own and has not reached out.

 

I know I should just let this go, and you know I won't. And the reason is simple. I am fairly confident he feels the same way I do. And I am very confident that neither of us will experience this again, considering we have not in more than 20 years. I do not want nor plan to wreck his or my life over this, but if I get a chance to enjoy this and see his a couple times a year, I will.

 

 

On a different note, I went to the lake for the weekend and managed to grab a quick coffee with my brother. I was wearing short jeans and a polo shirt and he was like "Sis, you look amazing! The tan! And I love your shorts, these clothes really suit you". This made my day.

 

I have an appointment with a piercer tonight. I don't think I'll go through, but let's see.

 

Weight wise: 61.8kg (136lbs) - BMI 21.4. Slow progress, but still progressing.

 

Song for this post: "Don't think of me" by Dido

Twist in my sobriety

 Once upon a time, this was a weight loss blog. At that time, I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now and I felt fat. This was 16 years ago.

This morning I had the dietician appointment and managed to hit 62kg (136.6lbs - BMI 21.5). I negotiated with him that I still want to drop 3 more kilos (6.5lbs) and have next appointment in one month. I guess I'm going to eat a lot of tomatoes :-) While this may sound strange, I'm happy, happy about how I look and feel, about how strong I am.

 

The dietician is an old physician and a bit of a flirt, the way old gentlemen from his area of Italy can be, and always showers me in compliments. He asked "Is your husband happy that you lost weight?" and I truthfully replied "No, doctor, he would like me fatter - but then again, he always liked boobs and ass on women". He laughed, I just shrugged.

 

S (husband) is unhappy at work. As a consequence of an acquisition, he had to renegotiate his agreement. They made him an offer and he went back asking twice, apparently (at least later on he said this to me) hoping they would reject the offer. They said fine, and now he's pissed again. Meanwhile I got him two other interviews, with my firm and another one. He was unsatisfied with both. The only thing he seems to be into these days is training at the gym.

 

I also am not in the list of things he's happy about. He's not happy about the fact I work too much, about how I dress, how I eat, the weight I lost, the way I look. We had sex last Sunday, for the first time in 30 days. Later I said I was going out shopping and he asked what I was looking for an I said I needed to get some underwear (I'm basically losing my panties after the weight loss) and he said "Oh, ok, just don't buy anything sexy". Ouch. I ended up buying a pair of short jeans that were pretty much what I would have worn at 17 - probably too much indeed, but EVERYONE who has seen me wearing them has complimented me (like even random people in shops). I may not be skinny but I've been training so much it shows. A bit of tan also helps - I mean I feel more comfortable in my body than I have for so many years, and I'm loving that.

 

I am considering a belly button piercing - I wanted one when I was young and never got around to it, and now I look decent again… Husband would be strongly against it so I haven't even told him. I think if I manage to hit 59 kg I'm going to do it, but we'll see. I may still change my mind (I'm a bit afraid of the healing, especially about going to the sea in late August).

 

I think what I'm trying to say is I still love S and still plan to spend the rest of my life with him, but I sometimes wonder if he will ever get out of this rut. He's been unhappy about work over the past two years (he changed one year ago and it was not a good choice) and I get that this affects his whole life, but after two years of bitching I just want my man back. I may be unfair but… I'm the one who's bringing home most money, and yet I'm the one who has to cook dinner every night, who has to manage the household and so on.

 

I am grateful that he never told me "You got fat" or "You look horrible". But these days, whenever I have to go somewhere for work, I feel like I'm escaping. I want to feel "seen", and I'm not getting this at home.

Song for this post: "Twist in my sobriety" by Tanita Tikaram

The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)