As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen

The Tan

 Just as if I jinxed it by writing that Mischief was in touch on a daily basis, he disappeared. Since he's a psychopath about privacy and online presence, he set our whatsapp chat to delete messages after 7 days, which is something I hate as I'm the kind of person who religiously keeps old letters, messages etc.

The chat is now empty.

I know I had said I would not reach out, but eventually I wrote this morning "Stranger, did something happen?".

 

He was probably already sleeping by the time I texted (remember he's 9 hours behind, and I sent this after training at the gym), so we'll see. I know he was spending the 4th of July on his own and his wife was staying back in NY, so either they changed plans and stayed as well, or it's strange that he was on his own and has not reached out.

 

I know I should just let this go, and you know I won't. And the reason is simple. I am fairly confident he feels the same way I do. And I am very confident that neither of us will experience this again, considering we have not in more than 20 years. I do not want nor plan to wreck his or my life over this, but if I get a chance to enjoy this and see his a couple times a year, I will.

 

 

On a different note, I went to the lake for the weekend and managed to grab a quick coffee with my brother. I was wearing short jeans and a polo shirt and he was like "Sis, you look amazing! The tan! And I love your shorts, these clothes really suit you". This made my day.

 

I have an appointment with a piercer tonight. I don't think I'll go through, but let's see.

 

Weight wise: 61.8kg (136lbs) - BMI 21.4. Slow progress, but still progressing.

 

Song for this post: "Don't think of me" by Dido

Twist in my sobriety

 Once upon a time, this was a weight loss blog. At that time, I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now and I felt fat. This was 16 years ago.

This morning I had the dietician appointment and managed to hit 62kg (136.6lbs - BMI 21.5). I negotiated with him that I still want to drop 3 more kilos (6.5lbs) and have next appointment in one month. I guess I'm going to eat a lot of tomatoes :-) While this may sound strange, I'm happy, happy about how I look and feel, about how strong I am.

 

The dietician is an old physician and a bit of a flirt, the way old gentlemen from his area of Italy can be, and always showers me in compliments. He asked "Is your husband happy that you lost weight?" and I truthfully replied "No, doctor, he would like me fatter - but then again, he always liked boobs and ass on women". He laughed, I just shrugged.

 

S (husband) is unhappy at work. As a consequence of an acquisition, he had to renegotiate his agreement. They made him an offer and he went back asking twice, apparently (at least later on he said this to me) hoping they would reject the offer. They said fine, and now he's pissed again. Meanwhile I got him two other interviews, with my firm and another one. He was unsatisfied with both. The only thing he seems to be into these days is training at the gym.

 

I also am not in the list of things he's happy about. He's not happy about the fact I work too much, about how I dress, how I eat, the weight I lost, the way I look. We had sex last Sunday, for the first time in 30 days. Later I said I was going out shopping and he asked what I was looking for an I said I needed to get some underwear (I'm basically losing my panties after the weight loss) and he said "Oh, ok, just don't buy anything sexy". Ouch. I ended up buying a pair of short jeans that were pretty much what I would have worn at 17 - probably too much indeed, but EVERYONE who has seen me wearing them has complimented me (like even random people in shops). I may not be skinny but I've been training so much it shows. A bit of tan also helps - I mean I feel more comfortable in my body than I have for so many years, and I'm loving that.

 

I am considering a belly button piercing - I wanted one when I was young and never got around to it, and now I look decent again… Husband would be strongly against it so I haven't even told him. I think if I manage to hit 59 kg I'm going to do it, but we'll see. I may still change my mind (I'm a bit afraid of the healing, especially about going to the sea in late August).

 

I think what I'm trying to say is I still love S and still plan to spend the rest of my life with him, but I sometimes wonder if he will ever get out of this rut. He's been unhappy about work over the past two years (he changed one year ago and it was not a good choice) and I get that this affects his whole life, but after two years of bitching I just want my man back. I may be unfair but… I'm the one who's bringing home most money, and yet I'm the one who has to cook dinner every night, who has to manage the household and so on.

 

I am grateful that he never told me "You got fat" or "You look horrible". But these days, whenever I have to go somewhere for work, I feel like I'm escaping. I want to feel "seen", and I'm not getting this at home.

Song for this post: "Twist in my sobriety" by Tanita Tikaram

The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)

All my life on my head (don't want to think about it)

 It's been a bit of a rough week. First my computer died on me on Wednesday, and after arguing with IT (they initially offered to give me a new one on June 25....) for a couple hours, I managed to grab one at 6PM, with most of the updates yet to be done but at least I'm relatively autonomous at this - I still lost almost a full day of work, and this is the busiest season of the year...

On Thursday I had a client event in the evening at one of the rooftops with the best cathedral view in the city - just as I was about to leave the office with two colleagues who were also attending, a (difficult) client of mine called screaming and threatening to sue the firm. Long story short, legal department (not mine) has made a mistake in sharing information, and client now wants their heads on a tray. Which is not something I can offer. I apologized profusely, called legal and ask them to deal with the mess. Fast forward to Friday morning 7h30AM (after a relevant number of gin tonics on Thursday night I shall add) client was already calling me, screaming, even more enraged than the previous night. Among other things I heard "we're going to sue everyone in the firm" "we're going to drag you in the dirt" "we will destroy your reputation" and much more. I took about 20 minutes and then calmly said "Look, I do understand you are furious and rightly so, I apologize again and I'm trying to work to fix this. At the same time, you've been working with me for over a year, and you always noted how good and professional my team was. Now as much as I understand your position, please try and also see mine: it's another team and another partner that made a mistake, and I'm taking all your frustration". He calmed a little but reinstated he wants this to escalate.

It was not a great day.

Mischief called me that night (he needed more help with his investment thing) and could see I was not in a very good place, he was nice at listening to what happened and trying to cheer me and shared some gossip from the US firm. I stayed away from any conversation about meeting each other or anything about the two of us, I was not calm enough to have this kind of conversation. I have also kind of decided to try and not be the one who initiates conversations - not sure I'll be capable to respect this decision, we'll see. I should also mention: he looked incredibly good. I kind of wanted to eat him. I think he just got a haircut, and he was tan and oh my God I wanted him. (at least I think I also looked good, I have a bit of tan, had my hair straightened and was wearing a shirt same color as my eyes)

I'm spending the weekend at the lake, trying to get a tan and spending some time with my parents. I drove here this morning, I put the car top down and just drove by the lake in the warm air and that was by far the best hour of the week. I normally hate driving but it felt good.

Weight update: yesterday I woke at 62.5kg - 138 pounds - BMI 21.5. But I may have been a but dehydrated, it's been consistently reaching 100F and Thursday night event was open air so...

Song for this post: "Disturbia" by Rihanna

Ad a pic of Thursday night - my arms are still big but overall I was not unhappy with the look