San Francisco part I

 While I know this is debatable, I need to tell the whole Jay story, and trust me, I'm doing this for me as it helps me getting in touch with reality. So, here's another portion.

Once I got the news that I did not need to have a massive surgery, I decided that it was time to get some help on the weight loss journey, beyond ChatGPT which is very dear t me, but has its limitations. I went to see a doctor who is very well known, in the hope that he would maybe give me a GLP1. Although he did not, he gave me a diet that I'm actually enjoying, making sure to include lots of things I love and that I find satisfying.

I got there in late March, and I was 71kg (BMI 24.6), and I'll have to go again next Tuesday. 

Work was a bit peculiar in April, I had few projects, all more complex than they were worth, so a bit unsatisfying. I knew I was thinking too much about Jay but told myself to just drop it, as I was never going to see him again in my life. I was (and still am) training a lot, I have upgraded my routine to include some weights on top of the elliptical machine, and on Thursdays I do HIIT at the park outside my place with a personal trainer and a small group of 4-5 people.

In early April I found out that I was going to San Francisco in the first week of May, and in the chat that Jay had set up with me and Carlos we had promised to update each other on travels, so I did mention this. Jay replied immediately "I can arrange plans to meet there". Then he disappeared for a couple weeks which admittedly kind of lowed my spirits. I remember biking to work one morning and telling myself that I had been dreaming, that he certainly had not been giving me the eye, and to move on with my life. I even kind of managed to do so.

I was on the verge of buying my plane tickets without further considerations, when he resurfaced and started texting me outside the chat. As my agenda was super packed from breakfast to dinner from Monday to Wednesday, and I wanted to set up a couple extra meetings on Wednesday afternoon when my main purpose of travel would be over (and my other European colleagues were flying back), he suggested to meet for dinner on Wednesday and I thought this was a good plan allowing me to meet the bankers I wanted to see while there, as there were no convenient flights back on Wed night, I would fly back on Tuesday afternoon. Jay being Jay he also set up a few meetings on Thursday (read: he went to see Nvidia guys) and thus the plan was settled.

I had never been to San Francisco, and travelled there with French colleagues, which I love because French is much easier than English for me and they are really two fun guys. Once landed on Monday, we had a couple hours to spare and walked to Pier39 to see the sea lions (that I had never seen in my life and man I loved them!!!!), and the long walk really helped me start the week on the right foot with almost no jet lag. The days flew by and in an eyeblink it was Wednesday afternoon. I wrapped up my meetings, and walked back to the hotel - it was a lovely warm day, and Jay was texting me about dinner plans, and I wrote him "I've literally spent the last two days seating - can we just walk around a bit and grab something casually? I swear that if you told me let's skip dinner and grab something from a food truck I would be delighted" and he said that sounded great. I showered, looked at the classy, feminine and expensive top I had brought with me for the occasion, and instead I wore a man button down shirt, the usual kind I wear at work these days, with some white linen trousers and my black leather jacket. I literally had no idea on Jay's motives to be there, and I thought it made more sense to just show him the same exact version of me he'd seen in Mountain View. Well, at least I was 67kg (148lbs), so roughly 15lbs less than I was at such time.

At 5PM I was in the lobby when he came - he saw me, smiled and hugged me tight - and at that point I thought "All is good, he really wants to be friend with me". 

We stepped out and started walking randomly and picked up the conversation as if Mountain View had finished 2 hours earlier instead of 2 months earlier. At some point we stopped at a nice place, sat at the bar drinking Sancerre for a while and we were having a blast. We got a table and a beef tartare and Jay got some shrimps and I was teasing him endlessly on his eating non kosher food. All was good but I started having mixed feelings about what was going on, not in a bad way, but I was unable to read the situation. Once food was finished and we were finishing our wine and that is when the neurodivergent me straightly said: "Let me ask you a question: did you come here to fuck me?"

Song for this post: "Supergirl" in the Della Chaos version

Mountain View part II and more horrors

 The four of us went to a beautiful (but strange) place called Rosewood Sand Hill in Palo Alto. The bar was classy, but a hybrid thing where everyone was standing but no one danced, which apparently is normal in California but for the two Europeans in the group was weird?

Anyways the night quickly took off, company was great. After a first bottle of Dom Perigno (fort of 4 and admittedly I generously contributed to the emptying of the bottles) and a few Negronis, At some point the guys started talking sports and I waltzed my way towards two Israeli girls who were clearly looking for a distraction (read: they were wearing very deep a neck blouses and very red lipsticks) and made friends with them, they were super fun and told me how the ate mothers, bored with their life and so on and they were super nice. 

That is until Alex, started screaming at me “Lucy stop talking to hookers and come back here”. 

I saw red - turned to Jay who looked horrified and hissed at him “Seriously? Those are not hookers Jay. The one that has been sitting closer and closer to you is though”.

Somehow Jay managed to be gracious enough to fix things, inviting Sara and Dvora to have a glass with us.

Much later, after the ladies left, the real hooker came to talk to me and slipped a hand under my shirt “your boobs are so beautiful “ she said. She was very drunk and older than I expected and I think she was really looking for an easy job. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and gently told her Thank you but I was not into it. She desisted and went her way. I turned and my friends were.. speechless…

By then most of the people had left, our tab was amounting to $2,500 (seriously everything in the US is overpriced) and I made my way to the restroom. 

Did I wait to check if I could hear footsteps following me? I did, out of curiosity really. No one followed me. 

When I came back the Americans started talking about how they are scared of divorcing and I was puzzled. Jay especially was serious and I was like why if you don’t fuck around why would you divorce I mean your wife is a stay at home mom, why would she leave you? And that’s where he started complaining she never wants to have sex and I said wait, you do use lubricant right? Once again everyone was speechless (apparently no they did not). I was baffled and said guys your wives are no longer 20, they just don’t get that wet, lube is your best friend just don’t make a big deal of it! It’s a few bucks per pack and makes your sex life so much more enjoyable!

We also spent a long time talking how it's different to do business in the US vs Europe and how it's different for men and women - I would never go to a dinner alone with a male client in Milan, although I may do it if we were both travelling (I would still prefer to be more than 2 people). Europe is flexing towards business lunch these days... but reality is that it's easier for men (clients are 99% men so apologies if I sound biased).

The night started slowing down after that and eventually we made it back to the hotel at 2am with the usual promises of everlasting friendship (Alex was too drunk for those and anyways..) Jay and I were on the top floor at the hotel and again I thought he was giving me the eye when he said goodnight out of my room but I did my best to casually say Nite and thanks I had a great night and quicklyake it into my room to avoid any confusion.

The next day was the last. Alex never showed up at the training, I felt fine, Carlos had a bad headache and I proceeded teasing Jay saying that if his wife was going to see the bar bill he would be divorced in no time under the accusation of having paid strippers and we had a good laugh. Jay hugged me goodbye a little longer and a little closer than Carlos did but it felt good and off I went back to Europe.

I came home to find that I was still 72kg (159lbs). The week later I was in Amsterdam where they filmed me for the interview where I look like a whale and it was hard. 

I should also mention that over the past four years I have not been good. As part of the overall horrible body situation, I got never-ending periods (at the worst point over one summer I experienced 70 days of bleeding, 10 days off, followed by 45 more days bleeding) with huge back pains and smarting joints. This has not helped with the weight, with my feelings towards my body (and with our sex life tbh). I have seen several different doctors who always told me it was normal and to just deal with it. Back in September I tried a new doctor who finally listened to me and immediately put me on different meds that almost stopped the bleeding, and then prescribed some more analyses. I got some results before Mountain View and they basically found a tumor but did not know what kind in my womb, so I had to do two biopsies right after Mountain View and before the Netherlands. I was seriously depressed, although because I've been through horrible years that could have been dealt with. Doctors told me in any case I shall probably have my womb removed. No cliffhangers here, I got all the biopsies done and it turned out to be a benign thing, and eventually my doctor said that I should not undergo surgery for the time being, continue the meds (bleeding has now completely stopped and I am immensely grateful) and keep the thing monitored once a year through a scan. I also got positive feedback on dealing it this way from my Brother (who's a doctor).

To add more horrors, my mom (the Panther) got a knee replaced while I was in the US, replunged in her anorexia and stopped eating. Of course she got anemic and they would not release her from the hospital, and then she escaped and went home. On the day after my biopsies I drove to my parents place and spent two days cooking stuff and freezing or putting it under vacuum so they would have food while she was using crutches. In exchange I got a lot of sneaky remarks on how fat I am.

My mom is still eating very little and is now 44kg (97lbs) and ecstatic about this.

Husband meanwhile has been there although it sometimes seems like we share a house. I mean, he has not initiated sex in years, and after the bleeding stopped back at the end of September I've tried to make this somehow more frequent but... it's a bit embarrassing to always be the one that starts things you know? He's having a hard time at work (but he's been bitching about it over the past two years), and I often feel he really resents that I've achieved a better career than he has over the past 3 years (it was always the opposite way around previously). I'm not trying to justify anything, this is just how things are. I certainly still love him and I'm invested in our relationship, although this will sound phony in the next post, please do believe me.

The thing is I've been travelling a lot and you may remember from the past some of his "lapses", when I would be away for work and he would get wasted and high and end up with a broken arm, a twisted foot, black eyes or this kind of things. This year it's easier for me because now two (beloved) nieces moved to Milan and always hang out at our place and I've been basically blackmailing them to come over to our apartment as much as possible when I'm away (it was my friend Matt who suggested this genius strategy). I had almost always worked, just last week there was a minor episode where I think he fell coming home but nothing dramatic.

Meanwhile, Jay set up a chat with me and Carlos and we kept texting....

Song for this post: Chandelier, by Sia

(forgive typos, most of this long post was typed on my iphone and my nails are too long)

The horrors and Montain View part I

 Let's start with the main, most important topic - which is weight of course.

Tears spring into my eyes when I realize I never write here the extent of the damage - but this has always been my place for confession so to the truth I shall stick. 

In Spring 2025 I hit 80kg, or 176lbs a MBI of 27.7.

I know. Just reading this on the screen makes me have a hard time breathing.

Last year I did restrict for a couple months and dropped 5kg, bringing me to 75kg or 165lbs by summer 25 - I basically did this with some help from ChatGPT. I then remained stable until February 2026.

In February 2026, right before the week in Mountain View (more later on this), I started again a ChatGPT project and lost 4kg in a couple months, despite spending almost 1 month travelling for work (which makes it very hard to restrict, trust me) between the week in California, one week in the Netherlands and a couple short trips to Germany. 

What happened in Mountain View? I was there for a training, and it was a great one - I had actually won it as an internal corporate award (and trust me I did compete hard because I wanted it) and the topics were super interesting. HOWEVER, right before leaving I got hit by anxiety - feeling akward, fat, and out of place. To partly explain: i) my English is poor (French is my second language) and I had just started aligners which do not improve my articulation and ii) you may think it was an event with colleagues and it's true, but even in my organization I do something that is extremely niche both in terms of activity (financial due diligence) and sectors (Media & Tech), while ppl usually do audit or consulting for private equity or manufacturing - add that I have no kids and I do not watch sports...

Anyways, I flew in, got super jet lagged, and when the even started I stumbled to the table I was assigned to (men only, of course! and not even a French!) and 5 minutes into the kick-off someone sighted and dropped into the empty chair next to me. I quickly looked and judged him American - from his teeth (don't get me wrong lovelies - only Americans have such shiny perfect white teeth that look like they were polished with a blue laser sword!).

Jay introduced himself as a cybersecurity person, working for the Media sector. I instantly felt better.

The training was even above my expectations, and I spent the week waking up at 2 (hello jet lag), doing work with Europe until 5:30, hitting the gym (why so full so early?), showering, more work, training all day followed by dinner and drinks which I always had with Carlos, a cool guy from Spain, Jay, Kevin and Alex. Despite the horrible weather, I had a blast and always felt super good. At least one week of full immersion improved my English.

On the last evening Jay sneaked me out of dinner with the promise of bringing me and Carlos to a "real Palo Alto place" and Alex joined as well. He had already hauled an Uber when I suddenly shivered and almost chickened out. He seemed sad and I changed my mind again but stared at him and said "Promise me I will not regret this in any way". He looked at me and said "I promise".

More in another post tomorrow, I promise!

Song for this post: "California Dreaming" - the version sung by Sia

Are you thinking of me?

 Random pieces of dialogues with Jay

“Are you still so worried about divorcing as last time I saw you?”

“No actually. I followed your advice (note to reader: the advice was: buy some lubricant and use it) and have reached an agreement, we now have sex every time I want to”

I failed to choke with laughter at this because it is true that I told him to stop complaining and that if his wife did not want to have sex he should find a way to fix it but the first thing to do was use lubricant. Also this kind of agreement seems a bit sad to me but who am I to say anything? It’s not like my life is much better from this pov.

I also don’t really know why I end up having this kind of conversation with coworkers - no wonder they see me more like a Bro than a woman.

But it didn’t look like he was thinking of me like a Bro later when he kissed me.

I’m wondering Jay, are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Still here (but on the other side of the world)

 I won't disappear that early.

Spent the week in San Francisco for work. Zero control over the calorie intake - also lots of wine. Well, I'm basically fasting today because I got some seriously soreness in my mouth, so hopefully when I get on the scale again (which will be Saturday morning) I will not cry.

San Francisco is a crazy place - most of the consulting work I do is on Tech & Media companies and well, this city lives in 2036. I mean some things are delusional, but honestly, I love the self driving cars and everything, the vibe, the topics ppl talk about. And I got to see the sea lions which were awesome (never seen any before in my life).

I also met the guy I thought was giving me the eye. I guess he was giving me the eye after all.

Next week I'll be in Lisbon for a couple days, and the week after that in Madrid - always for work. No ideas how I'm gonna stay off food and wine though.

They're calling my flight so... more to come soon