Jeans and clients

I lost count of the jeans I've bought and discarded this year as they were getting too loose. 

Last night I was talking to a client (my main and my favorite by far incidentally)  and he was commenting the counterparty requests on a deal we're working on and he said "it's like the thing you always say, right? about how anyone can lose 20kg by dieting but what we're buying is the current situation, not a hypothetical adjustment". And I said "so true! but I may need to change example because I lost 19 kg, you have not seen me in a while". And he was like "really??? are you like massively training, or dieting or both?" and I explained and honestly, I think it's the first time I realized that I have really lost 19 kg and in pounds the number is even more satisfying (42lbs).

If I'm being honest, I'm also more slim than I used to be at the same weight in the past - I think it is because I am doing a lot of strength training on top of cardio, and I never lifted in the past - my posture has improved as well.

Mischief has of course disappeared entirely, as expected. To Bath point, yes, he is married and has two teenage kids. I may also add that there was a bump in his marriage many years ago when he spent a night with a colleague, who later sent a letter to his wife informing her she had given him a blow job.

Which incidentally brings me to the BJ topic - I never understand if Americans are obsessed with blow jobs or if they simply don't get them at home? I realize it's my neurodivergent mind that dwells on these kind of topics, but I have come to peace years ago with the fact that my mind is wired differently than most people's.

Weight update: 60.8kg - 134lbs - BMI 21.0

Song for this post: "Dernière Danse" by Indila

Snap

So I'm snapping, one, two

Where are you?

You're still in my heart

Snapping, three, four

Don't need you here anymore

Get out of my heart

'Cause I might snap

Working on my goals (still supported by the elastic band though - is there an elastic band equivalent for my feelings?)

Weight: 61.3kg - 135lbs - BMI 21.2

Song: Snap! by Rosa Lynn

or maybe

 ... he's just not that into me.

Maybe I'm just old, fat and simply unattractive.

the end of Mischief

 Me: Mischief, can you find 5 minutes to talk?

Mischief: sure call me tomorrow - I'll be in the car 8AM to 8h30 

That was yesterday. My last ancestor passed on Sunday, she was my grandmother's sister but we always treated her like a grandmother and she was extremely close to my mother. She was 99 and she died weighting less than 55lbs (25kg). The poor woman had shrank to almost nothing.

The funeral was this morning so I went to the lake and even gave a speech at the funeral - I think this really made my mother happy, so at least there's that. Husband was super nice and drove with me. I admit I wasn't very emotional - to be honest, I have already grieved her, I know it sounds bad but I realized that this is how it works with me when people lose their minds. Also I believe in being there for people when they are alive, rather than at their funeral - but still, all went well.

We drove back and I admit I escaped to the office since husband was working from home. I did not want to be mean, but I thought it was time to close things with Mischief and I could not possibly do this while I was sitting in the same room with S.

So I called, he did not pick up but called back in a couple minutes. Small chatted for like 15 minutes, told me a lot about his plans, his upcoming vacation, business etc. When he asked me about my travel plans I said the reason I wanted to talk to him is I am figuring out whether to push or not to attend certain US meetings. I said

"I figured you did not want to see me two weeks ago when I was in NY so I did not call or ask, you were with your family and it would not have been a good idea."

and he was like "wait you were in NY? when?"

I said "July 1st and 2nd. I sent you a picture"

"Oh I did not realize you were there. I would have wanted to see you but you are probably right"

I said "Look it's fine but honestly - I want to see you but at this point, I need to understand if you do want to see me or not. For the sake of clarity, I would never try to mess up with your life or your family, but I know what I want. I believe we can work this out but in the end I need to know if you want it"

I knew this was not going well. He stayed quiet and then said "I do not think it's a good idea to see each other. I want to but I don't think we can handle this".

I said "Fine. I understand. I do not agree but I understand"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I would want to see, I do not want or wish anything crazy but I feel like I'm 17 when I'm with you and I think it's the same for you and this is not going to happen to me again, but I understand your motives so it's fine."

And then he was like "Wait so we're not friends anymore? You're like not gonna talk to me again?"

I said "Mischief, when have I ever not talked to you?" (inside my mind I was like what are you, 15 years old?)

He rumbled a bit more about how he wants to see me but thinks this is too difficult to manage and so on, and then thanks God he said he had a meeting and he had not realized I wanted to have this kind of conversation or else he would not have talked with such a short timeframe and basically the poor guy panicked. I said "Mischief, it's fine, don't worry - I also have a meeting to go. We're fine, don't worry"

And this was it.  I was a bit flushed by the end of the call, but to be honest I saw this coming and I cannot say I'm broken hearted. I get his motives, and I respect he prioritizes his family (trust me I do). If anything, I feel guilty for not doing the same, and I guess it's good that things are improving with husband. I am grateful that Mischief has seen me when I was still fat - this really boosted my self confidence which was in rugs at that time, and somehow it helped me losing weight.

I am also not ok, I dreamed about this, made plans and castles in the air, and now reality made me crush on earth, but it will be okay. I guess like all dreams it had to come to an end and I do not regret at all cornering him.

My next goals are:

- letting this very emotional day come to an end

- work on my relationship with husband

- work on my 6pack and drop the last 3kg

- incorporate certain exercises in my routine to improve strength in the right areas to be capable again of doing pull-ups

- keep up with what I'm doing at work, as I'm having my most successful year ever.

It's a lot but having goals is good. Let's start with item 1 on the list, I'll shoot a couple emails and sign off.

Song for this post: Don't cha by Pussycat Dolls

PS my belly piercing is healing nicely and did not give me any trouble at all!

As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen