The horrors and Montain View part I

 Let's start with the main, most important topic - which is weight of course.

Tears spring into my eyes when I realize I never write here the extent of the damage - but this has always been my place for confession so to the truth I shall stick. 

In Spring 2025 I hit 80kg, or 176lbs a MBI of 27.7.

I know. Just reading this on the screen makes me have a hard time breathing.

Last year I did restrict for a couple months and dropped 5kg, bringing me to 75kg or 165lbs by summer 25 - I basically did this with some help from ChatGPT. I then remained stable until February 2026.

In February 2026, right before the week in Mountain View (more later on this), I started again a ChatGPT project and lost 4kg in a couple months, despite spending almost 1 month travelling for work (which makes it very hard to restrict, trust me) between the week in California, one week in the Netherlands and a couple short trips to Germany. 

What happened in Mountain View? I was there for a training, and it was a great one - I had actually won it as an internal corporate award (and trust me I did compete hard because I wanted it) and the topics were super interesting. HOWEVER, right before leaving I got hit by anxiety - feeling akward, fat, and out of place. To partly explain: i) my English is poor (French is my second language) and I had just started aligners which do not improve my articulation and ii) you may think it was an event with colleagues and it's true, but even in my organization I do something that is extremely niche both in terms of activity (financial due diligence) and sectors (Media & Tech), while ppl usually do audit or consulting for private equity or manufacturing - add that I have no kids and I do not watch sports...

Anyways, I flew in, got super jet lagged, and when the even started I stumbled to the table I was assigned to (men only, of course! and not even a French!) and 5 minutes into the kick-off someone sighted and dropped into the empty chair next to me. I quickly looked and judged him American - from his teeth (don't get me wrong lovelies - only Americans have such shiny perfect white teeth that look like they were polished with a blue laser sword!).

Jay introduced himself as a cybersecurity person, working for the Media sector. I instantly felt better.

The training was even above my expectations, and I spent the week waking up at 2 (hello jet lag), doing work with Europe until 5:30, hitting the gym (why so full so early?), showering, more work, training all day followed by dinner and drinks which I always had with Carlos, a cool guy from Spain, Jay, Kevin and Alex. Despite the horrible weather, I had a blast and always felt super good. At least one week of full immersion improved my English.

On the last evening Jay sneaked me out of dinner with the promise of bringing me and Carlos to a "real Palo Alto place" and Alex joined as well. He had already hauled an Uber when I suddenly shivered and almost chickened out. He seemed sad and I changed my mind again but stared at him and said "Promise me I will not regret this in any way". He looked at me and said "I promise".

More in another post tomorrow, I promise!

Song for this post: "California Dreaming" - the version sung by Sia

Are you thinking of me?

 Random pieces of dialogues with Jay

“Are you still so worried about divorcing as last time I saw you?”

“No actually. I followed your advice (note to reader: the advice was: buy some lubricant and use it) and have reached an agreement, we now have sex every time I want to”

I failed to choke with laughter at this because it is true that I told him to stop complaining and that if his wife did not want to have sex he should find a way to fix it but the first thing to do was use lubricant. Also this kind of agreement seems a bit sad to me but who am I to say anything? It’s not like my life is much better from this pov.

I also don’t really know why I end up having this kind of conversation with coworkers - no wonder they see me more like a Bro than a woman.

But it didn’t look like he was thinking of me like a Bro later when he kissed me.

I’m wondering Jay, are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Still here (but on the other side of the world)

 I won't disappear that early.

Spent the week in San Francisco for work. Zero control over the calorie intake - also lots of wine. Well, I'm basically fasting today because I got some seriously soreness in my mouth, so hopefully when I get on the scale again (which will be Saturday morning) I will not cry.

San Francisco is a crazy place - most of the consulting work I do is on Tech & Media companies and well, this city lives in 2036. I mean some things are delusional, but honestly, I love the self driving cars and everything, the vibe, the topics ppl talk about. And I got to see the sea lions which were awesome (never seen any before in my life).

I also met the guy I thought was giving me the eye. I guess he was giving me the eye after all.

Next week I'll be in Lisbon for a couple days, and the week after that in Madrid - always for work. No ideas how I'm gonna stay off food and wine though.

They're calling my flight so... more to come soon

Guess who’s back?

 Do I deserve your attention? Certainly not but you all know why ai am back.

Ok you do not know the exact trigger (but you already figured the situation) so let me share this.

In February I went on a work trip to the US and it was very interesting and also fun. I met some colleagues from other countries and even thought one fancied me. This is just to record I thought this, of course I didn’t care but I thought he was giving me the eye.

The week after that I had another work event in Europe and I was filmed for an interview. They shared the final cut today.

I look like a sea lion perched on a stool.

I shall also add that the interview was not at my peak weight which was 80kg last year (I dropped 6kg before the interview and 4 more since).

I have no idea how I thought anyone could possibly fancy me.

I am fucking horrified. My mother, bless her, is right. She, incidentally, has lost further weight after a knee surgery and is now 45kg.

The worst part is you wouldn’t believe how much training I am doing.

At this point t I shall just stop eating but I also thought it was time to come back to the place that always helped me. 

I missed you lovelies

Year end

 Almost year end, and while I do not update often, I am reasonably content.

Still fat, super tired (this is one of the seasonal peaks in my job), but overall happy. As time goes by, I keep thinking I'd ideally like to work for 9 or 10 more years and then retire - hopefully live by the seaside in a quiet place. I am not sure husband has the same plans, but recently we had 4 days of bank holiday that we spent home by ourselves and he was commenting on how he had a great time and I said "one day this could be our life - would that be so terrible?".

Don't get me wrong - I'd be happy to retire even now but one must be realistic. I must match my financial needs, my life expectation and my savings. So I think 9 or 10 more years - and still, stopping work at 50 would be quite a luxury!

On a side note, we've booked a vacation in Maldives again in the first week of January - I know we keep going there but hey, this time of the year it's so good and regenerating! We did consider Carribean Islands as well, but the trouble is we still have to attend some videocalls, and anywhere with more than 4 hours difference gets difficult to manage. And Maldives are soooo relaxing!

Lastly, my beloved cat is the spoiled brat of the household - actually he behaves decently and is super affectionate.

Wish you all the best for this year end, dear readers