As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen

Interlude - Maria

Foreword: this post may be triggering - it is not about weight loss, but mental illness, depression, loss and death of a pet (not mine) are unfortunately the main topics. Please do not read it if you think it may harm or hurt you.

 Maria is my friend from the French years (though she's Italian). 

I do not write a lot about her, but I'm sure I mentioned her many years ago here.

Over the years, I let her down, and trust me, not because I'm jealous. It's simply difficult. Time seems to never be enough, and it's often not easy to talk to her. Sometimes she can spend two consecutive hours on the phone going obsessively through details of something that feels irrelevant, and not even ask "and how are you my friend?". Her depression comes and goes, but the lows are low. Time has not made things easier for her, quite the opposite. With her condition, it has become more and more difficult for her to hold on to a job, so she's often unemployed and money is tight. 

Over the years, many of her friends have left Lyon, where she still lives, and she has grown apart from others, so she's also a bit lonely.

Recently we had spoken a few times, she had suggested a French novel on friendship between women that I absolutely adored and just last weekend she had some plans to go to a Capoeira workshop in the Alps with some nice people. She sounded better and I was so happy to hear her like this.

Then on Monday I got a text from her sister who was panicking that something had happened and Maria was going nuts.

Basically Maria has had a cat over the last 8 years, Maya, who had become her emotional support. Maria's flatmate left a window opened, and Maya jumped out chasing a bird and crushed badly on the street 3 floors down. They took her to the vet but there was nothing they could do.

I spent most of this week on the phone with her crying desperately and saying she no longer wants to live. It's been tough - it still is. On Monday and Tuesday I was extremely concerned. While I still am, I do feel she's a tiny bit more stable now, but it's really painful being so helpless when someone you love is hurting so badly.

Short weight update: 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. Slowly but steadily in the right direction.

Song for this post: "Joining you" by Alanis Morrissette

too late for revenge

Dear Vivien,
so they fired the asshole CEO who made you miserable.
The same one who wouldn't look me in the eye at your funeral.

But it's too late, ain't it?

It's not even revenge, after all, he's retiring as a millionaire, and I don't care.

Maybe, at least, things will improve for those who stayed in the company.

My friend, it's been 5 months and the worst part is there is noone I can talk to about you.

gone

I flew back from Greece on Sunday morning, landed happily and got a call.
From a former coworker.
He said "Look I don't know how else to say this, Vivien died"
I actually asked him if this was a bad joke. Vivien, 42, beautiful, healthy and lovely cannot be dead
Vivien, who adopted a troubled, orphaned teenager last summer
Vivien, my friend, who could be trusted to always make sense
Vivien, the kind one, who talked too much and who everyone loved

Vivien drowned last Saturday

Vivien was definitely not the sporty kind, but one thing she could do was swimming. Born and raised by the Mediterrean, swim she could.

Vivien, who a couple weeks ago, when I bailed out of drinks (explaining I had to be at my grandmother's place as my parents were on vacation on the premises I would stay with Granny who's 94) wrote me "I'm thinking of giving up"

We spoke afterwards and she said she was a bit overwhelmed with her kid, but the thought is there

Goodbye my friend. You were awesome. I don't believe in an afterlife. But I do belive you left a sign. So many people were crying at your funeral. We miss you already


Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty
I'll let the judges frown

And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be
Goodbye my friend

Crush

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you're mine

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true:
a body like you

Not good. Obsessed with weight. My two best friends from work moved on the other side of the atlantic ocean. I just.. I don't even know. I feel so lonely. This winter is unbearable, it seems to always rain. I need to spend sometime outside in the sun. I need a friend to share a salad with at lunch time. I need attention. I am so fucking needy I'm disgusted by myself

I hadn't even considered hurting myself for years. This is so fucked up.


I will burn for you, feel the pain for you, I will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart..
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me.

Friend or foe. Jillian Michaels

Maria, my best friend, my biggest foe.

Maria is my best friend, and she still lives in France, where we met. We shared so much, but last year she fell deeper and deeper into a horrible depression. While my feelings towards her were unchanged, at a certain point I almost stopped reaching out for her, because every time we spoke on the phone she would end up sobbing louder and louder until excusing herself and hanging up. It got to a point where I realized that talking to me would only stir certain feelings that were probably best left alone.

This did not stop me from visiting her last December, where I met a poor shadow of my friend, weighting barely 38 kg (BMI 16.4).

Around spring, she slowly started getting better. She goes out, started a new class of capoeira, blah blah.

she came over the weekend to visit, and well, she did hit 40 kg. which puts her BMI at 17.3 (she is short and tiny).

I love her and really hope she keeps getting better.
But shopping with her? pure nightmare.


On a side note, I've started the 30 days shred program by Jillian Michaels, on top of my regular training. I'll let you know the results.

Shopping

While still overworked, I did go and try some bridal gowns last weekends.

Before I even walked into the bridal store, I bought these on sale

While it's true I'm supposed to save money right now, I spend an awful lot of time in random meeting with clients, and a girl cannot always wear the same thing right?

Then I moved to the place I was supposed to go, with this chick who works with me: she's engaged, but her mom lives in Mexico, so cannot come to Milan to go shopping with her, then I offered to do it together.

Downside: she turned out to be far skinnier then me.

Upside: we tried completely different gowns, so at least the comparison was not so mortifying.

This is the one I prefer so far. I know girls, it's short. I'm not blind. Long dress simply don't suit me.

There must be an angel looking over me

Just when I've decided that since I'm working all alone, in a lonely room, I'll skip lunch altogether, Jules calls me.

"Lucy! come have lunch with us"

Jules is my co-worker at the moment, and he's adorable. I can't say "No thanx", because he'll know I've skipped, and he'll wonder why do I prefer to sit alone than have lunch with friends.

So I go, and I order a pizza.

800 kcals of fat, ready to stick to my hips for the next 80 years or so.

And then, a miracle happens, and my pizza doesn't come. The boys get theirs, apparently there's been some mix-up with orders, and mine doesn't come. After half diet coke and 40 minutes, I have to go back to the office because I have to attend a meeting. I promise I'll grab something on the way back (of course I won't), and I leave, fasting and safe.

Thank-you, my angel

PS. am still over 130lbs, although slightly. BMI: 20.9

I feel I can reasonably drop 5lbs by Xmas, but facing Xmas break will be complicated.

I almost had it all

What a fab weekend I just had!

It was the best summer weather ever. I was at the lake, and we had warm days, with a nice wind from the north, deep blue sky, shining water.

Yesterday morning I had promised to help out at my neighbor's sailing club in order to prepare food for the regatta; however, after 2 hours of chopping onions (lol), a friend of mine asked me if I could join him for the regatta since he was lacking a bowman and of course I said yes!

So I quickly changes from my apron into shorts, t-shirt and swimsuit and hopped on his boat, which is this kind of boat:

We had a lot of wind, sailed having so much fun and ended winning the regatta! Since I had plans with Mom right after it, I skipped both lunch and the after-regatta pasta party!

Then I went with Mom and Granny to watch the fireworks, and then...

....I realized summer is over for me. I mean, I'll be in London next week (and up there it's chilly already), and then it will be Fall.

The nice thing is my last summer weekend ROCKED.

The less nice thing is how all the people at the regatta made comments on how I gained weight since last year. And it's true.

So I came back to the city this morning carrying supplies for the week: zucchini, salad, and two eggs, all from Mom's garden. That's the healthy plan for the week.

I hope you all had great weekends, and for those who live in the Southern Emisphere: spring's coming soon! stay strong!

Random thoughts

126.1 lbs this morning.

Small steps in the right direction.

Gym tonight, gym tomorrow morning, and on Saturday I have planned a 40km bike trip with dad.

For the next regatta (June 20), I want my body to look like this.

I keep going out every night. It's a bit too much.


Ok, let's be honest. Tomorrow I'm attending a fashion event. In Milan. This means most girl will have a BMI of 18 or less. Ugh. I'm going to write a QMNMD temporary tattoo on the inner part of my wrist (Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit). As a reminder.

Last night I went out with my high school best friend. She thinks I'm obsessed with dieting. She keeps telling everyone she's so lucky she hasn't gained a lb in the last year. I saw her waiting for me at the corner, and it looked like she had a giant doughnut wrapped around her waist.

She's as tall as I am, but she must be at least 10 lbs heavier than I am, and has no muscle at all. And she wonders why she hasn't gotten laid over the last year...

At least she's happy with her body, which is more thant I can say about myself!

PS Check Chitosan on wikipedia. I tried it slowly at first because it may give problems to those allergic to shell food (which I am) but my body seems to cooperate for once.

Apparently it doesn't allow your body to digest carbs and fats. Downside: expect massive poops 15 minutes after eating. NOT recommandable for glamour soirées.