The monster's running wild inside of me

 It's been a crazy few days. The client that was furious kept calling, and I had to manage the shit that hit the fan both internally and with client. Eventually I soothed them and persuaded not to sue and to continue the projects with us, but I'm honestly exhausted - to some extent more in relation to internal management of colleagues who did the fuck up.

 

Last Sunday I drove back from the lake to the city with the car top down which admittedly was a bit crazy - it was so warm that at some point my iphone stopped working because of a temperature alert. When I got home I took a big bottle of water from the fridge and gulped it all down. Then proceeded going to the gym. I trained almost every day over the past month, I think I took three rest days in total over the last 30 days. My next appointment with the dietician is on July 2nd and I'm almost to the target weight he gave me for such date (roughly one pound to shed, but in one week I hope to do even more) so that keeps me motivated.

 

Mischief is oddly present in a continuative way… I think he was very empathic with the client issue and not a single day has passed he's not been in touch. He's on East coast this week so that helps with a few less hours of time difference. I'm certainly not complaining - but… I long for him.

On the other hand, I'm working on a San Francisco project so I end up having calls until 10PM at night, which sucks. It's also not an easy project, and I can't help feeling it would have been so smoother if my team and I had gone to SF to do this but whatever.

 

I can't wait for vacation but that's still 2 months away - although I do have plans meanwhile for a few weekends at the lake and hopefully one at the seaside (our neighbors invited us as they have a villa there).

 

On a different topic, we'll have to neuter Loki. It is a bit strange as he's already 4 years old and we've never had any problem until a couple months ago, but when we go to the lake to my parents he gets aggressive (which I cannot have since he stays with my parents when we go on vacation) and more over, although he does not pee outside his litter box, his pee stinks, and I find myself sniffing the air as soon as I step in at home. Husband is against this but his solution involves a stinky home and never going on vacation - I love Loki but I cannot live with either of those. So we have the vet appointment in July, I really hope this won't be too hard on him.

 

This post was a bit random, I'm sorry about it - I'm afraid it reflects my current mindset. Weightwise: still stuck at 62.8kg (138lbs - BMI 21.7)

 

Song: "Faded" by Alan Walker (again)

All my life on my head (don't want to think about it)

 It's been a bit of a rough week. First my computer died on me on Wednesday, and after arguing with IT (they initially offered to give me a new one on June 25....) for a couple hours, I managed to grab one at 6PM, with most of the updates yet to be done but at least I'm relatively autonomous at this - I still lost almost a full day of work, and this is the busiest season of the year...

On Thursday I had a client event in the evening at one of the rooftops with the best cathedral view in the city - just as I was about to leave the office with two colleagues who were also attending, a (difficult) client of mine called screaming and threatening to sue the firm. Long story short, legal department (not mine) has made a mistake in sharing information, and client now wants their heads on a tray. Which is not something I can offer. I apologized profusely, called legal and ask them to deal with the mess. Fast forward to Friday morning 7h30AM (after a relevant number of gin tonics on Thursday night I shall add) client was already calling me, screaming, even more enraged than the previous night. Among other things I heard "we're going to sue everyone in the firm" "we're going to drag you in the dirt" "we will destroy your reputation" and much more. I took about 20 minutes and then calmly said "Look, I do understand you are furious and rightly so, I apologize again and I'm trying to work to fix this. At the same time, you've been working with me for over a year, and you always noted how good and professional my team was. Now as much as I understand your position, please try and also see mine: it's another team and another partner that made a mistake, and I'm taking all your frustration". He calmed a little but reinstated he wants this to escalate.

It was not a great day.

Mischief called me that night (he needed more help with his investment thing) and could see I was not in a very good place, he was nice at listening to what happened and trying to cheer me and shared some gossip from the US firm. I stayed away from any conversation about meeting each other or anything about the two of us, I was not calm enough to have this kind of conversation. I have also kind of decided to try and not be the one who initiates conversations - not sure I'll be capable to respect this decision, we'll see. I should also mention: he looked incredibly good. I kind of wanted to eat him. I think he just got a haircut, and he was tan and oh my God I wanted him. (at least I think I also looked good, I have a bit of tan, had my hair straightened and was wearing a shirt same color as my eyes)

I'm spending the weekend at the lake, trying to get a tan and spending some time with my parents. I drove here this morning, I put the car top down and just drove by the lake in the warm air and that was by far the best hour of the week. I normally hate driving but it felt good.

Weight update: yesterday I woke at 62.5kg - 138 pounds - BMI 21.5. But I may have been a but dehydrated, it's been consistently reaching 100F and Thursday night event was open air so...

Song for this post: "Disturbia" by Rihanna

Ad a pic of Thursday night - my arms are still big but overall I was not unhappy with the look

A big question, followed by a big silence

 Today I turn 44, which sounds unreal. I had a party at home last Friday night, and I must say I really felt loved and surrounded by friends. I know, most of these relationships stem from work, but the fact that people who stopped working with me years ago are still friends I see and talk to often and that they show they still care is somehow reassuring.

(my mother in my young years and then my husband always told me I have no friends and I never managed not to be hurt from their assessment).

The party went on from 7PM to midnight when I basically told the last few people it was time for them to go home, considering the amount of alcohol consumed :-)

Sunday I suggested that maybe husband and I could spend an extra half an hour in bed for some fun and was clearly met with a "no it's late I have to go to the gym and then I want to work a bit before lunch". ooooookay.

The rest of the weekend was spent tiding up, going to the gym, having lunch outside and working a bit - and talking to Maria who at least is going through phases now, sometimes she's obsessive and crying but sometimes seems to be more tranquil - and this is a big improvement from crying 24/7. I suspect I will probably have to talk to her every day at least until mid August when she gets to Italy but it's ok as long as she's making some progress. I wish I could convince her to seek professional help but she flatly refuses.

Mischief is.... I don't even know what to say. I ended texting my question and well, a big question was met by a big silence I would say. Well, that's not even true, I explained about the SF thing which blew up and something crazy that happened with a client and  wrote:

Me: "question is: if I happen to be in the US this summer/autumn, do you want to see me?"

Mischief: "That's crazy stuff. Yes call you Friday"

Then he disappeared, texted some random stuff yesterday and disappeared again.

Honestly I don't know. There are moments when I think I shall just tell him hey, let's meet in NY in a couple of weeks (he'll be there) and moments when I think "what the hell Lucy? the guy does not want you". The first kind of moments usually happen when I'm high from vaping.

I hate it when I cannot read a situation but I'm not sure if I cannot read it, or to quote my brother, if he's just not that into me. May be I just do not want to acknowledge the latter, but on one thing I trust my gut: I have never felt so alive in the past 20 years as I have with him, and I feel the same is true for him.

Weight: still stuck at 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. But after the drinking, the pizza, the meat of the weekend, I consider it a success. Now I have two weeks ahead of restriction.

On a different note, I want to fully enjoy this summer. I want to travel a bit, to spend more time outdoor, to get as tan as possible (I am a huge user of SFP 50 don't worry). My friends from university were organizing to meet in Helsinki and I immediately said yes (then plans got postponed to next summer because the one who lives farther away (Bangkok) broke his feet but my point is until last year I would have said "sounds lovely but no thanks". Now that I feel good again, I want to live.

Song for this post: "Spending my time" Roxette

Interlude - Maria

Foreword: this post may be triggering - it is not about weight loss, but mental illness, depression, loss and death of a pet (not mine) are unfortunately the main topics. Please do not read it if you think it may harm or hurt you.

 Maria is my friend from the French years (though she's Italian). 

I do not write a lot about her, but I'm sure I mentioned her many years ago here.

Over the years, I let her down, and trust me, not because I'm jealous. It's simply difficult. Time seems to never be enough, and it's often not easy to talk to her. Sometimes she can spend two consecutive hours on the phone going obsessively through details of something that feels irrelevant, and not even ask "and how are you my friend?". Her depression comes and goes, but the lows are low. Time has not made things easier for her, quite the opposite. With her condition, it has become more and more difficult for her to hold on to a job, so she's often unemployed and money is tight. 

Over the years, many of her friends have left Lyon, where she still lives, and she has grown apart from others, so she's also a bit lonely.

Recently we had spoken a few times, she had suggested a French novel on friendship between women that I absolutely adored and just last weekend she had some plans to go to a Capoeira workshop in the Alps with some nice people. She sounded better and I was so happy to hear her like this.

Then on Monday I got a text from her sister who was panicking that something had happened and Maria was going nuts.

Basically Maria has had a cat over the last 8 years, Maya, who had become her emotional support. Maria's flatmate left a window opened, and Maya jumped out chasing a bird and crushed badly on the street 3 floors down. They took her to the vet but there was nothing they could do.

I spent most of this week on the phone with her crying desperately and saying she no longer wants to live. It's been tough - it still is. On Monday and Tuesday I was extremely concerned. While I still am, I do feel she's a tiny bit more stable now, but it's really painful being so helpless when someone you love is hurting so badly.

Short weight update: 64kg (141lbs) BMI 22.1. Slowly but steadily in the right direction.

Song for this post: "Joining you" by Alanis Morrissette

I would stand in line for this

 "Interesting" was his reply. (I had texted him: "So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California" ) Then he added: 

"Lmk when you know" - followed by

"I'm on NY and India in jul"

I did not reply to this.

Meanwhile, since my life is never under control (and never was, let's face it), the situation has changed entirely:

- I will actually be in San Francisco again in late June for a few days, I probably won't in July

- I have been so busy I literally have not had the time and energy to even text Mischief, but interestingly he hasn't either.

My idea is to get him on the phone early next week, tell him about the SF and ask if he wants to see me or not. At this point I want to understand it, I'm not interested in being someone he chats with when he is bored if he chickens out when it's time to see each other.

This may sound aggressive, but I do not want bullshit. If he backs out, fine, I'll lick my wounds and move forward.

Weight-wise, I am exactly where I was at the last post, despite training like crazy. Still better than a gain though.

On a completely different note, I got tickets for a big Anyma show. If you've never heard of him, check out the Sphere show he did last year.

Song for this post: "Extreme ways" by Moby (one of the songs that keeps coming back into my life as decades go by)

Cliffhanger

 It's a long weekend down here as Monday and Tuesday we have bank holiday.

The heat wave is incredible, given it's not even June, but I'm not complaining. I'm at the stage is life where I realize the number of summers I have ahead of me is finite. I love the long days, I usually wake upd before 6AM and I love that it's not dark.

Weight update: 65.1kg or 143.5lbs - BMI: 22.5.

Not where I want to be of course but at least it's progress.

Tomorrow we booked a day at a new SPA with lots of outdoor space and water, I really hope to tan a little, as I'm still pale and I love being tan. I'll use sunscreen don't worry! But I really love laying in the sun. We could not go to the seaside for the weekend, so I'm happy at least we're doing this.

Jay update: first of all, from now on (and backwards) let's change his name to Mischief.

After a couple days of internal debate (during which Mischief texted me frequently) I finally dropped a bomb text today (I assume he's still sleeping given time difference). It says:

"So.. when I said I’ll be traveling again in July what I meant is there’s a 90% chance I’ll be in California"

Admittedly I'm kind of scared to see how he will react, as this will define a lot about the future of this dream I guess. I mean, this can literally be the end of it, but it has to be I'd rather end it now than spending 6 months watching it fade away.

Also I kind of hate when I give myself this kind of cliffhanger but it is what it is.

First day of summer

 Happy Memorial day to US readers!

 

Weight update:

I started this year at 75kg (165lbs, BMI: 26). Am currently at 66kg (145lbs, BMI: 22.8).

It would have been a 65 had I not been in Madrid last week (lus last Saturday - more below; however, Madrid was good. It was a meeting of the western Europe leadership for work, and everybody commented on how great I looked. At almost 44, this is still a trigger and I'm afraid I will not get better - I enjoy compliments.

 

 Tomorrow I am seeing the dietician - I was supposed to reach  65, but again, with three weeks of work-related travel, I feel it's still okay, but I'm keen to see if he will change the diet or not. I kind of hope not as I'm genuinely enjoying what I'm eating, but we'll see.

 

I have two goals that are so different from each other it's almost laughable. First one (I'm almost there): no chafing tights when I walk. I've been wearing shorts under dresses for so many years…. I think if I drop a couple more kg I will get there.

Second goal: I'd really like to get a 6pack again. I know, this is pure vanity but… I even have a few pcs from AFTER I got married where I sported a 6 pack. But I think I need to be max 55-56kg for this and it's a long way from where I am now so we'll see. I probably need an intermediate goal (first number to be a 5 - at 59kg I would be 130lbs or BMI 20.4).

 

I wrote that I'm fighting for my marriage to work - and I am. For the weekend I organized something: my team had gifted me a wine experience at Masi, a fine producer of Amarone in the North East of Italy, that involved a guided tour, wine tasting (5 wines) and lunch - so I booked and we went. I convinced husband to take the roof off the car (we have a small convertible) and it really was the first day of summer, we enjoyed the escapade a lot. Of course it was a disaster diet-wise, but at least I skipped dinner. There was also some sex on Sunday (but guess who got things started?).

 

Mischief called me on Friday night as he was heading to a show at the Sphere in Vegas and spent one hour on the phone. Half of it was in relation to some investment he wants to make and he asked if I could help him with this, which I'm happy to do. No he's not exploiting me - and he has helped me with getting insights and collabs with other West Coast people in our organization, which is not a given at all trust me.

 

A couple of pictures: first one was taken over our wine experience, and second in Madrid by a silly colleague

San Francisco part II

 "What? no! I mean, it's not that I don't like you, but I didn't have a plan or anything"

I stayed quiet and looked at him

"Why would you ask something like that?"

"Because I don't know your intentions"

"I don't - I - ..." (I am so mean that I smiled, it was good that for once he was the one stammering in a conversation) "I haven't thought about it this way, I just wanted to see you, I think about 24/7.." and then he quieted.

I stood up, took his hand and said "Let's go and walk. I didn't want to make you unease, I was genuinely curios of your motives and am too neurodivergent to figure". He smiled, held my hand and off we went walking. At this point of course he started making fun of me, and we were laughing all the way to the waterside. We got to one of the piers, close to the San Francisco - Oakland bay bridge, that was all alight in the dark, and suddenly we went quiet. I may have shivered (it was getting colder), he got his arm around me and leaned in to kiss me.

I whispered "Mischief you said.." and he backed off, saying "You are right. Let's go back". We walked back to our hotel and went to the bar and got a bottle of white wine and talked until after the bar closed, I think little after midnight. It was surprisingly not awkward, we talked about our spouses, his family, lots of things really. Then he said "I need some sleep ahead of tomorrow meeting" and we went to the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed, he kissed me and this time I could not back-off. He took me to his room and went on kissing me softly. Then suddenly he was backing off, and i said fine but walk me upstairs to my room. Of course he came in and we must have gone on kissing for another hour based on the watch although it seemed like 5 minutes

I have replayed this scene endlessly in my mind and the only way I have come to describe how I felt is: I felt I was sixteen years old again, minus the anxiety.

I said I was going to write the truth, so: at some point I peeled his hands off my ass and placed them on my boobs (braless, like 95% of the times these days - and to be honest, my boobs are my best asset after my hair) and I guess this was crossing an unseen line because he moaned and say "I must go now - call me for breakfast" and left. He texted me a minute later Goodnight (this is how I know it was almost 2 AM).

I think I just stood by the window in the same spot we were together, breathed and watch the bridge for a long moment. Eventually I washed my face, changed into my PJ, drank some water, set the alarm at 5h45AM and went to bed.

I got up that early as I had a videocall for a project at 7AM with an European client, so I did a bit of yoga, showered, washed my hair, braided it, got dressed, started the call, went through it like a champion (allow me this much guys), talked some more to my team in Europe, packed my stuff to be ready to leave later for my flights, and called Mischief who was clearly sleeping. 

I went downstair for breakfast and to my utter horror some of my colleagues were still there. At least I had told one of them that I was staying and meeting a friend! I got a table for two and then went to sit a bit with them while waiting for Mischief, who arrived ten minutes later and then we sat at our table. At least we did not arrive together!!

I was a bit shaky. I ordered yoghurt and granola and almost spit the first spoonful. My inner lower lip was throbbing, and later I realize it looked like a nightmare. I was puzzled, but did not really think much of it, except I was unable to eat anything. We went for a long walk and talked a bit, we even saw a coyote (America is full of wonders). There was a bit of an awkward moment when I slipped my arm in Mischief's and he stepped back saying sorry, I cannot be seen around holding arms, but I shrugged and we went on; Mischief was switching between how we were going to see each other again in the future for sure, and work topics, and then maybe we'll see each other in a year or so (my heart sank). Eventually we went back to the hotel, I got my stuff and started to wonder if he was going to say bye like this as if nothing happened. He walked to to the corner where my Uber was waiting and then hugged me super tight for like three minutes and then kissed me in the middle of the street. Eventually I got into my uber and off to the airport. This was on Thursday early afternoon west coast (night in Europe)

My lip was killing me...

I was dazed and shaky. he kept texting me until I was home in Milan (so basically non stop over the following 20 hours (my connection in Paris was delayed), although I slept a lot on the plane). I could not eat anything until Saturday morning, when luckily I had already scheduled a dentist appointment for a normal check up (I'm doing aligners these days), and then my dentist went on nailing me. She said "This is an allergic reaction, how come you ate something that gave you this and did not end up in ER?"

It suddenly dawned on me that Mischief had had shrimps (I end up into ER if I eat shellfish). I think I blushed a lot and made up some unconvincing story. She gave me a cortisone cream and cut off some tissue and made things better.

And this is it my friends. Mischief texts me and sometimes calls, I have been travelling to Lisbon and Madrid, and am finally back home. He should have called on Sunday night but I was home with husband and asked him not to, as last time I spoke to him my legs were shaking so bad I had to sit for 5 minutes after the call and this even my husband would notice.

Short weight update: I ate too much in Madrid and am now at 66kg (145lbs, or BMI 22.8). 

I'm sorry this post was so long, but I really wanted to spill everything and be done with telling the full story. I do not know where this leaves me, except that I am still fighting for my marriage to work. Mischief is a dream that I will never forget, but such dream lives 10 thousand miles away, and while I'd like to keep dreaming a little longer, I know I'll likely never see him again.

Song for this post: "Don't be so shy" by Imany. Check it out if you don't know it

San Francisco part I

 While I know this is debatable, I need to tell the whole Mischief story, and trust me, I'm doing this for me as it helps me getting in touch with reality. So, here's another portion.

Once I got the news that I did not need to have a massive surgery, I decided that it was time to get some help on the weight loss journey, beyond ChatGPT which is very dear t me, but has its limitations. I went to see a doctor who is very well known, in the hope that he would maybe give me a GLP1. Although he did not, he gave me a diet that I'm actually enjoying, making sure to include lots of things I love and that I find satisfying.

I got there in late March, and I was 71kg (BMI 24.6), and I'll have to go again next Tuesday. 

Work was a bit peculiar in April, I had few projects, all more complex than they were worth, so a bit unsatisfying. I knew I was thinking too much about Mischief but told myself to just drop it, as I was never going to see him again in my life. I was (and still am) training a lot, I have upgraded my routine to include some weights on top of the elliptical machine, and on Thursdays I do HIIT at the park outside my place with a personal trainer and a small group of 4-5 people.

In early April I found out that I was going to San Francisco in the first week of May, and in the chat that Mischief had set up with me and Carlos we had promised to update each other on travels, so I did mention this. Mischief replied immediately "I can arrange plans to meet there". Then he disappeared for a couple weeks which admittedly kind of lowed my spirits. I remember biking to work one morning and telling myself that I had been dreaming, that he certainly had not been giving me the eye, and to move on with my life. I even kind of managed to do so.

I was on the verge of buying my plane tickets without further considerations, when he resurfaced and started texting me outside the chat. As my agenda was super packed from breakfast to dinner from Monday to Wednesday, and I wanted to set up a couple extra meetings on Wednesday afternoon when my main purpose of travel would be over (and my other European colleagues were flying back), he suggested to meet for dinner on Wednesday and I thought this was a good plan allowing me to meet the bankers I wanted to see while there, as there were no convenient flights back on Wed night, I would fly back on Tuesday afternoon. Mischief being Mischief he also set up a few meetings on Thursday (read: he went to see Nvidia guys) and thus the plan was settled.

I had never been to San Francisco, and travelled there with French colleagues, which I love because French is much easier than English for me and they are really two fun guys. Once landed on Monday, we had a couple hours to spare and walked to Pier39 to see the sea lions (that I had never seen in my life and man I loved them!!!!), and the long walk really helped me start the week on the right foot with almost no jet lag. The days flew by and in an eyeblink it was Wednesday afternoon. I wrapped up my meetings, and walked back to the hotel - it was a lovely warm day, and Mischief was texting me about dinner plans, and I wrote him "I've literally spent the last two days seating - can we just walk around a bit and grab something casually? I swear that if you told me let's skip dinner and grab something from a food truck I would be delighted" and he said that sounded great. I showered, looked at the classy, feminine and expensive top I had brought with me for the occasion, and instead I wore a man button down shirt, the usual kind I wear at work these days, with some white linen trousers and my black leather jacket. I literally had no idea on Mischief's motives to be there, and I thought it made more sense to just show him the same exact version of me he'd seen in Mountain View. Well, at least I was 67kg (148lbs), so roughly 15lbs less than I was at such time.

At 5PM I was in the lobby when he came - he saw me, smiled and hugged me tight - and at that point I thought "All is good, he really wants to be friend with me". 

We stepped out and started walking randomly and picked up the conversation as if Mountain View had finished 2 hours earlier instead of 2 months earlier. At some point we stopped at a nice place, sat at the bar drinking Sancerre for a while and we were having a blast. We got a table and a beef tartare and Mischief got some shrimps and I was teasing him endlessly on his eating non kosher food. All was good but I started having mixed feelings about what was going on, not in a bad way, but I was unable to read the situation. Once food was finished and we were finishing our wine and that is when the neurodivergent me straightly said: "Let me ask you a question: did you come here to fuck me?"

Song for this post: "Supergirl" in the Della Chaos version

Mountain View part II and more horrors

 The four of us went to a beautiful (but strange) place called Rosewood Sand Hill in Palo Alto. The bar was classy, but a hybrid thing where everyone was standing but no one danced, which apparently is normal in California but for the two Europeans in the group was weird?

Anyways the night quickly took off, company was great. After a first bottle of Dom Perigno (fort of 4 and admittedly I generously contributed to the emptying of the bottles) and a few Negronis, At some point the guys started talking sports and I waltzed my way towards two Israeli girls who were clearly looking for a distraction (read: they were wearing very deep a neck blouses and very red lipsticks) and made friends with them, they were super fun and told me how the ate mothers, bored with their life and so on and they were super nice. 

That is until Alex, started screaming at me “Lucy stop talking to hookers and come back here”. 

I saw red - turned to Mischief who looked horrified and hissed at him “Seriously? Those are not hookers Mischief. The one that has been sitting closer and closer to you is though”.

Somehow Mischief managed to be gracious enough to fix things, inviting Sara and Dvora to have a glass with us.

Much later, after the ladies left, the real hooker came to talk to me and slipped a hand under my shirt “your boobs are so beautiful “ she said. She was very drunk and older than I expected and I think she was really looking for an easy job. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and gently told her Thank you but I was not into it. She desisted and went her way. I turned and my friends were.. speechless…

By then most of the people had left, our tab was amounting to $2,500 (seriously everything in the US is overpriced) and I made my way to the restroom. 

Did I wait to check if I could hear footsteps following me? I did, out of curiosity really. No one followed me. 

When I came back the Americans started talking about how they are scared of divorcing and I was puzzled. Mischief especially was serious and I was like why if you don’t fuck around why would you divorce I mean your wife is a stay at home mom, why would she leave you? And that’s where he started complaining she never wants to have sex and I said wait, you do use lubricant right? Once again everyone was speechless (apparently no they did not). I was baffled and said guys your wives are no longer 20, they just don’t get that wet, lube is your best friend just don’t make a big deal of it! It’s a few bucks per pack and makes your sex life so much more enjoyable!

We also spent a long time talking how it's different to do business in the US vs Europe and how it's different for men and women - I would never go to a dinner alone with a male client in Milan, although I may do it if we were both travelling (I would still prefer to be more than 2 people). Europe is flexing towards business lunch these days... but reality is that it's easier for men (clients are 99% men so apologies if I sound biased).

The night started slowing down after that and eventually we made it back to the hotel at 2am with the usual promises of everlasting friendship (Alex was too drunk for those and anyways..) Mischief and I were on the top floor at the hotel and again I thought he was giving me the eye when he said goodnight out of my room but I did my best to casually say Nite and thanks I had a great night and quicklyake it into my room to avoid any confusion.

The next day was the last. Alex never showed up at the training, I felt fine, Carlos had a bad headache and I proceeded teasing Mischief saying that if his wife was going to see the bar bill he would be divorced in no time under the accusation of having paid strippers and we had a good laugh. Mischief hugged me goodbye a little longer and a little closer than Carlos did but it felt good and off I went back to Europe.

I came home to find that I was still 72kg (159lbs). The week later I was in Amsterdam where they filmed me for the interview where I look like a whale and it was hard. 

I should also mention that over the past four years I have not been good. As part of the overall horrible body situation, I got never-ending periods (at the worst point over one summer I experienced 70 days of bleeding, 10 days off, followed by 45 more days bleeding) with huge back pains and smarting joints. This has not helped with the weight, with my feelings towards my body (and with our sex life tbh). I have seen several different doctors who always told me it was normal and to just deal with it. Back in September I tried a new doctor who finally listened to me and immediately put me on different meds that almost stopped the bleeding, and then prescribed some more analyses. I got some results before Mountain View and they basically found a tumor but did not know what kind in my womb, so I had to do two biopsies right after Mountain View and before the Netherlands. I was seriously depressed, although because I've been through horrible years that could have been dealt with. Doctors told me in any case I shall probably have my womb removed. No cliffhangers here, I got all the biopsies done and it turned out to be a benign thing, and eventually my doctor said that I should not undergo surgery for the time being, continue the meds (bleeding has now completely stopped and I am immensely grateful) and keep the thing monitored once a year through a scan. I also got positive feedback on dealing it this way from my Brother (who's a doctor).

To add more horrors, my mom (the Panther) got a knee replaced while I was in the US, replunged in her anorexia and stopped eating. Of course she got anemic and they would not release her from the hospital, and then she escaped and went home. On the day after my biopsies I drove to my parents place and spent two days cooking stuff and freezing or putting it under vacuum so they would have food while she was using crutches. In exchange I got a lot of sneaky remarks on how fat I am.

My mom is still eating very little and is now 44kg (97lbs) and ecstatic about this.

Husband meanwhile has been there although it sometimes seems like we share a house. I mean, he has not initiated sex in years, and after the bleeding stopped back at the end of September I've tried to make this somehow more frequent but... it's a bit embarrassing to always be the one that starts things you know? He's having a hard time at work (but he's been bitching about it over the past two years), and I often feel he really resents that I've achieved a better career than he has over the past 3 years (it was always the opposite way around previously). I'm not trying to justify anything, this is just how things are. I certainly still love him and I'm invested in our relationship, although this will sound phony in the next post, please do believe me.

The thing is I've been travelling a lot and you may remember from the past some of his "lapses", when I would be away for work and he would get wasted and high and end up with a broken arm, a twisted foot, black eyes or this kind of things. This year it's easier for me because now two (beloved) nieces moved to Milan and always hang out at our place and I've been basically blackmailing them to come over to our apartment as much as possible when I'm away (it was my friend Matt who suggested this genius strategy). I had almost always worked, just last week there was a minor episode where I think he fell coming home but nothing dramatic.

Meanwhile, Mischief set up a chat with me and Carlos and we kept texting....

Song for this post: Chandelier, by Sia

(forgive typos, most of this long post was typed on my iphone and my nails are too long)

The horrors and Montain View part I

 Let's start with the main, most important topic - which is weight of course.

Tears spring into my eyes when I realize I never write here the extent of the damage - but this has always been my place for confession so to the truth I shall stick. 

In Spring 2025 I hit 80kg, or 176lbs a MBI of 27.7.

I know. Just reading this on the screen makes me have a hard time breathing.

Last year I did restrict for a couple months and dropped 5kg, bringing me to 75kg or 165lbs by summer 25 - I basically did this with some help from ChatGPT. I then remained stable until February 2026.

In February 2026, right before the week in Mountain View (more later on this), I started again a ChatGPT project and lost 4kg in a couple months, despite spending almost 1 month travelling for work (which makes it very hard to restrict, trust me) between the week in California, one week in the Netherlands and a couple short trips to Germany. 

What happened in Mountain View? I was there for a training, and it was a great one - I had actually won it as an internal corporate award (and trust me I did compete hard because I wanted it) and the topics were super interesting. HOWEVER, right before leaving I got hit by anxiety - feeling akward, fat, and out of place. To partly explain: i) my English is poor (French is my second language) and I had just started aligners which do not improve my articulation and ii) you may think it was an event with colleagues and it's true, but even in my organization I do something that is extremely niche both in terms of activity (financial due diligence) and sectors (Media & Tech), while ppl usually do audit or consulting for private equity or manufacturing - add that I have no kids and I do not watch sports...

Anyways, I flew in, got super jet lagged, and when the even started I stumbled to the table I was assigned to (men only, of course! and not even a French!) and 5 minutes into the kick-off someone sighted and dropped into the empty chair next to me. I quickly looked and judged him American - from his teeth (don't get me wrong lovelies - only Americans have such shiny perfect white teeth that look like they were polished with a blue laser sword!).

Mischief introduced himself as a cybersecurity person, working for the Media sector. I instantly felt better.

The training was even above my expectations, and I spent the week waking up at 2 (hello jet lag), doing work with Europe until 5:30, hitting the gym (why so full so early?), showering, more work, training all day followed by dinner and drinks which I always had with Carlos, a cool guy from Spain, Mischief, Kevin and Alex. Despite the horrible weather, I had a blast and always felt super good. At least one week of full immersion improved my English.

On the last evening Mischief sneaked me out of dinner with the promise of bringing me and Carlos to a "real Palo Alto place" and Alex joined as well. He had already hauled an Uber when I suddenly shivered and almost chickened out. He seemed sad and I changed my mind again but stared at him and said "Promise me I will not regret this in any way". He looked at me and said "I promise".

More in another post tomorrow, I promise!

Song for this post: "California Dreaming" - the version sung by Sia

Are you thinking of me?

 Random pieces of dialogues with Mischief

“Are you still so worried about divorcing as last time I saw you?”

“No actually. I followed your advice (note to reader: the advice was: buy some lubricant and use it) and have reached an agreement, we now have sex every time I want to”

I failed to choke with laughter at this because it is true that I told him to stop complaining and that if his wife did not want to have sex he should find a way to fix it but the first thing to do was use lubricant. Also this kind of agreement seems a bit sad to me but who am I to say anything? It’s not like my life is much better from this pov.

I also don’t really know why I end up having this kind of conversation with coworkers - no wonder they see me more like a Bro than a woman.

But it didn’t look like he was thinking of me like a Bro later when he kissed me.

I’m wondering Mischief, are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Still here (but on the other side of the world)

 I won't disappear that early.

Spent the week in San Francisco for work. Zero control over the calorie intake - also lots of wine. Well, I'm basically fasting today because I got some seriously soreness in my mouth, so hopefully when I get on the scale again (which will be Saturday morning) I will not cry.

San Francisco is a crazy place - most of the consulting work I do is on Tech & Media companies and well, this city lives in 2036. I mean some things are delusional, but honestly, I love the self driving cars and everything, the vibe, the topics ppl talk about. And I got to see the sea lions which were awesome (never seen any before in my life).

I also met the guy I thought was giving me the eye. I guess he was giving me the eye after all.

Next week I'll be in Lisbon for a couple days, and the week after that in Madrid - always for work. No ideas how I'm gonna stay off food and wine though.

They're calling my flight so... more to come soon

Guess who’s back?

 Do I deserve your attention? Certainly not but you all know why ai am back.

Ok you do not know the exact trigger (but you already figured the situation) so let me share this.

In February I went on a work trip to the US and it was very interesting and also fun. I met some colleagues from other countries and even thought one fancied me. This is just to record I thought this, of course I didn’t care but I thought he was giving me the eye.

The week after that I had another work event in Europe and I was filmed for an interview. They shared the final cut today.

I look like a sea lion perched on a stool.

I shall also add that the interview was not at my peak weight which was 80kg last year (I dropped 6kg before the interview and 4 more since).

I have no idea how I thought anyone could possibly fancy me.

I am fucking horrified. My mother, bless her, is right. She, incidentally, has lost further weight after a knee surgery and is now 45kg.

The worst part is you wouldn’t believe how much training I am doing.

At this point t I shall just stop eating but I also thought it was time to come back to the place that always helped me. 

I missed you lovelies