Waiting for the Miracle: fall

Showing posts with label fall. Show all posts

13 July 2020

Skinnier or sober? pieces of conversations

Pain is calling me

and it whispers to me softly "come and play"

I am falling

and IF I LET MYSELF FALL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch,

but why do I feel this party is over?

Coming down, coming down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm looking for myself skinnier

When it's good then it's good it's so good 'till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry never again

broken down in agony just trying to puke again.

(this is what I actually hear when I listen to Pink's Sober)

"You need to lose weight darling"

"I know mom, I do"

"Next time I'll cook the meat so it won't be tempting"

"Yes mom, let's do this".

"How much did you lose from last Saturday?"

"3kg" (that's 6.6lbs for you guys)

"It's too much! have you been fasting??"

"No dad. I have had lunch and dinner every day. I'm just stressed. And I probably gained 2kg back in the weekend"

"...."

"I know"

24 October 2017

Random thoughts

Failure is the reason beyond my silence.
Somehow, I managed to reach 139 pounds (63kg), for a BMI of 22.1.
Quoting the amazing To kill a mockingbird, "Atticus told me to delete the adjectives, and I'd have the facts", so this is the ~~blunt~~ truth.
I don't even know how exactly it happened; probably a combination of weekend binges and too many nights where instead of salad I chose the comfort of cookies and milk. The level of stress has been so high since the end of August that this tends to happen pretty often.
On top, I seem to spend my life in airports, as I'm flying to London and back at least once and often twice a week, to spend the day in neverending meetings where I indulge walker cookies (ginger stems are my passion)
However, making excuses will not change facts, and so I followed the suggestions from a skinny boy that works with me and started this Clean 9 program. The idea is that you start with 2 days of fasting (I'm only drinking a cup of skimmed milk per day), and then you have 6 more days restricting.
I dropped three pounds on day one, which is not bad. I hope to drop at least one more by tomorrow morning.
The program also involves drinking some aloe vera gel (overall circa 80kcals a day), which is so utterly disgusting that it probably helps in killing any appetite for real food.

I managed to fast for three days, follow the program for 2 more, and then started puking. I quickly abandoned the aloe shit, and I'm still stuck at 61.5kg (135.6lbs).

I really need to eat less and, even more important, train more.
If by next year in December I have not managed to enter the Partner selection program at work, I'm giving up this job. Honestly, it's really overwhelming. I did not work last weekend, and it was the first time since August (by "I did not work" I mean I left the office at 10PM on Friday night, had a call on Sunday afternoon, and was back at 8AM on Monday morning, but I did not turn on my computer).