What the hell am I going to do?

I went out last night for a good, Milan style aperitivo, and had a blast. The kind of aperitivo where you meet CEOs working in the fashion industry, and they are quite relieved to meet girls that are not just bodies (no offence to models)

Then, since I was downtown, I pinged Steve on his blackberry asking if he wanted to get the underground together to go home. He said sure, so we met downtown and headed to the bar outside the office for a beer. He was grumpy at first, and then he cheered up and we had a good time. At a certain point, he told me he is not so sure anymore he’ll move abroad. People, that made my day! After two beers, we decided to call it a night and went to the office parking to get my bike, and I hugged him

“You smell good” I said, my nose buried between his collar bone and his neck, even though with the heels I was wearing I was probably close to 5ft11 (around 180cm).

“Yeah sure. It’s been warmer than the Sahara all day long”

“You still smell good”

I got my bike and walked him home (he lives on my way home), and outside his place we hugged and kissed a little bit.

“Don’t make it more difficult than it already is” he moaned

I just hugged him tighter.

Later, at home, I really wished I could drift into sleep next to him.

This morning, I woke up at 120.2lbs. Could have been worse! Now, I’ve got to head towards 115.

Boyfriend is leaving for NYC tonight, and he’ll be away for a week. Then, he should move in. I am trying to make up my mind, and I have yet to decide if I’m going to go on with this thing, or if I’m going to dump him. I know, I’m an awful bitch. Forgive me.

(Amongst other thoughts, from a discussion with Bro, I said I’m happy living on my own. I said how great my life is. I said “Hell, I’m way closer to being skinny than I’ve ever been since I met Boyfriend”)

La Dolce Vita

I spent the weekend at the parents’ place, by the lake, as usual.

I wish I could say I stayed away from the boys, but of course it’s not true: I exchanged phone calls and emails with Boyfriend, Steve and Alejandro. UGH.

I didn’t do much on Saturday, because the weather wasn’t great. I just cooked lunch for Bro’s family, over ate, hung out with my mother, and then cooked dinner for mom, granny and her sister, over-ate.

Right after cleaning up the kitchen, Bro called me saying he was going to run a match race (like a regatta but with two boats only) at night, and offering me to join. Of course I said yes! The night was warm but very windy, so I grabbed my wetsuit and threw it in my bag with all my staff and ran out.

Bro was waiting for me with the tender and before he started rowing he cracked a bottle of beer open and gave it to me.

“A storm is coming, sis. Do you have the guts for this?” he teased me

“Man up Bro, because if you’re in, I’m in!”

Needless to say, while I was climbing into the boat, Bro’s buddies grab my bag and threw me into the water, so I was totally soaked before even starting!! Oh, and I managed to dive without losing my bottle, so Bro was all “look at my Sis, she’s the best, you throw her into the water but no matter what she won’t lose her booze!”.

I quickly changed into my wetsuit, and off we went. We sailed through the night, and the storm kept getting closer only to get away for a while and then come back. It was AMAZING; the lighting would crack allowing us to see the whole lake and the other boat, we would laugh, sail and drink…. It felt like silver screen.

I got home at 4, completely soaked (it poured rain around 2.15 and 2.30 in the morning), Bro’s kids were asleep as well as the Parents, so I didn’t even take a shower and went straight to bed, thinking “I want to live like this forever, I want this summer to last forever.”

Of course Mom woke me up at 6AM to go hiking.. UGH. Whatever. We did go hiking, and that’s good since I had eaten so much! We were back by 11.30, and I thought I would nap through three solid hours and then ride my Vespa to my grandfather. Instead, I had to babysit Bro’s kids until 7PM and then cook dinner for mom and dad. Needless to say, I binged, also because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Well, at least I spent the whole afternoon swimming, rawing on my kayak, and diving, all for the kids, so I did exercise.

So today I had a 400kcals lunch at the canteen, all while watching the ana girl from work who only had three spoonful of zucchini, all the while staring at my lunch with disgust. UGH.

As for the boys department… I’m not doing good. I can’t help having feelings for Steve. Let’s be honest: I don’t want to cut him off and I will not do it. I only have a few weeks left with him, and I’d rather live for the moment right now.

I’ll go to see Eclipse tonight, and then I’ll weight myself tomorrow morning. I hope I didn’t do too much damage!!

Breathe

I did not manage to fast on Monday (friend came over for dinner… ugh), but I did fast yesterday and I’m going on today. 122lbs this morning, before hitting the gym for a long overdue 500kcals burning session. Man it felt good.

Also, I have very long, slightly curly hair that lately I always blow dry straight (until 2 months ago or so, I never used to blow dry it). Now that I finally fully manage the technique (17 minutes from stepping out of the shower to having dry, straightish waist-long blond hair), I’m considering slightly scaling it. A bit like Niki from Heroes, do you remember her looks in Season 1?

Something like this (although my hair is a bit darker).

Anyway, I know you have opinions about the Boyfriend / Steve debacle.

In first place, consider this: when Boyfriend moves here, his friends will stay in France. I mean his “lady-friends” from work. And we lived together for two years and things were good. So I’m hoping that things will be good again. IF things don’t work out (with all the living together again), we’ll split. But right now, I’d be an awful bitch. After all, he’s going to leave his life, work and friends behind and he’s moving to a new country just for me.

I saw Steve last night… I think we’re good. I mean, Steve’s not in love with me. Sure, he has feelings for me, but let’s consider these point: (i) he only tries to kiss me when drunk, (ii) he hooked up with a girl from Brazil while in Greece and (iii) Steve’s probably leaving the country for two years or so starting next November.

Yet, he remains my rock. Work would be (will be?) totally unbearable without him. Outside work, I would feel way more lonely if we didn’t spend half of our evenings hanging out together.

Last night we had a beer at the corner, then he walked me home. I hugged him and asked if he wanted to come upstairs, although he totally understood it was a friendly (and not sexy) offer. So he hugged me back and said he wanted to go home because he was tired. I checked a little later that he was home and safe (Steve’s known for getting lost at ten meters from his place, at least here in the city), said goodnight and went to sleep. That’s what a best friend does. That’s what I want.

Last but not least: what happened to Bella from Return of the Wolves? Her blog is missing and I’m kinda worried.

I love you all, skinnies

Show me love (+ t.A.T.u. thinspo)

This was an accident, not the kind where sirens sound

Never even noticed we’re suddenly crumbling

Tell me how you’ve never felt delicate or innocent,

Do you still have doubts that us having faith makes any sense?

Steve was testing me and even if I realized it, I was too bitter and just told him the truth. He asked me about the weekend and insisted, until I unveiled how “Boyfriend and I” was more like “Boyfriend, his two lady-friends from work, and I” and how I felt I was the one intruding. How they treat him like he’s THEIR boyfriend, chaperoning them here and there, how when I was soo tired at 6AM in the morning and felt like fainting we had to stay at the party (which was over) because one of them was hanging out with a boy and we couldn’t just leave her like that. (Hello? The girl is aged 34 and was driving her own car, and was not drunk. Couldn’t she deal with her own shit, huh?). I’m not even jealous, I know it’s like that when I’m not there, it’s fine, I don’t care, but when I’m in the scene, well, I AM THE GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Steve said I’m crazy if I’m accepting this situation, and I said I don’t know what to do. I said I cannot possibly dump him now: he quit his job and is moving to Italy for me, and I know what it’s like, so I just can’t dump him.

Steve said I should know all issues will eventually emerge. Which deep in my heart I know is likely. He didn't take the news very well though. I hurt him and I didn't want to. He just didn't let go and kept asking until I spilled everything.

I play games you play tricks,

Girls and girls but I’m the one

Like a game of pick up sticks,

Played by fucking lunatics!

So now let’s summarize what’s on my mind:

No 1: I’m fucking scared about BF moving, and I can’t avoid it. I know that if he wasn’t moving, I’d consider breaking up. In the end, I know all I can do is wait for him to settle here and see how things will go.

No 2: Steve may or may not be sentimentally involved with me. He may or may not have been hoping that I’d break up with Boyfriend. I’m fucking scared I’m going to lose him. Two hours ago he had to leave for a new project and will be working out of the office until September (although in the city): I’m already a bit at loss.

No 3: 124.1lbs. Again. I hate myself, I wanna cry and cry and cry. Instead, I have to work. Well, with Steve out of the office, no one will notice I’m fasting.

As for the new girl, here is my decision. Today I’m working in a part of the office where I won’t see her, but when I go back to the open space, I’ll just hide my red bracelet. I’ll even take it off for a couple of days if necessary. In the meanwhile, I’ll watch over her. Let’s see whether she starts crying or not. I really hope for both of us that she doesn’t.

PS: Matilda, lovely, the red bracelet is the worldwide symbol of ana supporters.

Binge & Fast

Dear, lovely skinnies,

I’m sorry for disappearing. The weekend has been crazy, mad and hectic. I had to organize this huge party with all my family friends, 65 people were attending, all in my parents’ garden, and Mother and I cooked and baked through two solid days. The only pause occurred when my 83 years old aunt called me on the phone

“Come and get me”

Now, aunt is no drama queen, so I worried and inquired

“I’ll be right there but where are you?”

“I fell into the creek. Hit my head. Come, please”

I couldn’t make her say anything else. She does have a rocky creek in her garden (almost a small river actually). I stashed the phone, cried out loud for dad and Bro (they’re the doctors after all) and sprinted downstairs, through the garden and to the car. We hopped in and, while driving, I explained I did not know whether she was still in the creek, on her legs or not, or anything that mattered. In the end, she was mostly fine, had indeed hit her head, but was conscious and on her legs, all bruised but mostly scared.

So we took her home with us, medicated her head, nose and hands, I washed her hair and combed it, and mostly tried to make her feel comfortable. She was so thankful!

The only downside is, between this and the stress of the party, I stuffed my face like I was mia (Which I’m NOT). I’m probably over 125lbs.

Oh well. We also sailed the regatta on Sunday (though the Pirate wasn’t there), it was way windier than usual, and very physical, we even got scared at certain moments, and I got completely washed up more than once (and it WAS cold).

Something interesting came up on Saturday morning… I was baking a quiche, when I got an email from Steve:

“Will you fly to Greece with me on Thursday? We’ll be back on Wednesday. Let me know. S.”

What sucks is, I want to go. It’s been pouring rain here, and I’m so tired, I’d love so much to get to that island (that I know very well by the way, I spent 4 months there when I was a kid). But I can’t. Work is going nuts again, and my vacation booked for next week (that I shall spend with Boyfriend) will most likely be cancelled. If I manage to have the weekend off from work, I’ll see boyfriend, and I’d better, since I haven’t seen him in over a month and I swear I don’t even know what to tell him on the phone. Plus, he’s furious that I won’t be able to get away from work next week.

Well, that’s almost all folks. Last but not least, Marcus and I are fasting. We started this morning, and hope to make it until Thursday – Friday. Anyone would like to join us? I love fast buddies!!!

What I've done

Last Friday, while fasting, Steve IMed me
Steve: “You in town tonite?”
Lucy: “Yup, cause I’m working tomorrow. Wanna hang out?”
S: “Am super pissed. Work sucks. Prepare your liver, we’re getting drunk”

Huh ho, I thought, I’m not getting THAT drank because I’m working tomorrow, but hell I DO wanna go out!

We both worked late, and at 10PM we met on the way to out favourite pub, where Steve ordered the first round of beers before I even walked in. the night was hot, kids were partying because the school is over, we got a table outdoor and started drinking and sharing stories about our respective weeks. I shared my concerns about Boyfriend and how I didn’t meet Alejandro, and Steve, being Steve, said I am a train wreck.
“Steve, be honest with me. You are a man, and I remember very well what you told me about your friend stag that you attended three weeks ago. Is my boyfriend getting laid in this very moment?”
“Not necessarily, stop being a train wreck, it depends on him”
“Why aren’t you looking at me in the eyes while you’re telling me this?”

Then we moved the discussion to his week: he told me he got a job interview for the London office (he would like to go there for 2 years), and I said I’m glad for him but sad for me. As I explained before, I do think that I’d be way more miserable in the office if Steve wasn’t a part of it. Steve was indeed stressed and angry, and had only started chilling, so he started saying that everything will change anyway once Boyfriend moves in, and I was a bit hurt, so I said sure, I won’t hang out THAT much anymore, but it would be just the same if HE had a girlfriend, and he agreed I was right. Then he really started chilling, ordered food, didn’t even insist that I eat (because I did not eat, at least), and we kept ordering beers.

Blame the night, blame the heat, blame the beer. I knew I needed a man, and Steve was there for me. We kept hugging, moved to another pub (closer to my place), kissed, danced, he took me on his lap, and then... I passed out.

I wasn’t even drunk, just hypoglycemic. Luckily I knew it was going to happened, and managed to tell him “Hold me tight because I’m falling”. And I passed out. Luckily, I came back pretty quickly, and he blamed it on the booze. But the truth is, he had had shots and was way more drunk than I was. So at 4AM we walked home and I thought he was way too drunk to go home alone, and I wouldn’t manage to walk to his place and back, so I told him to shut his big mouth and to sleep at my place.

Of course, we both ended more or less naked during several phases of the night, but no real sex happened. Sure, Steve tried hitting on me at various moments, but we spent most of the night hugging tightly. Lord, how I needed a little tenderness! I mean, he even gave me an awesome back massage early in the morning! And then I showered and went to work (which was hard, because booze without food and not even 3 solid hours of sleep….) and left him sleeping at my place.

I cannot say I regret it. I felt good, I felt protected, I felt desired. I know it was wrong, towards Boyfriend, towards Steve and towards me.
I think we can go on with our friendship like it never happened. I just hope I’m not wrong. I mean, later on Saturday he stopped by at the office to give me my keys, and we talked later on the phone because I had some issues at work, and we were normal.
I AM NOT SORRY.
Call me a bitch if you want.

PS I ended up fasting 30 hours, than I went home to see the parents and had to eat. But I’m fasting again this week, I'm probably starting tonight!


UPDATE: I started fasting, and the lovely Marcus is in as well! Join us, skinnies!!

Excuse my bitterness, who's fasting with me?

(Post written on Thursday evening)

So, what are the plans for the weekend? Oh, yes, I’m missing the small birthday party Bro was throwing for me (not Keith of course, my other Bro). Just a nice BBQ with friends, possibly the Pirate. I guess most peopledon’t attend their own birthday party because they spend the weekend working, huh?
The Boyfriend is attending his best friend stag this weekend. In Budapest.
Do I need to be more explicit or are we clear that I’m going to work all weekend while he’s getting laid in Budapest?
I always suffered competition with chicks for Eastern Europe. It’s easy: guys who like me are into girls with blond hair, fair skin, blue eyes (yes, tall, because hey, I come from Italy, so taller than 5’6 is tall here).
So he’s getting laid in Budapest.
I’m home alone.

So I fasted all day, and then I shot an email to my skinny Alejandro, hot like Mexico friend with benefits. I thought what the hell, if Boyfriend is getting laid by some slut at a stupid stag, I can get laid by my dear slim Alejandro, can’t I? Boyfriend would never know anyway.
Of course I didn’t exactly wrote “Hey, booty call, bring your ass to my place pronto!”.
It was more on the lines of “Hey, wanna grab a beer Friday/Saturday night?”
So I cannot blame anyone but myself if Alejandro answered that he’s sorry, but he’s going to the sea for the weekend. I should have told him I was waiting for him naked and hot. How the hell should he understand that he’s getting lucky, when we haven’t had real sex in 4 years? And of course I cannot possibly tell him about the stag, because well, it’s none of his business.

Oh, needless to say, I binged after getting his answer.
And of course, I’m such a lousy bitch I cannot wait for Alejandro to come on Monday night. Because by then, Boyfriend won’t be in Budapest anymore, and I would feel too guilty. Fuck me, why am I so dumb?

Friday morning update:125lbs. Fuck me.

Friday 4PM (Western Europe time): I'm starting a fast. For as long as I can. Anyone joining me?

The Binge Festival

I tried to join the weekend Binge Festival as little as possible, but of course I did not escape entirely.
So I woke up this morning at 128.9 lbs.
Awful, I know.
Plus, Boyfriend’s still in town, so he’ll want to eat tonight as well. I’m sorry to say, it’s good he’s leaving tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong: my only problem about having him at my place, is food, of course.

Whatever. I’m finally getting over my bronchitis, and my hip aches less, so tomorrow morning or Wednesday at latest, I’m going back to the gym.
I usually hit the gym early in the morning, around 7AM, and I run on the threadmill (3 to 6 miles, at 10.5km per hour, no clue how fast it is in miles), then I hop on the elliptical machine, do some abs, and then it’s time to take a shower and go to work.

This is my thinspiration of the day!!

Stay thin
Xoxo