Thinking about the Horrors

 The Horrors is how I've come to define the 2021-2025 period, when I was always feeling unwell and all doctors told me I just had to lose weight and be less stressed (and then it turned out I have a womb tumor that was affecting all my body). If I have to recap 2026 so far, I got diagnosed, started treating the issue, starting feeling like a champ (ok like before 2020) and got in the best shape of my life. I also lost 22kg or 48lbs since my highest weight.

The reason I'm writing this is that a difficult part of the process was getting over the fact that I feel I wasted 4 years of my life and that it could have been avoided with just a simple, harmless scan had any gynecologist actually listened to me. 

I do not intend to dwell any further on this, my goal is to enjoy my life as much as I can, but today I'm sick (I have a step throat) and here's the thing: except for the throat ache, today I feel exactly how I felt almost daily over those 4 years:

- back pain

- hurting knee

- every step feels miserable on my joints

- standing up from a chair feels taxing

- overall miserable and prone to tears

(at least I'm not bleeding by hey). The main difference is I know by tomorrow I'll feel better and by the end of this week I'll be back in my champion shape.

And guys I can positively tell you I am amazed at how I still got my shit together over those long painful years. I now forgive myself for the weight gain and for everything. Actually, I deserve a treat for how good I was (ok it will be a black decaf but still :-) )

Sometimes self forgiveness is also important.

Song for this post: "F**kin' Perfect" by P!nk

Back to it

 Husband was slightly dizzy for a couple days during our stay in Greece, I got him some antibiotics and he immediately improved - two days later I spent 6 hours puking VIOLENTLY - like 12 times in 6 hours and I got a throat ache from the acid. The antibiotics quickly kicked in, which was lucky because the next day we had a rough 3 hours by boat to get to Mykonos from where we were flying back (I cannot imagine how I would have managed to do the whole journey while sick).

Despite this and the work, the week in Greece was amazing. We've been to this remote island so many times that by now we know the locals, and Greek hospitality is still more sacred than it's depicted in the Odissey, trust me. The weather was amazing, the food is always good, the place is beautiful, what else could I ask? The cherry on the top: we even had sex three times and one of them it was not me starting things!

It was a week lived from dawn to night, everyday watching the sun rise during a morning walk/slow run, and every evening enjoying the sunset. One day, not too far, I will be able to live a life where I can enjoy every sunrise and every sunset, it's a promise I've made to myself.

One mor pic from Greece (I don't know why I always look short in pictures when I'm tall in reality!):

I'm also happy that overall during the stay at the lake, the couple days in Zermatt and the week in Greece I did not gain a single pound- I did not lose either but that's okay, it was not the goal.

Now I'm back and I need to do another next step - although it's not gonna be easy as September plan includes:

- 3 and 4: corporate party event at the best beach club in Tuscany (it's the only event I am in charge of and trust me it's huge). Fort the first time in years, I will not cover up like a nun - I think I'll wear a bikini with my short jeans

- 9 and 10: corporate partners meeting in Rome

- 19: Anyma concert with one of my nephews (at least this will be an event with no food)

- 20 (Sunday): family gathering at our place to celebrate some birthdays (husband and a brother in law, it's going to be 20 ppl)

- 21 to 23: corporate Europe leadership meeting in Munich, will include two dinners one of which at Oktoberfest

- 23 to 24: other corporate event in Munich

- 26 (Saturday): big family lunch at the lake

- 28 and 29: meeting in Frankfurt with dinner

I guess I'll throw in as many gym sessions as possible! I think this will not leave me any time form the customary September melancholy, which is actually good as I tend to get that a lot.

Did I forget Mischief? I did not. He texted from Hawaii where he was with the family, than from DC (funeral), and now he's in Japan.

Overwhelmed

 well the title says it all I guess.

We left Italy on a Friday morning, and as typical, I got my period (since the period know when you have a 11+ hours flight), and it was a bad one, with an horrible backache and all joints (and the damn knee) aching for days.

Miami beach was full of springbreakers, something I would have loved 20 years ago, but I would much rather have enjoyed quiet. Actually the crowds were so bad and unruly the police enforced a curfew, resulting in police sirens and megaphones all night long.

The beach and the parks were really beautiful and the weather amazing. It would have been perfect, had I not been in almost too much pain to walk. Meanwhile, phone conversations with the family were full of cute comments such as "Are you really going to the beach? you are too fat to wear a bikini" and other lovely comments of the kind.

Orlando was nice, although, predictably, I got sick - I take it as a miracle that I did not get covid (2k people in closed spaces with no masks - insane), but the constant swing between hot wet weather outside and AC indoors is a killer for me. The even was beautiful, we had a private night opening of Universal Studios and a lovely evening at a golf place, with a DJ set, fireworks, amazing food and booze etc.

Meanwhile every single pic sent to the family whatsapp chat (such as the one above, in the new dress) resulted in more sneaky comments.

We got back. got tested (negative), and the first thing my father told me on the phone was I need to go on a diet. Cool huh?

On Monday I went to Tuscany for a Partners meeting. The place was lovely (see pics). I did make a mistake in sending a text to the family chat along the lines of "having a vertical tasting of Brunello di Montalcino right now, so not coming home LOL". The reply frtom my father was "You're not coming home because you won't fit through the door".

Frankly, I'm done. I've had enough. For the first 20 years of my life everyone had to stress out that I was not eating enough and that I was such a nuisance for not eating. Then 20 years of telling me I'm too fat. 

I'm fed up - hello, I do see mirrors, and I do own a scale. Just fuck off. No more phone calls from me.

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

Fuck off moon

After everyone else in the world, I finally got this fucking respiratory infection that's been running around the whole month. Husband caught it on his way back from Colorado (which of course was on the day Delta airlines fucked up, and needless to say he was flying Delta). Then we spent a couple days in the Swiss Alps, and 3 days in central Italy by the seaside (before the earthquake luckily) with fat friends.
On a side note, modesty on Italian beaches is unknown. I'm not criticizing (I would totally stay naked if that was acceptable, but even topless is totally unacceptable) but most girls (even fat ones) wear brazilians or string bikinis which are totally unflattering for most.
I did not gain, but I did not lose either.
On the sunny side, I'm back to being the white knight of the company at work (actually, I've even been enrolled for the stock option plan, which involves like 12 people out of 1800 - cute huh?).

Back o how I'm feeling - I've been at a different gym where mirrors are angled in such a way one gets a full view of one's back. I almost burst in tears. I knew my tights are huge, but... well..

And so last night I dreamed for the millionth time the same old memory, the time when B (who fucked my life over 11 years ago) told me "you no longer have the hot body you had when we got together". (by the way when he told me that I was a good 710 pounds lighter than I am now)

Fuck off moon, since that mess
Since that unlucky night
How long has it been moon? It feels like being left outside

I wonder what happened to the skinny girl I was
and to that bastard I still want

How long has it been moon, since I lost it
I even buried my heart
What happened to me?
I bade myself farewell

How bad it feels being so lonely
In these nights of damned dreams

What happened to her,
What did we make of ourselves?
What happened to the Lord: did he also bid farewell to us

One of these days

Today is one of these days in which I think Mum may be right and I'm probably going to die still being a spinster.

Today I am so fat I don't even care that I have three spots on the left side of my face, because nobody will notice them since the attention will be on my monstrous legs anyway.

Today everything good is so far away, Steve, the weekend, my cat...

Today I'm so sick with allergies I'll probably spend more time sneezing and coughing than working.

Today I hate my fucking fat self.

But I love you all.

Special needs

“Hey Lucy, I’m in Scotland! Look girl, I’m Flying back on Thursday: can I bring you anything? Maybe Hoola Hoops? Are you still a fun of that crap?”

My friend Kat, Lord bless her, called me this morning. As if I needed more junk food to stick to my hips.

Although my trousers are loose, although I KNOW I have dropped some fat in Nepal, I’m 124.4 lbs. Bleah. Now, while trekking I've been sick, I caught some virus that thought my stomach was the best place in the world, and after a while I would puke even water. I managed to complete the trek, but I didn’t eat nor drink for DAYS (I also ended up being badly dehydrated, but there was no way to avoid it).

I know that if I'm so heavy, it's partly because I've built up some muscles. But 124.4 lbs, a BMI of 19.75, that's simply inacceptable.

Now that I'm back and I'm living alone, I have to take full control of things. By Christmas, I need to be well below 120lbs. Especially since I'll be spending holidays with Steve, so I need to get skinnier BEFORE Xmas.

This morning I went back to the gym (finally), because I know muscles are heavy and everything, but I want to stay toned and I'll need the training for the skiing season.

My ultimate goal weight would be 105 lbs. Which would mean a BMI of 16.8. I don't think I could ever get there, but I need to try in order to find out, right? In the meanwhile, small steps. First goal will be 120 lbs, but I need to get there ASAP.

I'm catching up with your blogs lovelies. Be strong, always.