Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

Can I?

extreme ways that helped me, they helped me out late at night...

bank holiday, and of course I'm working. I'm working 14h+ a day, and I lost a few hours yeasterday as I drove Husband to ER (he woke up in the middle of the night with a huge swollen eye that hurt - luckily no big issue, but it was a big scare.

After this dad told me to get some contramal (basically, morphine in drops) just in case he needed it.

After indulging all afternoon in how convenient it  would be keeping some at home (and dear dad promptly supplied me with a prescription), you know, for emergencies... or for when I'm so stressed I cannot fall asleep... or for when I have a neckache... or for when I'm stressed out.... 
      I decided it's better not to buy any (Hubby was much better anyways), got a bottle of wine for dinner and treated myself into leaving work at 8PM and having dinner at home with husband and wine.

What's scaring me is how often I find myself thinking that drugs would help me get through all this. Mind me, I'm really not doing any drugs - I've even cut on the ibuprofen, but that must be a sign on how our current life is not sustainable. We are working EVERY fucking weekend, in addition to long weeks, and needless today, we are working today and tomorrow (bank holidays here).
I know it's 12 to 18 more months like this, but I'm starting to wonder if I CAN make through it.

Instructions on how to survive New Years Eve for a wannabe skinny

Disclaimer:
as you may have noticed, this is a strictly over 18 blog. I do not encourage doing what I write bout in any way.

FIRST
Wear something comfortable. The other girls, all wrapped in too tight dresses, will look fatter, you'll feel better.

SECOND
When you get to your friends house, check out the food and compliment the cooks. Before dinner I mean!

THIRD
When someone starts pouring aperitivo, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Blow a small line, oh, and before you buy some random coke, be sure the yours is cut with both novocaine AND laxies.

FOURTH
Drink some aperitivo. By this time, your from teeth will start feeling awkward. The bubbles from the champagne will increase this feeling. Try to staff some salted food in your mouth. It will taste like cardboard. Don't forget to keep complimenting the cook (with words, not facts).
By the first course, all your hunger will be forgotten.

Keep repeating when needed.

On the next days, avoid public activities as much as possible. You will poop often and conspicuously.
Don't forget to have fun and drink a lot of water!

Remember lovelies - bikini season's coming soon.

Drugs

In first place, I would ask you not to judge.

In second place, please skip this post entirely if you feel that you can’t stand talking about drugs, if you hate drugs, and even more if you’re insanely attracted to drugs.

I mean it, okay?

When I was 18, for almost one year I did a lot of drugs.

Even though I have no regrets, when I say a lot, I mean, well, a lot. Like, over 3 grams of coke every week, plus lots of weed and occasional other recreational things (like, twice a month something else on top).

After 9 months or so, I realized that the boy I was dating and I were on different paces: recreational for me, addiction for him. Eventually, after cutting drugs off my life, I cut him off as well, because we made different choices.

Nowadays I’m basically clean, by which I mean that I may smoke (very little) weed a couple times a year, and same thing for the white stuff (of course not at the same times). Considering I don’t smoke cigarettes at all, I’m fine with this lifestyle, and please, I don’t need judgments.

However, let’s face the truth: cocaine makes things damn easy. Not only I feel no urge to eat, on the last two times I did it, on the next day I went running and girls, it was AMAZING. It makes me feel like I could run forever, and I manage to keep a faster pace than usual (two months ago I managed to keep a 11.5km per hour pace for 6.5km, which is a little over 4 miles I think).

Two people in my family are cardiologists, so yes, I know everything about the side effects. I repeat, I’m not a regular. I will never be. I have no urge towards drugs.

But girls, I could almost entirely stop eating through it.