As summer goes by

 Mischief replied on Monday as soon as he got off the place - as I had suspected, he had eventually stayed in New York with his wife for the 4th of July weekend, then his flight back home got delayed by 11 hours. We messaged a bit over the week, but to be honest I must get him on the phone at some point. I think I'm losing him, which I can accept, but I will at least try. I want to tell him I want to see him but also that he needs to understand I will not screw his life, family etc. I want him to know I was in NY as he was last week and I did not call him bcs I knew he was with his wife; in short, he can trust me if he wants to.

I can't help thinking I probably should never have asked him the infamous "Did you fly here to fuck me?" question... 

While I have not lost more weight, I did go and get the piercing. I actually told my husband I was going to and asked him if he wanted to come with me, which he did. I think it was nice. Unfortunately I did not get the kind of piercing I wanted (with the gem in the belly button and a small ball above), but I got a small gem above the belly button and basically nothing visible in the button - apparently my button shape is not ok with the gem in the middle or something. I expected it to be painful but it was really not. It also has not bothered me with the trainings, which is good.

Things seem to be a bit better with S and trust me, I'm trying real hard. For the sake of clarity, I'm not at all bothered with him going to the gym every day, quite the opposite actually as it helps me get going as well. I'm more concerned with the fact it seems to be the only thing he's into these days. My plan in life is to take an early retirement in 6-8 years from now - my dream would be moving to a Greek island but I do not know if that will happen, we'll see.

I had a lot of work events over this week, and on Wednesday we attended a party together (organized by an M&A boutique I sometimes work with, they invite us every summer). It was fun and cute, and like every year we ended up going home by bike, quite drunk, riding through the night in Milan, laughing and calling out at each other.

On a very different note, my friend Kat will be visiting tomorrow. Kat was my best friend in high school, then she broke my heart and we did not talk for years. When i moved back to Italy in 2009 we made up and stayed friends, but she moved to Poland in 2011 and we have only met twice since - last time was 9 or 10 years ago. It feels a little strange, and I'm excited to see her. She has a teenage daughter... which I still struggle to believe. It seems like yesterday when we would go to the river in summertime and dive from the waterfalls.

Song for this post: "The river" by Bruce Springsteen

I do it for me, and I lie for you

When we come home, after the dinner out with friends, I wait until you go out on the balcony to smoke. As soon as you close the door behind you, I puke as fast as I can, flush, flush a second time, and hurry to brush my teeth.
Do you really never notice?
Mind you, I'm happy that you don't. If you did, this would lead to endless fighting.
But I do wonder, how can you not notice that my eyes are so suddenly bloodshot? You don't notice my foul breath because you don't relly smell anything, even the doctor said your sense of smell is 80% fucked. But you don't notice my red eyes, nor my puffy eyes and eybags in the morning, becuase every time you are drunk I think.

Forgive me for this lie, my love. I do it for myslef, but I lie for the sake of our love. You will never understand this, and I love you too much.

And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder... what do you do that I do not notice?

La Dolce Vita

I spent the weekend at the parents’ place, by the lake, as usual.

I wish I could say I stayed away from the boys, but of course it’s not true: I exchanged phone calls and emails with Boyfriend, Steve and Alejandro. UGH.

I didn’t do much on Saturday, because the weather wasn’t great. I just cooked lunch for Bro’s family, over ate, hung out with my mother, and then cooked dinner for mom, granny and her sister, over-ate.

Right after cleaning up the kitchen, Bro called me saying he was going to run a match race (like a regatta but with two boats only) at night, and offering me to join. Of course I said yes! The night was warm but very windy, so I grabbed my wetsuit and threw it in my bag with all my staff and ran out.

Bro was waiting for me with the tender and before he started rowing he cracked a bottle of beer open and gave it to me.

“A storm is coming, sis. Do you have the guts for this?” he teased me

“Man up Bro, because if you’re in, I’m in!”

Needless to say, while I was climbing into the boat, Bro’s buddies grab my bag and threw me into the water, so I was totally soaked before even starting!! Oh, and I managed to dive without losing my bottle, so Bro was all “look at my Sis, she’s the best, you throw her into the water but no matter what she won’t lose her booze!”.

I quickly changed into my wetsuit, and off we went. We sailed through the night, and the storm kept getting closer only to get away for a while and then come back. It was AMAZING; the lighting would crack allowing us to see the whole lake and the other boat, we would laugh, sail and drink…. It felt like silver screen.

I got home at 4, completely soaked (it poured rain around 2.15 and 2.30 in the morning), Bro’s kids were asleep as well as the Parents, so I didn’t even take a shower and went straight to bed, thinking “I want to live like this forever, I want this summer to last forever.”

Of course Mom woke me up at 6AM to go hiking.. UGH. Whatever. We did go hiking, and that’s good since I had eaten so much! We were back by 11.30, and I thought I would nap through three solid hours and then ride my Vespa to my grandfather. Instead, I had to babysit Bro’s kids until 7PM and then cook dinner for mom and dad. Needless to say, I binged, also because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Well, at least I spent the whole afternoon swimming, rawing on my kayak, and diving, all for the kids, so I did exercise.

So today I had a 400kcals lunch at the canteen, all while watching the ana girl from work who only had three spoonful of zucchini, all the while staring at my lunch with disgust. UGH.

As for the boys department… I’m not doing good. I can’t help having feelings for Steve. Let’s be honest: I don’t want to cut him off and I will not do it. I only have a few weeks left with him, and I’d rather live for the moment right now.

I’ll go to see Eclipse tonight, and then I’ll weight myself tomorrow morning. I hope I didn’t do too much damage!!

Wild nights, danger ahead (long post)

The last days have been confusing. Great moments, with lots of fun, and then some melancholy.

And then the BAD.

Let’s start with the good.

I went out Wednesday night with the crew from work. Steve and I walked to the pub together, ordered two beers and just chilled waiting for the others. The weather is getting hotter and hotter: we’re having over 97F in the evening!! (37Celsius)

So we clicked our glasses and soon after I got up because I wanted to wash my hands, and of course colors started fading and I faltered. Steve grabbed me until I was stable again, and stared at me.

“If you are going to drink that beer, you’d better eat at least something, or you’ll end up drunk, embarrassing yourself in front of all the colleagues”

“… I guess you’re right”

So I ate (300Kcals) and I ended up drinking one beer and a half.

In the meanwhile, Alvaro, Mick, Robin and two others joined us, and Steve managed to drink 12 beers plus half of my second. Of course he ended up drunk, got loud and everything, but it was so funny! At 11-ish, Alvaro bended towards my ear and said “Steve’s drunk. And he’s been staring at your breasts over the last 15 minutes or so. If you prefer, I’ll drive you home when we go”

After the pub, we went to Steve and Robin’s place for a smoke. Well, before we got there, Steve (who by the time was veeeeeeery drunk) pushed me in a corner (firmly but gently) and started getting way too close to my lips. I didn’t want this to happen!! Not in front of the others!! But luckily Alvaro stepped in and pulled me away!! Later on he drove me home as promised: he’s such a gentleman!

Anyway, on the next day Steve emailed me early in the morning: Is there anything I should know about last night that I might not remember? S.

LMAO

When he got to work, he was in a bad shape, head aching and everything, but we spent most of the day together, at the desk or at the coffee machine and I told him stories about the night before and we had a blast! I really hope we’ll do something like that next week!

Let’s go on with the BAD.

We have a new intern. Of course, before she arrived, we checked her out on facebook. I immediately noticed her collar bones. The girl must have a BMI of 16 or so. Bad. Anyway, she got here yesterday. The first thing I noticed: she’s so skinny and beautiful. The second: she has a permanent tattoo, stating THE mantra: “Quod me nutrit me destruit”. The third: while I was staring at her tattoo, she was staring at my red bracelet. Fuck.

This can only lead to trouble. The last girl we hired is a skinny puppy who cries all the time and now thinks I’m her new girl-friend at work (which is bad enough). This new one? She won’t last. She isn’t strong enough to survive in this office, but the boys will bring her out with us and everything. As soon as work gets tough, she’ll start crying and spilling her secrets. And she may spill mine as well. I know, I should support her, but the truth is her presence scares me. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

In the meanwhile, I’m leaving for France for the weekend: Boyfriend and I are attending a wedding by a swimming pool. Food will consist of meat, so I shall be able to avoid bingeing (I’m veggos), and hopefully I’ll get a tan.

I was 121.3lbs this morning, and I hope to be the same on Monday!! BMI: 19.26. I want to see an 18.

I love you skinnies, your comments are the strongest motivation ever

PS I’ll start next week’s fast on Sunday afternoon. I think Ancora and Marcus will fast as well, will you guys? Anyone else joining?

Random thoughts

126.1 lbs this morning.

Small steps in the right direction.

Gym tonight, gym tomorrow morning, and on Saturday I have planned a 40km bike trip with dad.

For the next regatta (June 20), I want my body to look like this.

I keep going out every night. It's a bit too much.


Ok, let's be honest. Tomorrow I'm attending a fashion event. In Milan. This means most girl will have a BMI of 18 or less. Ugh. I'm going to write a QMNMD temporary tattoo on the inner part of my wrist (Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit). As a reminder.

Last night I went out with my high school best friend. She thinks I'm obsessed with dieting. She keeps telling everyone she's so lucky she hasn't gained a lb in the last year. I saw her waiting for me at the corner, and it looked like she had a giant doughnut wrapped around her waist.

She's as tall as I am, but she must be at least 10 lbs heavier than I am, and has no muscle at all. And she wonders why she hasn't gotten laid over the last year...

At least she's happy with her body, which is more thant I can say about myself!

PS Check Chitosan on wikipedia. I tried it slowly at first because it may give problems to those allergic to shell food (which I am) but my body seems to cooperate for once.

Apparently it doesn't allow your body to digest carbs and fats. Downside: expect massive poops 15 minutes after eating. NOT recommandable for glamour soirées.