and what if I did it again?

I do not expect anyone to be reading this from back in 2010. But back then I did drop a lot of weight, managed to reach a healthy BMI for once, with 115 pounds and BMI of 18.2.
I had abs showing
I started dating husband.

On this Sunday morning, while working (of course), writing slides on powerpoint and managing some admin stuff, I suddenly thought: and what if I really did it again? Instead of just blogging, obsessing and complaining. What I mean is, what would change if I did it again?

Beside the obvious joy I mean.
Work-wise, for example, it would not make things easier, quite the contrary. Sad but true, being the "once she was a real hottie" is much easier.


I can't control this flesh and blood
That's wrapped around my bones
It moves beneath me like a river
Into the great unknown

Nel deserto la nave abbandonai
Per me aveva senso
Son stato troppo tempo nella bestia
Ed ora saro libero

Someday we'll live like horses
Free rein from your old iron fences
There's more ways than one to regain your senses
Break out the stalls and we'll live like horses someday

Elton John and Luciano Pavarotti, Live like horses

I abandoned my ship in the desert

It made sense

Too much time being a beast

And now I will be free

just want to go out

The older you get, the more you value walking. At almost 38, I already considered that the best part of my weekdays was when I managed to walk home from work instead of taking the tube. I live 3.5km from work (a bit over 2 miles) and whenever it wasn't too late and it wasn't pouring rain, I used to walk home, sometimes making calls to clients or my mother, sometimes just listening to audible and watching shops windows.

I seems like I'm talking about a long time ago, but we've been working from home since February 22, and in a total lockdown since March 7. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk in the woods (my parents' place is really next to wild woods by the lake) and in order to do that I had to wait over one hour: as soon as I saw a police car patrolling, I waited for it to be gone and crossed the road to get to the footpath in the woods.

That because if they stop me outside home, I can get arrested.

I so miss walking.

My father in law died on Wednesday morning. He had 4 sons and a daughter, all loving him and living close to him, and he had to die alone because we are not allowed to leave home (let alone visit sick relatives in the hospital). He was buried this morning with no funeral (not allowed) and no family (again, not allowed). On of my brother in laws is a priest, so he's celebrating a private mass via skype for the family tonight.

This gives you an idea of the situation I guess.

How could I fuck up so badly?

I, once again, am not going to make it to equity partner this year. Nor ever.

My boss very kindly (sarcasm dripping) explained that next year it'll be me for sure, but this year they're already making a female equity partner in Spain (we are grouped with Spain and Portugal), so they're keeping me to fill the female quota next year. Also, they're making equity partner a kid whose father is in Government, so that is very important.

Finally, I shall not despair because if the firm at global level forces us to make a female partner it will be me.

I kid you not, this is what he told me.

Incidentally, he told me something on the same lines last year. I am NOT waiting for another year working like this. What's left of my humanity would be destroyed. And between you and I, I don't think I'll grow a penis in one year and thus be allowed to join the fucking boys club.

And I'm so silly, I, at least, expected my husband to understand the kind of grief I'm going through.

Instead, being a man, he simply said it doesn't matter, that I can do something else, become a mom and so on.

He made it, but somehow he can't understand how much more I have had to endure (and how longer - I've been doing this for 15 years).

He doesn't understand how it feels to remember all the pride I've had to swallow. All the times I've been judged - too aggressive, not enough aggressive. Too sexy, not sexy enough. Gained weight - means she can't manage the pressure. The time a partner told a client and of my team in front of me that I was perfect when I was sitting, since my head was at the same height as his dick.

So long, so much, for what? Nothing.

The urge to stop eating and indulge in self harming had not been this strong since I was 23. But then again, I was already doing this job back then.

dirty

Extreme ways are back again, extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again, everything that I'd owned
I through it out of the windows and came along
Extreme ways I know move apart the colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that help me, they help me out late at night
Extreme place I had gone, but never seen any light,
dirty basements, dirty noise, dirty places coming through, extreme worlds alone, did you ever like it then?

I would stand in line for this,
there's always room in life for this!


Should I buy the superb loft I just visited?

Should I quit my job and run for parliament (I actually could make it, and this opportunity will not present itself again). I hate politics, but dear Lord, I'd love to have a grated lifetime salary for the rest of my life, and all for sacrificing one or two years.

Can I just go to sleep and wake in three months (skinny)? pretty please?

I think I'm dumb

PS - yes, the Nikita show was the one starring Peta Wilson. I don't know if I would recommend it - I loved it, but the desperate sadness and hopelessness it transmitted were quite strong triggers.

Old habits die hard

I seem to be back to years ago in terms of hectic life.
I left on Sunday morning for Amsterdam and came back last night. On Saturday I'm off to Dubai for a week, then it'll be Montecarlo for another week. work work work work work.

Don't get started with how much fun this is - it is not. I'm too old for this shit.

Meanwhile my husband is also back to his old habits, and on Monday night he claimed he was at home, then disappeared from the world, went out, got shit faced, lost his mobile and faile to show up at a client meeting on Tuesday morning. His team started calling me but I was in Amsterdam and had less news about his whereabouts then his team.

So not looking forward to a good old fight tonight...

What if?

Be careful of what you wish for, my brain whispers me. I know the brain is right.
I seems that, maybe, if everything goes well, blah blah blah, I may be promoted to non equity partner in two months. It's the step before making it.



Allow me a flash-back.
I started working in this specific Big4 when I was 22. I was the youngest, the silliest, the hottest, the skinny bitch who knew nothing but was willing to work VERY hard. I was assigned to a senior manager that we'll call from now on Humbert (Lolita?). He was very demanding, and in the beginning I went home crying a lot at night. Over the following months, B. broke my heart, and although everything seemed a nightmare, Humbert came to appreciate me and supported me at work.
When, not even having spent one year in the firm, I moved to the French office, everyone was angry with me at work, but before I left Humbert called me into his office and encouraged me to keep in touch and to make the most of the experience, and promised I could come back at any time.
Surely neither of us thought that I would come back working for the firm some 12 years later! But that's what happened about one year ago. The firm welcomed me back, and is willing to bet on me. I'm good, granted, but I'm also aware that they need to make female partners, and not many are well positioned as me and my two friends at work to make it :-)


So what am I afraid of?
i) my targets will spike - I know that this year (ending June 30) I'll end up exceeding by far my targets, but I'm cautious about how I can deliver more. Truth is, Humbert (who is now senior partner) is helping me a lot with my sales target. He will keep doing it - if he can. Should the internal political situation change however, his support may no longer be meaningful

ii) will husband be proud enough for me and not feel belittled? This may sound stupid, but hey, this is Italy. My man made it to equity partner - in a Tier 2 firm. Will it be okay for him to have a wife who makes it in a Tier 1 firm?

iii) as much as I want to make it, I know that the partner's daily job is something I like less than my current daily job. I wasn't born to be a salesman, I'm more into the operating part of the job.

iv) Matt, a friend who's one year ahead of me in the process (he'll get promoted to equity partner in June) is now 140kg. That's 308lbs for you Americans. He only uses food to sooth himself, while, let's face it, I am more creative. I (ab)use a mix of a bunch of stuff, most notably wine, pain killers, food, running (less and less these days), and to a much lower extent, drugs. But you guys already know my point: is this sustainable?

Long story short - I'm already planning to rent out Just Cavalli private club to throw the promotion party. I just need to lose weight. And I'm seriously considering a Liposuction.

I'm invincible, yeah I win every single game
I'm so confident, yeah I'm unstoppable today

work hard, get fucked harder

This was an accident, not the kind where sirens sounds: even though I'd noticed I'm suddenly crumbling.
Tell me how you've never felt delicate or innocent?

Do you still have doubts that us having faith make any sense?

Staring at my photograph, everything now in the past, I never felt so lonely, I wish that you could show me love

I am fucking with my own life and not even in a glamorous way.

And the worst part is I fear they may be fucking with me as well - and I may not achieve what I'm working so hard for, and fail, fail, fail.

Get fat e get fucked - that sounds like real good Lucy.

Vacation, hiking, binges and so on

Cape Verte it was.
Sal Island. Honestly? a shitty place, but hey, I did spend lazy lazy hours just suntanning and reading. i needed it. We needed it.
Before that, we went hiking through Simplonpass (in the middle of the Alps, not far from where my family lives).

Hiking was so good that, before leaving for Cape Verte, I bought myself these

(of course the pic is from the net it is not me)

As soon as we got there I realized three things:
i) Sal Island is a shithole
ii) the food was disgusting (wait before thinking that was good news)
iii) virtually everyone staying in the hotel had severe diarrhea

WARNING: things start getting guresome from now on

Now, as much as I sometimes indulge purging (although in these occasions I vomit), due to years and years of big stomach issues when I was a teenager and later, I am fucking scared of eating something that will make me sick.
So.....
I spent one week eating (with no restrictions whatsoever) only two things: fries and boiled white rice.

And now I'm back, 6 pounds heavier. fuckfuckfuck.
Let's forget about those short shorts, okay?
It's time to restrict and get back to some serious training

The doctor said..

I can train. At least, that's what he thinks. I'm allowed to do:
-10min on the elliptical, OR
-10min swimming (crawl or back)
AND
limited squats
AND unlimited pull ups (a if I could do unlimited pull uos...)
AND certain kind of abs crunches

facepalm

basically, this is NOTHING compared to my July training schedule.

ABSOLUTE BAN of: running, stairs, rowing machine, lounges and most of plank exercise.

I shit you not loveys.

In addition, I'm undergoing a therapy that is extremely painful and leaves blues all over my hips and legs - someone at the gym even asked me if I'd been in a car accident yesterday.
Anyway, I'll try to work on the arms and shoulders...sigh...

Your heart can't tell me no

"Why are you pouting?"
"I’m not. Okay, maybe I am, just a little bit"
"Oh, you totally are. You barely talk to me. So, you can develop or I’ll just go home Steve, because I’m tired"
"What did you do last night?"
"I told you, I was hanging out with a friend"
"Did you go to bed with him?"

I looked at him in the eyes. “No, I didn’t. Is this why you are pouting? This is getting ridiculous”
“I guess I’m just jealous”
“But I said I didn’t” – “That’s not all I’m talking about” he cut me off.
I stared at him, and he avoided my gaze.
“What is it that you want, Steve?”
“Rationally or irrationally?”
“Irrationally. What is it that you really want?”
“I would want you to dump your man”

Wow. I never thought he would get that straight to the point.

“And then?”
“I don’t know. But I understand your position, I do”
“So where does this lead us? Do you want me to leave you alone?”
In my mind, I silently screamed for him to hug me and not let me go.
He put an arm on my shoulders “No, I’m old enough to accept the way between the extremes. I guess we’ll just go on the same way”

Half an hour later, he walked me home, hugged me and started kissing me.

“Don’t leave me, Steve. Please, don’t walk away on me because I can’t take it”
He hugged me tighter “Okay. But I’m going home now”
Instead, he started kissing me with more urgency.
“Do you want to sleep here?” He knew I was not offering sex, but just some tenderness and cuddling.
“No, I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself” his hands gripped my ass “I’d better go now”
“Okay. Good night, and be safe. For what it’s worth, you know how much I care about you”

I woke up this morning at 120.15lbs.
Over stressed for this whole situation. I feel so bad for putting Steve through this, but I can't let him go. It's bad enough he'll move abroad in November.
Of course I had to binge like crazy at noon. Fuck my stupidity.