Can I?

extreme ways that helped me, they helped me out late at night...

bank holiday, and of course I'm working. I'm working 14h+ a day, and I lost a few hours yeasterday as I drove Husband to ER (he woke up in the middle of the night with a huge swollen eye that hurt - luckily no big issue, but it was a big scare.

After this dad told me to get some contramal (basically, morphine in drops) just in case he needed it.

After indulging all afternoon in how convenient it  would be keeping some at home (and dear dad promptly supplied me with a prescription), you know, for emergencies... or for when I'm so stressed I cannot fall asleep... or for when I have a neckache... or for when I'm stressed out.... 
      I decided it's better not to buy any (Hubby was much better anyways), got a bottle of wine for dinner and treated myself into leaving work at 8PM and having dinner at home with husband and wine.

What's scaring me is how often I find myself thinking that drugs would help me get through all this. Mind me, I'm really not doing any drugs - I've even cut on the ibuprofen, but that must be a sign on how our current life is not sustainable. We are working EVERY fucking weekend, in addition to long weeks, and needless today, we are working today and tomorrow (bank holidays here).
I know it's 12 to 18 more months like this, but I'm starting to wonder if I CAN make through it.

overwhelmed

I just..

I don't know

I can't keep up with this anymore



Been working over the last three weekends in addition to full week.

70 hours this week and it's only Saturday (Italian week goes from Monday to Sunday)



I never have time to eat - I end up fasting without even wanting it. This is very triggering. I'm not even hungry anymore. I just have a constant headache. Been having it for 10days now.



I drink fresh grapefruit juice at aperitivo and avoid eating.



I blurted out to a close friend (who is skinny and not pro-ana, Lord bless her): "I don't want to eat anymore. I just want to stop eating entirely."



Over the past week I usually had milk and cereals at breakfast, and sometimes a boiled egg for dinner. I also once ate 15gr of parmesan cheese, and one 0%fat, no sweeteners greek yoghurt.



(Sie kommen zu euch in der Nacht, Demonen (...) Schwartze Feen)



at least BMI is finally below 20.

I hate my German client. I hate him on so many levels I have a hard time restraining myself from insulting him in German all the time.

(insulting in German is so liberating)

I am despicable.

Mein Herz bMein Hertx brennt rennt!!!!







Now dear kids

listen carefully

I'm the voice from under the pillow

I brought something along

(...)

with this very heart I did it (...)

I'll sing 'till day breaks

A burning star from the sparkling firmament





I am so in love with Stefano, and yet I can't help my fear that thing may not work.He was away last week, now he's back. If he figures out I'm not eating, things may get out of control.



I don't wanna go back to eating

I just don't

Best. Day. Ever.

Who cares if Steve was too sick to go out last night? Who cares if it rains?
Who cares if work sucks, if Boyfriend is so absent, who cares about anything?

Not me people. Why?

Because the scale, my most loyal, most trust-worth friend, this morning told me I’m at 121.9lbs

My lowest weight in a long time, buddies. This fast is working, and is not even as hard as I had expected.

Current BMI: 19.34. Not enough of course, but still an achievement.

Cassie’s way of fake eating worked perfectly yesterday, and I’m doing it today as well. I didn’t even had any salad: since last Sunday night, my intake has consisted of water, unsweetened espresso, and all in all half a glass of warm half skimmed milk. And I’m going to the gym.

I don’t mean to sound pompous or anything, but I’m proud of myself. And I’m starting to think I can maybe manage to reach my goal for next Sunday.

This is my tummy, I took the picture with my blackberry this morning.

And this is when I suck the fat in:

(Yes, that's my teddy bear too. Why, don't you have a teddy bear?)

It’s going to be harder over the weekend (I’ll be at the parents’ place from Thursday night), because we’re throwing a huge party on Saturday night (60 people attending) so I’ll be cooking for two solid days. So My plan is to keep on fasting until Thursday night, and then try to stick to raw vegetables.
How are you people doing?
Matilda, sweetie, if you’re reading this, I don’t know why but I cannot post comments on your blog. My mind is with you, good luck for this 24h fast.
Marcus, let us know how your exams were, and how are you doing with your fast.

I love you all skinnies!!

Sunday morning: pear and gym

Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your breath..... Lucy's getting on her scale...

124.4lbs

Step down. Step up again. The number is still 124.4

I grin like an idiot and watch myself in the mirror. Yes, my tummy is flatter. I guess the fruit + veggies idea is working.
I also burnt 400kcals last night at the gym.
The only bad thing is, I have to go to work again today and tnight I'm leaving once more. Plus, I've barely slept because of an eye infecton that hurts like hell. But seriously, who cares? I'll be 120lbs or less by June 20, it's a promise to myself.

I love you skinnies.
I'm eating a pear for breakfast, then I'm off to the gym before work!!