Nothin's fine I'm torn

 Well, it's not as dramatic as the title may suggest, but I've torn AGAIN my left knee meniscus, the same one I broke 3 years ago and had surgery on almost two years ago. It took me 15 months from the surgery to walk okay, and now it's fucked up again. (and even before this last event, it was understood that running was a souvenir from the past).

I do not expect anyone has been reading this rambling blog for the last 10 years or so, but running used to be a big part of my life - until 3 years ago. And then, I got fat: no wonder, as I eat the same (or more) and I used to run something in between 18km and 40km per week.

In any case, there is no way I'm repeating surgery . frankly speaking, it was SO NOT WORTH IT - the pains were much more significant than the benefits.

The only problem is this only leaves me one option which is to lose weight. And instead, of course, I keep gaining :-(

PS how did I tear it this time? Oh, by doing exactly the exercises that all doctors and physiotherapists have suggested I do. What the fuck. 

August can be difficult

So we had to buy a new car as the old one was a company car and I had to give it back.

I wanted a Tesla but in the end the chargers are not yet spread enough in this country for it to make sense. I thought we were going to get a Mercedes Class A, went to the shop and Husband started blubbering about a CLA.

At this point I stepped up - there is NO WAY we need such a big car. If that's the budget he had in mind, fine, we were going to get what I liked.

I chose this beauty:

(yes, it does have a hard top - I'm not nuts yet).

No we do not need 4 seats. 2 and a small trunk are absolutely enough.

And what if you need to move something large? I'll hire someone or rent a van

And what if you have a baby? Well, that's not happening, is it? And if it happens, last time I heard you get quite a few months of notice - more than enough to sell the car a buy a larger one.

So we drove off to the Italian and Swiss Alps for a short vacation. Frankly, it wasn't great. We worked too much during the vacation, I got a horrible period with all my body aching full time... The long story short is: i) I can't stand this periods thing any longer and want to get back to Nexplanon; ii) Alps are beautiful and everything, but we haven't been at the sea since Jan20 and I just want to have some peaceful time laying in sun on a beach, not having to climb mountains or anything.

So when we came back to my Parents place at the lake, since I have a few extra days off and Husband wants to go back to work, we decided that I'll stay at the lake a couple more days, working a bit in the morning (this will allow me to take it easy next week, rather than start with a hellish week) and in the afternoons I lay in sun on the inflatable mattress on the lake with Mom (the Panther). I'll also take the cat to the vet on Friday since he has a big lump on his shoulder that will have to be removed - poor kitty!

It's good to cool off a bit and relax, but if the Panther keeps telling me more than 10 times a day that I got horrendously fat and I REALLY REALLY need to drop weight, I might scream.

Summer day

The day ahead is a difficult one and I wake up grumpy. The monster's running wild inside of me, insecure and tired.

I have lunch with all the other equity partners in my group. Most of them had known the 22 years old me. I want them to know that I am the same person - I may be 45 pounds heavier, but I'm still me.

The simple fact I want them to understand this tells me how insecure I am.

I end up opting for a long white strapless dress that is completely okay for drinks on the beach and that is quite out of place in an office. Ironically, this cheers me up just a tiny bit because I will manage to achieve what I want: it doesn't matter that we have aged, I'm still the same person. And if you continue to judge me because I'm not wearing a bra, fine.

I walk towards the office in my flowing dress and sandals, and while I cross the park the sun is right in my face. I squint and look at two bunnies I must have scared, as they sprint away in the grass. I squint some more and the tall man jogging in my direction is my husband. The light is so blinding I squint some more as he approaches.

He stops to quickly drop a kiss on my lips, he's sweated and barely touches me, but I'm in plain sun and his smile when he looks at me tells me everything I need to know.

I resume my walk towards the office, conscious that I'll try to keep cherishing this moment through the day and to hold on to it through the difficult hours ahead.

Signs of "normal" ahead

 The moment I stepped into the venue, a song from my pre-teen years started playing. The venue was entirely reserved for our party, and the sound was a bit eerie. It so sounds like my life with this job, and it goes, more or less like this (with some minor, liberal changes in the translation).

It's useless to talk about it, you'd never understand. I follow you anywhere, just to see where you lead me; I feel a bit childish, but I know you won't stop the dream of living in a movie.

And suddenly, you came into my life - I don't know who decided it, but I found myself in a daily struggle with rationality, and it is fine, as long as it brings me forward.

How come? What are you? To do this to me?

Nights and days all over you, caring for you

Tell me how come? What are you? To do this to me?

All this time for you, praying for a yes.

I know it sounds silly, but it didn't. Even more so when I later found out that my husband had asked the guys from the venue to play this when we walked in <3

The party was amazing, and I think part of that was due to the fact that it had been so long since the last time the team was able to gather and party properly, which used to be one of the beautiful things of this job and completely and suddenly disappeared 16 months ago.

My team was adorable - they even gifted me with a bottle of Sassicaia (honestly, they shouldn't have) - when they kicked us out because we were violating the curfew, they bought me the silly crown below. The pic is from the morning after.

I've also received my first shot of Pfizer and so did husband - we're scheduled for the second one mid-July. I cannot wait to go back to normal life.

One moment in time

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me ONE MOMENT IN TIME
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

(Whitney Houston)

In case you are still wondering, I'm heading to the party in honor of my promotion to equity partner. 

It's been a crazy week, with even a couple of tears in honor of the young, skinny, naive girl who always thought she wasn't good enough for this and she needed to find a job, who faced things a person shouldn't have to face, who messed up, cleaned up her mess, who stood up straight.

Now it's time for fun - like an idiot I forgot the coke at home but I'm sure it'll be fun - it doesn't even matter I'm not skinny tonight. Tonight, it's about what I've done and what I've achieved.