Lingering

 The last hot day was probably yesterday and that was good. Spring was written off with lockdown, summer was hectic and I'm ready to move on.

Back from a nice, short and too expensive vacation, lingering.

I have an incredible pipeline of projects at work, and this year I'm likely to sell just as much as any equity partner... if I stay.

I can't resign before end of September in any case, or I'd lose €95,000 of bonus.

I have a tentative offer from a project I'm working on, that would become reality towards the end of the year.

I'm also waiting a couple more weeks before having breakfast with the CEO of my dream job - I'm waiting because... I do hope maybe I won't get my period this time? If I do, I'll go and ask for the dream job.

I also need to restrict badly. My back aches horribly.

clarity is needed

I may have been a bit melodramatic, but for the sake of clarity, I am not pregnant. Just trying to.

As an excuse, last weekend was somewhat stressful as my 71 years old, lovely and idiot dad went missing for half a day while free climbing a quite dangerous ridge on Monte Rosa.

Dad is fine and safe, he's just an idiot.

Have a good weekend lovelies

Oh the pull

My friend asks me what do I find frightening about the possibility of being pregnant.

I find it so strange that the others do not have the same concerns I have.

9 months without painkillers. The sole idea makes me breathe harder. I have signed up for 20 sessions of back strengthening with a professional in September, but let's be honest... 9 months?

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go 5 weeks without painkillers, but there are times when I spend nights walking in circles around the house since I cannot stand, sit or lay down, and those nights I juggle between Ibuprofen, morphine, cortisol and aspirin in doses that are frankly embarassing.

9 months without drugs, 9 months without wine.

9 months of weight going up without any possibility to revert the trend

and the food? my pregnant friends do not eat any raw vegetable, any milk, any egg unless hard-boiled, any rice, any pasta, any raw fish or raw meat. And this list exhaust everything I DO eat (and like).

Well I met a friend who is a psychiatrist during the weekend and she's had two twins 4 months ago. She told me "the worst part was going 9 months without benzodiazepines". A soul like mine, finally...

We spent the weekend smoking weed, but hey, I stayed away from painkillers. I'm not even kidding myself.

Keith

Keith got married last weekend (finally, considering he's turning 44 next week).

I would have thought this would finally make everyone at peace with the fact that we never ended together, but apparently his parents never really stopped hoping (quite weird considering how everyone seems to believe I have the most rock solid marriage).

Year ago I probably would have spent hours agonizing over the "things could have been different". Now I believe that I have reached a sufficient mindfulness/inner peace not to fret over what could or could not have happened differently.

Good luck Keith - I am sorry we lost touch, but we've been living in different countries for 8 years and this kind of shit happens. I still care for you, and I truly wish you all the best.

I never fell for the super nice or truly good guys, but that is what you've always been and I always did give you credit for that, even when I was an idiotic teenager.

It's all right

I looked into a lie,

and I understood it's sickness

one can't heal from - it's an illness

And I thought about how hard we try. 

I looked into your secret hiding

and realized it was madness

believing in exclusiveness

So I tried to forget, to stop looking

And I watched TV

and I thought that they are stealing my time

and that you, you are stealing my love

But then I took a long walk outside

The sun was shining

And I stopped looking,

I stopped thinking

And it's all right, it's all right, it's all right

(any Italian reader will know the inspiration behind this, but I still decided to post it, after all most of the world does not speak Italian)

I think I am okay, really. Slowly but steadily, the stressful projects I'm on are reaching their natural conclusion and I do not think anything major will start before September.

I will take as much vacation as I can in August and focus on myself a bit.

And only after that I'll probably decide what to do workwise.

xoxo