Skinnier or sober? pieces of conversations

Pain is calling me

and it whispers to me softly "come and play"

I am falling

and IF I LET MYSELF FALL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch,

but why do I feel this party is over?

Coming down, coming down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm looking for myself skinnier

When it's good then it's good it's so good 'till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry never again

broken down in agony just trying to puke again.

(this is what I actually hear when I listen to Pink's Sober)

"You need to lose weight darling"

"I know mom, I do"

"Next time I'll cook the meat so it won't be tempting"

"Yes mom, let's do this".

"How much did you lose from last Saturday?"

"3kg" (that's 6.6lbs for you guys)

"It's too much! have you been fasting??"

"No dad. I have had lunch and dinner every day. I'm just stressed. And I probably gained 2kg back in the weekend"

"...."

"I know"

Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

and what if I did it again?

I do not expect anyone to be reading this from back in 2010. But back then I did drop a lot of weight, managed to reach a healthy BMI for once, with 115 pounds and BMI of 18.2.
I had abs showing
I started dating husband.

On this Sunday morning, while working (of course), writing slides on powerpoint and managing some admin stuff, I suddenly thought: and what if I really did it again? Instead of just blogging, obsessing and complaining. What I mean is, what would change if I did it again?

Beside the obvious joy I mean.
Work-wise, for example, it would not make things easier, quite the contrary. Sad but true, being the "once she was a real hottie" is much easier.


I can't control this flesh and blood
That's wrapped around my bones
It moves beneath me like a river
Into the great unknown

Nel deserto la nave abbandonai
Per me aveva senso
Son stato troppo tempo nella bestia
Ed ora saro libero

Someday we'll live like horses
Free rein from your old iron fences
There's more ways than one to regain your senses
Break out the stalls and we'll live like horses someday

Elton John and Luciano Pavarotti, Live like horses

I abandoned my ship in the desert

It made sense

Too much time being a beast

And now I will be free

one step too far?

No posts.
I'm fat.

I would really really like the best manager I have that works for me to hit on me.

I really really hope that does not happen - I know it will not happen.

I still love my husband, but I am freaking out due to work

workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork

fuck

Meet Meatball and Junior

Another birthday come and gone.

I order to spare both any embarrassment, I suggested husband that, as a gift, we'd take a day off and spend it in Venice (I'd never been).
Overall it was a great idea (no crowds!), despite the fact that it rained most of the time and that almost everything was closed.

I ended coming home with a sort of (sadly unwanted by everyone involved) gift:
our niece was given by her asshole father (who quit her mom 3 months after the kid was born) a couple of Robo hamsters. Of course male and female. The niece was totally uninterested from day 2. The hamsters recently became 7 (surprise!). I managed to find households for the father, 4 young ones, but now my niece and her family are going on vacation and they were going to simply toss away the remaining two.
I know it's a horror story, and since I could not stand the thought, I ended up being the brand new owner of two Robo hamsters. In a couple weeks hopefully I'll be able to tell if Junior is a male or female - and let's hope it's a girl, otherwise I'll have to think something.

We came home with the two (Meatball and Junior) last night and I've cleaned the cage, fed them fresh veggies and seeds, and I just ordered a big enlargement for their cage which shall be delivered tomorrow, as well as a new (hopefully quieter) wheel/spin. More toys to be added during the weekend.
Trouble is, I'm a sucker for pets and I cannot stand to see animals in a cage :-(