Something unexpected

I did something that may or may not be unexpected for you, but that was unexpected for me and for my family.
I went to the doctor and had my Nexplanon (ie birth control implant ) removed last Friday.

Only my husband (of course, he was involved in the decision) and my mom know this. I'm 37 and I'm not at all sure I will get pregnant, but we figured we'll give it a try.

It is scary, and in addition, I haven't had periods for 8 years and I'm not looking forward to that part, but hey. It's now or never.
If it happens, good. If it doesn't, we'll be okay.

Now, I need to lose weight. It will take a few weeks before anything can happen, and I shall take advantage now. So, diet, vitamins, etc etc.

I'm scared as fuck.


(and in the darkened underpass, I thought oh God, my chance has come at last,
but then a strage fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask)
I was listening to The Smiths a few weeks ago and I realized I couldn't just let this fear stop me

There is a light and it never goes out, there is a light and it never goes out

stuck on the couch

It's been two months already and I can hardly believe it.

Current status: stuck on my couch with ice bag on my knee.

I finally gave in and had knee surgery last Friday. I'm kind of regretting it - it's so difficult to carry through the day! Yesterday I worked from the office and by the evening my leg was screaming in pain. Today I'm working from home and I'm bored and lonely. Sigh.

Also, being on crutches (and supposedly I should avoid moving as much as possible) means I burn so few calories that I'm probably bound to become obese.
My scale does not really work if I only step on it with one foot so I have no precise picture of the situation, but I do see my belly.

Well, the thing to look forward to is that on December 30 we're leaving for Dominical Republic, where a lovely week at the Hard Rock Hotel is waiting for us :-)

new company in bed

So he doesn't have lung cancer.
at least that's good.

Working from Central Italy these days, nights spent at a lovely resort in the hills, total silence, sometimes a lovely, grey, slightly fat cat comes in to sleep with me. Adorable.
admittedly, I'd rather have hot nights rolling in bed with a big guy, but hey, one must be content with what whatever small joy life gives you right?

when they drop the C word, it's always shitty

It's been 9 months since we first went to see a doctor about husband breathing problem.
He got nose surgery in May, but they could not remove a small tumor he has on his skull, since they're afraid of touching the brain. Just keep it monired they told us.

The breathing finally seemed to improve in June when we went to Greece - at least for a while.

Then it got worse, with more polips forming in his nose.

In late July he got a mild case of pneumonia - mild also because I got him on antibiotics on day 1.

In august he started complaining about chest pains, and his breathing is worse than ever - his troubles seem to be lung-related now, not just nose-related. My dad happens to be a pneumologist, so he checked him last week and told him to just have a TAC.

As soon as husbad left the room dad told me to have the TAC and other exams done ASAP because, he said, "if he has cancer you'll need to know asap".

Fuck.

Waiting for the TAC results now. Meanwhile, frankly, I understand why he doesn't  quit smoking. Let's face it, who more than people like us can understand that? If I can't manage to get below 60kg, how on earth can I expect that he can stop smoking?

we've barely slept in the past 2 months, since he has so much trouble when we lay dow, and I'm having more and more trouble keeping my shit together at work.

Wedding party

At our friends wedding, we're having big fun. Many of these people work for TV, and they know how to throw a party.

It's the end of August, the last real day of summer, and everyone feels this (despite the heat that is still going on and on and on, relentless over the past three months and tonight). Everyone is having fun, but they seem to put some extra energy in their having fun.

It seems like a scene from The Great Gatsby.

Crossing the renaissance villa's Italian gardens (facing the sea), I see my husband. standing tall and suntanned among the other people. His back straight, his stance confident, he's one of the few men who do not look overwhelmed by the heat. He's confident, at ease.

And I remember when I met him, it was so clear he was the only one for me.
We both knew it, right away, and as the years went on, things got more difficult - we were faced with more challenges.

I begged him to stay, try to remember what we had in the beginning.

He is charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knows it. When he walks in, everyone stands up to talk to him.

I always have the sense that he is torn between being a good person and missing out on all the opportunities that life can offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way, I... understand him.

And I love him, I love him, I love him.



Post Scritptum
the politics opportunity is real. But
 would anyone really want to get involved in politics in this country?
 this people have a lot to hide, and I know some. I know they earn a lot that if off the records, and I'm not sure if there is worse than that
So I don't really think I'll do it.
I'm not going to say I sleep easily, as anxiety is big these days. But at least it's anxiety about what I do, and it's not guilty feeling (ok, lots of guilty feelings 'bout food, but you know what I mean LOL).