dirty

Extreme ways are back again, extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again, everything that I'd owned
I through it out of the windows and came along
Extreme ways I know move apart the colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that help me, they help me out late at night
Extreme place I had gone, but never seen any light,
dirty basements, dirty noise, dirty places coming through, extreme worlds alone, did you ever like it then?

I would stand in line for this,
there's always room in life for this!


Should I buy the superb loft I just visited?

Should I quit my job and run for parliament (I actually could make it, and this opportunity will not present itself again). I hate politics, but dear Lord, I'd love to have a grated lifetime salary for the rest of my life, and all for sacrificing one or two years.

Can I just go to sleep and wake in three months (skinny)? pretty please?

I think I'm dumb

PS - yes, the Nikita show was the one starring Peta Wilson. I don't know if I would recommend it - I loved it, but the desperate sadness and hopelessness it transmitted were quite strong triggers.

Nikita

This is the story of someone who almost always (some exceptions, granted) put her job ahead of everything else, including dieting.

How did this happen?

At school I was not exactly a teachers' pet. I was a rebel, I would only study/paid attention to classes I cared for, and those were few. Neither was I good at studying I'm afraid, although I found out this only once in university.

Then, university was almost over and I needed money. In this country, you don't have student loans. My parents were no longer paying the bills (mind you, I think that was fair), and I needed a salary - desperately. Rent and groceries were not coming for free.

I had a couple internship gigs, and then I was hired by the company I currently work for.
I do financial due diligence - basically, when you want to buy a company, you come to see me. You pay my firm a fee, and I'll dig through all the financials of the company you want to buy and outline all issues/hidden gems.

This job I started and 22 and I sometimes feel it has eaten away my life.
Back in the 90's there was a TV show called Nikita (yes, there was a remake about 8/10 years ago).
The original Nikita looked a bit like me, only, she looked very deep while when I gaze like that I just look like an idiot. Anyways, that show reflected the total lack of control I had over my life since I started this job.

From the very beginning, I was cautioned to find something else as this job was unsustainable (for a woman especially of course they thought and said). This I could not do.
Since then, I changed employers often (eventually returning to the origins), I vanished in another country for year, I changed email so often, lost touch with almost everyone. But I have many friends working with me.
Although sometimes I look around: there were 90 in my team at the beginning of the year, and only 56 are left, but we must go on - meeting the goals is my prison.

And when I think the wind is blowing, freedom (partnership) will soon come - I suddenly remember the goals will be even harder.

We are so fucking crazy that in some countries we call each project a "special mission". How much Nikita does that sound to you?

Les Allemands etaint chez moi, ils me dirent: Resigne toi! mais je n'ais pas peur. J'ai repris mon arme
J'ai changé 100 fois de nom, j'ai perdu femme et enfant, mais j'ais tant d'amis: j'ai la France entière...

A charge to keep I have,
a body to glorify
a never dying hunger to abate
and fit it for the sky

Cold as stone

You can sleep forever, still, you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone, still, you won't find peace.

I feel I'm just spending (wasting time)

Only with mellow are you thin enough to slide through
Don't let nothin' ride you
If the sun or the moon would give way to doubt, they would immediately go out
Only one swallow doesn't make a summer - but you gotta start somewhere

I've been waiting, I'm still waiting, I've been waiting, I've been waiting, I've been waiting, I'm still waiting
I'm with you - with you IT'S ALWAYS ONE STEP TOO FAR
One step too far

Last night

"Are you driving home tonight?"

"Yes Mom, as promised. I'll chack on Granny as soon as I'm there"

"Good. I did not leave any food at home. You'll be better fasting anyways"

"Ok Mom"

(And what about Husband?)

Ended feeding eggs, salad and anchovies with cheese to Husband, and a small portion for me.

Today

Woke up extra early, Husband drove back to the city and I went running by the lake. It was awesome.

I'm no longer use to being alone. That's what years of marriage do to you I suppose.

Does Granny feel this way? She's 97. It's Thursday and she is not used to Mom being away. Called already twice this morning saying why did I not show up, it's Saturday and we planned to shower. 

Poor Granny. I'll go later today of course. 

Faithless

The fact that waking up at 61.3kgs (135pounds) and finding it's the lowest weight I've been over the past two years or so is freaking depressing.

The fact that I've dropped 6.4kgs from the beginning of December is a bit more cheering

The fact that Hubby has dropped 4 kilos without trying since Monday is fucking depressing. Poor Hubby had nose surgery on Monday and he's bee living on ice cream since. Had I done that, I would have gained 4 kilos instead of dropping LOL

However I'm overall on a good path. I've set up a routine that is, overall, relatively easy to follow.
I have protein shake for beakfast
skip lunch
eat chicken and veggis for dinner, or tuna and veggies. Sometimes I throw in some tzatziki.
I avoid wine unless on Fridays
I binge on saturday night and sunday lunch and than go back to routine

I still look and am fat. I hope to reach 59kg before vacation (3 weeks from now). Since I'll spend one week working from my parents' place all alone, maybe I'll manage (I have to stay there when they are on vacation, to be easily within reach of my grand mother and take care of her in mornings - she's 97 and lives on her own, but when parents are away it's up to me to shower her and shop for her).

I know how idiotic this sounds, but if I manage to drop 2kg in the next three weeks, this may kind of restore a little bit of faith in myself. Over the past 6 months, I haven't believed for a single second I can achieve anything in life anymore.


Lastly, I changed hair color, having it faded from bronde on the crown to caramel blond, with blond highlights in front. Still unsure about it, but IF I drop the desired weight I might post pics from my vacation