When I saw my husband name on the phone screen at 2AM, my heart sank. I was in Barcelona for a corporate event, and had wisely left the team at the disco at 1h30 in the morning to get back to the hotel and get some sleep.
I picked up and all my fears were confirmed. He was high, did not know where he was and tried to articulate "can you come and pick me up?". Clearly, I could not, and he had absolutely no clue of his whereabouts.
One hour of meditation later I managed to fall asleep. I told myself he was going to make it home like many other times. I tried very hard not to think about the time he made it home with a broken arm, an injured feet, broken glasses, a black eye and a huge cut on his hand. At least now he no longer wear glasses. Needless to say, it was not a restful night.
I made it home on the next evening, and found him with a huge violet mark on half of his face a two twisted fingers.
The last time something of the kind happened was this, and the worst time (mentioned above, when he broke his arm etc etc) never made it to this blog as I've tried very hard to erase it from my mind. And that does not include the time the police wanted to talk to him as they were arresting a dealer and wanted to know how much and how many times and what exactly he had purchased. And the time I was in New York (for work) and his friends had to bring him back to his parents place as he was shit faced and had lost the keys to go home. And the time he spent one year without a driving license for DUI (although admittedly he stopped driving if he's drunk anything, even one glass of beer, and that happened before we got together).
The point is, I have a hard time making him stop when I'm with him when he's past his limit, but when I'm away there is no way of knowing the amount of trouble he'll get in. And frankly, this is not fair on me.
I do not really know what to do, but I can't take this shit any longer. And clearly, the idea of having a baby has gone down the drain. I've been in so much pain (back, knee and mouth hurt like hell whenever I have periods), that at this point I'm taking an appointment asap to have a brand new Nexplanon inserted in my arm. He has not fed the hamster in 3 days I was away, how could he be responsible for a baby? (The hamster is fine - I had left it dried food and water enough - but it does not really like dried food and prefers to have fruits, or salad, cheese etc).
I knew I married an alcoholic, I knew it back then. What really worries me is that I do still love him, but something has broken this time and I do not think it can be fixed.
5 comments:
I am sorry you are going through this Lucy.
Personally I wouldn't get another implanon just yet. I would see a specialist ASAP.I'm sure your husband would be more responsible with a child than a hamster. I have a good friend like your husband. I doubt he is as fancy or talented as your husband though. He and his wife have no children either, I think the alcohol / other substances played a role in that. I feel SO sad she had to change her plans because of his vices. So I caution against that. You can afford an au pair if you need it.Besides, he may have changed. People can and do change. I myself have changed a lot. I still have huge personal failings myself so I can't judge others. I am sorry you have endured so much pain lately😔 You are by far the most glamorous person I have ever "known". I see you as truly blessed. I kind of screwed up my career and other aspects of my life which lead to a lot of pain, personal and physical but I have found another path. It may be destiny or God's will. Love from across the globe, Shelby xoxoxo
I'm so sorry about your husband. I can't imagine having to deal with that, and worry about him all the time. Does he know he has a problem? Whether he's willing to admit it/get help would be a major factor in whether or not children would still be a possibility, I would think.
Also, thank you for your last comment on my blog. I think of you and this blog space so often but life is so hectic right now, I almost never get on here. I occasionally get time to read but never to post.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. As an alcoholic myself, I don't think that you can fix someone who doesn't want the help (or maybe doesn't even recognize the problem). I worry that you could put yourself in danger trying to make him stop when he's already out of it, and may not be acting like himself. Sometimes the best thing to do is to refuse to engage with the self-destructive behaviour, as hard as it is for both parties.
xxBella
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