Fuck off moon

After everyone else in the world, I finally got this fucking respiratory infection that's been running around the whole month. Husband caught it on his way back from Colorado (which of course was on the day Delta airlines fucked up, and needless to say he was flying Delta). Then we spent a couple days in the Swiss Alps, and 3 days in central Italy by the seaside (before the earthquake luckily) with fat friends.
On a side note, modesty on Italian beaches is unknown. I'm not criticizing (I would totally stay naked if that was acceptable, but even topless is totally unacceptable) but most girls (even fat ones) wear brazilians or string bikinis which are totally unflattering for most.
I did not gain, but I did not lose either.
On the sunny side, I'm back to being the white knight of the company at work (actually, I've even been enrolled for the stock option plan, which involves like 12 people out of 1800 - cute huh?).

Back o how I'm feeling - I've been at a different gym where mirrors are angled in such a way one gets a full view of one's back. I almost burst in tears. I knew my tights are huge, but... well..

And so last night I dreamed for the millionth time the same old memory, the time when B (who fucked my life over 11 years ago) told me "you no longer have the hot body you had when we got together". (by the way when he told me that I was a good 710 pounds lighter than I am now)

Fuck off moon, since that mess
Since that unlucky night
How long has it been moon? It feels like being left outside

I wonder what happened to the skinny girl I was
and to that bastard I still want

How long has it been moon, since I lost it
I even buried my heart
What happened to me?
I bade myself farewell

How bad it feels being so lonely
In these nights of damned dreams

What happened to her,
What did we make of ourselves?
What happened to the Lord: did he also bid farewell to us

Shattering

My Facebook Status currently recites:

Kiss me hard before you go,
Ste#@*° #+%§§i
I just wanted you to know
That Baby, you're the best

The name is that of my husband, who left over 10  days ago for Colorado (I'm in Europe).

All dolled up (in a professional way) for the Board of Directors that's happening, I know that, while I was one of the white knights of the Company until last week, I'm now in the shit house. The deal that everyone believed secure, blew up. On the same day they announced 700 employees will be made redundant.

No wonder I've got that summertime sadness.
It doesn't matter, I'll be back on my feet.



Got my bad baby by my heavenly side: I know if I fast, I'll die happy tonight
Plan is liquid fast from now (Wednesday afternoon) until Friday night or Saturday morning if it can be managed (considering I have a 120km drive ahead on Friday night and I do not wish to really die - I just wish I could disappear).
I haven't fasted this way in a very long time, but right now, I need to see change happening.
And to see it happening that fast, there's only one way.

Stay strong lovelies

A tale we've all been through

(freely inspired from the French song Il avait les mots), a tale of meeting Ana and Mia

She was way older than me and I silly fell into her arms. Through her I found out things I never knew before: she seemed sincere and I fell for that.
What kept bothering me was she would rarely stay for long, but as soon as she spoke, I'd shut up.

She knew the words and made me addict
I would already saw myself skinny
She knew the words and made me addict
I did not know that
I did not know her

I no longer had a life, I only thought about her, even though it was obvious she often lied. She would get lost halfway though her praising of me, would say she loved me, and I would deal with it: I'd forgive her. She would leave, she would talk to others but what was she hiding? I would soon find out

She knew the words and made me addict
I would already saw myself skinny
She knew the words and made me addict
I did not know that
I did not know her

I followed her and saw a horrible place, and suddenly I realized she had family (MIA). All the while, I was wrong, I WAS WRONG!
MIA found me, and immediately told me I was not the first idiot she used to amuse herself, all the while I was wrong, I WAS WRONG!

She knew the words and made me addict
I would already saw myself skinny
She knew the words and made me addict
I did not know that
I did not know her

Devious thoughts

I fell because I'm an idiot.
Or, more likely, I fell because my ass is too heavy and fat and big.

Rewind
Last Saturday I went to see a doctor in the morning, because lately my back has been bothering me. The doc said my right leg is longer than my left one (which I knew, I smashed my right tibia when I was a kid), and both my hips and shoulders are unbalanced. In addition, I am super tense in the higher part of back and in the neck and when he asked me if I can touch my toes while keeping my legs straight I almost laughed into his face.
So he ordered 1 sessions of physio + tecar therapy and 10 sessions of specific back exercises. Luckily  my insurance will pay for all of this. He said I can keep running, but advised against distances over half marathons.

So, after a long walk on Saturday afternoon with the Panther (my mom), when dad proposed to go for a short uphill run I enthusiastically joined. It was fun and fine.
Then on Sunday we went for a (previously planned) long run - Dad, Hubby and I. After about 2 minutes, we passed some acacia trees in full bloom and I focused on the flowers, thinking "I could fetch some of those on the way back", because where I live we sometimes eat acacia flower fritters (the essence of sweet + fat). Karma is a bitch. I should not think these kind of thoughts.
So, while distracted, I didn't spot a whole in the road and fell.
No serious damage taken. I got up after a couple minutes and we eventually went for a not-so-long (10km) slow run, but afterwards my right knee got very swollen (and my left hip is badly bruised).
Result: no running and lots of ice on my knee this week.

Do not misunderstand me: this is no bad luck or whatever. This is me being overweight and thinking sinful thoughts, thus heavily landing on my poor knee.

I skip meals, I gain wait, I can't sleep
what a fuck up
and what do I want a 6pack for?
I'm not even going to the sea this year
I'm turning 34 in a month, who the fuck am I kidding? crop tops are no longer an option.

I wish I could say the new job was a launch ramp for success.
It is not.
fuck.