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Alejandro came over last night, and from the moment he stared at my body, I knew I was lost.

“Lucy. You are so beautiful. Your face, your hair... your body. I could stare at your body for hours, it’s just… flawless”

Alejandro, who could totally belong to a male thinspo, was just as usual: perfect tan, perfect waxed legs, his three tattoos in their places, his abs discreetly peeking, his pecs showing just as I like, not too much, not too little. His soft skin, his hands on my face.

“I missed you so much Alejandro”

“Me too Lucy. You have no clue”

Fast forward – two hours later

“I want you so bad. It’s been years, Lucy. You know that with no one else it is like with you”

“What about tomorrow? What if next week I want you again?”

“I’ll be there each time you’ll want me, you know that. I made a promise to you, years ago, and I’ll keep it forever”

“I know you will. But it wouldn’t be fair”

“I’d never cheat. But you… You came first. You came before my girlfriend. Mostly, the alchemy we share… I will never give you up. I tried, and I have never managed to. I’m going to kiss you now, and I’m going to do all I want to do. Just tell me to stop if that’s what you want, and I’ll let go”

...

We both cried out, loud. We both cried for more, until there was no more. It was as good as in my souvenirs, maybe even better.

(I was extremely thankful both my neighbors are on vacation)

When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer,

I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there

In the midnight hour I can feel your power

Just like a prayer, you know I’ll take you there

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing,

I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Feels like flying

I close my eyes, Oh God: I think I’m falling!

Last, but not least, stats:

120.8lbs

BMI: 19.19

Apparently, it shows

“You look great honey! You lost weight are look so fit!” Dad said on Friday, when we met at the station.

“Do I?” I knew he was right. I was 120.8lbs on Friday morning, add some high heels I had worn that gave me 4 supplementary inches, and the equation worked in my favor.

Later on the same day, Mother said “You look so thin!! Well done!”

I guess it’s true. I know the weight is not as low as I may wish, but I realized I am better fit than I thought. Over the weekend, dad and I hiked a 4500mt peak (the one in the pic below), and I really did well, never felt too tired or anything. It felt like my legs could go on forever and ever.

It felt like getting closer to the sky.

Most important, dad was so happy we went for this hike, I was glad I had accepted, although I wasn’t very motivated in the beginning. We did have a great time. And, the whole thing totally boosted my metabolism!

I’m hitting the gym again tomorrow morning, then I have a meeting with clients, and a pretty charged week.

Also, I’m working with a junior who’s thinner than I am, so it’s gonna be my motivation for the next two weeks.

Last week was kind of emotionally charged. I even cried on the phone with Alejandro… I’ll do better this week.

I’m not fasting, because from now until my August vacation I need to train harder, but I’ll still be restricting. I hope I didn’t gain too much over the weekend (although I burnt a lot, I had family lunch on Saturday and family dinner last night…). We’ll see tomorrow morning.

Love you skinnies!

Breathe

I did not manage to fast on Monday (friend came over for dinner… ugh), but I did fast yesterday and I’m going on today. 122lbs this morning, before hitting the gym for a long overdue 500kcals burning session. Man it felt good.

Also, I have very long, slightly curly hair that lately I always blow dry straight (until 2 months ago or so, I never used to blow dry it). Now that I finally fully manage the technique (17 minutes from stepping out of the shower to having dry, straightish waist-long blond hair), I’m considering slightly scaling it. A bit like Niki from Heroes, do you remember her looks in Season 1?

Something like this (although my hair is a bit darker).

Anyway, I know you have opinions about the Boyfriend / Steve debacle.

In first place, consider this: when Boyfriend moves here, his friends will stay in France. I mean his “lady-friends” from work. And we lived together for two years and things were good. So I’m hoping that things will be good again. IF things don’t work out (with all the living together again), we’ll split. But right now, I’d be an awful bitch. After all, he’s going to leave his life, work and friends behind and he’s moving to a new country just for me.

I saw Steve last night… I think we’re good. I mean, Steve’s not in love with me. Sure, he has feelings for me, but let’s consider these point: (i) he only tries to kiss me when drunk, (ii) he hooked up with a girl from Brazil while in Greece and (iii) Steve’s probably leaving the country for two years or so starting next November.

Yet, he remains my rock. Work would be (will be?) totally unbearable without him. Outside work, I would feel way more lonely if we didn’t spend half of our evenings hanging out together.

Last night we had a beer at the corner, then he walked me home. I hugged him and asked if he wanted to come upstairs, although he totally understood it was a friendly (and not sexy) offer. So he hugged me back and said he wanted to go home because he was tired. I checked a little later that he was home and safe (Steve’s known for getting lost at ten meters from his place, at least here in the city), said goodnight and went to sleep. That’s what a best friend does. That’s what I want.

Last but not least: what happened to Bella from Return of the Wolves? Her blog is missing and I’m kinda worried.

I love you all, skinnies

Show me love (+ t.A.T.u. thinspo)

This was an accident, not the kind where sirens sound

Never even noticed we’re suddenly crumbling

Tell me how you’ve never felt delicate or innocent,

Do you still have doubts that us having faith makes any sense?

Steve was testing me and even if I realized it, I was too bitter and just told him the truth. He asked me about the weekend and insisted, until I unveiled how “Boyfriend and I” was more like “Boyfriend, his two lady-friends from work, and I” and how I felt I was the one intruding. How they treat him like he’s THEIR boyfriend, chaperoning them here and there, how when I was soo tired at 6AM in the morning and felt like fainting we had to stay at the party (which was over) because one of them was hanging out with a boy and we couldn’t just leave her like that. (Hello? The girl is aged 34 and was driving her own car, and was not drunk. Couldn’t she deal with her own shit, huh?). I’m not even jealous, I know it’s like that when I’m not there, it’s fine, I don’t care, but when I’m in the scene, well, I AM THE GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Steve said I’m crazy if I’m accepting this situation, and I said I don’t know what to do. I said I cannot possibly dump him now: he quit his job and is moving to Italy for me, and I know what it’s like, so I just can’t dump him.

Steve said I should know all issues will eventually emerge. Which deep in my heart I know is likely. He didn't take the news very well though. I hurt him and I didn't want to. He just didn't let go and kept asking until I spilled everything.

I play games you play tricks,

Girls and girls but I’m the one

Like a game of pick up sticks,

Played by fucking lunatics!

So now let’s summarize what’s on my mind:

No 1: I’m fucking scared about BF moving, and I can’t avoid it. I know that if he wasn’t moving, I’d consider breaking up. In the end, I know all I can do is wait for him to settle here and see how things will go.

No 2: Steve may or may not be sentimentally involved with me. He may or may not have been hoping that I’d break up with Boyfriend. I’m fucking scared I’m going to lose him. Two hours ago he had to leave for a new project and will be working out of the office until September (although in the city): I’m already a bit at loss.

No 3: 124.1lbs. Again. I hate myself, I wanna cry and cry and cry. Instead, I have to work. Well, with Steve out of the office, no one will notice I’m fasting.

As for the new girl, here is my decision. Today I’m working in a part of the office where I won’t see her, but when I go back to the open space, I’ll just hide my red bracelet. I’ll even take it off for a couple of days if necessary. In the meanwhile, I’ll watch over her. Let’s see whether she starts crying or not. I really hope for both of us that she doesn’t.

PS: Matilda, lovely, the red bracelet is the worldwide symbol of ana supporters.

Wild nights, danger ahead (long post)

The last days have been confusing. Great moments, with lots of fun, and then some melancholy.

And then the BAD.

Let’s start with the good.

I went out Wednesday night with the crew from work. Steve and I walked to the pub together, ordered two beers and just chilled waiting for the others. The weather is getting hotter and hotter: we’re having over 97F in the evening!! (37Celsius)

So we clicked our glasses and soon after I got up because I wanted to wash my hands, and of course colors started fading and I faltered. Steve grabbed me until I was stable again, and stared at me.

“If you are going to drink that beer, you’d better eat at least something, or you’ll end up drunk, embarrassing yourself in front of all the colleagues”

“… I guess you’re right”

So I ate (300Kcals) and I ended up drinking one beer and a half.

In the meanwhile, Alvaro, Mick, Robin and two others joined us, and Steve managed to drink 12 beers plus half of my second. Of course he ended up drunk, got loud and everything, but it was so funny! At 11-ish, Alvaro bended towards my ear and said “Steve’s drunk. And he’s been staring at your breasts over the last 15 minutes or so. If you prefer, I’ll drive you home when we go”

After the pub, we went to Steve and Robin’s place for a smoke. Well, before we got there, Steve (who by the time was veeeeeeery drunk) pushed me in a corner (firmly but gently) and started getting way too close to my lips. I didn’t want this to happen!! Not in front of the others!! But luckily Alvaro stepped in and pulled me away!! Later on he drove me home as promised: he’s such a gentleman!

Anyway, on the next day Steve emailed me early in the morning: Is there anything I should know about last night that I might not remember? S.

LMAO

When he got to work, he was in a bad shape, head aching and everything, but we spent most of the day together, at the desk or at the coffee machine and I told him stories about the night before and we had a blast! I really hope we’ll do something like that next week!

Let’s go on with the BAD.

We have a new intern. Of course, before she arrived, we checked her out on facebook. I immediately noticed her collar bones. The girl must have a BMI of 16 or so. Bad. Anyway, she got here yesterday. The first thing I noticed: she’s so skinny and beautiful. The second: she has a permanent tattoo, stating THE mantra: “Quod me nutrit me destruit”. The third: while I was staring at her tattoo, she was staring at my red bracelet. Fuck.

This can only lead to trouble. The last girl we hired is a skinny puppy who cries all the time and now thinks I’m her new girl-friend at work (which is bad enough). This new one? She won’t last. She isn’t strong enough to survive in this office, but the boys will bring her out with us and everything. As soon as work gets tough, she’ll start crying and spilling her secrets. And she may spill mine as well. I know, I should support her, but the truth is her presence scares me. Let’s hope I’m wrong.

In the meanwhile, I’m leaving for France for the weekend: Boyfriend and I are attending a wedding by a swimming pool. Food will consist of meat, so I shall be able to avoid bingeing (I’m veggos), and hopefully I’ll get a tan.

I was 121.3lbs this morning, and I hope to be the same on Monday!! BMI: 19.26. I want to see an 18.

I love you skinnies, your comments are the strongest motivation ever

PS I’ll start next week’s fast on Sunday afternoon. I think Ancora and Marcus will fast as well, will you guys? Anyone else joining?