Nothing but fat

I'm still around, but not much is happening.

Except for me gaining weight, my mother cooking for 10 when it's 5 of us eating, and then nagging at me for my being fat.

Oh, and for forking out an advance payment of €280k for the flat - the purchase will be final at the end of February. The only one that seems excited about this is my nephew Luke, but then again, he's a sweetheart.

Old ones

 GrandMa is turning 97 next today. Since I'm working12319832761478946 hours a day, we baked a cake and made persimmon ice cream on Sunday to have a bit of a birthday celebration.

She has not had a good week - I think in a couple weeks or so, unless she gets better, she will no longer be able to climb stairs. I've been trying to convince the Panther that Granny needs to move in with my parents and that we can't wait any longer, but she... I dunno. Says that Granny is happy to live on her own. True I guess, but I'm really afraid she'll fall and end her days alone at the hospital, scared and abandoned (you can't visit anyone in hospitals right now, and those who check in at her age rarely check out these days).

On a different note, as Granny becomes more and more erratic, we were looking for some papers a couple weeks ago, and we found a notebook scribbled by GrandFather.

GrandFather has literally looked after me for a long time, because I did not attend kindergarden or any kind of nursery before I started school at 6. I loved him dearly, he was a great man, born 1917, capable, intelligent even though he didn't go much to school, and mostly he was good and kind.

The notebook turned out to be a story of his youth, he wrote in 2001. Despite all the difficulties, most of it transmits a pure joy of having lived a life fulfilled with satisfaction for his achievements. I also love how we wrote about GrandMa: in a tender way that is so full of respect it borders on shyness. It felt like reading "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café", one of my favourite books.

The only sad part is really about him dating a girl born out of marriage when he was a teenager, and blaming himself on having wronged her by dating her because he knew he could not have introduced her to his family or marry her since she didn't have a father - how sad really.

I spent a night reading through his memories and shed a few tears - I'm so grateful at having found this, at having received this peace of memory. It was like being granted another day to spend with him, 14 years after he passed away.

Crystal palace

 I've signed to buy a flat in the posh district I was looking at. I found a larger flat, had a long persuasion session with Husband, brought him over to see the flat for himself, and it's done.

Now, I'll just have to work like a slave for the next 20 years to pay the mortgage, but hey, I'm going to live in the coolest place in Milan (which, if you'll forgive me, is the fucking coolest city in the world, no offense).

I think the fact that I've been quarantined last week following lunch with my friend Theo who was afterwards tested negative, helped me in the decision to hand out all my savings. I was tested negative last Friday, but spending 8 days in my 40 square meters was quite challenging.

On other news, offices are not closed here but basically no one is going and there is no way I'm taking the tube. I think, since I have scheduled appointments with my physical therapist on Tuesday and Thursday mornings (and it's next door to the office), I'll be working those day in the office, Wednesday at my place and we'll probably be spending more time by the lake, from now until year end.

And hopefully I'll manage to move by February at latest.

The small joys work gives us...

 ... include when, in the same videocall, held in English and involving people who struggle with English, manage to say:

I'm kinky! (I think instead of Kidding)

and also (same guy)

I have an erection (I think he meant "I have a reaction" but not sure!)

Not everything was good back when I was skinny

 The number on the phone says it's from France but I don't recognize it, so I just pick up

"Lucy Shadow speaking"

"Hello Lucy! It's Ben V! You remember? Do you still speak French?"

I do. I remember Ben V. While he keeps talking, I spend about three minutes trying to remember if I've ever had sex with him or not. Ben V was working in the same firm I was in my first years in Lyon.

I decide I did not, mentally pat myself on the shoulder and start paying attention.

While he proceeds telling me he now works for a private equity fund and that they're looking at an Italian company and he's seeking an Italian advisor, etc etc, suddenly some long buried souvenir floats to the surface of my mind.

I remember a mad night some 14 years ago, a night of drinks, sex, screams and madness. A night I had willingly buried in the darkest places of my mind for a long time.

Ben V rambles on and we agree he'll send me an email. I look up at the private equity firm he works for and spot my favourite client among their credentials, so I take a big breath and call him to ask for feedback. The good news is one of the partners who just joined Ben V firm is someone I know well and with whom I enjoy an excellent professional relationship! Of course he asks me why I sound worried about this, and I end up telling him a "mitigated" version of the story.

Later on, I dig into an older blog of mine archive, and found the post below. Trouble is, names have been changed and I can't place a sure identity on "Arnaud". He might be Ben V or he might be another guy who was friend with Nicolas (again, you'll have to read below to understand). Fuck.

Nicolas was a guy I knew in Lyon that I casually dated over a summer. I was 23, single and... well I don't regret the random sex life per se but sometimes it still backlashes at me.

Coyote Ugly

September 25, 2006

 

The night out with Nicolas finally happened but was… awkward

 

Do you all remember the Coyote Ugly girls? The idea was that coyotes that get trapped cut away the trapped leg with their teeth, to run away. Just the way you would want to do sometimes, when you wake up beside someone after a funky night, and all you wish is to run away without waking him. You know what I mean, huh?

 

Before you misunderstand, we did not do it. Ok, I’ll explain everything.

 

I arrived to the party around 9PM, wearing this innocent/lusty dress I have since college, that never failed to make me get what I wanted.

Nicolas wasn’t there yet, but there was Helene, girlfriend and neighbor of mine, who instantly started to pour me her wonderful vodka sour. One hour (and more than one vodka) later, Nicolas arrived with his friends, not yet drunk but already quite high. I just smiled, and he said “My love, why didn’t you answer me?” I was stunned. Picked up the phone and found a message from him, from two hours before, that said “Sweetheart, I’ll arrive later, shall we meet directly at the pub? Kisses”. I watched Nicolas, and smiled while he was saying “I don’t want everyone to see there’s something between us” just to start publicly making out with me, hands all over me and tongue down my throat.

 By the time we left for the pub, the evening was great.

We were both drunk, but still happy drunk. So, making out some more at the pub, just seemed a wonderful idea. Music was great, Nicolas (who apparently knows everyone no matter where he goes) was introducing me as his fiancé (???) to everyone, including my new junior colleague, who just watched me astonished (and I wasn’t enough shit faced to avoid thinking “MERDE, I’ll have to fix this”).

 When we decided to move to a club next door, the drama started. They wouldn’t let us in, basically because Nicolas was all over me. And then Arnaud, Nico’s spazzy friend, came out from the disco. I tried to persuade them to get in without me, so that I could join them a few minutes later, but by this time it was getting hard to explain things to Nico. And then, Arnaud pulled close and grabbed my breast.

I FRAKED OUT.

I got scared, screamed at them both, and tried to left. They tried to persuade me to move to another club with them, but I wasn’t getting it, Arnaud would not let me go and I realized that Nicolas wasn’t really seeing what was happening. So, when a friend of them pulled over in his car and they got distracted, I slipped away, walked for a while in the rain that had started pouring, managed to get a cab and went home sobbing.

Nicolas started calling me while I was in the cab but I was probably incoherent and he was still drunk.

Fifteen minutes after I got home, I had just got out of my drenched dress and into a nightie, when Nicolas showed up at my place. I buzzed him in, because after all I've had so many great nights with Nico and trusted him to be a good guy. I did think he had not fully grasped what was going on and I just wanted someone to hug me.

When I open the door the corridor was pitch black, Nico was drenched and smiling, whispering soft sexy French words. I stood by to let him in, and in he got. And behind him, Arnaud tried to get in as well.

I slammed the door on Arnaud, he backed out, I slammed the door again on his hand and he started howling and finally I got the door shut.

Shaking, I locked the door only to realize Nico was still in, and Arnaud was out pounding fists on my door.  Cold, miserable and frightened, I burst in tears. Nico started talking to the door quitly "Go away Arnaud. Go away. Why are you here? You were supposed to drop me off and leave. Go away or I'm coming out and beat your face to pulp. Was it you then who scared her? Fuck you asshole. Leave now, or I'll call the cops and they'll find some nice white stuff in your pocket".

That must have worked because Arnaud left. I didn't really want Nicolas to stay but I was to afraid to open the door again, and anyway he slumped on the couch shortly after and passed out.

I slept out of exhaustion, but 4 hours later I had to catch the train at 6:30AM (weekend with parents had been planned long ago). I did not want to wake Nicolas and talk about it, so I just left him asleep on my couch leaving him a note.

 

I don’t even know how the hell will I manage to walk into the office on Monday morning, after everyone saw the two of us on Friday night

Back to present, I decide I can't figure who Nico's friend was that night. I haven0t seen any of these people for over 12 years. I give a call to Ben V boss, say hi, and decide I'll take the engagement anyways. The past is gone and shall better stay forgotten. There will be no going for drinks on this engagement in any case. Any out of office meeting will be strictly confined to breakfast!

Crystal palace

 Citylife is my biggest dream in terms of buying a flat in the city. It's this new area they have completly rebuilt 6 years ago that was turned into a big (beautiful) park, 3 skyscrapers and a mall, and 2 enclosed residential complexes that are supposed to be the best you can have in this city.

When we step through the gates, it's perfect. The real estate agent is elegant, there are families quietly chatting in the common garden areas, everything is quiet and beautiful in a lovely autumn evening.

The flat looks like a fucking closet.

Granted, it's beautiful, but it is advertised as a 136 square meters (1,464 sq feet) and the insternal space is actually 84sqm (904sqf). There is a big balcony, true, but what the fuck, my husband is right, we can't possibly spend over one fucking million Euros for a fucking closet.

And we can't afford to spend more. We can't even afford that much. I do make a lot of money now, but the sad truth is I've been working for 16 years and I've only been making some real money over the past 3, and anyways half of it goes into taxes. Anything over 700k and we'll need to make a loan anyways.

This used to be a place to remind myself to stay skinny and it's ended with a fat, almost 40 woman failing to get pregnant and bitterly complaining about house and work. How fucking exciting.

*mirror, mirror,

where's the crystal palace?

but I only can see myself*

(Winter, Tori Amos)

what next?

 Dear American friends,

let me remember how I love your country, your amber waves of grain as well as your purple mountain majesties, ad let's not forget your fruited plain of course.

And the truth is, when you voted Mr Trump as your PResident, everyone down here was happy: finally, jokes are no longer about Italy and Berlusconi, because let's face it, you made fun of us for ages, but wh's making fun of who now? huh?

..and yet, dear friends...

..when your President who is  Covid19 positive feels it's okay to take off his mask in public, I really must ask:

will you have him spit on your face as well?

Just to be clear, I cannot say I don't care. Because while Berluscono in the end is mostly our problem, Trump's influence is a tiny bit larger...

Armed with our weapons, we fight our enemy

 Like a novel samurai, we are warriors, committed to facing with our beautifully carved swords, an enemy that surpasses us not only in terms of numbers, but also in terms of weapons.

We are armed with gels, a tissue mask on the face, hope, courage and little else. Well, for most of us, a good wifi connection, Kindle, Amazon Prime and Netflix.

We have all seen on the TV the army's truck loaded with coffins, taking away the dead remains of our loved ones, because there were too many to be dealt with.

The enemy is invisible, the enemy is everywhere, the enemy is among us.

We have tried to barricade, to let the enemy outside siege us. But in the long run, we need to work, so we resigned ourselves to open the gates and go out and fight.

You have to take the tube to go to work, and you have to avoid the enemy, but the enemy is everywhere and the number of trains remained the same.

Some say they might forbid Christmas family reunions, but after what we've seen, we'd rather die at home with our loved ones, than being carried away without bidding adieu, our mortal remains piled in a camouflage truck.

After all, even Samurais did sometimes chose self-disembowelment rather than losing their honor.

After all, we are peasants, not samurai. 

Sometimes

One of the crazy, unimaginable from the outside, impossible things to fully grasp of my work is what happens when you get along really well with a client.

These people have their job, which is stressful enough as it is as it usually consists in making a company work. Then they get through one of the most stressful, incredible (and sometimes successful and fulfilling) period in their professional life: they are involved in the sale of the company, or in purchasing another one. Half of the time (ok, 85% of the time) they are clueless about what they are doing, which is normal, as it's not their usual job.

This is where I come in. When a project works out real well (10% of the times to be honest), I'm the person they call every time they are in doubt, the person who is sitting or standing next to them in the negotiation, the person they call when they don't know what to do, when they need a solution, when they need to spill their stress over to someone.

And sometimes, this creates a very intimate relationship, because these thigs can last months, and you develop something when someone stands with you in your difficult times.

And then projects are over, and suddenly you no longer meet each other.

Sometimes they call me for a while, until they ask me on a date and I suggest breakfast instead and they disappear.

Sometimes they send a token at the end of the project (a book, a gadget) and a card at Christmas.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, they call me every other month or so for a quick chat. It gets awkward over time, because I'm less and less part of their lives. I never was really, I know little of their life outside work. Sometimes the project lasts for years, and it's harder to let go, even for me. Sometimes there is even a new project, and suddenly they realize that when this one will be over, we'll probably never see each other again. And you end up with bleary eyes on both sides, because you'll miss each other.

How can you leave me standing,

alone in a world that's so cold?

Maybe I'm just too demanding,

maybe I'm just like my father

too bold.

Maybe I'm just like my mother,

she's never satisfied.

(When doves cry, Prince)

Heir of nothing in particular

I'm the son and the heir

of nothing in particular.

You shut your mouth, how can you say

I go about things the wrong way! (...)

When you say it's gonna happen now, when exactly do you mean?

See, I've already waited too long, and all my hope is.. gone!

("How soon is now?" The smiths)

Whenever I speak to my boss, this pops into my mind.

Whenever they say " this year surely we'll make you equity partner"

Fuck off.

Meanwhile, my customers explicitly tell me to please not bring any "real" partner in meetings as they are useless, and they introduce me as the partner in the meeting.

Whenever I gently correct them, they say they don't care and that I am the partner in their mind and books and that's it.

If they knew what obstacles I face daily in order to have the best form them, they would probably be aghast.

Speaking of which, for today meeting I even blow dried my hair - judging from the dust on the hairdrier, last time I had done this was in February, before the lockdown. How girly of me...

old, but not that old

In my face is flashin' signs
Seek it out and ye shall find
The old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
And I don't think the world is sold
On just doing what we're told

(Counting Stars, One Republic)

"You know, after the war I was still young but even then we've had a pandemic. There was this flu, they called it the Spanish flu, and people died like flies in autumn"

My heart shrinks a little - Granny is old, turning 97 soon, but clearly she did not live through WW1 or the Spanish Flu. There are weeks like this one, when every day she regresses a bit. Then, luckily, there are better days when she can almost seem her old self.

What I find more touching is that, when she's more aware of herself, she seems to go for a "fake it until you make it" approach. Don't get me wrong here - the trouble is, when she's very much aware she's conscious that she's quite deaf, but she doesn't want to show it, so if she doesn't know what one is talking about, she totally tries to look like she perfectly knows what's going on. I can't help it, I find that tenacity adorable.

I'm taking care of her in lieu of my mom who's on vacation this week. Yesterday Granny was having a good day, and we all went out for lunch at a local restaurant that has a cozy garden, together with my brother, his wife and their two kids, and I think she had a good time.

NEGATIVE

 ...and we've both tested negative :-)

just thought I'd share

(yes, we wear our masks - but that really protects the others more than ourselves)

have a good weekend!

Testing time

 Husband phone pings as we're already in bed and I immediately snap "please turn on night mode". I'm nasty, but on my defense he always manages to make noises with his devices, with plastic bottles of water or with ANYTHING at night while I struggle to sleep.

He reads the message, inhales and hands me his phone.

It's a colleague of his, whose asshole teenage son spent August snogging around with whatever had 2 legs in Sardinia and is now Covid positive.

Husband office gets shut down immediately, while waiting that the asshole teenager's dad gets tested and then waiting for the results.

And of course this happens when my parents are leaving for their annual week of vacation in 3 days, and I'm supposed to spend next week with my grandmother (who is turning 97 year old in November) since my mom is away.

Fuck.

So, after a complex research (average waiting time to get myself and Husband tested in Milan is now 8 days...) I managed to book a slot for tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, fingers crossed. We are both perfectly fine, as his colleague is, but many people are now positive and feeling well - I can't risk my grandma's health.

Lingering

 The last hot day was probably yesterday and that was good. Spring was written off with lockdown, summer was hectic and I'm ready to move on.

Back from a nice, short and too expensive vacation, lingering.

I have an incredible pipeline of projects at work, and this year I'm likely to sell just as much as any equity partner... if I stay.

I can't resign before end of September in any case, or I'd lose €95,000 of bonus.

I have a tentative offer from a project I'm working on, that would become reality towards the end of the year.

I'm also waiting a couple more weeks before having breakfast with the CEO of my dream job - I'm waiting because... I do hope maybe I won't get my period this time? If I do, I'll go and ask for the dream job.

I also need to restrict badly. My back aches horribly.

clarity is needed

I may have been a bit melodramatic, but for the sake of clarity, I am not pregnant. Just trying to.

As an excuse, last weekend was somewhat stressful as my 71 years old, lovely and idiot dad went missing for half a day while free climbing a quite dangerous ridge on Monte Rosa.

Dad is fine and safe, he's just an idiot.

Have a good weekend lovelies

Oh the pull

My friend asks me what do I find frightening about the possibility of being pregnant.

I find it so strange that the others do not have the same concerns I have.

9 months without painkillers. The sole idea makes me breathe harder. I have signed up for 20 sessions of back strengthening with a professional in September, but let's be honest... 9 months?

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go 5 weeks without painkillers, but there are times when I spend nights walking in circles around the house since I cannot stand, sit or lay down, and those nights I juggle between Ibuprofen, morphine, cortisol and aspirin in doses that are frankly embarassing.

9 months without drugs, 9 months without wine.

9 months of weight going up without any possibility to revert the trend

and the food? my pregnant friends do not eat any raw vegetable, any milk, any egg unless hard-boiled, any rice, any pasta, any raw fish or raw meat. And this list exhaust everything I DO eat (and like).

Well I met a friend who is a psychiatrist during the weekend and she's had two twins 4 months ago. She told me "the worst part was going 9 months without benzodiazepines". A soul like mine, finally...

We spent the weekend smoking weed, but hey, I stayed away from painkillers. I'm not even kidding myself.

Keith

Keith got married last weekend (finally, considering he's turning 44 next week).

I would have thought this would finally make everyone at peace with the fact that we never ended together, but apparently his parents never really stopped hoping (quite weird considering how everyone seems to believe I have the most rock solid marriage).

Year ago I probably would have spent hours agonizing over the "things could have been different". Now I believe that I have reached a sufficient mindfulness/inner peace not to fret over what could or could not have happened differently.

Good luck Keith - I am sorry we lost touch, but we've been living in different countries for 8 years and this kind of shit happens. I still care for you, and I truly wish you all the best.

I never fell for the super nice or truly good guys, but that is what you've always been and I always did give you credit for that, even when I was an idiotic teenager.

It's all right

I looked into a lie,

and I understood it's sickness

one can't heal from - it's an illness

And I thought about how hard we try. 

I looked into your secret hiding

and realized it was madness

believing in exclusiveness

So I tried to forget, to stop looking

And I watched TV

and I thought that they are stealing my time

and that you, you are stealing my love

But then I took a long walk outside

The sun was shining

And I stopped looking,

I stopped thinking

And it's all right, it's all right, it's all right

(any Italian reader will know the inspiration behind this, but I still decided to post it, after all most of the world does not speak Italian)

I think I am okay, really. Slowly but steadily, the stressful projects I'm on are reaching their natural conclusion and I do not think anything major will start before September.

I will take as much vacation as I can in August and focus on myself a bit.

And only after that I'll probably decide what to do workwise.

xoxo

Skinnier or sober? pieces of conversations

Pain is calling me

and it whispers to me softly "come and play"

I am falling

and IF I LET MYSELF FALL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch,

but why do I feel this party is over?

Coming down, coming down

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round

I'm looking for myself skinnier

When it's good then it's good it's so good 'till it goes bad

Till you try to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry never again

broken down in agony just trying to puke again.

(this is what I actually hear when I listen to Pink's Sober)

"You need to lose weight darling"

"I know mom, I do"

"Next time I'll cook the meat so it won't be tempting"

"Yes mom, let's do this".

"How much did you lose from last Saturday?"

"3kg" (that's 6.6lbs for you guys)

"It's too much! have you been fasting??"

"No dad. I have had lunch and dinner every day. I'm just stressed. And I probably gained 2kg back in the weekend"

"...."

"I know"

Of hamsters and men

Now nonsense isn't new to me

the movies had that movie thing

But mischief knocked me in the knees

said: Just let go, just let go

(REM - Monty got a raw deal)

I'm pretty sure the Robo hamster female ("Meatball") is pregnant.

I, on the other side, seem to have all pregnancy related issues, but for the real thing.

Morning sickness? check

Head spinning? check

Fat? check

Back ache? check

Low energy? check

Weird dreams? check.

IT is quite impossible here to have a rescue place for small creatures like hamsters - we have lot for dogs and cats but I'm afraid Meatball and babies would not fit in well..

I'll probably be able to have a pet shop take them at the end of August, but not before. Husband is NOT happy about this...

Meanwhile, thing continue to be a bit awful. I work and work and work and am submerged by anxiety.

At this point, I am aware that any decision taken now would not be rationale.

What I really hope is to manage to take 10 days truly off in August and to regain sufficient mental balance to think about next steps. Or get pregnant, which would simply allow me to sit down, work a reasonable amount with possibly no bonus, and postpone any decision by 18 months.

Just to add a bit more stress, husband suddenly wants to quit his job. And leave me to be the breadwinner? awesome. Ok this is badly unfair from me, I just wanted to vent.

and what if I did it again?

I do not expect anyone to be reading this from back in 2010. But back then I did drop a lot of weight, managed to reach a healthy BMI for once, with 115 pounds and BMI of 18.2.
I had abs showing
I started dating husband.

On this Sunday morning, while working (of course), writing slides on powerpoint and managing some admin stuff, I suddenly thought: and what if I really did it again? Instead of just blogging, obsessing and complaining. What I mean is, what would change if I did it again?

Beside the obvious joy I mean.
Work-wise, for example, it would not make things easier, quite the contrary. Sad but true, being the "once she was a real hottie" is much easier.


I can't control this flesh and blood
That's wrapped around my bones
It moves beneath me like a river
Into the great unknown

Nel deserto la nave abbandonai
Per me aveva senso
Son stato troppo tempo nella bestia
Ed ora saro libero

Someday we'll live like horses
Free rein from your old iron fences
There's more ways than one to regain your senses
Break out the stalls and we'll live like horses someday

Elton John and Luciano Pavarotti, Live like horses

I abandoned my ship in the desert

It made sense

Too much time being a beast

And now I will be free

one step too far?

No posts.
I'm fat.

I would really really like the best manager I have that works for me to hit on me.

I really really hope that does not happen - I know it will not happen.

I still love my husband, but I am freaking out due to work

workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork

fuck

Meet Meatball and Junior

Another birthday come and gone.

I order to spare both any embarrassment, I suggested husband that, as a gift, we'd take a day off and spend it in Venice (I'd never been).
Overall it was a great idea (no crowds!), despite the fact that it rained most of the time and that almost everything was closed.

I ended coming home with a sort of (sadly unwanted by everyone involved) gift:
our niece was given by her asshole father (who quit her mom 3 months after the kid was born) a couple of Robo hamsters. Of course male and female. The niece was totally uninterested from day 2. The hamsters recently became 7 (surprise!). I managed to find households for the father, 4 young ones, but now my niece and her family are going on vacation and they were going to simply toss away the remaining two.
I know it's a horror story, and since I could not stand the thought, I ended up being the brand new owner of two Robo hamsters. In a couple weeks hopefully I'll be able to tell if Junior is a male or female - and let's hope it's a girl, otherwise I'll have to think something.

We came home with the two (Meatball and Junior) last night and I've cleaned the cage, fed them fresh veggies and seeds, and I just ordered a big enlargement for their cage which shall be delivered tomorrow, as well as a new (hopefully quieter) wheel/spin. More toys to be added during the weekend.
Trouble is, I'm a sucker for pets and I cannot stand to see animals in a cage :-(

I agree. Unless, only partly

Blak lives matter.
I totally agree.
The US need to change a lot of things, in my opinion.

But frankly, guys, the US have a problem with their police.

My country does not have this kind of problem.

So why is everyone manifesting for black lives matter, and no one cares about this?

Of course black lives matter. Children matter even more, I think. Child slavery, child abuse and child torture and killing - shouldn't these be a major global issue?

Dear USA people, forgive me, but the solution for your issue is so basic it does not need big brains: spend less in arming and more in schools. Help poor people getting access to a better education, and don't allow any dick going around with a gun.

Philip Roth said something on the lines of "All I have to defend myself is the alphabet; it is what was given to me in lieu of a gun"

Back to black

Back in Milano

but this is not the Milano I craved, I loved and hated. No movida, no aperitivo, no skinny bitches around.

No drugs

No office life, and no after-office parties

In a way, timing is perfect. It may be time to quit the overgrown teenage way of life we've had so far, and live like adults. Might I find enough traction in this, enough desire to maintain a decent body?

We'll see.



Post Scriptum
6 months have passed from my knee surgery and I cannot stay on all fours. it is completely impossible. How can I explain my physical therapist that my (already modest) sex life suffers a significant impairment because of this?

because I'm going deeper and deeper, harder and harder, getting darker and darker

For some complicated and probably stupid reasons, I'm back in the city (illegaly, I might add, since we're still not allowed to travel) and alone (Husband left for southern Italy for work).

Perfect time for a little fasting by the way, and I went to bed all happy and excited, looking forward to my scale in the morning because the first day of fasting always brings incredible joys.

At 1.30 I woke in such agony that it took me 5 minutes to manage to stand. I felt like a hot piece of rod had been somehow inserted at the base of my spine, and my hips were pulsing in waves of pain. I felt nauseous from the pain, and I didn't even want to puke since I had not eaten in 30 hours and I knew it would not help anyway.

I managed to swallow some ibuprofen and ti lay down on my belly, with the pillow propped under my hips, since this somewhat helps with my back ache, but the trouble is it's not a position that fits well with my swollen nose from the allergies.
Tossing and turning, I made it till morning, when I saw my reflection in the mirror and I honestly thought "I've got it. I've got this fucking Covid and I'm going to die alone, like my father in law".
My face was so swollen and the pain so bad, I had such trouble breathing...
But no temperature, and trust me I almost cried when I checked.

Even the scale numbers dropping by 2.4lbs in 24 hours were meaningless.
In any case I had never been this heavy and fat before, so nothing to rejoice I guess.

The real trouble is, I don't have much to look forward. I've been relatively okay at home for the past few months (resulting in fat fat fat fat accumulating).
But then what?
Work will never be the same again. I've been through one crisis before, and even worse, I already knew before the covid that I was not going to make it to equity partner.

So I don't really look forward to the "back to normal". I am not so keen on everyone at work finding out I've become fat.

Last weekend it was Vivien's birthday, and she's been dead for almost two years - I can hardly believe it
I'll never forget you my friend. I'll never know if it was an accident or if you've simply had enough, but I miss you and I'll still do my best to carry on.

a time for changes

despite not trusting my father's scale, I gave in and stepped on it.
The number was the highest I've ever seen in my life.
However, this was a bit of a wake up call. I finally started restricting and despite everything I'm managing to stay positive.

we'll be spending a day at our place in the city over the weekend and then come back here, so I'll recover my scale.

Lockdown update: we are now allowed to go for a walk, but that's pretty much it. My office will probably be closed until OCTOBER. Not positive on that

Total fuck up

Things are so depressing I don't even know where to start.

Work is shit. I fucking hate working this way, all the empathy I always enjoyed with my team is not around. We used to understand each other without a word, and now it seems that, without a half an hour phone call, they can't even tie their own shoelaces.
The truth is, most of them have been living alone in a one or two rooms apartment alone for the past 9 weeks, going out once a week for grocery shopping, and by now they can't seem to focus if it's a matter of life and death (and honestly, who can blame them?).
This leads to A LOT of inefficiencies. I work 12h per day + 5 or 6 hours in the weekend and I'm still lagging behind.

In all this, my boss just asked me to take a day of paid leave (while working of course) for the next 15 weeks. In the end, this equals a salary haircut (as per our labour law, you get paid your unused vacation when you leave the company - so 20 days of paid leave accrued means 1 month of salary).
Also, there is no understanding if I'm getting my bonus, which equals my fixed salary. We close books at the end of June, and before CoVid I had already met ALL my targets for this year (including sales). I was the only one (and was still kicked out of the process to be made equity partner).
My bonus equals my fixed salary. So potentially, further haircut up to 50% of my total annual income.

Meanwhile, I gained a ton of weight. When I'll go back I need to fast for about 10000393048123847 weeks

Oh, and the flat for which we signed a cheque the day before lockdown? Who knows, they disappeared.

By the way, clearly I'm not pregnant, given I'm on a fucking period (couldn't you tell?). I swear I did not remember that periods were so fucking disgusting.

Everything just seems to be a total fuck up

The lake

When the night is almost over, she drops randomly, 

folding over and staining the horrors; 

but if you can just get lost next to the lake,

it will sooth you and calm you

until you can no longer breathe.

How beautiful the lights reflected on the water

fooling anyone

And if you want, you can cut it in pieces

It's then that silence throws on the water

the ticking of clocks that are rotting.

Down there you can find that girl, minding her breath and her skirt

As wide and open as floating flowers

She's dancing, she's burning bright, she's feeling

it's not worth it, life is not worth it

the crazy life of a financial advisor during lockdown

The morning starts well. By now (after 5 weeks of smart-working from my parents' place and 3 weeks of total lockdown) Husband and I have completely corrupted my mother's black cat.
The Panther (aka Mom) has two cats: Tigros - a smart huntress, intelligent, reactive and a bit of a tedious whore if you want my point of view - and Negus (which means black prince in Ethiopia).
Negus is the dumb brother, he's a black cat who only has (had?) one goal in his life: being petted by my parents. He's super-loyal and affectionate, but the Panther always had a thing for intelligent ones (see Bro and I, where I was treated like the accident daughter until my late twenties).
After these weeks, where we have been spending only on treats for Negus, he's finally moved downstairs with us (insert evil laugh here).
So in the morning he steps in from our bedroom window and plops down on our bed, right in the middle. Goodbye morning sex by the way - clearly gaining the cat's affection has become more vital.

Despite everything, two clients managed to close their transactions this week - I usually don't develop much on my job, but basically they have acquired other companies. Given the lockdown (and the recession), it's almost a miracle.

Fast forward through a morning of conference calls, lunch with the family and quickly preparing some bread (currently baking in the wood stove upstairs).
At 2.45PM I was preparing for a long videoconference when a girl rings our bell and frantically warns that, in the filed close to our home where we keep the hens, she spotted a dog chasing Mom's hens.
Now, the Panther is a bit peculiar - we are virtually vegetarian and she takes very good care of her hens that are more like pets then anything else.
Husband reached that part of the yard first - blame it on my knee surgery, but I still cannot run (not even a few steps) at the risk of stumbling down. By the time I got there, it was a mix between a will coyote cartoon and a zombie apocalypse movie. The hens are 14 and live a very large yard, with their coop (the fox comes every night so they must be locked sunset to sunrise) lots of grass, bushes and trees.
There were feathers everywhere, bloodied pieces of hens spread around, dead hens, hens running like crazy and in the middle, my beautiful, brave, big husband with a pitchfork, chasing a pitbull that was chasing hens.
Surreal.
He managed to scare away the dog while my parents reached the owner, and then we proceeded for the next hour in counting the fallen, the injured and grouping the scared healthy survivors.

All while trying to soothe the poor Panther, who was very grateful towards us, until I suddenly realized I was 30 minutes late for a conference call, and absentmindedly dropped an F bomb right in the face of my Mom. Aw, well, fuck it.

Fast forward through a boring call, more cat therapy, realizing that I screamed into the dog owner's face that he is a fucking moron who likes to butt-fuck his sister (and most important, realizing I dropped all this in front of the Panther but she was probably in shock or something because she did not flinch nor mention this), I finally remember to bake bread for dinner.

While the bread was baking in the wooden stove I was strolling through pant-suits on IG and started wondering if we'll really ever go back to the pant-suit and heels life (well if my knee does not heal I can probably forget the heels). Back to the city, professional version of ourselves?
I honestly don't know any longer, but meanwhile I took a mental note that I need to fetch more wood for the chimney tomorrow morning.

just want to go out

The older you get, the more you value walking. At almost 38, I already considered that the best part of my weekdays was when I managed to walk home from work instead of taking the tube. I live 3.5km from work (a bit over 2 miles) and whenever it wasn't too late and it wasn't pouring rain, I used to walk home, sometimes making calls to clients or my mother, sometimes just listening to audible and watching shops windows.

I seems like I'm talking about a long time ago, but we've been working from home since February 22, and in a total lockdown since March 7. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk in the woods (my parents' place is really next to wild woods by the lake) and in order to do that I had to wait over one hour: as soon as I saw a police car patrolling, I waited for it to be gone and crossed the road to get to the footpath in the woods.

That because if they stop me outside home, I can get arrested.

I so miss walking.

My father in law died on Wednesday morning. He had 4 sons and a daughter, all loving him and living close to him, and he had to die alone because we are not allowed to leave home (let alone visit sick relatives in the hospital). He was buried this morning with no funeral (not allowed) and no family (again, not allowed). On of my brother in laws is a priest, so he's celebrating a private mass via skype for the family tonight.

This gives you an idea of the situation I guess.

because this is Italy

And as such, while the whole country is quarantined,  on a sunny Friday evening at 6PM, a whole nation of 60 million people open their windows and start singing the national hymn, you remember what a crazy beautiful mess this country is.

shut-in

...and we are still here.
The whole country is in shut down; 90% of the time I think this is a pneumonia that spreads a bit more then a flu, and it will never hit healthy people like us.
That it is handed badly, and that this complete quarantine is an absurd situation.

Than I hear about someone I know, someone young and fit and healthy, who is in Intensive Care and I wonder.

After a while I revert to my initial thinking because the alternative, the possibility that this will destroy our civilization is too dramatic even for a drama queen like truly yours.


Positive things:
since I'm crashing at my parents, I can go for long walks in the woods next to the lake. Spring is amazing, there's plenty of flowers growing in the woods, sunny and warm weather - mixed with the quarantine, this means you get to enjoy all the above in a very private way. I love it.

Negative things:
economy went down the drain two weeks ago - it will take us 5 years minimum to recover
as such, I'll never find an easy way out from my current job
my mom keeps cooking and I keep eating. I probably gained 10 pounds already

And suddenly, nothing really matters

And then the Coronavirus came, and the rest no longer matters.

I'm happy and grateful I had planned to spend the weekend at my Parents' place, by the lake, in first place. Then on Friday, when the count of the sick started to rise, I secretly packed both our laptops, chargers, and a few extra changes of clothes.

Luckily, because then everyone panicked and they shut down all offices. On one side we are stranded at the lake, offices closed until further communications, everyone working from home. Which would be a nightmare from our flat in the city - it's too small for the two of us to spend the dy making calls and writing reports at the same time.

The downside is that we'll probably become seriously fat staying here with my family. Don't misunderstand me: I'm honestly grateful that, at such time, I can be with all the most important people I have and they are all in good health (ok Husband so and so, but hopefully it's not THAT).
But we will get fat. Bollocks.

How could I fuck up so badly?

I, once again, am not going to make it to equity partner this year. Nor ever.

My boss very kindly (sarcasm dripping) explained that next year it'll be me for sure, but this year they're already making a female equity partner in Spain (we are grouped with Spain and Portugal), so they're keeping me to fill the female quota next year. Also, they're making equity partner a kid whose father is in Government, so that is very important.

Finally, I shall not despair because if the firm at global level forces us to make a female partner it will be me.

I kid you not, this is what he told me.

Incidentally, he told me something on the same lines last year. I am NOT waiting for another year working like this. What's left of my humanity would be destroyed. And between you and I, I don't think I'll grow a penis in one year and thus be allowed to join the fucking boys club.

And I'm so silly, I, at least, expected my husband to understand the kind of grief I'm going through.

Instead, being a man, he simply said it doesn't matter, that I can do something else, become a mom and so on.

He made it, but somehow he can't understand how much more I have had to endure (and how longer - I've been doing this for 15 years).

He doesn't understand how it feels to remember all the pride I've had to swallow. All the times I've been judged - too aggressive, not enough aggressive. Too sexy, not sexy enough. Gained weight - means she can't manage the pressure. The time a partner told a client and of my team in front of me that I was perfect when I was sitting, since my head was at the same height as his dick.

So long, so much, for what? Nothing.

The urge to stop eating and indulge in self harming had not been this strong since I was 23. But then again, I was already doing this job back then.

Something unexpected

I did something that may or may not be unexpected for you, but that was unexpected for me and for my family.
I went to the doctor and had my Nexplanon (ie birth control implant ) removed last Friday.

Only my husband (of course, he was involved in the decision) and my mom know this. I'm 37 and I'm not at all sure I will get pregnant, but we figured we'll give it a try.

It is scary, and in addition, I haven't had periods for 8 years and I'm not looking forward to that part, but hey. It's now or never.
If it happens, good. If it doesn't, we'll be okay.

Now, I need to lose weight. It will take a few weeks before anything can happen, and I shall take advantage now. So, diet, vitamins, etc etc.

I'm scared as fuck.


(and in the darkened underpass, I thought oh God, my chance has come at last,
but then a strage fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask)
I was listening to The Smiths a few weeks ago and I realized I couldn't just let this fear stop me

There is a light and it never goes out, there is a light and it never goes out